Friends with donors? Married AI donor.. how would you feel? Just my thoughts, thanks.

[Mummafrog]

Hello everyone Firstly I'll just sprinkle some baby dust

Me and my husband have a baby of our own and plan on more when the time is right. We feel so blessed that it has been simple for us to have our child and for the joy it has brought us..

We both want to donate our genetic material to help others who are struggling to have this joy at some point and it is my partner who can at the moment. I also really want to do surrogacy at least once, it's just how we feel!

But we both feel we would want to be a part of the journey of parenthood of the intended parents and hopefully form a friendship with them. What do you think of being friends with donors? It would mean the world to us.. Maybe we're asking too much to make friendships? We wouldn't be asking for 'rights' you know and if the friendships don't work or breakdown then that's okay, but you know we will have children, they will have children and we'll share something special..?

I just needed to get my thoughts out. Thanks for reading if you have lovelies xx

 

[Ariannda]

First let say that I think you have lovely intentions at heart, yes there's going to be a but

BUT i think you have no business inserting yourself into the lives of those you have helped

BUT that would depend on the other parents !

I know someone personally who is going through a very difficult time with their surrogate and she is threatening not to relinquish parental rights etc,. I think thats the ultimate fear of anyone who choose to go the surrogate route, but I think it's a valid fear for any one. I mean for me I would be afraid that someone would all of the sudden want to demand rights to my child because of genetic material, and being adopted Im well aware that genetics do not make a family

Again I admire you wanting to help others, and it's a wonderful thing if you're able to do so but my personal feelings are that it should be done anonymously for the peace of mind of all involved, especially the parents on the receiving end who may have many many fears ab out the entire process. Eggs and Sperm can both be donated and embryo's can also be donated if you've been through an IVF situation.

If you're saying "Hi we've had a baby and we want to help you have one too" than im not sure thats appropriate for this particular forum and could possibly be viewed as solicitation.

This is strictly my own opinion. Congratulations on the birth of your LO

 

[Mummafrog]

Thanks for your reply! I completely understand those fears. It is a difficult situation, we also believe that genetic material is not what makes a family and that is why we feel happy and willing to donate. If I had any feelings of 'ownership' I couldn't go through with it, it would be wrong.
I'm so sorry about your friend going through that, it is ultimately the biggest trust you can place in someone and that is the worst outcome

I am definitely NOT offering here! I was just getting my thoughts and feelings out.. I didn't say anything that would suggest people could contact me, so please don't think that. This forum is for talking about what is going on for you and I thought this section was appropriate?

 

[burrr]

Some recipients are open to this but I was not. I am in contact with my donor to a slight degree but only because I was already in contact with him to start with, that's how he came to donate. But we are not developing any kind of friendship or relationship and he will not meet the baby. We had it written into our agreement that this is how it would progress.

From a recipient's point of view, if the child has contact with the donor and there are later issues with pursuing custody/access, having previous contact will not work in the recipient's favour. I know you say you won't do that, but you don't know how things will pan out in the future.

The other thing is, you are a new mum - would you really want other people being involved in your family in such a way? My baby is mine and my partner's, I would not want the donor to have any input at all because I want as normal a family set up as I can.

I think it's lovely that you're offering to donate, but you would have to be very open about this with the recipients and discuss in great detail exactly what kind of contact you'd be wanting. I'd also recommend for everyone's sakes that you wrote down your expectations into an agreement/contract type thing and had everyone sign it prior to donations commencing. In the UK this kind of contract is not legally binding but is useful evidence that all parties had thought about the consequences and came to an agreement, even if one party later changed their minds. It would show that everyone was on the same page at the start.