My OH also struggles with the whole concept of ttc. He was the one to ask me about having a child together in April 09 and was almost in tears when I said I would love to because he thought after having two already, I wouldn't be keen to start again. Amazingly, we fell pg first month and he was absolutely over the moon, I have so many texts of him saying how happy he is etc.. then I m/c. He took it philosophically, saying that we would try again and it was bound to happen since it had so easily. We were persuaded he has super sperm. Went on 5 months of active ttc, sometimes taking it with a laugh, sometimes not. I wanted to talk about it, he gradually didn't. In Nov 09, we got referred and we had the appt in Feb. He was really reluctant to do the SA test, not because of the implications, but just anxiety about the process. He is the type to never go to a doctor and the idea of going to a clinic and discussing anything about sperm puts him in a sweat! I tried to book it myself, but he had to do it. It took him days to do so, and it was a real chore for him. Really hard for me to understand, but i could see how much he dreaded it. Then he was freaking out at the idea of doing it at the clinic. I think he trully believed he wouldn't be able to do so. In the end, we were able to do it at home, and like Omi, it turned out to be quite fun! I went with him to drop it off (read: I held the specimen, did all the talking and handed it over whilst he stood behind me!). Anyway, results came back not good and we decided to schedule another test. At that stage, he was keen to try icsi, if anything on the basis that he wouldn't want to regret not having tried.
Over the months though, his attitude has gradually changed. He took the 'news' quite well, at least in appearance. Now I know how much the whole thing has taken quite a beating on him. We had a second test (this time the whole thing was a lot more relaxing) which came back much better. He told me before the appt that he was absolutely dreading the idea of doing icsi. Now, because of the results, we are giving it another try naturally with a 3rd test in September, but a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he wasn't so sure any longer, that he was really worried about the implication of a baby in our lives and him not being a good dad because of his age. I was gobsmacked, but when I asked him if it was a problem for him that I was still very keen and not prepared to give up, he gave me a big hug and said with emotion that no, it wasnt a problem at all.
Men seem to react quite differently to us. The way I deal with it is accepting the ups and downs that ttc takes us through, but not matter what, determined to get there in the end. OH goes through ups and downs dealing with the disappointment by convincing himself that it isn't meant to be because he wouldn't be a good dad, which of course is absolute rubbish!
Where we are is that I am taking the lead on this (which is ok because he takes the lead on other matters in our lives) and he goes along with it! Even though I never say anymore that I am about to ovulate, I think he senses it and he certainly never say no to bd! He doesn't refuse to make appointments or go, even if I can tell that it makes him anxious to go. He is also cutting down on his drinking, and even though he would deny it has something to do with the consultant advising him to do so because of the relationship between sperm and alcohol, I know he is really making an effort because of it. He isn't reducing his cycling though, and sometimes I want to say something, but I know how much it means to him and I can't show him evidence that this is really affecting him since he cycled less when sperm would have been produced for the first (bad) SA then the second (almost normal).
In the end, it is much about respect for each other's ways to deal with it. My OH accepts my borderline obsessive and determined approach to it, even if at times, I burst into tears and I know it makes him feel terrible to see me like this, and I respect that his way of coping is to convince himself that it might be better if it doesn't happen. I asked him last time we talked about it to promise me to tell me if he really wanted to give up ttc altogether because it would take a lot out of me and I would need time to adjust to it. I know deep inside that as long as it is not in his face day after day, he will want to continue trying.
He did say something when we started ttc after the m/c which I know meant a lot to him which was that his biggest fear was that the stress of ttc would impege on our relationship. He said that no matter what, having found me what the most wonderful thing that had happened to him, and even though a baby would be an absolute gift, it wasn't worth losing me over it. I think this is a common fear amongst men ttc. We do tend to become odd hormones-fueled creatures whilst ttc