*for moms and step moms* completely unrelated to TTC. but really need advice!! LONG.

[sillysaurus]

first, i want to apologize for this being so long.. this is unrelated to ttc, so maybe it will let your minds venture from the stress of ttc for a few minutes at least. lol. here goes..
my fiance has a 14mo old son whom he has had temporary custody of since he was 2mo old because the mother took off and moved to florida.. (we live in virginia).. and hasnt been back since. ive been the only mother this child has known, and now he calls me mom.. the mother got angry when she found this out and decided she is gunna come back and take custody. well, she never came.. and now she is saying she is coming back this month and first she told me she had her plane ticket, then she said she didnt have it, and now she doesnt even have anything of the child on her myspace anymore..it used to say (cams only mommy no matter what, not you, bitch) and stuff like that, and she would send me tons of nasty messages. my fiance doesnt think she is gunna be back in time for the next court date which is march 23rd. but i dont know.. my question is, should i go about this as if he were my own child? as ive been doing..(my fiance always tells me that just cuz he isnt biologically mine, doesnt mean that im not his mother..and to look at him as if ive adopted him..and that maybe this is meant to be this way because we have been ttc like crazy and its not happened yet..) and im just scared that is she does come back, im gunna lose my roll as mommy and get hurt, but he says he isnt gunna teach him to call her mom, he is gunna refer to her as casey because she isnt a mother, he says. but i dont know. there isnt a way she could get custody i dont think because she hasnt been there..ever. even when she was here, she was cheating on my fiance and was never around the baby. she has no job, no car, no place to live.. and on the contruary, my fiance works his ass off, im a CNA, going to school for RN, and we have a very loving enviornment raising the child.. so i guess what i am asking is am i doing the right thing by calling him mine, and going by mommy, or what?? any opinions are welcome.

 

[Jazzy-NICU]

as far as i am concerned she gave up her rights the day she up and left him, she should be grateful that you have stepped in and created a stable loving environment for her little boy, something that she clearly couldnt do

 

[Helly]

You are that boys Mum and an excellent Mum at that, nobody will ever be able to take that away from you. As for Casey, I wont say what I think cos my firewall would probably explode!

 

[portablechick]

there is a similar case to urs in australia at the moment - i dont think u are doing anything wrong in fact u sound like u r an amazing step mum and family.

We only have part custody of my DH son and he spends about two thirds of the week with his mum - he has asked about wot to call me but i try not to encourage the mum word in my case - cos obviously his mum is his mum and plays the role of mum and i wouldn't want to hurt her.

In ur case however i would say screw her! u r the kids mum and ur OH is rite it takes more than biology to be a mum

 

[BellaBlu]

IMO you ARE that little one's momma.. You've been helping raise him since he was 2 months old. And not only that, but it's very unlikely she will get custody, considering you do provide the more stable, loving environment, and she obviously isn't mature enough to be a mother anyways (judging by the myspace page!)

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, you're being a little boys mom who would otherwise not have one. Anyone can give birth! But I dont think you deserve the title "mother" unless you act like one. And you clearly have.. Kudos. Good job.. he's going to love you all the same as he grows up! Cuz in the end it's only going to matter who was there for him.

 

[cheekybint]

Hey there, sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment

It must be very complicated for you all right now. If your little boy hasn't seen his biological mom since he was 2 months old then he doesn't even know her as his mom, you're mom

I understand how you are trying to protect yourself from being hurt emotionally But imagine the confusion if you suddenly started detaching yourself from him? As far as calling him yours? He is yours, you are the mommy he has grown with, the mommy that saw his first steps, heard his first word. You're the mommy that holds him when he cries and enjoys his laughter. Your fiancee is right, biological or not, you're mommy!

From what you've said, I doubt any court would take him away from you both and return him to his biological mommy, but if she does decide to become part of his life than it'd be a slow process and if she loves her son she'd understand that. He would be so confused to suddenly be put in the arms of a total stranger and be told here's your mommy! If it comes to this, and you are your fiancee have to deal with his biological mommy being in the picture then i think it'd be a case of slowly introducing the idea into his head. That he has a mommy that gave birth to him and a mommy who he lives with.

