Help needed

[Ash_251]

Hi everyone, I'm in a bit of a situation and could really do with some help as I'm not sure what I can do anymore. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 7 months and love eachother very much but the past week has been very tough on both of us. I am 24 and she is 21. Last week she started feeling sick and had a few stomach pains and got over heated once when she was
moving stuff around. Initially she thought it was a stomach bug as her symptoms seemed to point to that but her mother thought she should do a pregnancy test just to be cautious as her mother thought she might be. She is currently on desogestrel (cerazette) and has been since november 2010. It has stopped her periods completely since taking it the same as microgynon did earlier last year so I'm thinking it must be working if it's doing that? Anyway, the last time we had sex was roughly 13 days ago now but we have had sex last november and december aswell while she's been on this pill. She did the clear blue digital test last friday and it shown a negative result. The doctor said it's either a stomach bug or it might well be the desogestrel causing the problems/symptoms. The problem lies in the fact that I am not ready to be a father at the moment, I am unemployed, I have depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. The main problem is that my girlfriend told me that she's always felt her place in life is to be a mother and that she's been having these motherly instincts for a few months now but this pregnancy scare has seemed to have set her down a depressive path. A few nights ago we sat down and put the pros and cons of having a baby now instead of waiting until we're both in the same place. I was putting things like 'stability' 'financial stability' 'living together first' 'our mental health' (she is on citalopram for depression) and everything I wrote she would write next to them reasons that deem my points void in her eyes. For instance, I put 'life experiences' and next to that she put 'this would be a life experience'. Gradually over the past week after that pregnancy test, she has gotten worse and she's saying to me that she doesn't know what to do anymore and can't shake these feelings and she knows that it's hurting me. I feel like I can't do anything to help her in any way and in a way some of her thinking seems irrational which makes me think that these are not just motherly instincts kicking in but some deep-seated thing in her mind or possibly something from her childhood, I do not know anymore. I don't want to end it with her and she doesn't want to end it with me. Sometimes it feels like all she wants to do is be a mother and nothing else matters. I know it's hard for her but I'm just trying to look at this as sensibly and logically as I can, and the way I feel is that right now is not the right time for us to be bringing a child into this world. I thought that maybe a counsellor might be able to help or going to speak to someone professional but I know she would not go or would not talk to them about this. I love her but I feel useless that I can't help her. I thought that maybe someone on here might be able to offer some advice on what I/we can do or offer some sort of guidance because I'm not sure what to do anymore. She's getting worse by the day and these feelings are hurting her more and more and she's told me she doesn't know what to do about them.

Any help will be greatly appreciated, thankyou in advance.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[geogem]

I know this probably wont help but unfotunatly when a woman gets babies in her mind it is very difficult if possible at all,to stop them. i think councelling might help as, as you said you both don't sound mentally stable enough to bring a child into this world. But in all honesty I think giving her a timescale on when you do want to have babies may help. I have noticed on this site that the problem many women have is that their partners never commit to when, its the not knowing that sends them crazy as they just want it now. sorry if this doesnt help but maybe if you suggest a date to maybe not try/not prevent and see where nature takes you.

 

[hannab]

i agree setting a target date might help her feel a bit more positive that it will happen one day. unfortunaly though noone knows how long it will take for you to feel ready. maybe a to do list might help as a way to count down and get ready at the same time.its a difficult situation though, i hope you both feel happier soon

 

[odd_socks]

I know this probably wont help but unfotunatly when a woman gets babies in her mind it is very difficult if possible at all,to stop them. i think councelling might help as, as you said you both don't sound mentally stable enough to bring a child into this world. But in all honesty I think giving her a timescale on when you do want to have babies may help. I have noticed on this site that the problem many women have is that their partners never commit to when, its the not knowing that sends them crazy as they just want it now. sorry if this doesnt help but maybe if you suggest a date to maybe not try/not prevent and see where nature takes you.

i totally agree with this, not knowing when ur going to get a TTC date is soooooo hard

 

[Olivette]

Hi there ash,

I didn't want to read and run so thought I'd try and get my thoughts down for you. I agree completely with what the girls above have said (they advice here is always absolutely great).

