Freaking out

[collie_crazy]

I go back to work today. I didnt want to but had to because I was going onto 'no pay' from wednesday and cant afford to live with no money.

Its been 11 weeks... I should be stronger and I thought I was but now I'm freaking out and I dont know what to do.

I am absolutely dreading walking in there and everyone looking at me... its that look of pity in peoples eyes I just cant stand it.

And lately I seem to be getting worse around pregnant people and newborn babies - I wasn't in the early days really because I didnt have much of a baby bump and didnt expect to have a baby at that time either but now that I should be 28 weeks and in my final trimester I keep looking at peoples bumps and wanting to break down and cry - and looking at their tiny little newborns and feeling my heart break into millions of pieces - why cant Emily have that?

I am on a phased return so will only be working for 4 hours today but I want to run away. I want to go to the cemetery and sit with her and hide from the world.

There is a girl in my team who was due only a month after me she is 24 weeks and has just found out she is having a healthy baby girl. I dont think I can look at her. How can I look at her when I want what she has/

 

[mhazzab]

I'm sorry you are having to go back when you don't feel ready yet.

I'm still off work, but I did go in for a company update meeting last month for a couple of hours, I was terrified going in, but in advance, I had spoken to one of my work friends, and asked her to come and meet me, and keep talking to me, so I didn't get left on my own with anyone. The thought of going in, was far worse than actually doing it. I did notice people looking at my stomach and giving me sympathy looks though

I haven't actually gone back to work yet though, I've still got another 4 weeks off.
Unfortunately the same work friend just told me this morning she is pregnant so I will have to deal with that when I go back too

basically, what I am trying to say is...you're not alone with the whole jealousy/hurt at seeing other pregnant people, I get that too - having it at work seems worse, because there is no escape.

I hope that you manage to cope okay when you get to work...I hope the anticipation of it is worse than the actual experience. I will be thinking of you, let us know later how it went xx

 

[collie_crazy]

Thank you

I also went in 3 weeks ago, just before I had to have the emergency ERPC, just to sit in the canteen and see some of my friends / colleagues - because my manager and I thought it would help to ease me back. It was OK but I did cry lots because some people passed me and came to give me hugs. I was also in on Thursday just passed for a meeting with my manager and my managers manager to discuss my return to work.

I guess I over think everything. And I am worried about what to say to people. 11 weeks later and I still dont know how to answer the simple question 'How are you' because its no longer simple for me

I dont start till 3 so I have had all morning to worry myself into a panic

 

[mhazzab]

I guess I over think everything. And I am worried about what to say to people. 11 weeks later and I still dont know how to answer the simple question 'How are you' because its no longer simple for me

yeah I hate that question...I usually answer with 'I've been better'.

xx

 

[collie_crazy]

I ususally end up saying 'Getting there' and then thinking to myself getting where exactly!?

I have my first psychologists appointment on wednesday and am freaking myself out about that too! I'm worried I wont know what to say when I get there.

Oh why is everything so hard

 

[Hellylou]

I hope things aren't as bad as you anticipate when you get there. At least you know there will be some sympathetic looks and difficult 'how are you' questions, so they wont come out of the blue. Maybe have a stock response ready - whatever you decide to say to everyone. You don't have to elaborate on anything, or go into any kind of detail. Maybe just a "I'm bearing up ok, thanks for asking" type thing. It might not be true, but it gets it all out of the way, if you know what I mean.

As for the pregnant colleague...that will be tough, but I'll be thinking of you, and sending as many good wishes and positive thoughts your way as I can.

I'm back to work tomorrow myself, so let us know how it all went.

Hugs

 

[Andypanda6570]

I hope things go easy for you, I can't imagine what you are going through. Just try to relax and know we all are thinking of you Sending much love xoxoxoxooxoxox

 

[kam78]

Those are/was my exact feelings and thoughts!! You posted what went thru my mind at that phase, of returning to work and seeing babies and preg ladies ... At first I was fine, ok not fine but OK... But once I hit about the same time period you are in , it got horrible! I had a few friends that was still preg and doing fine, and to be honest, a few of them I just couldn't ever be around any longer... I had a co worker that was just 4 weeks behind me, so everytime she reached a milestone I immediately thought, "ugh, I was suppose ...."

I promise it does get better, and I hope you find what you are looking for, needing.... I think you having an appointment is a great idea, just hope that person is helpful, and if it isn't a "right fit" with that person, dont feel bad, move along and try someone else...



Just remember ... You are NOT crazy and anything and everything you are feeling is OK ...

Sending loves and hugs to you ....

 

[kiki04]

I only had one week off so I know the feeling of having to go back when not ready and the pity looks and awkwardness then facing ppl who didnt know and ask me how baby was It was not easy at all When ppl would ask me how I was doing my answer was always "well physically Im OK" and they got it. I may look fine on the outside but I am so broken on the inside.

 

[winterwonder]

I went back to work after 3 weeks, but i wasnt afraid of work or the people i work with because i'd only just started and they were and are still really understanding. I was more afraid of my old work mates who i'd known for years, the first time i saw them after i lost bud was the most terrifying moment in my life, like you i thought they are all going to look at me, like i'm the elephant in the room, but i knew if i didnt see them then, that to be honest i probably wouldnt see them ever again, and i did it, my husband held my hand the whole time, and yes people will hug you, and say things that you wish they really wouldn't, but they do mean well.

 

[collie_crazy]

Thank you girls I knew you would all understand.

Well I am home - my manager is so lovely and has made this all so much easier on me, I ended up only been in 2 hours and she said I should go because I looked tired. I am on a phased return to build me back up to my full hours because I have been off for 3 months and prior to that I was only back a week and had a month off beforehand.

It was really hard seeing my pregnant colleague and at first I couldnt even look at her - but then I felt really bad because I didnt want to upset her. So we did say hello after an hour when we were both in the canteen. I will have to be careful around her though for reasons I cant really go into on a public forum.

Well I guess the hard bit is over and I hope it gets easier from now on. I had a full blown panic attack this morning where I just wanted to run away and never come back. I actually thought about just going and sitting at the cemetery - is that weird? My family thinks its strange the amount of time I spend there - but it has kind of became my sanctuary, I feel sad when I am there of course I do but I also feel at peace there and like to go when I need to calm down

 

[Nikki_d72]

Oh I'm glad it went Ok for you, and glad your boss is understanding. I think the "first" of everything is hard, but you feel like you've acheived something when you've done it.

I have ti admit though I'm hating mine, but I was pretty over it and dying to get on mat leave before this so it's doubly depressing being back.

I'm with you on the milestones thing too, I think it gets harder the further on you would have been, I'm getting that too.

I also understand the wanting to run away bit and can see why you'd want to go to the cemetary - it's quiet, you feel close to Emily and it's kind of "your" space.

I hope the next few work days are easy on you. xxx

 

[mhazzab]

so glad it went 'okay' in the end xxx