Four year old (5 in October) low self worth suddenly.

[Dawnlouise30]

Hi.

My son has always been a very confident child. But recently he has begun saying things that make me worry.

For example :

I'm thick
I'm stupid
I'm an idiot
I'm rubbish
You don't love me because I'm........ Insert any of the above.
I can't do it because........ Again insert above.

It's so hard to hear him speak negatively about himself.

He is so loved. He is told frequently how much we love him. He is praised, he is encouraged and supported if he finds something hard.

Of course he demonstrates testing behaviour and sometimes we have to use time out but it's always explained to him, he however says he did such and such behaviour because he is stupid. We have an effective reward system in place.

He calls us stupid too and idiots and horrible mummy and daddy.

After his emotional outbursts he then asks do you love me, Are you happy with me, I always tell him we always love him regardless of the behaviour but sometimes we don't like the things he does (hitting, throwing toys, ignoring us, shouting insults etc.)

It's so hard hearing him say these things. Is it just him exploring new words and feelings. Or should I be worried about his low self worth?

Any thoughts appreciated.

 

[.Mrs.B.]

Are you possibly over praising? I've heard before that this can cause these kinds of feelings because they don't feel as though they are living up to their usual high standards.
I've tried to work on my praise recently to start praising things like how hard they worked instead of how clever they are.

 

[MindUtopia]

I would start with where he's learning these words. My daughter is about the same age and honestly she wouldn't even know what those words meant. He's obviously hearing someone talk like that, either to him or to someone else he probably cares about (family member, friend, etc). If he's hearing someone else told they're all those things or someone is telling him that about himself, of course, he's going to internalise that. Those are horribly abusive things for anyone to be saying to or in the presence of a 4 year old so I would start there. That person is the one whose making him think that about himself and I'd be quick to make sure he wasn't exposed to that anymore. Then once you've done that I think you can find ways to build up his self esteem a bit more.

 

[Zephram]

I agree with mindutopia- you need to find out where he's hearing those words. It sounds to me like someone has actually told him these things or he's seen it modelled by other people.

Agree with the overpraising too - one thing to be aware of is how you talk to him when he finds something hard. Don't praise him by saying he's clever and he can do it, praise the effort he puts into an activity whether he gets it right or not.

For example:

Not - you got that right, you're so clever

Use - you got that right, you must have really worked hard on it

Or - you didn't get it right, but I can see how much effort you put into it

Research has shown that children who are told they're clever are less likely to try harder tasks than kids whose effort is praised, because if a kid whose told he's clever gets it wrong he thinks it's because he's dumb or stupid or not clever, but if his effort is praised he knows that by trying harder he can improve his performance.

 

[Perplexed]

I think I would also wonder where he's hearing it. It may not necessarily mean that someone is telling him he is those things, but maybe he sees someone else constantly saying that they themselves are thick/stupid/etc.