Gender Depression - Update

[Klarisa]

I wasn’t able to respond to my yesterday’s post regarding “Gender Depression” since the post has now been closed (I am still new here and don’t know all the tricks about this forum) but just wanted to say thanks for the warm words to everyone who understands my situation. As sad as GD is, it is real. I never had that problem with my first 2 boys, but now with my 3rd it’s just painful. I knew I had a 50/50 chance of having a boy/girl but because I was so religious in following the Shelters method for conceiving a girl, I really thought I was going to have a girl. What I have experienced during these past months and still do is beyond pain. I didn’t take any medication and now I am slowly starting to get better. The thought of a 3rd boy still makes me sick. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love boys, because I am addicted to my other 2 boys, it’s just that I don’t seem to grasp the idea of living with a 3rd one. I am thinking to have him live with my mother in law and let her raise him but feel bad about my oldest boy who is already loving him and calling him “my baby”. Only his reaction makes my pain diminish a little. I have thought of aborting this baby since after I learned he was a boy, but never had the strength to do that, not because I loved this child, but to protect my conscience I guess, my soul of being hurt by another abortion (I have had a prior one done at 7 weeks) and it hurt me psychologically, I didn’t want to go through the same pain again. Looking back I feel so bad I didn’t do it when I was only 12 weeks because the pain of having a 3rd boy to be completely honest with you is way greater than the post abortion pain. Sorry if anyone feels hurt reading this post, but this is my true story and that is how I have perceived it. I have and I am still suffering a lot because of this choice I made in my life.

 

[Claireyh]

You seriously need to see a professional about this situation.

You may have 'gender disappoinmnet' but you have to think about what you are saying and how it sounds to people who don't have it. It sounds totally mad to someone without it.

1. You are going to let the baby live with your MIL just because of it's sex
2. You have considered abortion just because of the baby's sex.

See someone and see them soon, you have got to get your head round this sharpish. This baby is coming. I am worried for the health of your child once they are born if you don't get seen to.

I really can't put myself in your position, I could have 15 boys or 15 girls and not be bothered that I didn't have one of the other sex. THis is obviously some sort of mental illness like all other depression and you MUST seek help like you would if any other part of your body was ill.

Please book an appointment with your doctor who can then refer to the right people.

 

[Klarisa]

It's not that I am sick that I feel this way. I am currently working full time as an Accountant and I do a pretty good job at it. It's just that when it comes to this child I just can't accept him as being my reality, and yes because he is another boy. May be I will change when he is born but for now I am in complete denial and pain.

 

[mommy2baby2]

Clairehy, you obviously do not understand how she is feeling and obviously have no clue what she's going through. So instead of passing judgement on something you have no direct experience with, why don't you give up the guilt trip, offer her your sympathies and move on.

I personally know exactly how she feels and am going through similar. Sorry that other's can't get pregnant and they find this a touchy subject but if you need to have a baby that bad and can't concieve, there are millions of children all over the world who need adoptive families.

No one forced you to open this thread and give your "Holier than Thou" opinion, again, on a subject you HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH.

Klarisa, don't let anyone drag you down, you are entitled to your emotions and hope that you, me and any others experience this can find the peace we need. Just remember that you aren't alone and there are probably dozens on here who just haven't talked about (and probably won't due to all the backlash). I wouldn't have brought it up but when I saw your post, I decided to. Talking about it is a big step (I think). Kind of like an alcoholic, admitting the problem is step 1.

Good luck!

 

[Claireyh]

Clairehy, you obviously do not understand how she is feeling and obviously have no clue what she's going through. So instead of passing judgement on something you have no direct experience with, why don't you give up the guilt trip, offer her your sympathies and move on.

I personally know exactly how she feels and am going through similar. Sorry that other's can't get pregnant and they find this a touchy subject but if you need to have a baby that bad and can't concieve, there are millions of children all over the world who need adoptive families.

No one forced you to open this thread and give your "Holier than Thou" opinion, again, on a subject you HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH.

I am not passing judgement. She needs to see someone.

