help please ladies :(

[Monkeybug]

I am 16 weeks pregnant, and delighted to be, am engaged, although it has been a whirlwind relationship, we have only been together 7 moths we have been very in love.

OK things between me and OH have been a bit strange lately but I had not wanted to tell anyone wanted to believe it was me being silly, stress of pregnancy etc and things would get better, but I was very wrong, things came to an almighty head Saturday night.

I went to his as normal Friday after work I I live about 50 miles away from him, he owns his house that he rents out a room to his housemate I will call him Gavin, they have been friends for years, he is not a very nice man, in and out of work all the time barely pays rent, smashed up OH's truck a while ago and made no attempt to pa him back assuming OH would claim insurance, hates me with a passion as I believe he is worried about when we move in together he will have to get out. Also OH nearly always buys all the food and cooks for this guy, all Gavins money goes on is getting drunk and cocaine, nice even though he has a little girl who he has at OH house every other Saturday. OH and I have had several conversations about this man, and although he agrees with me that this guy is a user he seems to feel loyalty towards him, and has been stalling making arrangements to ask Gavin to leave).

Ok back to the story so last Friday night I went to OH and he had been very offish with me for day or two before, ie not texting anywhere near as much, distant on phone etc, I kept asking him what was wrong Friday night he assured me nothing was wrong he was just tired and said he loved me etc never been happier in his life so I let it drop, Saturday he worked as normal in his shop and I went in to see him like I always do, take in his lunch, my friend Rose came in with me, he was very off when he gave me a kiss, and she even noticed, so that night when he came home I had bought everything to make him spaghetti bolagnaise for tea, and he said he wasn't very hungry and just wanted something quick and easy and for us to go up to his room as Gavin would be home soon so for some privacy. So i put on some soup, we had that, again he was very distant and offish with me, again I kept asking him what was wrong, had I done something etc.
He kept saying he was just not feeling himself, very tired etc, so I thought ok, just give him lots of affection and be understanding, then he started drinking wine, we were still downstairs, he drunk bottle quickly then his housemate came home, Gavin who is a horrible guy and completely hates me for some reason, with loads of beers, so they started drinking loads, OH acted like I was not even in the room, they kept going outside to smoke etc (somthing he said he would quit after last scan even though I did not ask him to), or go sit in his van with music blaring all the time I'm sat in the kitchen alone feeling completely ignored and confused at what I had done wrong, then few people more came over all drinking and all seeming to be offish with me, as you can imagine I am getting more and more angry, upset and embarrassed by OH behavior, if I spoke he even completely ignored me, have never felt more disrespected by a man in my life. Just to add he is normally a very loving affectionate guy, he has little mood swings and is sensitive but nothing like this.