I've tried to fit this into my situation, to see if i can give you any advice. If it was my OH wanting to know what he could do for me and was feeling helpless, I would probably tell him that I'd benefit from having a set 'trying' date. My OH has yet not set a firm date, and for me that is primarily what is sending me a little mad, and I'm guessing may be a contributing factor to your girlfriend being upset. For me, If i knew exactly when we may be able to start to try, that would ease so much tension for me.

Trying to come up with some kind of plan may also help, for instance knowing possibly how much you may need for a new born baby (for me I'm aiming to save £600). For me personally having a figure in mind has given me something to 100% put all of my effort into, saving at the moment is my main priority, it's what gets me up in the morning and to work, knowing I'm saving for my future baby. Setting some mutual goals that you may be able to work towards together before you try, may also help. Its something to focus on.

I've had to really try to understand my OHs reservations and have really had to work at not dismissing his worries. I know it has caused him some hurt, that I just dismissed his feelings towards the baby thing. I just wasn't willing to see things from his point of view, or compramise at all, and that really caused some problems for a while. I'm not suggesting that she put all of her feelings aside.. ahh it's hard to put it into words what I mean!

As already said though, from a womans point of view, once those feelings set in, it really is hard to shift them. I really hope some of the others can offer some more good advise.

 

[Ash_251]

Hi again, thanks for all of your replies, they are very much appreciated. My girlfriend has come off Cerazette on friday and is now having cramps, nausea, sore breasts and seems to be very moody at times. She went to the Doctor today and he said that he wasn't going to do another pregnancy test as he feels there's no point and that this is more than likely caused by Cerazette. These symptoms have had me very worried as they point to pregnancy but we haven't had sex for just over two weeks now, so I don't know.

We have tried to discuss this problem and it always ends up with us being quiet or upset and it's getting me down. She has told me that she is always feeling like it's her having to do the compromising with the waiting etc. I know it's hard for her but I feel that waiting to have a baby for all the reasons mentioned previously is a far better option than having a baby now in our situation, but it's like she just can't see any of the bad points to having a baby right now. I'm not over exaggerating either, I don't like to say it but I feel she is being very irrational about this. This kind of leads me to think that this isn't just the natural maternal instincts anymore. In the peak of our discussions, it's been brought up as to what she would do if we broke up because of this and she mentioned things like she knows friends who want children and sometimes, I'll be honest, I've sat back and been shocked at how irrational she can be about this. She's also mentioned being being a single mum and other things and I don't know what to do anymore. I love her but I feel like this is really pushing me away and I don't want it to.

She's told me that she's always been a motherly figure and someone that people go to with problems etc and she's always tried to make other people happy and she said to me that she wants want she wants now. I'm a little worried for her if I'm honest, I understand that women do have these strong feelings about raising children but I am getting the feeling these arn't the normal feelings anymore.

In my eyes, I'm fairly old fashioned in a way, ideally I would like to be married or at least living together in our own place, both of us or just me to have a stable income, both be ready for children, have at least some savings for emergencies or whatever before even thinking of trying for a baby, that's just the way I am I guess. I know for a fact I am not ready at the moment, I've had a mental breakdown before and this scare has nearly put me back in that place and that's not somewhere I want to be again, I was even suicidal for a brief time last week and I had to ring the Samaritans because I didn't know what to do anymore.

All I want is for us two to get on track with life, sort ourselves out mentally, enjoy our time together, go on holidays, cuddling, talking, do courses, get some good money coming in to enjoy ourselves, lots of things but from what I've heard from her, all she wants is to be a mother.

I'm not even sure this is the right website to be posting a problem like this really but to be honest, I'll take any advice I can get right now. Thanks again for the responses and any further advice or anything will be greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

[babyfromgod]

Hi sorry don't have any advice but you sound like a really mature guy with his head screwed on. You are right about needing to be in the right situation before you have a baby, i just hope she will understand your reasons for waiting

 

[geogem]

I think your right, this is not a good place to be fetching a child into at the minute. Maybe ask her to list what problems you and her have at the moment - i.e. financial, mental and situational(where you are living etc) and then try and make her see which of these problems would be solved by having a child right now - i seem to think there wontbe many. Maybe this will make her see sense that this is not a good time and that you should wait a little while, maybe promise her that you will give her 6 months to see how you get on a make a decision from there, give goals like saving up or finding somewhere to live and agree with her that when these goals are complete you will start trying, this will give her something else to focus on, whatever the goal might be that she must do to get what she wants and may ease the pressure between you., this i am afraid is about all the advice I can give you at the mo but hope something helps.