I am not being holier than thou. She can't just deny it's happening. She needs to talk to someone who can actually help her. Not have some random on the internet saying that it's OK. What she is talking about is not OK, she needs to develop some coping mechanisms and the only person who can help her properly is a professional.

 

[Claireyh]

It's not that I am sick that I feel this way. I am currently working full time as an Accountant and I do a pretty good job at it. It's just that when it comes to this child I just can't accept him as being my reality, and yes because he is another boy. May be I will change when he is born but for now I am in complete denial and pain.

This is a situation related depression, I'm sure that you can maintain all your usual duties. However, you can't bury your head in the sand.

Talking to a professional will help you work through those feelings.

You musn't sit there in denial and deal with it yourself.

 

[JynxPhD]

Claire, making decisions about a baby based solely on its sex are common in some cultures. You don't have to agree with it but you have no idea what she is feeling.

Where are you from dear? I am wondering if you have a good marriage right now? Does your husband help with the kids and how old are they? I don't think you are sick but I think you might have a touch of prenatal depression. I think you are just overwhelmed with the thought of having 3 boys. Have you thought about adoption at all? Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? Some of us are here for you.

 

[Claireyh]

It might be 'common in some cultures', but it still doens't stop it from being morally and ethically skewed.

And it's certainly not common in my culture.

I am not saying what she is feeling is wrong. Where did I say that?

What I am saying is that is depression, a mental illness, which needs a professional to support her and make a decision that will be the best for everyone. Not just talk to her husband or people on the internet!

 

[mommy2baby2]

Clairehy, you obviously do not understand how she is feeling and obviously have no clue what she's going through. So instead of passing judgement on something you have no direct experience with, why don't you give up the guilt trip, offer her your sympathies and move on.

I personally know exactly how she feels and am going through similar. Sorry that other's can't get pregnant and they find this a touchy subject but if you need to have a baby that bad and can't concieve, there are millions of children all over the world who need adoptive families.

No one forced you to open this thread and give your "Holier than Thou" opinion, again, on a subject you HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH.

I am not passing judgement. She needs to see someone.

I am not being holier than thou. She can't just deny it's happening. She needs to talk to someone who can actually help her. Not have some random on the internet saying that it's OK. What she is talking about is not OK, she needs to develop some coping mechanisms and the only person who can help her properly is a professional.

But you ARE passing judgement. Coming in here saying she's sick in the head, that you "worry" about her baby (obviously you feel she's incompitant and will abuse the child)...

Again, I'm going through almost identical emotions (as can be read on the original GD thread about 3-4 posts from the start), I don't consider myself "sick" or a potential child abuser...and I also don't plan on seeing a doctor about it...

But since you really want her to see a doctor, I assume you will be providing the financial support? You ARE the one, afterall, basically calling her crazy/sick to be feeling the way she does...and you claim to be concerned so...

 

[mommy2baby2]

It might be 'common in some cultures', but it still doens't stop it from being morally and ethically skewed.

And it's certainly not common in my culture.

I am not saying what she is feeling is wrong. Where did I say that?

What I am saying is that is depression, a mental illness, which needs a professional to support her and make a decision that will be the best for everyone. Not just talk to her husband or people on the internet!

It's also not acceptable to drink while pregnant, smoke while pregnant (and often while not), do drugs (pregnant or not), overeat to obesity, have an eating disorder...etc

Society deems those actions skewed as well. Do you cast judgements and force your opinions on those people as well? Doubt it.

 

[Claireyh]

When did I say ANY of that?

I said I worried for her child yes. If she's depressed about it, how on earth can she cope with it IF SHE DOESN'T SEEK SOME HELP.

She has 2 children and a job. She is onviously more than capable but she is not feeling capable when it comes to this child.

I didn't say she was 'sick in the head'. I said that it's obviously some kind of siuation related depression. That is most certainly not a term I would ever use in relation to depression.

As for the money, what a ridiculous thing to say!! I live in the UK, if people need help with things like this, we get it without having to pay, so that is something I forgot to consider.

 

[Betheney]

I think everyone should maybe stop posting on this thread only because the last one was closed by an adimisrator and I don't think they'll be happy to see it up and running again.

