Guilty feelings for not managing a vaginal birth

[Olivermsmummy]

I fully understand, with ds1 I laboured for over 24 hours and then spent 1 1/2 hours pushing but his head was in the wrong position so he was stuck I was brought to theatre for an emcs but they decided to try ventouse first (which I was happyish with at that moment) one push (and suck) and ds literally flew out in 1 go resulting in a third degree tear and 2 hours in stirrups getting stitched back together for me before I could even hold him properly!
This time without hesitation I'm having a planned c section 3 days before due date as I know it is the best for both LO and me!
At the end of the day you have given a safe secure place for your LO to grow and you have given them a wonderful loving start to life (no matter how they come out!) be proud of what you have achieved (not what you havent)

 

[Ozzieshunni]

I've gone through guilt, anger, outright rage, sadness, depression, grief and mourning over my EMCS.

its all normal hun, a healthy baby isnt all that matters, pregnancy and birth is such a massive ting people seem to underestimate how important the birth is.

I do have to respectfully disagree. To me, Alex's health was all that mattered as labor could have killed him and we would have never known. Just my thoughts.

 

[tristansmum]

My labour was really similar to yours. Inducded. Had pessary at 7am which got me to 3 cm by 3pm and then I had to wait for a room for them to break my waters until 5am!!! 14 hours. I didnt sleep and by the time i got a room i was having contractions every 5 min which were painful. So i had been awake 24 hours when my waters were broken. Got to 10cm in a total daze (combination of the pethadine and complete exhaustion). Push for maybe 1.5-2 hours. Then they realised he was in a odd position which is way he wasn't coming down. Theatre for a spinal (oohh the relief!) and forceps which did not work and so EMCS.

I know exactly how you feel. It took be months so stop crying about my friends 'normal' births. I felt so cheated. I wanted to push him out. Especially going through a whole labour and 2 hours of pushing. It did affect our bonding initally and i never got to grips with BF as my milk was delayed by 5 days and i was struggling with the pain of the section.

I'm ok with it now. He is 19 months and my love for him totally outweighs my disappointment with the birth. I agree that ultimately his safe delivery was the most important thing and without the section there is a chance we both would have died (he was totally stuck up there) but i think its normal to feel let down.

 

[BintUmmi]

I don`t know if this sounds really weird but..

I had to have a c-section because of pre-eclampsia. I felt that it was more difficult comming around to the idea when they told me I would need a c-section rather than dealing with it afterwards, but I don`t feel like I 'gave birth' to my daughter and I can say that, I think more of when she was born because I feel like I didn`t actually do anything iykwim?

Did or does anyone else see it like this or am I just a bit strange?

 

[kitkatwidget1]

water birth if you can have it would be good

am assuming your section was planned then; did you find you worried over aspects of the surgery?

weve been talking about TTC a brother or sister for little man and i confess that the epidural worries me! (was too occupied with everything else going on to worry)

What age do the docs think your LO will need a pacemaker? while hes a child or is it something that he'll need when hes an older man?

i love the pic on your signature

 

[kitkatwidget1]

I've gone through guilt, anger, outright rage, sadness, depression, grief and mourning over my EMCS.

its all normal hun, a healthy baby isnt all that matters, pregnancy and birth is such a massive ting people seem to underestimate how important the birth is.

i would agree that its normal to have feelings over having a section, but c sections save lives of both mum and baby and medically if you have a section theres usually a very good reason. we are very fortunate to live in times where c-sections exist; outcomes for section mums would have been very different otherwise.

so i do think healthy mum and baby is what matters, and i dont think people underestimate for a minute how important birth is.

as i ve said before, i think that soceity puts alot of pressure for mums to have the 'perfect' birth and that actually contributes to making people worry if their birth doesnt meet those expectations.

i

 

[kitkatwidget1]

I don`t know if this sounds really weird but..

I had to have a c-section because of pre-eclampsia. I felt that it was more difficult comming around to the idea when they told me I would need a c-section rather than dealing with it afterwards, but I don`t feel like I 'gave birth' to my daughter and I can say that, I think more of when she was born because I feel like I didn`t actually do anything iykwim?

Did or does anyone else see it like this or am I just a bit strange?

i dont think you are strange.

its natural to have feelings over a section.



for me, i carried my baby for 9 months and he came out of me.... i gave birth to him. whether he came out the fasttrack way or the traditional route, my body went through giving birth. its just a different way.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

water birth if you can have it would be good

am assuming your section was planned then; did you find you worried over aspects of the surgery?

weve been talking about TTC a brother or sister for little man and i confess that the epidural worries me! (was too occupied with everything else going on to worry)

What age do the docs think your LO will need a pacemaker? while hes a child or is it something that he'll need when hes an older man?

i love the pic on your signature

It depends on how his heart progresses. He might need one at two or he might not need one until he's 10 or later. It's a wait and see game.

I wasn't nervous about surgery. I was more nervous about Alex's heart. There was talk that he might need to be sent immediately to be paced after birth and I couldn't be with him.

The spinal wasn't bad at all. I think I was more relaxed because it was an elective c-section and I wasn't in labor, if you get what I mean?

Thanks He's a little stinker!

 

[kitkatwidget1]

does his condition affect him day to day or his developent?

i am nervous i'll be a wuss over the needle for spinal.

did you get to stay with him?

lol..talking of stinky my little man has just farted and made the dog get up and move lmao

 

[Ozzieshunni]

does his condition affect him day to day or his developent?

i am nervous i'll be a wuss over the needle for spinal.

did you get to stay with him?

lol..talking of stinky my little man has just farted and made the dog get up and move lmao

He's fine day to day. I didn't. He was taken to the NICU while I was stitched up. I didn't get to see him again until four hours later. I vowed to myself that WON'T HAPPEN next time.

