Help feel so guilty that I cannot bf my baby

[Hannah11]

So I will start at the beginning and explain my situation although the bottom line is that I am struggling and it is really getting me down and I am worried it is stopping me being able to bond with my son.

When he was first born (he is a week old today) I was unable to get him to latch on at all in the hospital. They said that it was because I had flat nipples although I have been told since that this is not the case. Anyway, I had to hand express my colostrum for him and feed it to him in a syringe. On the second morning they were worried about dehydration and told me he needed some formula to help him out, which I rightly or wrongly gave him. After two days I was aloud home but he had still not latched on. I left hospital with the plan to express and bottle feed and top up with formula until I had enough milk to feed him just breast milk. In the mean time make an appointment with the breastfeeding councillor to see if they could help.

The midwife who visited me the day after I came home managed to get him latched on by using nipple shields and told me to keep trying and expressing until my milk came in. I did this however I think that because I was expressing so much it affected the amount of milk I had when I tried to put baby to breast and it was still really unsuccessful. Over the last couple of days I have had a bit better success with him, he has been on my boob for a few feeds although sometimes it is very painful. I think the pain is coming from him not latching on correctly as he does not know how to breastfeed properly as he is used to the bottle. So I am still mainly expressing and topping up with formula as I am still not able to produce enough milk to keep him satisfied by expressing alone.

Today a saw the breast feeding councillor who has told me that there is nothing wrong with my nipples and that I should be able to feed him with out the shields but i will have to teach him to latch on all over again as he only know how to bottle feed. She gave me a different position to feed in and said to take the shield off after he has been feeding for a while and see if he will latch on which we were unable to do when she was there. So I came away feeling positive that I could crack this and things were going to be sorted. However, when I came to feed again this afternoon he fed for an hour and a half and was only sucking intimitantly. He did seam content on there and he eventually fell asleep only to wake up crying 40 mins later. I tried to put him back on but he refused. We ended up giving in and topping him up with formula. He took about 40 ml so he clearly did not get enough from feeding off me!!!!

So this is where I am. I feel such a failure not being able to feed my boy properly especially as people keep telling me there is no reason I should not be abe to!

It is taking over my enjoyment of being a mum and I am at the point where I dread him waking up because I know I am going to have to feed him somehow. I really want to be able to breastfeed as the connection I have felt the few times I have managed is just amazing however I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. Expressing morning noon and night to keep my reserves up is exhausting and every time I give him a bottle of Formula I feel I have failed!!!

Sorry to rant on but I just needed to get my feelings out as all of my friends have managed to breast feed there children so I don't feel like I can talk to them about it.

Has anyone had a similar experience or feelings. If so what was the outcome?

Thank u

 

[Rat.2010]

My son is a month as of yesterday and I was forced to pump if I wanted to breastfeed. As tiring as it is to pump just keep up what your doing. Have him latch as best to his ability with the shield or not even if you have to give him a little bit of formula after he's done feeding off you, your supply will come and you'll probably have to much for him and then you can bottle some. After your done feeding him so he's content pump for 15 minutes or until no more milk comes out. Plus any milk you get out you can mix it with the formula so it's not fully formula!!! You'll have to wean him from the formula so he don't get a belly ache or constipated!!

 

[New Mrs W]

So sorry this is hard for you. I urge you to talk to your friends. I failed wt feeding my first and was too ashamed to talk to anyone about it. Then when things looked like they were going the same way with Mickey I started to close up again. The difference this time was a friend I had made when Frankie was about four months old. She had bf her first and I had told her how I had felt when I stopped feeding Frankie and she knew how much I wanted to feed Mickey. She wasn't pushy, she always reminded me that there was a perfectly safe alternative to bf if I wanted it, but she opened up about her experiences and how hard she had found it to begin with. I had thought she'd done it easily but apparently not. I then opened up to my mum who told me her story and soon pretty much everyone I'd known who had bf was telling me about their struggles (apart from one bitch auntie who told me how easy she'd found it and how she had enough milk to feed a city -cheers!) I realised that most people have difficulty feeding their baby but in most of the cases I heard about, the thing that maee the difference was determination to keep going.