Whatever happens, in my opinion he's your little boy.

On a legal note, have you both been award full custody yet? If not, maybe this should be done

I hope it all works out okay for you all

 

[sillysaurus]

wow thanks for all the replies ladies! no we havent been awarded custody yet because she keeps telling us she is coming back. she has missed 2 court dates already.. i agree, if i were in her situation, id be greatful that someone is there to provide for my child and love him.. but she doesnt see it that way.. but both me and my fiance see the child as a child we had together. because we have been raising him together. i felt like i had to distance myself, because she will be coming around but now it doesnt seem like she is coming..and its sad because when i did start to distance myself, he would cry and scream for me.. he loves me.. im back in now though, the distance was short lived cuz i love that child with everything i have, it was like trying to distance myself from my own child, not happenin lol.. i dont get why all of us are ttc with no luck and would be or are amaizng mothers, but women who abuse theyre children, dont want theyre children, or just plain dont care get pregnant and have beautiful children with no problem.. that drives me nuts.

 

[lilfrog01]

You are his mom. even if she manages to show up it doesnt change the fact that in this little boys eyes you are his mommy. i would just stand up for the child and be his mom. if she comes back then deal with her but dont let her take away what you and your son have. i went through this with my dd's biological father. my dh has raised my dd since she was 3. we never pushed her to call my dh dad but when she started getting older, she realized he was the only dad she had. now 13 years later and he is her dad. still not adopted but they have daddy-daughter issues all the time. in your sons eyes this other woman will never take your place. if you try to distance yourself from him because of her then it could cause other issues in the future..
good luck and hug YOUR son tight and fight for him as if the blood was shared between you two.

 

[sillysaurus]

thank you so much lilfrog! thats very encouraging..

 

[Waiting2bMommy]

Hi hun!! I'm currently ( about to be in 10 days) a step mom myself. My fiance and I have had a lot of CRAP with his ex. In the U.S. as lame as it is, they do often try to keep a mother and child together even if she is out of the picture, runs off ect. Your best defense is documentation and proving negligence, (i'm coming from a purely legal standpoint) Everything bad that she has done, times she hasn't shown up etc. also everything you guys provide and have done for the little boy. Build a iron-clad defense and she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Coming from the step-mom stand point, you are 100 percent his mom. Nothing she can do will ever change that. As a step mom you have to provide so much love sometimes even more than if they were your own and just reading what you wrote, it seems your so in love with him and you deserve to be his mom. You guys are his stability and his whole world. No matter what this woman tries to pull kids know who has taken care of them and loved them.

I hope you all the best!

 

[wantabbygrl]

Im in a similar sistuation but my oh baby mama is in the picture and take care of layla who is 7 months and even tho she has her "real' mom to take care of her we consider myself as her mother too NOT STEP MOM BUT MOM . Just becasue you have no blood relations to him doesnt mean a thing!!! You care for him when the "egg donor" is off living life. she is jealous b/c you are the mom she will never be!! just treat him as if he was your own b/c kids dont understand the whole step mom real mom thing all kids know is love and if you give them love they will give it back. And when you have a baby of your own(WHICH YOU WILL IN TIME ) you dont want the two children to feel like they are treated diff so just keep up with the great job! As for court you two need to have documentaion of all the things she has been doing show proof that she does not support her child ! The courts dont care about gossip he said she said crap they want real proof!!! And as soon as you two get married you will have legal rights to the child and will be able to signs papers for him like at the hospital or scholl ect... all the rights the birth mom has!

 

[sillysaurus]

thank you ladies. all your help is greatly appreciated. well, as for the legal stuff, my OH has also done his share of wrong..but he has always put the child first. he used to smoke pot, and sell drugs to support the child in the beginning and she has proof of this. but he doesnt anymore and hasnt. he is now clean, completely. and also he has told the court he had no way of contacting her when he actually did & didnt tell her of the court days and she is using that as an excuse of missing court. but she knows of this upcoming date and isnt making much of an effort to come home.. and i doubt the courts would give her custody because she has no place to live, no job, nothing. and she is a drugaddict.. is there any way i could go to court even though we are not married?

