For mothers who has a parent that smokes...what do you do if they want to hold baby?

[june2013]

I'm now 5 days overdue so expecting this little one any day now. My parents are staying with us for two weeks and arrived yesterday, so they will be around the baby 24/7 for approx. the first two weeks of his/her life. The problem is is that in recent years my dad has taken up smoking cigars, he probably smokes about 5-6 a day. He goes in the backyard to smoke them but definitely smells of it when he gets back.

I had told him at Christmas that he would not be allowed to smoke once the baby comes while they are here. When he arrived yesterday I saw he was still smoking so I told him again that as soon as I bring the baby home there will be no more smoking. He said, don't worry I'm smoking outside the baby isn't getting any second-hand smoke. I tried to tell him about third-hand smoke and that the chemicals are embedded in his skin and clothes. I told him if he didn't stop that he would not be allowed to hold the baby during his two weeks here. He just rolled his eyes. I then said that fine if he was going to continue that before holding the baby he would have to change his clothes (although I'm sure all of his clothes have the chemicals in them), brush his teeth and wash his hands. He again just rolled his eyes.

Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone else here have a parent who smokes? What do you do if they want to hold the baby? I obviously don't want to not let me father hold his grandchild but I'm not willing to risk my babies health when it is most vulnerable in the first two weeks of it's life.

 

[Mum2BKW]

I think you need to stand your ground on this, I'm sure he thinks you're being overly sensitive but you have every right to be.

What does your Mum say? Maybe she can put a word or two in his ear about it as well.

My parents both chain smoked when I was young and I did have lung problems because of it. There was obviously a lot more smoke in the house then your baby will be exposed to if your Dad is smoking outside but it's still a selfish thing for him to do.

I'm sure when baby arrives and he wants a cuddle he'll put the cigars down pretty quick!

 

[aimee-lou]

My FIL had smoked since he was 11 (now 55!) and to ask him to stop would be an ordeal. We came to a compromise when we went to stay with them last year. He already doesn't smoke in the house, so we asked him to change his shirt and have a wash after having a cigarette if Eddy was around. I also asked him not to smoke around Earl if possible and not to light up etc if he was right there - obviously if he was already smoking outside and Earl wandered out then he could finish but had to keep it out of his direct sight.

I actually think he got a bit of a scare as Earl hadn't seen anyone smoking before (Hubby quit when he was just under 2) and he was really curious about it and started copying him. I was a bit upset as obviously it's not a nice thing etc, but my FIL was very quick to remove himself and the offending item. Since then he's even talked about giving up but its very hard for him.

For me, FIL is the only person we know who smokes so the exposure is pretty minimal so I'm happy as long as my wishes and that f hubby are respected. If he started to not keep to this (which I don't think he would as he loves his grandsons) then I think we'd be a lot more strict.

 

[suffolksazzle]

I agree, stand your ground. I wouldnt want my baby around third hand smoke either. Your father should respect that. It's not forever after all.

 

[ashleyy0]

My future MIL smokes 2 packs a day. Not even kidding, she lights up and finishes one and then lights up another. I haven't been over to their house since Christmas because of the fact she would smoke in front of me even though she knew it bothered me. I have told my OH that there is no way for one she will ever babysit our son and for two that he can ever go to their house. My OH's brother, sister, mom, and dad all smoke and so their house smells like one huge giant ashtray and they don't care who they smoke in front of, they have a 16 year old who hates the smoke and has begged them to please not smoke in the house and they can't even respect him so I know they will have no respect for it when it comes to their grandson.

I would stand your ground! Its your child and if they can't respect in your wishes and smoking is more important than their grandchild then so be. You have given them the choice and he knows what will happen if he still chooses to smoke.

 

[immy11]

It's so frustrating because it is so serious and people make you feel like your acting crazy.. Smoking is the most disgusting thing I have always hated it. Stand your ground, your've done the hard part by letting him know how you feel, my mil smokes i don't know how I'm going to deal with it yet :s Goodluck!

 

[hubblybubbly]

My dad smokes cigars, I've made it very clear from the beginning that he is not allowed to hold baby or now touch/hug/kiss willow for at least two hours after he's had a smoke, has to wash his hands and wear an outer jumper/coat to smoke in which is then removed and left outside once he's finished.

I don't want it anywhere near my babies, and he very much has the choice, either don't smoke or don't get near your grandchildren.....as far as I'm concerned it's in his hands. (oh and he smokes much less notably when he's round since willows been born, but still gets huffy sometimes about it)

 

[babyhopes2010]

after 10mins and if they washed there hands i dont see the problem. but its ur baby its up to u

 

[mummie2be]

My in-laws, my parents, my OH and a lot of the people I know smoke, including me(stopped when I found out I was pregnant, but I can see myself starting up again once LO is here - sadly). Everyone knows that they are not allowed to be smoking in front of LO or anywhere near her stuff. No smoking is allowed in our apartment and people get kind of perturbed when I tell them they have to go outside, but OH goes out so do they.
But for me personally not letting them hold LO would pretty much mean no-one, including me, will be able to hold her.