Now your case sounds a bit different as you have a physical problem with your baby not latching on. But you have a bf counsellor in your corner so hopefully you'll be able to sort it. If you feel that it's too much then fhere is a safe alternative and it won't mean you've failed. But if you really want to do this then really go for it. Talk to your friends, get some emotional support and set yourself little targets.
Good luck xx

 

[Lauki]

I just wanted to tell you that his behaviour is completely normal. Being on the breast for 1.5 hours and then sleeping and waking up hungry after 40 minutes is perfectly fine. Especially if he hasn't been on the breast much, he will want to do a lot of nursing to bring up your supply. This does not mean at all that he doesn't get enough from you, please stop thinking that!

I am having latching problems with my little boy too, I think it is important to just stay calm and believe in yourself and be okay with it not going perfectly. You both need to learn! Have you tried feeding him while laying down? I find I am the most relaxed that way, a mood he will pick up on and be more relaxed himself.

Please don't doubt yourself so much! Read up on normal infant feeding behaviour (duration and frequency) and keep calm!

 

[mumnbean]

My experience with bfing my DD was really difficult. I remember thinking it was so unfair that it was meant to be such a natural thing but it was such hard work figuring it all out. My DD wouldnt latch without nipple shields until she was nearly 4 months and at the hospital she would only suckle my finger, so hubby was using a syringe next to my finger to feed her :S

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and you just need to be patient with it all. Baby needs to suckle to produce milk, so just accept being attached to a sofa for what feels like days on end!!! If you are feeling down, try to get some support from friends and/or family and accept offers of help when you can to catch up on sleep and feeling like yourself again.

My dd ended up bfing until she was 9.5 months. My ds latched on without drama and is still feeding at 18months.

 

[NoodleSnack]

Sounds like you had some bad advice in the hospital. Your baby's still very young, so you can still establish bf, but the first one or two months can be very hard, feeding constantly and being fussy are normal behavior, not signs that you aren't satistfying him. If it feels very painful after he has latched on, you should get that checked. If you really want to continue bf, persevere, but only you can decide that for yourself. However, I can tell you that before it got easier, there's many times when I thought of stopping, but having a short term goal really helped me stay the course. Just be at peace and enjoy your new baby either way.

 

[CupcakeBaby]

I wanted to echo what the other ladies said.

If he ate for 90 minutes and fell asleep then I'd call that a huge success.

Waking 40 minutes later for more food is just typical newborn.

Also it does hurt. No doubt about it.

But the pain gets less.

You can do it. X

 

[TheNewMrs]

Oh honey!
I read this last night but my 16 month old pounced on me so I didn't have a chance to reply.

Let me say a few things.
-You have NOT FAILED! You've just had a rocky start. Lots of us do, heck I failed entirely and relactated and now feeding a 16 month old while pregnant, so it is not the end!

-Expressing is no reflection of your production. Babies are much more efficient than pumps. I know Mums who can only ever express an oz or two and have HUGE babies! There's no way they are only making that much but our breasts were designed to respond to our babies, not a machine. Usually there is still quite a bit of milk still in there when we're done pumping.

-Just because your baby drinks a bottle doesn't mean he was hungry. A newborns instinct is to suck. Lots of newborns love to comfort suck but they cannot do that with a bottle because the milk just keeps coming. They can't help sucking because its all they know and when the milk comes they swallow or choke. Then the overfed baby will sleep soundly for a time the same way you feel like you need to lay down when you've ate too much. Its not a good feeling, its a bursting, bloated, overfull feeling. So please don't confuse being overfull with contentment.

-Take your baby to bed for a full day. Just a nappy on and Mama topless. Let the baby access the breast as much as possible. Even if it means latching on ALL day. You sleep when baby sleeps and just stay close. This will encourage baby to breastfeed, help him get comfortable with the scent of your skin and learn to associate that scent with sucking again (rather than the feel of the bottle)

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! You are trying! A lot more than others do at the first sign of trouble!

 

[Rachel_C]

I definitely second the idea of going to bed with baby and staying there for a few days! I would completely dump the bottles too - cup or syringe feed him if you are worried about dehydration, or perhaps look into an SNS system. At such a young age, I think if you start on the bottle for even one feed a day or just top ups, it is a slippery slope into 100% bottle feeding. Expressing full time is SO much work that I would avoid it unless it was absolutely the only option other than formula.