 

[Chantibug]

hey hun. First, kudos for being the mom in his life! MyDH has been a part of my DS life since he was 10 mo old, and my son calls him "Dad". He also calls his bio dad "Daddy" but is 5 and understands the difference

I 100% agree with Waiting2bMommy. Also - has the idea of you legally adopting him come up? Does she pay child support? I would look into the adoption thing- esp since she abandoned her child (who does that?!) and -pressumably- doesn't pay to support him.

Good luck hun!

 

[Chantibug]

thank you ladies. all your help is greatly appreciated. well, as for the legal stuff, my OH has also done his share of wrong..but he has always put the child first. he used to smoke pot, and sell drugs to support the child in the beginning and she has proof of this. but he doesnt anymore and hasnt. he is now clean, completely. and also he has told the court he had no way of contacting her when he actually did & didnt tell her of the court days and she is using that as an excuse of missing court. but she knows of this upcoming date and isnt making much of an effort to come home.. and i doubt the courts would give her custody because she has no place to live, no job, nothing. and she is a drugaddict.. is there any way i could go to court even though we are not married?

Oh I didn't see this post.. nevermind on adoption then, i dont think it works if you're not married.
Is it really his fault she didnt know about the court dates? Shouldn't she have been contacted by someone from the courts, not by him? Also, maybe I am being nosey here, but how does she have proof of his drug use/sales? That doesn't really leave a paper trail, right? Unless in jail for it..

 

[sillysaurus]

chantibug-wouldnt she have to sign over her rights for me to adopt him?? she wouldnt do that just because she hates me. lol. and no she doesnt pay child support. never has, OH doesnt want it. he says as far as he is concerned, im the mother of the child. so having her pay would feel weird he said. lol. plus we make it just fine without her money. she has never had a job anyways so we wouldnt get much haha

 

[Chantibug]

No, but a CS Order would look good for him in court. IF she can't pay she can go to jail after other punishments (like losing license, wage garnishment, tax return garnishment, etc.). I'm not sure on the law on adoption in VA.. but in most places the adoption would be denied if the bio parent and child had strong ties, etc. Since this is not the case, you may have a good chance, but only after you're married. . . good luck hun

 

[sillysaurus]

ooo i didnt know all that thanks hun

 

[Waiting2bMommy]

thank you ladies. all your help is greatly appreciated. well, as for the legal stuff, my OH has also done his share of wrong..but he has always put the child first. he used to smoke pot, and sell drugs to support the child in the beginning and she has proof of this. but he doesnt anymore and hasnt. he is now clean, completely. and also he has told the court he had no way of contacting her when he actually did & didnt tell her of the court days and she is using that as an excuse of missing court. but she knows of this upcoming date and isnt making much of an effort to come home.. and i doubt the courts would give her custody because she has no place to live, no job, nothing. and she is a drugaddict.. is there any way i could go to court even though we are not married?

Actually my lawyer told me when we were going through our problem with his ex for custody they said its actually harmful for you to be there. There is no "we" its him. He is the father.

 

[notquitesure]

Hi hun, I'm a step-mom to my OH 3 little girls (aged 5-7) whose mum is no longer around (the details of which I wont go into) but this has only been for the past year so they still refer to me by my first name. I would love them to call me mum but that will be their choice. Also, their dad is a stay-at-home dad so is more like 'mum' to them than I am as I work full-time. Being a step-mum is difficult and I dont envy you having this woman 'dictate' terms and conditions. If she truly loved her son she would do what is best for him which is for him to stay with you permanently. I think she will eventually give up the fight but you have to stay strong. I'm sure it will all work out and you and your OH, son and future children will be a happy family. GL to you all xxx

 

[sillysaurus]

thanks notquitesure. your right i shouldnt let her dictate. thanks for your reply.
and waiting2bmommy, ive decided to stay with *our* son while oh goes to court.. we have a strong feeling that the egg donor isnt gunna show anyhow. how is she gunna get here from florida? hitchhike? haha.