I managed to catch him outside alone, and he asked if I was ok, I said 'not really I feel like the invisible woman' , I pointed out how he had behaved all night and he got annoyed at me and started rambling on in cryptic like he often does not just coming out with the point talking about once the respect is gone from a relationship nothing is left etc, and I thought what the hell I have I dont to disrespect him??????? He goes sulking off over to next door and I am left alone in his house with this 17 year old girl, also getting drunk (and I might add sleeping with Gavin who is 33) I think this is disgusting myself, and OH even said to Gary himself I hope you two are not sleeping together, shes too young etc, to which Gavin said they were not, but when I was talking to this girl alone and with Gavin in room they were saying the kinds of things people who have been intimate say!
So, then OH and the next door neighbour come in who have been obviously talking about me, they come in with some take away, and all start eating it, no one offers me any, by this point am fuming, I pointedly say to OH 'nice takeaway is it?' and he turns around and says 'better that fucking soup', bearing in mind I had wanted to make him spg bol, why does he want to make me look so bad in front of everyone? Am at a point where I am about to blow, they all then go outside to smoke and start having a group hug like a load of teenagers saying how much they love each other etc, at this point I'v had enough I shoot OH a look and head upstairs to grab my bags and get the hell out of there, as I'm coming downstairs he is coming up and says 'shall we go to bed now baby' Im jumping with anger by this point and say 'you can I'm going home' I go into the kitchen he follows me, all the dick heads are outside looking through door at us, he says to me if you go out that door don't bother coming back to which I say 'don't worry I wont' I leave and they all just look at me with smirks on their faces, how evil can you get? a pregnant woman clearly upset?? I get in car to go and OH jumps in passenger seat, and says 'maybe with your next boyfriend you can show him a bit of respect' and I say 'what are you going on about' and do you know what crap he comes out with? he goes onto tell me the reason he has been quiet for days and getting so angry is because of a picture on fucking facebook of me I have as my profile picture sometimes, where it is a photoshoot, I am lying on bed in underwear but you cannot see anything other that my legs and high heels, it is very tasteful and you can't even see cleavage, it is more my face and arms in front of me, I love that photo and happen to think I look good in it. According to him I look like a slut and everyone has been taking the piss out of him saying 'isnt that your pregnant fiancee, how could she do that etc' I feel like there have been so many people against us for some reason and he listens to all the wrong people.
Since then we have spoke few times first time just a horrible argument second time a lot calmer but he now says that he doesn't think I am right for him because our views of what is acceptable in a relationship are so far apart, he loves me but feels I don't show him the respect he deserves, its like he is just cutting me out of his life and has no concern for how all this is affecting me or the baby, am absolutely devastated and this is the complete opposite to how he is when it is just me and him, have suggested meeting up to talk about all this but that hasn't happened, I just don't know which way to turn or what to do? I have been staying with my cousin Kelly for a few days. I don't understand why he is making such a big deal out of something so stupid. It isnt the first time something like this has happened though, just before we got engaged I was at his and I thought Gavin was out, I came out of shower in towel to make a coffee and Gavin came down, he told OH I was practically prancing around in it, OH nearly broke up with me over that, disrespect stuff etc. Another time was valentines day, where I work was flooded it was a Friday and it took me 3 hours to get to his due to diversions, when I got there he was in weird mood although had put lovely roses and pic of our baby scan on bed, he cooked for me and bloody Gavin was there so he did him dinner too (I know) I was very tired and feeling sick and very hungry so went to get my onesie on and came back downstairs, they saw me, then popped back up to tie my hair up and I could hear Gavin saying 'why is she wearing that when you have gone to all this trouble to cook' do you know what I was really hurt by this but didnt get angry just went back downstairs and said, im pregnant, tired and feeling ill give me a break kind of thing, what I should have said is 'maybe Gavin if you were not here on fucking valentines day I would be making more of an effort' anyway I ended up crying, very embarrassing as in front of Gavin, he showed no pity, but OH immediately apologized and gave me a cuddle on this occasion. Am just looking back over all the stupid little things and problems we have had have all involved Gavin, how can OH be so blind? can he not see what his 'friend' is doing, he is working on and off and struggles to pay OH rent, he is onto a good thing and knows that if we end up moving in together he would have to go as he could no way afford to run that house, it is a 3 bedroom house in countryside, and OH could easy rent it out at 800 a month. Its like he is trying to sabotage us, i have had this conversation with OH several times and he has agreed. How can he do this to me at my most vulnerable time in my life? Also some weird things on facebook lately, I blocked Gavin as of all the things that have been going on, but recently he made reference to a status I had, I have very strict privacy now so that was odd, then about a week ago some random guy added me, his profile pic included Gavin, this guy had also 'followed me' on there, of course I blocked him, I don't think am being paranoid when I say this prick has been keeping tabs on me and making me out to be the bad guy all the time.

Also OH has said he thinks I am emotionally abusive??? This has hit me hard as I think this is so far from who I am, no one has ever said anything like this to me before, what do you think am so confused and hurt by all this not to mention hormonal? am worried about the effect all this stress could have on the baby, and that in turn makes me very angry at him, I have had two miscarriage's and lost my dad all in the last 4 years, with a different partner I may add, so he knows what I have been though, am sleeping and eating fine but worry how my emotions may harm pregnancy, have midwife appointment soon so will go over all my worries with her, feel broken! Sorry to ramble on just don't know what to do for the best.

