having a 'real' preemie...gestation shouldnt matter!!

[AP]

I am not one to want to cause any debate but this literally appeared on my Facebook just now and I find it quite balanced. It agrees with the OP here but also explains the other point of view that some may have. https://aintnorollercoaster.com/a-preemie-is-not-a-preemie/

It's interesting, and actually clarifies something for me. i used to wonder why people compared.

Maybe this is where the comparing stems from perhaps? A lot of us are left with issues due to prematurity, whereas its likely older gestation go home without long term effects. (generalisation I know, I know theres exceptions but this is just for understanding)

I don’t care what gestation your child was born. If you didn’t get what you expected; that hurt. Your hurt is valid. I want to support those layers of hurt; each layer of hurt. I hope you also want to support each of my layers of hurt.

And thats what it boils down to ^.

Also I found that in the early days I had no understanding, no knowledge. Right there at that time, I had a baby on a ventilator and everything in the world was easier than my circumstances. I'd envy the 36 weeker in the opposite nursery, not knowing what the problem was. Then i grew to know the neonatal enviroment and communities and realised everything isnt black and white. I grew up. Maybe once upon a time I did compare. But it was conflicting emotions. Sometimes, I'd see a bigger baby in an incubator and thought "that baby doesnt belong in there", and I'd be so concerned for that baby and its parents.

I'm not discrediting OP at all, I agree, but I think there's 2 reasons for why those comments can be made
A) lack of understanding
B) hurt

I stand by the fact that 1 day or 100 in neonatal, we should all be there for each other.

 

[Foogirl]

Yeah I saw this one, and tbh it made my blood boil a little bit.

I actually read it and wasn't sure which side of the fence she was on' its not a great piece of writing and her point seems to be all over the place.

I did get that overall she feels everyone there deserves support for their own personal hurt but right at the very beginning she implied her journey must have been harder because hers was earlier. Her insistence that saying "preemie is preemie" negates the things she found most challenging because her preemie was very early, got me riled. What this doesn't account for is not only the fact that babies all have their individual journeys, but that parents do to.

I really do believe that later preemie mums can have a more difficult time than earlier ones. I met a mum yesterday who was in bits because her termie was in SCBU and had been back and forth between hospitals and no one seems to be able to work out what is wrong with her LO. Right up until he was born, her pregnancy was fine, she thought she was taking him home then BAM! He's been in hospital two weeks and may be there for another two. Every night she has to go home to a house that was ready for her baby, surrounded by reminders every minute of the day. For her, walking out of the hospital every night is torture. For me it was easy and I never looked back. Abby was in much longer than her LO, does that mean I had it worse? Not a bit of it. For some mothers having them there even just for a week can almost break them. Different people have different strengths and coping strategies. I still stand by the fact that preemie is preemie, the only difference is gestation. If someone wants to feel that negates their own journey, those are issues they need to deal with themselves.

 

[BabsyT]

I think you're right Foogirl.

We were in two different.NICUs one in Ipswich one in Colchester. From around 6 weeks pregnant i had problem after problem and infection after infection. I was in labour 3 times before he was delivered at 34+5. I am aware my lo was a ''late'' preemie but from 30 weeks he was in real trouble. My house wasn't ready for him, everything still packed away. mainly because we didn't want to be reminded that he might not make it

In both NICUs there were mummys and daddys of termies and I have to say i think it WAS harder for them. They had beautiful perfect pregnancies and were still sitting surrounded by tiny preemies. they had to go home to a house filled with baby stuff and a decorated nursery.. we didnt! My lo was HUGE for a preemie (6lbs) but was pretty sick. I felt like i didn't belong because the babies were so small so i felt sorry for the termies mummys and daddys.

I think because of all my problems we had a while to come to terms with the fact we were most probably going to have a preemie (that didnt make the shock any less when we saw him all hooked up).

Theres enough segregation (some man made some natural).. If you've ever walked through the doors of a NICU unit or a SCBU because your precious little bundle is fighting their own individual fight then you deserve support and a big round of applause for having that courage. no matter what gestational age.

(excuse the grammar i'm on my phone!)x

 

[AP]

Foo see I liked it, although yes I agree, I actually didn't know where she stood at first. Hurt my wee brain, and I had to read it over and over.

I think she hit a nerve on me. For example, if someone came to me with a late pre-term baby who stayed in NICU for a handful of days for say, feeding, and reckoned we've been through exactly the same, then I would be hurt, and yep it would feel like that 6 inch stiletto in the gut. The part that was the same was the environment we were in, and that we didn't plan for this to be the start to their life. I'd be supportive, for sure, that's me, but its not the same. No doubt there's someone out there that would have rather taken my journey over theirs. I think that's just natural.

What is important is for people to respect we all have our own journeys, everyone has there own perspective on what was "hard" and what was not, BUT, no-one should have to witness NICU. No-one. And all of us should stick together and get each other through the dark days. Because we're the only ones who can help each other through that.