On this page us the final post about the last GD thread by wobbles https://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-second-trimester/351387-gender-depression-16.html

 

[minties]

I agree with Claireyh, it sounds like you have depression and you need some professional help.

My MIL has 3 boys, and wanted a girl so badly with each pregnancy. Her second baby has grown up to be a very mentally disturbed person because of how she treated him, he's in jail right now for molesting some little girls. He has a hatred towards female children, because of his mother.

Do yourself and your 3rd child a big favour, and sort this out NOW, before it's too late!

I believe that what you are feeling is very real, and I understand it - but don't want to see it ruin your life of your childs life.

 

[Claireyh]

It might be 'common in some cultures', but it still doens't stop it from being morally and ethically skewed.

And it's certainly not common in my culture.

I am not saying what she is feeling is wrong. Where did I say that?

What I am saying is that is depression, a mental illness, which needs a professional to support her and make a decision that will be the best for everyone. Not just talk to her husband or people on the internet!

It's also not acceptable to drink while pregnant, smoke while pregnant (and often while not), do drugs (pregnant or not), overeat to obesity, have an eating disorder...etc

Society deems those actions skewed as well. Do you cast judgements and force your opinions on those people as well? Doubt it.

Yet again, I am not casting judegement on the OP.

What you have just mentioned is IRRELEVANT to this post.

 

[mommy2baby2]

I agree with what you wrote Minties.

In my case, I hope more than anything I'll be able to sort it out before he's born. I have such a tremendous fear that I will end up resenting him and emotionally abandoning him. I definitely don't want him to grow up feeling like his Mommy didn't love him. I have many friends who have grown up with parents like that, and all of them are slightly off/messed up because of it. One friend's mom went as far to flat out tell her that she (her daughter) was a mistake and that having her ruined her life. She's now an adult and the wounds are still fresh. Unfortunately, she now treats her son like that (but doesn't tell him, as far as I know). She'd rather go out and party than mother her 3 year old.

 

[Claireyh]

I think everyone should maybe stop posting on this thread only because the last one was closed by an adimisrator and I don't think they'll be happy to see it up and running again.

On this page us the final post about the last GD thread by wobbles https://www.babyandbump.com/pregnancy-second-trimester/351387-gender-depression-16.html

Good idea, I shall be taking your advice xxx

 

[JynxPhD]

I am so sorry that you reached out for help and companionship and, once again, it just turned into people arguing. The same thing happened when I reached out. This forum is not so friendly if you don't go with the norm. Please feel free to message me. I don't think you are crazy. I think you need to talk. Remember, you are never wrong for how you feel! You just need to find the best solution for you and your family.

 

[mommy2baby2]

It might be 'common in some cultures', but it still doens't stop it from being morally and ethically skewed.

And it's certainly not common in my culture.

I am not saying what she is feeling is wrong. Where did I say that?

What I am saying is that is depression, a mental illness, which needs a professional to support her and make a decision that will be the best for everyone. Not just talk to her husband or people on the internet!

It's also not acceptable to drink while pregnant, smoke while pregnant (and often while not), do drugs (pregnant or not), overeat to obesity, have an eating disorder...etc

Society deems those actions skewed as well. Do you cast judgements and force your opinions on those people as well? Doubt it.

Yet again, I am not casting judegement on the OP.

What you have just mentioned is IRRELEVANT to this post.

How is it irrelevant? You come on here preaching about how her emotions are viewed morally and ethically skewed in "your culture"...so are the same things I mentioned. Do you judge those in other "skewed" situations? Or do you pick and chose what situations to pass judgement on? Do you ignore or even partake in the other socially "skewed" situations? Seems like you judge the ones that you have no experience with...like GD.

 

[Newt4]

I had GD when i found out I was having a girl but never in this world would I ever think of giving her up or anything like that. Im over the disappointment it took me a couple of days but I love my little girl like nothing else in this world and cant wait for her to be born. I think you have an extreme case of GD and I do think you need to talk to someone like a councilor or someone who has the schooling. Not just some random forum people.

 

[Vickie]

This thread would have been fine if people left the past argument out of it. Unfortunately that does not seem possible so it will remain closed.