 

[mrsc81]

Firstly wow, that was an essay

It sounds like your OH is immature and maybe isn't as committed to the relationship as you are, I would just keep some distance for a little while, make him realise what he has and also stop yourself getting so upset/stressed/angry about it.
Don't take this the wrong way but 7 months is a very short time to get to know someone, maybe he is one way with you but totally different when he is around 'gavin', if he really thought so badly of him, he would of asked him to leave by now. Your OH sounds quite rude, manipulative and controlling.
You need to think about yourself and your baby right now, if your OH is or isn't the man you are going to be with, your baby comes first, so just take some time out, get your head clear.

 

[N27murray]

If I were you I would take some space and time away from him. He may have some concerns like that Facebook picture, but there's a right way to go about communicating that to you. He should have come to you right away and explained how it made him feel so you could have a mature conversation about it. For the way he treated you that night alone I think some time apart for both of you is a good idea so you can both have time to think.
I agree with pp that 7 months is not long to get to know someone, start a family and commit to a lifelong relationship. That's not to say it wont work out, but it might be a long road to getting things straightened out between you two. I can't say what your fiance is feeling but if he loves you and wants this family he will come around. Its a big adjustment and so he might be scared of all the changes occurring in his life.
honestly, it sounds like communication is the biggest issue here so hopefully that can improve.
As for the friend, I kind of understand where you're coming from. My dh best friend since he was a teenager is an alcoholic and a dead beat dad. Does drugs, gets arrested and so on.. When dh and I were still dating we argued a LOT over this friend. Dh felt that since he didn't participate in his friends illegal activities that there was no problem. But it put a huge strain on our relationship. Anyways, after almost 5 years together dh now speaks to his 'friend' via text maybe once a month...sometimes less. We got married, went to college, and now were starting a family. Dh has FINALLY realized as his life moves forward, his friend is still living the same life he was living when he was 16.
sorry I went on a long time there...lol but I thought my story may be relevant. You see, if your df really wants this to work he will prove it. And he may one day realize that they won't have much in common later after you've settled into a family. But I learned quickly, you can't force the issue of wanting him to push his friend aside. He will only resent you for it later. But make your position clear to him. He might not want to ask his friend to leave yet because your relationship is still so new and he doesn't want to feel like he's "trading in" an old friend for a new girlfriend. I know how ridiculous that sounds but men think that way sometimes...like watch each others back because a woman might come in and try to take your friendship away from me.
overall, your issues sound (to me) like they can be worked on and improved. Communication especially! That's is, of course, if you both WANT it to work. I really hope you two can straighten out the bigger issues and I hope df apologizes for mistreating and disrespecting you rather than being mature and discussing his concerns with you. ...all the best of luck to you and your new family

 

[hmommy219]

Oh dear From your post, and please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds as though both you and your OH are young My guess is that OH is feeling unprepared for fatherhood and insecure. He's 'acting out' instead of 'stepping up.' Gavin is threatened by you and how this baby is going to directly effect his world and his friendship with your OH. He most likely resents you for swooping in and within months getting pregnant and changing everything. Gavin needs to get over it.

You need to sooth yourself and baby. Get away and if OH is the great guy we hope he is then he'll step up and fight for you....kicking Gavin out and creating a nursery for his baby. However, if he doesn't seem to want to man up and reach out to you, then go down to your local family court and get an order for monthly child support payments....it's HIS child...if he thinks he can just impregnate a young girl then decide he's not really interested in you, well he's in for a rude awakening. Hold your head high mama and take care of number one!

 

[mysteriouseye]

Wow he sounds like a complete douchebag, this is said with no intention of offending, but 7 months isn’t a very long time to know someone, he is probably just letting out a side of him that you have never seen before, I don’t think I even properly knew my husband until we had been together for 3 years, even now he surprises me and we have been together 10 years this year. He sounds like he is not prepared and VERY immature. I would keep your distance and not bother with him and put yourself first I hope I didn’t offend you but personally to me being engaged after only 7 months is very very early xxx

 

[purplecupcake]

It takes a while, longer than 7 months, to really get to know someone. This is why so many relationships daily between 6 months and one year - you start learning things about one another that you were either hiding or refusing to see in the other person because you were in the honeymoon phase. But now you're seeing each other for who they really are, and many times that is when you realize you're not as good for each other as you originally felt.

