Getting DH to understand me

[calm]

My DH is a lovely man, but can be quite radical in simple in his approaches to issues.

He does want to have kids, as myself, but of course says we can't until I can do certain things that I have made anxiety limit me and are not able to do.

This is fine, I agree completely. If I can't do x things, you can't have a child, its simple and logical.

However, he many a times doesn't understand why I go on about having kids, when I can't have them at this moment, as he is very about the present and little about the future.

So, last night, I went on for 1/2 hour non-stop about why women are like we are, going from mother and animal instinct to the fact that men and women want sex is because we are built that way so the human race will survive. I went on to explain how since a woman gets her first period, we are all hormones, and every month is about that "egg". That women want it so much that sometimes it drives over the bridge of madness to go and rob a child. I went on and on and on, hardly stopping for breath, only stopping to say: I just don't want you to think its some silly whim because we want to go out and by booties, or that we want a child because "the woman next door has one so me too" (he never has said that by the way). He had to go bed very shortly after that, as he gets up really early, so I will keep all posted to see if he understood me a bit better, or not at all.

 

[Heather212]

Hi Calm, I'm sorry you're having this problem with your husband.

This is something that aggravates me from men, I really can't understand why so many of them act like wanting kids is some type of mental problem.

Actually it's the opposite, we are made to have offspring and people who don't have that urge are usually dealing with some type of issue. Perhaps they had a tough childhood, or maybe grew up with financial deprivation and are worried about the cost of having a child. Whatever it is, usually there's an issue.

At any rate, I'm pretty sure he'll come around, just keep letting him know how important it is to you.

 

[morri]

My experience with men is that everything that includes the word hormones is TMI for them.

I hope your DH changes his mind though soon to having kids as soon as possible,

 

[calm]

No no no... I couldn't have explained myself, my DH does want kids, as soon as my anxiety is better enough, hopefully by the end of the year, next summer at the latest, he knows and wants us to TTC

The problem he has, he just can't understand I spend time now talking about babies, as now, I can't have them

 

[Amygdala]

However, he many a times doesn't understand why I go on about having kids, when I can't have them at this moment, as he is very about the present and little about the future.

I think that's most men really... I know mine's like that. But knowing that we are different in our approaches to things like this actually helps us dealing with it. I know that him not talking about it only means that it's not a "current" issue for him and doesn't mean that he doesn't want kids. And he knows that me going on and on about it doesn't mean that I don't understand that we have to wait. We still clash sometimes, because it's hard for me to understand how you can want something but not obsess about it.

But I think it's good that you tried to explain what you're feeling and I hope he understands a bit better now. I'm sure you'll both get through the waiting, just be patient with each other!

 

[kate.m.]

it's hard for me to understand how you can want something but not obsess about it.

So true! i know exactly what you mean!

 

[bunnyg82]

aww hun, it's hard to explain it from our point of view - it's not easy to put into words that feeling that we have. I can't blame them for getting so confused by us... it's just another one of those men are from mars things!

 

[honeybee2]

ive tried to explain this to him a BIZZILION times- its a womans absolute RIGHT (hense why they allow IVF IUI etc etc etc)to have a child, its our natural occurance, and for me it was like a light switch, since this year when i thought i was pregnant, (but wasnt) it was like a light had been switched on, and it was an instinct to carry and protect a child, and its nothing i can turn off- trust me ive tried, and im only 20, 21 in oct and i just cant seem to fight off the urge to have a baby, it seems natural and right and my arms actually yern to hold them, by nipples go tingly thinking of them (sorry tmi i know but its normal apparently) and my brain is telling me its right. im not broody, i dont give to sh**s about booties or tiny socks, i just want MY baby and my body wants to carry a baby, and im sorry if im a nut case to all the men, but they dont have the faintest bloody clue....rant over lol xxx

 

[calm]

ive tried to explain this to him a BIZZILION times- its a womans absolute RIGHT (hense why they allow IVF IUI etc etc etc)to have a child, its our natural occurance, and for me it was like a light switch, since this year when i thought i was pregnant, (but wasnt) it was like a light had been switched on, and it was an instinct to carry and protect a child, and its nothing i can turn off- trust me ive tried, and im only 20, 21 in oct and i just cant seem to fight off the urge to have a baby, it seems natural and right and my arms actually yern to hold them, by nipples go tingly thinking of them (sorry tmi i know but its normal apparently) and my brain is telling me its right. im not broody, i dont give to sh**s about booties or tiny socks, i just want MY baby and my body wants to carry a baby, and im sorry if im a nut case to all the men, but they dont have the faintest bloody clue....rant over lol xxx

Yeps, men better watch out, we might just freeze all their sperm and get on with it without them if they don't start understand things better. Warning N1 for husband

 

[wishandhope]

I'm so glad I read this post. My HB is so similar. He and I have been together for 9years and married for 2. I am SO keen to start a family - he says he is but then rejects his decision when the time is right..
He uses excuses like.. finance -lets pay off the c/c first... etc...
We now have no debts (which is a great feeling).. but he still finds 'barriers'. This week it's - we're not like everyone else we dont need to get married and then straight away have kids..
I've tried talking to him..kindy and sympathetic.... Then he says he can't wait to start a family..... - what the!!!!!!!
BUT - UGH! So frustrating sometimes!!!!!