 

[Star7890]

You could ask her to come on bnb maybe? If she waits it out in waiting to try with us then maybe she will be able to cope? Before I had this I didn't know what to do and all the help and support from the other ladies on here has really helped me along x

 

[odd_socks]

^^ would say the same, maybe if she realises shes not the only woman feeling this way might help her come to terms with waiting?

 

[MissKM]

hello, i have to say the way your girlfriend is behaving sounds exactly like the way i was behaving only about a week ago. however the only reason me and my fiance are waiting is because he wants to wait till we have finished uni and are a little more financially stable and 'when he is ready'.

i got completely irrational last week to the point where i was begging my fiance for a baby...which would ultimately end in the worlds biggest argument. ive found that the hardest thing is not quite knowing when we are going to start trying...ive been told 'when he is ready' which really doesnt resolve any of my issues for wanting to be a mother sometime really soon.

i found that being on here and 'venting' to other people who have similar problems and getting advice from them really helped me to calm down and stop moaning at him about it...therefore no arguments!!

maybe its worth suggesting she come on here n have a chat she might feel just a little better for having a rant about it to someone who it will not end up in an argument with therefore taking some stress off of you. she can always pm me if she wants...im more than happy to try and help her sort out her feelings...being as they are so similar to what i was going through.

having said that i have to say that i think you definitely do have your head screwed on, and all the points you put across are ones my finace says to me...i just dont want to listen and im guessing thats somewhat how shes feels. its very hard for women to put the emotions they feel towards having a baby aside...cause many of us have a real problem ignoring that maternal instinct. alot of talking and some compromise may have to be done...the list of 'to dos' is brilliant, its gives you a goal to work towards which would set you in a good position to bring a baby into the world.

i just quickly want to note that ive just came off cerazette and have had all and more of the symptoms of pregnancy that you have just pointed out...ive done 4 tests all of which are negative so im off to the doctors tomorrow. just to say that it could be more than likely that coming off cerazette is making her feel like this.

ive just realised how long this is...sorry about that!!
hope this helps a little, dont hesitate to ask if you need any more advice. xx

 

[i want it all]

I would defo suggest, maybe this year - could you look to move in together? Then when you're living together maybe to find a job, save some money, get healthy, so maybe in a years time re-assess? When you're both in a happy place, and have a little money in the bank, you might find that you're ready - or you might find that she changes her mind and decides she want a holiday. You can't have a baby if both of you don't want it. And I think for her to expect you to just do what she wants is wrong. She probably thinks waiting is you getting your own way, but if you're not ready you can't be pressured into it! If she is on the pill and you don't want babies - remember to use some other protection!

 

[Ash_251]

Thanks again for all the responses, they're very much appreciated. Just an update on the situation, she stopped taking Cerazette on Friday and has had the frequent urination (apologies if TMI), cramps, pretty much the signs of pregnancy but she hasn't had a period in the whole 10 weeks or so of being on Cerazette and the Doctor said that it's more than likely that it's her body adjusting back after stopping it. Today she has been in a far better mood, actually seems to be more like her happy, bouncy self which I am glad to see again. She's said she feels like she's 'coming on' but ten times worse so I'm assuming it's coming off this pill that's doing this and nothing else. We've got some open university prospectus', talked about moving in together maybe this year or next year, talked about getting ourselves back on track and getting ourselves out and about. I'm just glad she's feeling better now and I'm sure it was this Cerazette that was maybe causing her depression to worsen, the Doctor did say that Cerazette may have been lessening the effect of her citalopram so maybe that cause the depression to worsen. Anyway, thankyou very much for all the help and responses I received, they were all very much appreciated

 

[Ash_251]

Would it be possible to have this thread deleted by a Moderator please?