Therein lies the risk in having a baby with someone you only had known for a couple months. I'm sure you wanted everything to be okay and to live happily ever after, but unfortunately it doesn't seem like that will be the case. At this point, you need to stop being so concerned about what his roommate is doing and worry more about yourself and taking care of your baby. I would definitely take a huge step back from this relationship as it just doesn't sound healthy right now. There really shouldn't be this massive amount of drama, and it's in your best interest to opt out of partaking in it right away.

 

[kittylady]

Hugs x I would take some time to clear your head. He does sound a little bit paranoid but he could be panicking due to the imminent arrival. It isn't an ideal situation but many people have worked it out even when they haven't known each other a long time. I think if you want it to work then you might have to remove the photo or at least change the privacy setting on FB so not everyone can see such a photo. Gavin probably does feel threatened by you and your OH feels an obligation to this mate that clearly sponges off him, he is trying desperately to hold on to his past life and may be acting out as a result. You need to decide what you want to do before you try moving further.

 

[Yo_Yo]

What a horrible guy this Gavin is. The fact your oh isn't kicking him out, isn't a great sign.
The reason this Gavin guy doesn't like you , is because your a threat to his sponging off your ohs lifestyle. He probably sees if your around, you'll move in, he will be kicked out.
Your oh is his own person though-if he chooses to carry on snoking and living with this guy, he is being a totally idiot.
I have to question the morals of someone who allow drug use and underage sex in his house like this too! What does he think his friends doing with this 13 year old?! Playing chess in his room?? Helping her with homework?!

I agree with pp's saying you should distance yourself from your oh, and tell him exactly why.
You and your baby come first.

 

[patchey]

Your OH sounds very immature! A mature person would have told you that he was upset about the Facebook picture instead of acting all crazy and being mean to you. And the way he lets his friends treat you is unacceptable. I don't think 7 months is really that long to know someone and love them.

 

[Naaxi]

Phew that was a novel. First off It sucks that you are going through this. I sure hope that you can figure out what is best for you and baby, and if that doesn't include your OH, that might have to be the case. If you both want to make this work, then maybe going to a councellor might be a good idea? It is sometimes easier for a third party to assess what is really going on. Either way, I wish you luck.

 

[eris]

First off, I just want to say that I'm really sorry you are going through this right now.

But I can't stress enough here that a relationship with just two people in it is difficult enough and as others noted, 7 months is not a very long time period to truly get to know someone. But you feel how you feel and you should never apologize for that. However, very much in love or not, you are now adding a baby to the mix and this is a very exciting/scary time for the both of you. Maybe a little bit more scary for him than it is for you and that's why he is acting out.

Gavin is sitting there as the devil on his shoulder spouting crap off into his ear probably more than you know and it's starting to get stuck in his brain. He's been with Gavin a lot longer than you so even him seeing how Gavin is, he is still listening to him. You need to be careful because Gavin has the power to tear the two of you very far apart and it sounds like he's really trying hard to.

But honestly, very much in love or not, your first priority is to yourself and taking care of that life you have growing inside of you. You need to sit down with OH and talk things out and if things stay where they are then yes, give yourself some time to do a little soul searching. You might have to make some tough decisions here, because in the end it's not just about you anymore. It's now about that baby and what's right for him/her.

Best of wishes to you. I really hope all works out and the two of you can finally come together as a couple to work things out.

 

[jeanyern123]

My husband and I are both in our 20's (He's 22) and we got engaged after 7 months and married 7 months later, we've been happily married for 3 months expecting our 1st baby. I think if you love someone and they inspire you to be a better person, if they are your soul mate then time doesn't matter.

If I were you I would give him more attention, more intimacy and more love, for hate cannot heal hate and distance will not bring you closer and this is the time where you nut it out, talk it out over the next few days take time off work to fight, make up, just let it all out.

