Frustrated with my picky eater

[AngelUK]

I posted this in my journal too but thought maybe someone on here has some insight or experience.

I am angry, frustrated, worried and at a loss. My OH made Cottage Pie tonight which last time Sebastian (6 1/2 years old) ate a bit of, though not much. Tonight he had a huge meltdown over it. He wanted to only eat the tiny burnt bits of mash on the top but without any "yellow bits" of the mash it was attached to and he refused any of the meat. He cried so so much when we told him not to dissect the food like that (he smeared "the yellow bits" either on his trousers or the napkin) and cried even more so when we told him he could not choose anything from his Halloween goodiebag as a dessert as we don't want him to eat just chocolate or sweets for dinner. But basically this means he would go to bed without any food at all! And he is so skinny (his BMI % is under 0 while he is just under 50% for height) that I just hate the idea of him not eating anything. So we gave in and he had a toast with honey and OH also gave him a dessert from his goodiebag cause we don't want the not eating to become an even bigger issue or the dessert become a reward or a punishment. I am just at a loss what to do! I read Ellyn Satter's "Division of responsibility in feeding" and it is all about the "what, when, and where of feeding and to let your child determine how much and whether to eat of what you provide." I am all for that but it has not engendered in Sebastian any willingness to eat anything other than sandwiches, fries, waffles, toast, houmous and occasionally a few mouthfuls of pasta and sausages- as well as sweets of course. If we only ever made what we want to eat and let him decide how much of that he wants to eat, he would hardly ever eat anything. I could cry with worry and annoyance and frustration. Should he not have grown out of this by now?! It just seems to be getting worse and worse and he eats fewer and fewer things! Gah and grr!

 

[Eleanor ace]

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I was a poor eater as a child, I was very very picky and my weight was a real concern so my parents were told by the paediatrician to give me whatever I would eat. This resulted in me eating a lot of sugar and I really struggle with my eating habits (especially sugar consumption) to this day. Until I was a teenager I was very underweight and I really relished the control aspect. Now I am the other way and overindulge massively. Basically in my case, giving me the onus on when & what to eat was not beneficial. I'm sure that's not the case for everyone though.

DD1 (5.5) is a very picky eater. We have some simple rules, one being that the replacement food won't be of less nutritional value than the rejected food. So if she rejects her dinner she can't have dessert instead. We will give her fruit/veg/cheese/nuts/eggs as an alternative if she doesn't eat her dinner. Something that helps is having her prepare a meal with me. Generally, this involves chopping veg, making simple sauces (with supervision) and doughs/pastry. For DD it helps her to connect to the food and because she always wants to do well, not eating the dinner means accepting that she didn't make it amazingly and often her desire to win outweighs her desire to reject it .

Sometimes DD and I will look through recipe books/online together and she will point out meals she thinks she'd enjoy. We have mixed success with this, especially if I don't make it look exactly like the picture (which is pretty much 100% of the time).

I use snacking a lot to get DD to eat so that at mealtimes I can relax a bit and if she doesn't eat I don't feel such pressure to try to make her. I really want to avoid food becoming a big control/stress issue with her. So, for example, today on the way from school to gymnastics she had a pb&j sandwich. Then on the way home from gymnastics, she had a banana and a couple of brazil nuts. She tends to eat more if the focus isn't solely on eating. I will just hand her the food, avoiding any comment about it and if she rejects it I just accept it back and try again later if I can.

Also, getting DD to serve herself seems to help for some reason. It can mean that she gives herself a teeny tiny portion or tries to just get what she likes (such as only the peas out of a cottage pie) but often she starts out like that and then can't be bothered and will take an actual serving. And she's started helping herself to more if she takes a teeny amount which is a big step. I will also try to get her to think about what she likes, e.g saying "lots of people like garlic bread with spaghetti bolognese but I don't think it tastes good, I like salad with it. What do you think?" can prompt her to think positively about what she does like with spaghetti bolognese, rather than saying "do you like garlic bread?" which she's likely to just say no to. I'm hoping that in the long run she will start to think about what she does and doesn't like so that when she's older she'll enjoy cooking. I live in hope!

Anyway, I guess most of those things are very obvious and you may well have tried them and found them unsuccessful, if so then I hope you find something that works for you

 

[Hoping4numbr3]

My son who is 8 is still a super picky eater as well. His basic food group is FRIES/Chips. I know growing up my parents were of the "If you do not like it TOO BAD! We will sit at the table all night if we have to until you finish your plate" mentality. Which honestly never worked out for my mom the way she thought. Normally after 2 hours of sitting at the table she would get up for a minute and I would go flush it down the toilet before she came back... HAH. My son is thin but doctor's say he is a healthy weight and told us not to worry about the lack of his food choices as long as he is growing okay. I will make him what he wants to eat but he will also be told to try a bite of what we are having. Just a bite that is all he has to do. We have also used candy bars as a reward sometimes for trying new foods he normally wouldn't. He has done well with this. I do not know if I am doing things right and I'd love for him to eat more healthy foods but for now as long as his health is okay I guess that is enough. Good luck mama! I know it is frustrating.

 

[noon_child]

I think the above is great advice. I just wanted to add that your son's anxiety around food seems real, so it may take a lot of time and patience to see any improvement. I would try to limit the sugar though (Halloween Candy perhaps being an exception) - like why not plain toast, why the honey? Would he not eat it without? Nut butters are quite a good option as many children think of them as treat/puddingy food but actually they are slow energy release and you can buy no added salt, no added sugar versions.