 

[calm]

I'm so glad I read this post. My HB is so similar. He and I have been together for 9years and married for 2. I am SO keen to start a family - he says he is but then rejects his decision when the time is right..
He uses excuses like.. finance -lets pay off the c/c first... etc...
We now have no debts (which is a great feeling).. but he still finds 'barriers'. This week it's - we're not like everyone else we dont need to get married and then straight away have kids..
I've tried talking to him..kindy and sympathetic.... Then he says he can't wait to start a family..... - what the!!!!!!!
BUT - UGH! So frustrating sometimes!!!!!

I am sorry. But I think people understand me wrong, or more likely I don't explain myself well in this post. My DH is not the reason I can't TTC at this moment, my health is, I suffer from anxiety. My problem with DH he that he can't understand wanting to talk about something that is going to happen in the future, not now and today. But I do know many women that have similar issues with their husband wishandhope, so you are certainly not alone.

 

[Cinnamon]

Dear Calm, most men tend to take things as they come along and therefor don't usually linger talking about a future, wether it's distant or not. I find hubby just tags along with my baby madness and says soothing comments now and again but I really think he does it for me, not because he sees it a posibility coming up soon as such... I think until the baby pops out it still won't dawn on him... It's just the way we are, us women think ahead in most things in life and we can't help it either!! xxxxx

I guess you've already talked to him about the need to comment certain baby related issues now and again, even if it might not be any time soon, but I'm sure if you tell him how good it makes you feel to get things of your chest, he'll be glad to talk about things once in a while. Good luck love, xxxxxx

 

[calm]

Yes cinnamon, he is quite good, and the other day actually sat with me for 1 hour talking about what names, and it was his idea that we have a shortlist. I must say though, I already know what names I want, and he does agree, but its good to have some more and hear what names he likes and which he doesn't xxx

 

[honeybee2]

Dear Calm, most men tend to take things as they come along and therefor don't usually linger talking about a future, wether it's distant or not. I find hubby just tags along with my baby madness and says soothing comments now and again but I really think he does it for me, not because he sees it a posibility coming up soon as such... I think until the baby pops out it still won't dawn on him... It's just the way we are, us women think ahead in most things in life and we can't help it either!! xxxxx

I guess you've already talked to him about the need to comment certain baby related issues now and again, even if it might not be any time soon, but I'm sure if you tell him how good it makes you feel to get things of your chest, he'll be glad to talk about things once in a while. Good luck love, xxxxxx

fair comment hunny! my OH only talks about the future when he's trying to get us to work towards it now (ie/ he wants a good job so went back to uni and now is a teacher and im also training to be a teacher) and he also talks about- yes but when we have children we must have achieved this and that and have our own house with a HUGE garden in a wonderful neighbourhood and an ice cream truck (he wants a house in the 50's it seems!) and i guess its his way of convincing me to work hard now so i can enjoy babies when we have stuff- and although this is logical, hes also a guy focusing on the here and now so he can think about the future and generally doesnt like to talk about it much! i guess thats just men in general! me on the other hand, i dont plan my future, i take opportunities and go with what i feel is right! and right now my body is telling me im ready to have a child.

 

[Cinnamon]

I think this is one of the best proofs you can have to know what to do in most things in your life...

 

[saharablue02]

This post literally made me laugh out loud...apparently we're trying to live life in the 50's LMAO....

Anyhow, I know exactly what you mean-I don't care about the stuff-my body is what is telling me to have babies...it's just an "urge" that is so hard to explain. It's the same urge that makes me think (promise only think-wouldn't ever DO) about not telling him I stopped BCP and oh oops

 

[Sarahkka]

Calm - explain to him that talking about the future is therapeutic and helps with your anxiety! That you simply must chat about babies for an hour a day - doctor's orders!

 

[calm]

Talking about the future is actually the worst you can do for anxiety actually haha, don't think it would wash, to be free of anxiety the best it to be like him, very much in the present, shame huh?

 

[calm]

Signs that he understands me better:

- Spent a couple of hours in weekend reading out names to me and asking which I liked or not for our future child

- Listens to more when I need to talk about the subject

So, what I do, is try not to talk about it too often, as its not fair on him or me to obsess, and I try to ocupy my mind with other things as much as I can. Anyway, obsess can lead to stress, and I would never get pregnant then,

 

[shambaby]

I have had similar problems with my hubby - as soon as we were married I wanted to start trying, but he was very sensible about it and we agreed to sort out some financial stuff first. Obviously that didn't mean I no longer wanted children, and as no-one else knows we are planning to try, he was the only person I could talk to about it. He would get very upset and annoyed when I mentioned babies and didn't want to talk about it. Eventually, we talked about why he wouldn't talk about babies - turns out he thought I was trying to put pressure on him to agree to try sooner. Once I reassured him that was not the case and that it was just that babies were very often on my mind, he relaxed and now we talk about it quite a lot - even discussing possible names (which we CANNOT agree on) and moving house to make sure we are in a nice area for children and near a good school!
I hope you manage to overcome your anxiety soon, calm, keep talking to him and tell him how you feel so that he can help and support you.