My DH is atheist and I am christian. After a weekend of pure love and openness we realised that our morals and ethics are the same just interpreted differently. Mine through religion his through experience.

I can tell through your passionate thread that you love him and you want this, and you deserve it too. You deserve love and beauty in your life. Don't let anyone take your power. The vulnerability that you feel, is your power. Protect yourself from getting anymore hurt, protect your baby and your heart. By eliminating Gavin which you have done, figuring out what the problems are w OH, then addressing them openly.

What do you want? You never really said what you wanted...?

 

[purplecupcake]

My husband and I are both in our 20's (He's 22) and we got engaged after 7 months and married 7 months later, we've been happily married for 3 months expecting our 1st baby. I think if you love someone and they inspire you to be a better person, if they are your soul mate then time doesn't matter.

If I were you I would give him more attention, more intimacy and more love, for hate cannot heal hate and distance will not bring you closer and this is the time where you nut it out, talk it out over the next few days take time off work to fight, make up, just let it all out.

My DH is atheist and I am christian. After a weekend of pure love and openness we realised that our morals and ethics are the same just interpreted differently. Mine through religion his through experience.

I can tell through your passionate thread that you love him and you want this, and you deserve it too. You deserve love and beauty in your life. Don't let anyone take your power. The vulnerability that you feel, is your power. Protect yourself from getting anymore hurt, protect your baby and your heart. By eliminating Gavin which you have done, figuring out what the problems are w OH, then addressing them openly.

What do you want? You never really said what you wanted...?

Not trying to nitpick here, but you have known your husband less than 2 years. It's wonderful that you are happy and in love, but 17 months is still a very short period of time, so it makes sense that you are still honeymooning. I think what myself and other people are trying to get at is that after 3, 4, 5 years or more is when "shit gets real" so to speak. It takes a very long time to really get to know someone, simply because we all have years of history, and it sounds like OP is very young and therefore she and her boyfriend are going to be doing a lot of growing and changing over the next few years. I was 20 when I met my husband, and now t 26 I can say I am a very different person than I was at 20. We grew and changed together, and it wasn't always easy - there were growing pains, and that is why we waited until now to have children, when we have a firm foundation that knowing each other for 6 years has given us.

To the second bold...sorry, I 100% disagree. She should not lay down and be a doormat to this guy.

 

[Tigerlilyb]

If I were you I would give him more attention, more intimacy and more love, for hate cannot heal hate and distance will not bring you closer and this is the time where you nut it out, talk it out over the next few days take time off work to fight, make up, just let it all out.

Have to agree with purplecupcake. That's some beautiful advice - IF she was in a normally loving, steady relationship. This guy sounds like he's trying to fob her off/get rid of her with some excuse and trying to make her feel like it was her fault. He's being manipulative and hurtful, not to mention vague about what he's feeling. He'd be much more deserving of the love you say she should give him if he were to sit down with her like a grown up and explain why he feels hurt. Not make a complete tit of her in front of his sniggering friends, that is just cruel.

 

[mysteriouseye]

If I were you I would give him more attention, more intimacy and more love, for hate cannot heal hate and distance will not bring you closer and this is the time where you nut it out, talk it out over the next few days take time off work to fight, make up, just let it all out.

Have to agree with purplecupcake. That's some beautiful advice - IF she was in a normally loving, steady relationship. This guy sounds like he's trying to fob her off/get rid of her with some excuse and trying to make her feel like it was her fault. He's being manipulative and hurtful, not to mention vague about what he's feeling. He'd be much more deserving of the love you say she should give him if he were to sit down with her like a grown up and explain why he feels hurt. Not make a complete tit of her in front of his sniggering friends, that is just cruel.