 

[MindUtopia]

I was exposed to second and third hand smoke as a baby. My grandparents who cared for me while my mom worked smoked. They never smoked while I was there, but it was obviously in the furniture and on their clothes and lingered in the air in the house. I got very seriously ill with pneumonia and almost died when I was 4 months old. I was in hospital in NICU for 2 weeks. I know now that it's quite likely that exposure to smoke probably caused or contributed to me being so sick. I've had serious pneumonia 4 other times in my life and developed asthma because my lungs were so scarred from that first bout with it. Protecting your baby's respiratory health is no joke and you shouldn't feel bad about doing anything you feel you need to.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Third hand smoke is a serious thing! And regardless, your baby, your house, your rules, end of. I don't have any parents who smoke (but my dad did smoke before I was born and died of lung cancer when I was a teenager, so it's something I make no exceptions for, it affected my life in a big way and I don't want my child around that). But we do have some distant family who smoke. They would never be invited to our house and I wouldn't let them hold my daughter. That's just the way it is. I don't feel at all guilty about that.

 

[sue_88]

Personally, I wouldn't have backed down on the holding baby at all if he chooses to smoke, not even the option of changing clothes. Clearly he doesn't give a shit he his reaction is to roll his eyes as if you are acting irrationally - which you are most definitely not.

I do not associate myself with smokers, however if someone decided to take up the habit who was in my friends circle they would not ever get a visit from us and would never be allowed to hold my baby.

 

[rowleypolie]

Wow, I grew up in a household where mom smokes. And yes I agree that smoking near baby is just plain wrong, but there is no way I could avoid mom holding the baby. And there is no way I could tell her to change clothes. She washes her hands and most of the time wears a jacket or robe while smoking and takes it off, but it's summer time and I doubt she will be wearing a jacket. As long as she washes her hands I don't really care. Baby will be introduced to chemicals in every single surrounding. I use chemicals in my home, we do a lot of time out of the home. I guess I feel like if it didn't kill me or my brothers, baby will be fine. Besides I would rather have my mom in my life than try and make her feel unwelcome.

On another note, she has mentioned switching to an e cigarette. I wonder if the chemicals are as bad?

 

[annio84]

My problem with the e cigarette (quite aside from the lack of regulation and unknown safety) is that it's going to make my mum think she can smoke in front of my child and it's not a behaviour I want my baby to see. That said, growing up in a house with 2 parents who smoked (dad gave up years ago) I am so disgusted by it that it would never cross my mind to smoke.

It's a bit of a difficult situation with me because I don't get on with my mother anyway but if she has been smoking then I don't want her near my baby. As I've said though I don't really want her near my baby anyway.

 

[babyhopes2010]

Personally, I wouldn't have backed down on the holding baby at all if he chooses to smoke, not even the option of changing clothes. Clearly he doesn't give a shit he his reaction is to roll his eyes as if you are acting irrationally - which you are most definitely not.

I do not associate myself with smokers, however if someone decided to take up the habit who was in my friends circle they would not ever get a visit from us and would never be allowed to hold my baby.

wow- thats not judgmental is it

so what kind of people do u think smokers are then that u would not associate with them

 

[bekkie]

I'm hoping she's quit now, but with DS she had to be outside away from the house with an extra layer of clothes on that she could take off when she came in (easy then because it was winter.. won't be so easy now with it being early fall) and she had to wash her hands...

I was a smoker, I know how difficult it is to quit, but she smokes non stop and they're the nastiest smelling things, even when I was smoking I couldn't handle the smell...

 

[xsadiex]

I would say that's that no more smoking now! Show him some information that shows how bad 3rd hand smoke can be for babies X

 

[sue_88]

Personally, I wouldn't have backed down on the holding baby at all if he chooses to smoke, not even the option of changing clothes. Clearly he doesn't give a shit he his reaction is to roll his eyes as if you are acting irrationally - which you are most definitely not.

I do not associate myself with smokers, however if someone decided to take up the habit who was in my friends circle they would not ever get a visit from us and would never be allowed to hold my baby.

wow- thats not judgmental is it

so what kind of people do u think smokers are then that u would not associate with them

Nobody in my family, or my social circle smoke, therefore I don't associate myself with smokers.

Don't read so much into and twist a few words on a page.

 

[june2013]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm happy to know many others share this same view as me. Today I printed off about 15 articles talking about the dangers of third hand smoke to babies, he would not even read them but I read them to him. He said it was just fear-mongering and people taking things to the extreme. Makes me so mad!!

He finally agreed that he would shower and change clothes before holding the baby. I want him to quit altogether (for the two weeks that he's here) so I just told him that I'm sure once he see's the baby and realizes he will get to spend much less time with him/her if he decides to continue smoking then he may have a change of heart. I really hope he does. If not, at least I hope that a shower and clothes change will help to protect my baby from the third hand smoke.

 

[Amberyll23]

Just wanted to let you know that I have the same rules with my inlaws (both of whom smoke) when it comes to my babies. They both smoke and when they come to visit, I have a zero tolerance in my home for their smoking and they have to wash/change clothing if they want to hold them after they have been outside smoking. They think I am crazy, but it is my house, my rules, my children.

I am very glad to see that your father has come around, I hope everything goes well for you hun!

 

[Equreuil]

I'm going to have this issue a bit with my husband, actually. He knows not to try to smoke around me or baby, which isn't much of an issue.

I've gotten him half way switched over to an e-cig, which is vapor instead of smoke... but I'll probably ask him to at least change his shirt at the end of the day before he gets time with his son.