 

[kitkatwidget1]

nxt time you may not need a section or nicu, but if you do am sure you will do just fine, you strike me as a pretty strong lady!

 

[Ozzieshunni]

I can only hope Not as strong as I come off. Took a lot to keep it together.

 

[chuck]

I've gone through guilt, anger, outright rage, sadness, depression, grief and mourning over my EMCS.

its all normal hun, a healthy baby isnt all that matters, pregnancy and birth is such a massive ting people seem to underestimate how important the birth is.

I do have to respectfully disagree. To me, Alex's health was all that mattered as labor could have killed him and we would have never known. Just my thoughts.

Oh absolutely sometimes there are real reasons why CS are needed, but sadly all too often EMCS and CS are carried out because of policy and fear.

I salute the women who have had to undergo CS for real reasons that save lives, birth is risky enough without suffering the terror of knowing your baby is in distress or who might not survive labour.

Huge number of EMCS happen because of failed inductions...and why do they fail because most inductions aren't needed but people are too scared to go over a date they are given on guess work using data that is so old it should have gone out with hanging.

EMCS happen becasue women are scared witless about labour and birth for vanity sake about people seeing their foof or what their foof will be like afterwards or god forbid they poop! Women choose to labour in hospital where they are tense, bored and inhibited...labours go badly they need interventions or want them ... all of which adds up to women needed more EMCS and feeling like they tried so hard they used all of those interventions and still failed. When really its the system failing them.

Even the term 'failure to progress' disgusts me, I've examples in notes of 'poor maternal effort' Seriously WTF?!

In my case neither me nor my baby were in any danger when I was taken to theatre, policy said I had laboured too long and despite baby being fine and dandy off we went. I didn't give birth to DS1 he was taken from me. If I had real support in labour I might very well have managed to move around get from 9.5cm to 10cm and have a normal birth adn not suffer the humiliation and indecency of major surgery to do something as normal as having ababy.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Totally Chuck. I think it's terrible that women are told they need a c-section and just go along with it because they are afraid to ask questions. It's so horrible

 

[lily24]

I was and still am happy with i was rushed for an EMCS as my son wouldnt be here and healthy today if i hadnt had it

 

[chuck]

Dont get me wrong I cannot conceive of how difficult it must be to have a child who isn't healthy or who does not make it no matter what stage of pregnancy it was, it's something i have not gone though. My statements are never intended to make anyone feel bitter/sad/angry about their loss or trauma but to highlight the fact that trauma can take many forms and sadly pregnancy/labour and birth can be very traumatic especially when faced with what seems to be 'progress' and 'safety' really masking a multitude of issues that ultimately cause more trauma to women.

But I cannot stand people who say 'it doesn't matter what happened you have a healthy baby be happy with that, get over it'.

Give them depression PTSD and nightmares and see how they do.

 

[Siuan]

Wow, I'd almost forgotten about this thread. Thank you for all the replies.

I still feel sad that I couldn't have a 'normal' delivery and I do feel like Francesca was born rather than I gave birth to her like someone said above. Even though I went through labour it was all artificial, the only bit my body did on it's own was get to 3cm dilated. The rest was completely artificial.

I still haven't heard anything from the senior midwife about a de-brief, I'll give it until I go to the GP for our first checkup and will mention it then because I still think it'll help get over it all.

I really strongly believe though despite my feelings of inadequacy that if I hadn't have had that c-section neither myself nor Francesca would be here now. She would almost certainly have died if it'd been left any longer for the induction because my placenta and cord were deteriorating when they got her out and I would never have managed to push her out myself since she wasn't moving downwards at all. Even only about 50 years ago we'd have both been dead.

I'm still strongly considering an elective next time...

 

[lauralou25]

Yep I feel like this after my 2nd c section which was planned I do regret as I know I'm not having anymore children and even if I did I'd have to have section and I don't want one it also gets me down when people say oh you was 2 posh to push I'd never have a chance section etc and I'm 6months pp

 

[confused87com]

my little boy had to be born at 29weeks, hence a section. I dont feel so bad anymore but i felt so cheated out of the birth i wanted. I completely understand why he had to come out and eternally grateful, things could have been so different...
anyhow, after ptsd and a lot of heartache i am now expecting baby 2.

Now, i dont know why i feel this, you would think as i wanted a natural birth with baby 1 i wouldnt consider an elective, however i really am.
im so scared its going to go wrong in this pregnancy and now so paranoid, but part of me knows the c section was ok and if planned it would be different...i had michael at 4.30pm and then didnt take me to see him til 10.30pm, only because i argues, my husband and i didnt even get to meet him together . i didnt hold him for 5 days....not because they couldnt get him out, but becasue they were busy. I feel that if i planned a section this time then it takes out all the elements of unknown, i could insist on having skin to skin, bf asap......i just dunno, maybe a recovery after natural birth would be easier with a toddler but then iv seen a lot of v v sore natural birth mums too! i was cycling again after 2 weeks last time..........................................bloomin c sections, i now have a million things to think of before this one!!

 

[BoBo14]

I had emcs and don't dwell on it and how things could have been different. I agree that some sections are given too quickly. I was induced due to pre eclampsia, went through 27 hours of labour. Failed to progress past 5 cm and then decided to follow protocol and do a section. Thank god they did. After birth they realised he was being starved of oxygen and spent 3'days in nicu being stabilised. We spent 12'months after that having MRI scans, Physio appointments and eegs. wasn't what I planned but i thank god my son is alive and well. I hated having a section and want a vbac this time but if I had to choose to keep going so I could experience something for myself or do what's best for my baby I would put myself second in a heart beat. Just my opinion though