I think it might be an idea to separate meal times from 'get curious about food and texture' times. So round meal time (for now) base most of his meals on what he likes (within reason), but like the PP said getting him learning about food (where it comes from, what it smells like, what it feels like) in an activity where he will NOT be expected to eat it should reduce his anxiety around new things.

 

[AngelUK]

Thank you all so much for your answers. For some reason I did not get any notifications on there being any. Still not used to this new format.

Eleanor, we tried the whole let's cook all together and Sebastian had great fun for example with topping his own pizza but when it came to eating it, he just plain refused. He also loves cleaning and putting carrots and potatoes in the roasting tin with daddy when preparing a Sunday roast but will not eat anything but a bit of chicken breast. And when I showed him a book with recipes he turned each page with a "nope" or "not a chance". Good thing he makes me laugh!

Hoping4, Sebastian is extremely stubborn and bribery does not work on him. He would rather go to bed without dinner or the treat, than try even a mouthful of food he doesn't know/doesn't want to try. He might take a crumb but nothing that will actually let him taste it.
I am not sure if he is growing ok, it is so hard to tell as I don't know what is normal for him. I come from a family of super tall men (My father and his brothers are all around 6'3, my brother is 6'5 and I am 5'8 1/2) but my OH is only 5'10. Sebastian is not very tall and quite a bit shorter than his fraternal twin- plus he has very pale skin which can look unhealthy. He also isn't very strong, he refuses to jump or climb. All this might just be part of who he is as a person but it might also be cause he is under-nourished. I do give him supplements but I have heard that this might not be as effective as one would hope.

Noon-child the honey was just cause he asked for it and after his huge meltdown OH just gave in at that point. As for nut butter, we have only tried peanut butter (thinking how brilliant that would be for Sebastian) but I guess the boys take after my OH and me as we don't like it either.

Thank you again ladies, there is a lot of really good advice here and I am definitely going to rethink our approach.

 

[pandn]

My eldest son was like that when he was younger. He was stubborn and to this day still is very stubborn. He would have melt downs and cry til he vomited.

I did what you did and rather he ate something rather than nothing. I was worried as he wasn’t even in the percentiles for height or weight. In the end what I chose to do was listen to the “he will eat when he is hungry”. I let him starve. If he refused I took his food away. If he asked for something to eat I took the food back out. He didn’t get to pick what he wanted to eat. I did this when he was 4. After a couple weeks he started to eat his meals. What also helped was that I took him everywhere to drain all his energy so he would be starving. What I found out was he would say he didn’t like something he would at least try it. I would make him try the food every single time. If he didn’t want to eat I left it at that. Eventually he got used to eating whatever I put out. But I also know what foods he doesn’t like and don’t give him things that will take forever to eat.
You son is older so he should be able to understand now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. With my second I went with the he will eat when he is hungry. He had days where he wasn’t hungry at all but would make up for those days with day where it seemed like he had a bottomless pit. In hindsight I wish I did that with my first from the get go. Would have saved myself all the trouble of cleaning up vomit , tantrums and crying.

I know this is long, my son despite being a great eater now is still in below 0%. He isn’t the smallest in his class anymore but he is still small. Stay strong! We were made biologically for survival. You son won’t starve to death. Give it a try and if it doesn’t work you can always go back to what you are doing now. The key is consistency. If you give in he will know that his tantrums will work.

Good luck !!

 

[SarahBear]

I only read the first post. I would seek an evaluation if you haven't already. This could be a sensory thing (seek an occupational therapy evaluation) or an anxiety thing (Seek whatever evaluation is associated with that). I don't know how it works in the UK, but here in the US, I would go to his general practitioner and let them know the problems you're having. Then if they don't do so, I would request a referral to an OT, mental health professional, and a dietitian. Between those three professionals, you should be able to get some meaningful evaluations as well as some professional advice. What you're doing is clearly not working and clearly not your fault, so at this point, it's probably worth pulling in some professionals who may be able to provide some insight.

 

[AngelUK]

Thanks Sarah. He has some focus problems at school and the SENCO there is trying to have him assessed for ADD and is also trying to get him a referral for OT as he has problems sitting and standing still and topples over a lot. However, she said from experience OT referrals are super hard to come by as she has had students who could hardly walk and still did not get any. I have been waiting ages and only got a phone appointment for after Christmas. Not at all sure what good that will do but I am hoping it will lead to better things.

 

[Shoemama]

I feel your pain! Only one of the four of my children are good eaters. The other three--especially the oldest and the youngest--are atrocious. For my oldest, who is nine, my DH finally sat her down and said LISTEN you HAVE to eat. She is also extremely thin, and we worry about her health. We told her that being healthy is the most important thing, and if she wants to be healthy then she NEEDS to at least try the food we make her. For whatever reason that made an impression on her, and she dutifully eats what we tell her to, even if she hates it. Then again DD1 has always been a good listener. DD4 on the other hand No way. She's 3, and won't have any of it. She writhes and screams and just downright refuses to eat it. If she doesn't eat, then she doesn't eat. Plain and simple. If I'm super worried, I give her baby oatmeal cereal. Bland but filling, and not a reward for not eating one's dinner.

Sometimes I can get her to eat, and here's how I do it: Break the dinner down. Set aside some meat, some veggies, some bread. Add little things you know she likes like almonds or cheese. Then give her basically a platter of little tablespoon sized portions of foods. She'll eat the ones she already likes, but she might then also eat some of the foods you prepared in the first place. Kids like little portions of a variety of things so they feel like they have choices and control.

Good luck friend!