He cheated, Baby 6 months old, I’m SAHM his money is “his” not “ours” HELP?!

[HSDR2017]

Ok I don’t want to go into much detail because I’m exhausted.

I am engaged. My bf or fiancé has been pretty distant when it comes to caring for our baby. He drinks a lot and I SWEAR he drinks just so he won’t be responsible for taking care of her. He is a tree climber and works Long hard hours. We have lived together for approx. 5 Years and we have been together since 4/22/11! Our son was stillborn in 2016. Our baby girl was born in Oct 17. The first 3 months he was always doing whatever he felt like doing, whenever he felt like it as I was EBF and he was “working” or who knows.

I go to sleep late, always and I expect him to feed her after I change her diaper and everything else she needs before I go to sleep (he goes to be anywhere between 8pm and 10:30pm usually) and I usually don’t or can’t sleep until 3:30am-5am or so. (insomnia) the first 3 months while I EBF I wasn’t Ben here most nights because he was drunk and I needed help with our baby. My parents helped so much it was ridiculous because he wouldn’t help. I slept at my parents with our baby for atleast 4 weeks out of the 3 months I EBF her.

I also expect him to feed her when she almost ALWAYS wakes up at 6:30am (he works 5 mins away and he has to be there at 7.) I ask him to change her diaper and feed her.) He rarely IF he does help take care of her. He will say “she’s tired” and let her cry in her crib which I obviously don’t allow but I do it all day long and he has the nerve to make statements such as:

“You’re awake, you feed her” (hey bud! You slept 6 hours already and I slept zero. I am changing her diaper for you, getting her bottles ready, heating them up for you AND bringing the bottle and our clean happy baby for you to feed and then lay down and she goes right back to sleep during the late night and 1st 6:30am feeding!)

Or

“I fed her last night and this morning” - Hey jagoff!! I fed her and feed her ALL DAY if you want to keep score, you will have one hide in shame.

Or on the weekend when he is off work for example, he does whatever he feels like 90% of the time and if I tell him she is OUR baby and he will take care of her so I can get shit done around the house (oh and he bitches that I get nothing done all day yet when he gets home I try to have him watch her for the SOLE PURPOSE of catching up on wash, dishes, tidying up, etc., and he either complains, bitches, gets drunk intentionally to avoid me trusting him to care for her OR he says some stupid shit like “I’m not feeding her I already did today or last night or whatever”.

Is this normal behavior? I caught him when he cheated on 1/5/18 with some random whore from the trashiest bar in our small town and he denied and denied until he realized I knew he wasn’t “in the garage” and I had proof via his own GPS on his phone - thanks google maps! He had sex with a random girl and stayed out til 5:30am and had the nerve to beg me for sex the next day. He didn’t confess. I caught him. He had no choice. He also hasn’t begged for my forgiveness or anything even close. If I bring up how much it hurts me to think about what he did or how he could do that to me, he gets pissy/angry and says “that’s all you do is bring that up” that is rarely the case!! He should be apologizing when I say something about it like I had a nightmare but he literally gets mad and annoyed as if I’m being over emotional!!!

I feel like he is either cheating still and that’s why he seems to want little to do with her sometimes and doesn’t care how much stress he is putting me through, or he just doesn’t care about me, just doesn’t care about her or if he is just stressed our and tired like he says he is. :/


OH and I have to ask for money so that I can go shopping or do basically anything. He makes 30 and hour UNDER table in cash.. 40 hrs a week min but usually closer to 50-65 (7am until 5:30, 6:30 or 7:30 every night!!) He does buy me cigarettes and buys us food at fast food places or buys drinks if we go out for dinner alone or whatever and if I NEED something he usually doesn’t hesitate but I don’t get any credit or appreciation for how hard I am working!! He believes his money is his money!! And yet he would be paying a minimum of $15/hr I someone came to our home and watched our daughter for anywhere from 8 hours to 14 hours a day!!! I feel like “his paychecks” should be MY paychecks too!!! He has gotten better at giving me money cause I gave him hell and basically explained if he wouldn’t be helping and giving me money and seeing it as OUR money and keeping me UTD on amounts even though he has his own checking without my name on it, that he could pay a minimum of $850 a month in child support. He shut the hell up REAL QUICK!

Is anyone else going through this? Anything similar? Was anyone cheated on? Did anyone else’s SO do any of this?!?

 

[bdb84]

Since his job is under the table, it will be very hard to prove his actual income should worse come to worse and you have to file for child support. It may be in your best interest to start documenting proof of his deposits. Do you have access to his bank account online? I would be printing off a few months' worth of routine deposits showing how much he is supplying to his account and how often. That way, if you do have to file for c/s, he will really have to scramble to find a way to justify his deposits of X amount every week (or biweekly, etc).

Truthfully, he sounds like a manipulative, controlling man from the past two threads of yours that I have read. He doesn't treat you like his equal and that is concerning to me. Please at least start getting your ducks in a row should you decide it's best for your daughter and you to leave.

 

[minties]

None if that is normal. He sounds like a total fucktard, to be honest. If report him to your inland revenue department for started, then get the hell out of there.

 

[WackyMumof2]

What part of 'it takes 2 to make a baby' does he not understand? Ugh, sounds like a real winner there.

No, his money is NOT 'his money' any more. He has a child to support and you are right. It is just as much yours as it is his. Honestly, what happens at the end of the tax year if he doesn't file? Don't put yourself if that position. His stupidity will become your problem too. If he is deliberately getting drunk to avoid responsibility or thinks that a feed here and a nappy change there is acceptable parenting, then do you and daughter a favour and kick the dead weight out the door. You don't need that, your daughter doesn't need that and you sure as Hell don't need to be doing the work of 2 parents. I honestly don't think he cares and is waiting for you to kick him out. I see him being an absent father as well to be truthfully honest. You deserve so much better!

 

[sherril2291]

You asked if anyone had experienced what you described. I have. I am so sorry you are going through this, especially with a new baby. It's such a stressful time for you, much less having to deal with this as well.
I was married when my husband had an affair. To be honest, we were separated because he had pretty much checked out of the marriage and wouldn't work on it. Still, I was committed to trying to make the marriage work and the affair hurt a lot. Afterwards he was very sorry but to be honest, he simply wasn't as committed to making the relationship work as I was. We were together 16 years.
He and I are currently going to court over custody and child support. It's a messy business, so if there is a way to document what he has been putting into the bank, I would consider doing so.
I hate to see parents separate, especially for the children's sake; however, if he is not willing to work to make the relationship work, you can't make him or do it alone. Love and mutual respect within a relationship is very important. If he won't seek help, perhaps you could look into getting a counselor short term, or speak with a clergy to try and make some plans and gain some support. I believe in you!

 

[Bevziibubble]

That is not normal or not fair at all. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and you deserve so much better. I hope that you can get out if he refuses to change his ways

 

[noon_child]

He sounds like someone who really hasn't got a handle on how to cope with his life. He drinks, and has sex with random women, to deal with his stress and avoid the reality of the choices he has made in life. He blames you for his choices too as if he can't accept responsibility. If he was alone with no children this would only impact on him but it's not OK to risk your safety (did he use condoms - if not you need swabs and blood tests for STI's) or the safety of a child. Was he controlling with money and drinking before you had kids?

 

[calliebaby]

First off, that's completely illegal for him to make that much money and not pay taxes.
Second, i would consider finding a way to track his payments, so that if you do split, you haven proof of income and he is forced to pay child support.

 

[amotherslove]

this is not normal and you should leave this man. financial abuse is a thing and this is it.