Completely agree with this, he almost sounds like he is allowing his mate to get to him, over his pregnant fiancé. This friend of his sounds like a complete douchbag, I hope that everything works out in the end for OP as I have never gone through this experience before and would hate to be in this situation it must be really hard xx

 

[jeanyern123]

[/QUOTE] Not trying to nitpick here, but you have known your husband less than 2 years. It's wonderful that you are happy and in love, but 17 months is still a very short period of time, so it makes sense that you are still honeymooning. [/QUOTE]

How can you be so mean and cold and judgemental abut the love I have with my husband.
Love is timeless and time regardless.
Deciding mine isn't as intense or as real as say a "10 year relationship". We've known each other since we were 5 years old. Even our grand parents went to school together, but I don't know you as you don't me... so why am I explaining this to you. Oh ye because you're wrong about me.

Im saying in MY experience if you're young (which we are) and you love each other, you'll prevail over common rash opinion. That this girl deserves to hear an example of young fast love and all of its truths will prevail over common rash opinions.

Don't take that away from me.
Don't take that away from her.
Leave me and my life alone please.

 

[wookie130]

How can you be so mean and cold and judgemental abut the love I have with my husband.
Love is timeless and time regardless.
Deciding mine isn't as intense or as real as say a "10 year relationship". We've known each other since we were 5 years old. Even our grand parents went to school together, but I don't know you as you don't me... so why am I explaining this to you. Oh ye because you're wrong about me.

Im saying in MY experience if you're young (which we are) and you love each other, you'll prevail over common rash opinion. That this girl deserves to hear an example of young fast love and all of its truths will prevail over common rash opinions.

Don't take that away from me.
Don't take that away from her.
Leave me and my life alone please.

I don't think anyone is judging you, or the love that you feel for your husband, or any such thing. No one is taking anything away from you. And if your love is so iron-clad, no one COULD take anything away from you, least of all from a freakin' post on an internet forum. Sheesh. Let's not be dramatic here.

And I have to say that I also agree with purplecupcake and others, who have stated that what you said about showing her OH more love and attention, and whatnot, being very misguided advice toward the OP. You may as well be telling her to bend over, and kiss her own ass, because in the real world, that is about as much good as that advice will actually provide to her in her situation.

Anyway, to the OP:

Respect. It seems to me that OH is very confused about what that means. You see, he is supposed to be in love with you. He is having a baby with you. If this doesn't merit some respect on HIS end toward YOU, I don't know what does. And yet, he completely disregards your feelings about Gavin, who is a complete turd floating downstream, and seems to actually put this loser's needs above your own. It's really pretty ludicrous.

It seems to me that OH is very insecure. He seems to take it personally that you like a photo of yourself, and he's probably pretty worried that other people do as well, and that makes him doubt himself. And walking around in a towel after a shower? Ummm, not really too big of a deal, but in his insecure mind, you were deliberately flaunting the goods to his roommate, who seems to be a misogynistic asshair, who wants OH to doubt you, as you're infringing on his meal ticket, if that makes sense.

And that evening when things came to a head? Geez, it seems that OH and Gavin belong together. I think he's proven where his loyalty lies, and I hate to say it, it is not with you.

The good news, is that you haven't invested a ton of time with this guy. At this point, even with a baby in tow, you can still move on, and you will be fine. It seems to me like this is just going to continue spiraling south, and there's no sense in prolonging the inevitable.

 

[jeanyern123]

PC was being cold towards my husband and I, even if it was in flight.

I can't even be positive about a situation without my sisters judging me for my experiences or the way I say things. Im heartfelt but Im not dramatic. Im in love not iron clad and righteous. Buddhism is now misguided advice.

Love is the only thing that lead anyone towards the truth and with everything that I've said being taken out of context and no one actually understanding or trying to understand where Im coming from I think Ill just need to keep reminding everyone of that.

I wonder if the 'original threader' is even out there, reading our responses (some of which are actually reactions)?

 

[hmommy219]

Wookie, you're hysterical! .

Jean, I think people on here are just trying to tell this young girl to stand up for herself and yours is the only post that tells her to give the man who is mistreating her more attention. It's just a little bit of an unpopular opinion that's all.. But she asked for opinions so you are entitled to share yours because you're right: it is good for her to hear from someone who shares a similar experience.

I'm wondering how the original poster is doing.. Hope she's ok.

 

[Kristle]

I have no idea what your outcome will be but remember you are in charge and baby & you come first! Good luck sweetie