Gender upset at birth

[Sarah345]

As I write this I feel so incredibly guilty and selfish. I know I am really so lucky and will sound terrible. I feel awful for having such selfish thoughts. have just had baby #3 who is now just 5 days old. I already have a gorgeous girl who's 5 and boy who's 3. I've been so lucky - we didn't find out the sex of baby 3 and I didn't think I cared either way but as soon as I heard my husband say it's a boy I felt devastated. The emotion took me by surprise and I realised I'd be desperate for a little girl. I've cried everyday since and I'm struggling to feel happy.

I feel terrible about it. He's the cutest thing and i should be grinning from ear to ear to have a healthy little new boy but I can't help thinking about how I wanted a little girl running around. I keep looking at my daughters baby things and toys and feel devastated they won't be used again. I keep imagining them on my boy and how happy I'd feel. I know I sound terrible and so ungrateful. I keep telling myself to stop and think of my friends who have struggled to even have kids or my best friend who desperately wants a girl and has 3 boys. And hears me complaining when I have one. It's so wrong i know but I can't cheer up.

I love both my my daughter and my son to pieces but my daughter and I are closer. My 3yo son is daddy's boy and doesn't really show me any affection. Daddy has to put him to bed, he says he doesn't love me only Daddy and he goes to daddy if he's hurt- he freaks out if I try and help. It never used to bother me as I know he must love me but now I'm in tears all the time. Whereas my daughter adores me and only wants me. But she's changing and is getting more and more independent and I just wanted to re live the beautiful baby years with a little girl again.

I'm desperate to snap out of it and feel happy. I keep thinking I'm over it and I crack on but it keeps hitting me and I just cry. I've read lots of posts from people who have been upset when they find out the sex at their 20 u/s scan and all have said when they finally met their baby the feelings disappeared and they felt instant love. But I didn't find out the sex and my shock came at birth. I keep looking at him and feel so bad for not feeling blissfully happy.
I always wanted 3 kids and thought I'd feel so content now. But instead I feel loss and upset.

Has anyone else been through this where they struggled at birth? Did it get better? I'm worried I'm always going to look at him and wish I was seeing a girl. I really don't want that and I want this feeling to go away. I want to find this love and happiness that I should be feeling. He's only going to be little for such a short time and I'm wasting it by crying and wishing he's something he's not.

 

[marmoset]

Oh hon, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. It must be so hard to be having those feelings. Everything's going to be okay, sometimes our emotions work in really complicated ways. It's clear to me from your post that you love your baby so much. You can be in love and be grieving at the same time, and it sounds like there are a few different things that are hard for you right now - your daughter getting more independent and your older son having an intense difference in how he interacts with you vs. his dad... either of those things alone would be hard to deal with and would certainly warrant some tears and sadness. So you've got all of that going on plus you just gave birth only a few days ago, what a lot of powerful things to be going through all at once. Of course you're sad and hurting, I'd be worried you were a robot if you weren't.

Is your husband supportive about what you are going through with your feelings about your daughter growing up, and with your older son? I hope he is, and I hope that you can talk to him about the new layer of grief that you are feeling about those situations because somewhere deep down you thought having another girl would make them better. If not your husband then maybe you have a very compassionate and understanding friend, one who is not in the midst of her own fertility or gender struggle, who could hear you out and give you a big hug.

You're going through so much right now and it was really brave of you to write about it. It's so much better to get those feelings out than to bottle them up and shove them down. I admire your honesty and self-awareness a ton.

Hang in there and take care of yourself. You are doing great, and this too shall pass.

 

[Sarah345]

Thank you marmoset. Your reply had me well up! I'm such a mess at the moment! I've tried talking to my husband but it's unbelievable how crazy our lives are right now. We moved house last week- the day after #3 was born. DH and I have barely had time to talk. And I had a c section so am struggling to move although am much better today. I feel I can't talk to friends as think I sound so spoilt and selfish. So many of my friends have just kiss the same sex and I feel they'll think I'm being so selfish. Which I know I am.

But it's really upsetting me. I can't even watch videos of my daughter when she was a baby as its making me too sad I won't get this. And when my son shuns m now I get overly sensitive.

 

[October9]

I was just wandering the forum and came across your post. I don't have any experience of this but I just wanted to say that my little boy is a proper mummies boy. He always wants me, when he's hurt, for bed times, for cuddles. I get the most kisses. His daddy is the one for rough and tumble time and play times.

Don't write your new little boy off that he will be the same as your son now. You may find he is completely different ☺ I hope this helps in some small way x

 

[Septie]

I have 3 sons. And I can tell you that the relationships you have with your two older kids likely have nothing to do with gender. At least my 2 older sons are as different as night and day (not sure yet about the third). Your little baby might well be a total mommy's boy like your little girl!!
Also, keep in mind that you are undergoing major hormonal changes atm - so it's perfectly natural that you feel all kinds of emotions.
I do hope you will feel better soon and get to enjoy your little one Congratulations!!

 

[Amygdala]

I don't think this is about his gender at all. I think his gender has just brought up other issues for you, as marmoset said, and above all, you're 5 days post partum. There is such a strong mix of hormones in your system and "the baby blues" is a powerful thing. I think you think you care about the gender so much because you're upset when you think you should be happy and the gender is the only explanation you can find. In reality, it's probably 99% your postpartum hormones making you upset and if it wasn't the gender, you'd be upset about breastfeeding or lack of attention for your older kids or whatever else could be an explanation for your strong feelings. I hope this doesn't come across as condescending, it's not meant that way. I've been there twice and I remember how intense the despair can be in that first week (in my case, it was breastfeeding I was devastated about but it worked out both times). The good news is that the hormones will settle soon and I would bet so will your gender disappointment. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up over it. You love your little boy and he's far too tiny to know what's going on. It will be ok. Be kind to yourself!

 

[Teri7489]

My little boy just turned one but your post took me right back to the night he was born.

I was absolutely convinced I was having a girl but when they lifted him ans said boy I was devastated. I then cried so much through sheer guilt. I had this horrible cloud over me both upset at having a boy (as I already had a girl) and for having those feelings. I honestly thought I'd never be happy but I am. Once my hormones settled and he managed to latch for feeding I got that lovely warm feeling which again made me cry. Watching him feed, hold my finger, saying muma, walking to me have made all those thoughts go. Yes I clearly wanted another girl at the start but I've got this beautiful boy who is my little monkey. I hope your dark feelings lift soon but try to go easy on yourself. You've been through a lot, your hormones will be running wild and no doubt exhausted. Big hugs xxx