Guilt over what if I do get pregnant

[Rmar]

This is only my first cycle of TTC so if I do get pregnant I will feel so estatic but I would also feel very guilty.

My sister has been trying for a baby for 7 years. I know if I get pregnant I will be like a big kick to the face for her. She has been through so much. Her first pregnancy was going smoothly when she found out her FIL has lung cancer and our father died. A week later she was told by an ob that her baby was going to be a still born. On the way back from her appointment she stopped by for our father's funeral and while we were all mourning over his death, she was silently mourning the soon-to-be loss of her little girl. A month after that she had to mourn again for her FIL death. Just a couple of weeks later she was in hospital giving birth at 25 weeks to her beautiful daughter, who defied the ob's words and lived for three hours before passing away.

The time since the birth of her first child she has suffered two M/C and loosing one of her ovaries. She has been compensating for loosing her daughter by fostering lots of babies over the years and sending them on once they become too old. She has most recently had a relationship breakdown with her husband and is separated to sort themselves out.

She has always wanted to be a mother. When I was born she said she would sit with me and pretend that I was her baby.

I would dread telling her if I got pregnant so soon. I would feel so guilty!

I just wanted to get that out.

 

[calliebaby]

That must be really difficult. I am sorry to hear that. I'm sure your sister will be very happy for you though.

 

[moochacha]

Whoa your sister is so strong, i can relate our baby girl was still born at 40 weeks. 5 weeks later my SIL gave birth to her baby girl, everyone was sending pictures to our mobiles and calling us up about the baby.
We felt totally guttered and i still feel guilty over the resentment i still feel to this day 6 months on.

It seems that after we said goodbye to our angel everyone forgot about her, no one has asked us how we are coping and everyone is eager to shove baby pictures in our face. Maybe its how my DH's family deals with it, maybe they can't talk to us about our loss.

We're feeling much more positive now though we still haven't seen my SIL baby girl even though they live only 60 KM away from us. To add to our heartbreak she is pregnant again with her 3rd the first two both under 1yr and also my other SIL is pregnant.

I think this Christmas we will be going to a couples retreat lol

But huni even though it hurts that so many of our family members are pregnant and so many of my friends are pregnant I am still happy for them, i may feel slight bitterness at first but after a month or so it normally goes away. I find it better if they don't talk about it with me and wait till i ask how their pregnancy is going, for some reason... strange.

All I'm saying is that when you do get your BFP let her take the first steps to approach you, I don't mean hide it from her i think you should sit down and tell her privately then let her gather her thoughts and allow her time to approach you. Maybe even be honest about your feelings of guilt and ask her if she wants some space and reassure her that she will always be welcome to get involved when she feels strong enough to... I wish someone had done this to us when we found out our SIL's were pregnant again, instead we got happy phone calls in the middle of the night.

Sending you lots of

 

[vaniilla]

I'm sure you're sister would support you and that you would do the same if you were in her shoes, maybe you getting pregnant earlier might be a positive thing and you can become closer. things just happen when they do in life I'm sure she'll be understanding

 

[emmys_james]

I'm sure you're sister would support you and that you would do the same if you were in her shoes, maybe you getting pregnant earlier might be a positive thing and you can become closer. things just happen when they do in life I'm sure she'll be understanding

too right.
and maybe you can tell her she can help out with the baby, be like a nanny or something XD maybe shed love that. or babysitter.

 

[Rmar]

Thank you all for the kind words. I really hope we can become closer through this!

 

[brownlieB]

I wish you all the luck in the world, and i am sorry to hear of your sisters struggles, I agree with the majority, don't be scared to tell her after all she is your sister and i'm sure although she may feel a little bitter, mostly she'll be happy for you.

I would say though i have read alot on here that when people are trying to concieve and sisters, cousins, friends etc are pregnant they get a minute by minute update and pictures of scans and stuff, which just makes them feel worse.

I'm not saying don't share your experience but like moochacha said i'd let her come to you. (and i'd remind your mum not to go round chatting about the baby all the time too) i just know sometimes when theres a birth in the family all the conversation is baby baby baby, just be sensitive to how your sister is feeling. Which by the sounds of this post you already are.

Good luck and fingers crossed for your first cycle of trying to concieve welcome to the gang!! x x x

 

[Rmar]

I don't think I will have much trouble with family telling her any details as she is not my mum's daughter (dad's teenage fling) and I am only in contact with her because we have both made the effort to be that way.

Good luck to you all in TTC!

 

[Eternal]

oh hun thats tough, i know how hard it was for me just to tell a friend who had been trying for 3 years that i got pregnant on my first cycle! It was tough and I find it hard to talk to her the same way now as i dont want to rub her nose in it!

I guess thats just how it is sometimes though.

Moochacha - I am so sorry for your loss, i cant imagine how that must feel. i have had a few friends who have lost babies at term and I am totally scared to death that this might happen to my baby too. (overdue now) It must be the most devestating thing in the world, to carry a baby to term and lose it, i am so sorry.

I am also sorry your family dont seem to see your pain, they prob just dont know what to say but i am sure ignoring the fact makes it a lot worse!