The OP here (juicyfruity) basically says that though - yep, there is a difference in some ways, but on the whole we all have that big thing in common.

And if I come across as a dick at all in this thread I apologise I probably haven't explained my feelings properly but you know I respect every single one of you in this section, no word of a lie

 

[Foogirl]

No You don't come across that way at all AP, I know what you are getting at. It's not the person who genuinely found the week long stay traumatic who bothers you, it's the drama queen. The one who always wants to try to make you feel they know what you've been through because they saw it for a day, or the one who wants to belittle your pain by comparing what you went through with something which by all accounts was relatively inconsequential. The 36+6 that spent the night in SCBU but was back with mum in the morning, and that is turned in to an arduous journey complete with "corrected age" ticker and a post about their "concern" that their preemie is standing unaided at 4 months and that just can't be right. These sorts of people usually look for drama in everything they do. It's a bit like those women I've spoken of before, who insist their birth was traumatic because they didn't get the tea and toast they ordered.......

Again it comes down to the kind of person and their intentions. You and I know well enough there are things we post about our LOs which if we were different people, we'd have blocked each other from a long time ago. Noone needs boasty mummies or drama queens in their lives!

 

[DonnaBallona]

The 36+6 that spent the night in SCBU but was back with mum in the morning, and that is turned in to an arduous journey complete with "corrected age" ticker and a post about their "concern" that their preemie is standing unaided at 4 months and that just can't be right. These sorts of people usually look for drama in everything they do. It's a bit like those women I've spoken of before, who insist their birth was traumatic because they didn't get the tea and toast they ordered.......

THIS! this is what I agree with!!! I just couldn't word it as nicely.

 

[AP]

Aw Foogirl you just nailed it. Totally. Don't listen to me folks I just want to frame your posts these days I really do

 

[Foogirl]

Hehe hehe heh. Maybe I should become a professional post writer. Offer my services to stop people accidentally calling someone a wanker.

Although, to be fair. I'm not immune to accidentally doing that myself

 

[juicyfruity]

I love hearing all the opinons on here guys! feels good to have it all out in the open. The funny thing is that it IS difficult not to compare. A week ago i was feeling sad and frustrated that LO wasnt latching and feeding would just sleep through half her feeds while the boy in the cot beside us who was born same gestation minus a day was taking all his feeds my breast, weighed more and was going home the next day. I felt like such a failure.

then just this morning getting Maria ready to come home from SCBU one of the mums i've gotten friendly with gave me a large box of quite expensive breast pads and said she didn't need them. She looked so sad. and i know why. Her son was a 27 weeker and try as she did she could not keep up and maintain a supply. I was very grateful and thank you and it made me totally realise another perspective. when i'm by the cotside expressing milk or trying to breastfeed she is reminded that she could not and of course she wanted too.

 

[lozzy21]

I have a different perspective because Niamh was in the room with the 24-27 weekers since it was the only place they had space, i hated being in that room because i felt terrible for the other parents. I could get her out and cuddle her at feed times with out the millions of wires and machines beeping. I was so relieved when she could come to the transition care ward with me.

 

[Saki]

I havent experienced any prejudice or what ever on bnb but in real life...phew...my son was born at 35 weeks altho our pediatrician is adamant he was a 30/32 week gestation baby...either way our birth was traumatic and i didnt get to even touch him until 8 hours after his birth...so now, 4 months on i get very upset when one particular family member makes comments that he isnt 'doing what his cousin did at that age' and when i say buqt he was a preemie i get 'yeah but a month doesnt count!' Arghh!!!

I guess my point is that each of our journies are different and for me, the support and shared advice/experiences are vital and i am thankful i found this website, being so far away from home

 

[Stelly]

its interesting all the perspectives people have here! I have to agree with foogirl's summary- very well put.

Although I will say, I am a pretty social person- and I reached out to a lot of other preemie parents while I was in the NICU, and I became friends with a wide range of folks who had babies at 23 weeks to full term babies with issues... I felt no air of competition between us. Maybe it was just the environment at our hospital but it was great support, we had lunches together in the cafeteria, exchanged BF tips and challenges, shared our babies triumphs and struggles.. it was really wonderful. I think its just a matter of just that- rejoice in victories and be a shoulder during the struggles..

Being in the hospital sucks- let alone having to deal with "well you havent had it as bad as us" from people. I'm sorry for those who have experienced that!

 

[Stelly]

The most prejudice I've received is from parents of healthy term children. I made the comment to a friend who had a full term healthy little one that I was surprised by the amount of Dr's appointments we have had since being discharged (pediatrician twice a week, occcupational therapy, physical therapy, going to the lab for reg blood draws etc) and she looked at me and said "dont be ridiculous, everyones baby has lots of appointments in the beginning"..... wha?