HELP! super conservative "no sex til marriage" parents & i'm 5 weeks preg. advice??

[bridge91]

so i found out i was pregnant last week... and for me and my boyfriend we are excited (wasnt a planned pregnancy but we've been together 4 years and planned on getting married next year so it's not like i'm worried about being alone in this..)

but the first problem is my parents are SUPER conservative Catholics, always told me "no sex til marriage"...ect ect ect...


but the bigger problem: since we started dating my parents NEVER approved of my boyfriend, never liked him, didnt allow him at our house NOTHING....but the past month has been amazing because they not only let him into their house (until he got a new job and got back on his feet) they gave him a car for work (has to pay it off but they are giving him as long as he needs), furniture for his new place, food, clothes, ect. Lately they have been so good to him and us and have been FINALLY treating him like family! So we are both SO scared to tell them now that i'm pregnant......after everything, its like going 1 step forward and 3 steps back....I'm worried that once they find out they will go back to despising him for this and then we are back to square one... I'm 23 and he is 24 (so its not like we are helpless teenagers), I still live with my parents because i just finally got a real job with lifetime opportunities and benefits with 401K and profit sharing (the works!) ect (compared to part time/job to job rut i was in this past year..) and my boyfriend finally also got a "grown up" position at a up and coming company.. So we are JUST starting out our adult lives and getting our S*it together..but the problem is we really dont have much yet to show for it, we are trying to save for a house and start our lives together but now this happened and we honestly dont know what is going to happen after my parents know.

[edited]I know that eventually after the anger/yelling/disappointment ect is over they will still be happier i chose to keep the baby rather than the alternative, but at the same time i really dont know when the right time to tell them is after all they have done for me and my boyfriend this past month or so. to them it will just be a huge slap in the face, they're going to think we just "used" them for our benefit.

Me and my parents go to family counseling 2 times a month.. i have already informed my therapist about the pregnancy (just this morning still waiting on a response though) and i really dont know if its a good or bad idea to maybe tell them while we are in a session so there is someone there to "ref" the conversation for us (my parents and i have a history of BLOW OUT fights/arguments..nothing violent just strong words and yelling, hence the family counseling..) Our session is scheduled for tonight, but i really am not ready to say anything yet, maybe next appointment..

i just need some advice, i'm really happy and excited and ready to take on anything that comes my way with this baby, i've (almost) quit smoking (from a pack a day to maybe 1 or 2 per day...really really trying though), and caffeine and going to get my prenatal vitamins this afternoon.. i just cannot wait til i get this off my chest with my parents because i really want their help and advice.

suggestions!?

 

[jzgrace]

Oh boy!! Im just reading this and don't know if you've had your appt. With your family counselor. I'm interested to know how this pans out for you two....three ....ok the five of you. Your parents obviously love you very much. Or they wouldn't have opened their home to your partner. Some how I think they will understand. If they blow up on you and kick you both out it won't be long til they want to be back in your life. And to be a part of your baby's life. Is your boyfriend willing to ask them for their blessing to marry you?? That could be a good start being as you both still need their support. You gotta let me know how this turned out. I'll pray for you and your family.

 

[StranjeGirl]

I have no good advice, but have super conservative catholic parents so I can really feel for you!!! If it were me,and please don't take this the wrong way, but I would probably wait a little bit until you see the first ultrasound and heartbeat and see that everything progresses correctly. Most likely it will, but in the small chance of a miscarriage I would prefer to not have told my parents and gone through all that crap! I hope that doesn't sound negative...obviously most likely everything will progress perfectly fine! Whatever you choose I'm sure eventually your parents will come around. I think it's a great idea to do it in session, and hopefully they will just be mad for a bit and then excited!

 

[allisonmh]

I agree with stranjegirl. I'd wait to tell them until the first ultrasound at least. Not so much just for the chances of miscarriage, but I think you should make them a copy of the ultrasound to keep that way they can visualize their little grand baby. I think that will help in the situation to be able to see the little miracle you're growing, how can you be mad looking at something so beautiful? : ) I think it will definitely be tough, but at least you're not 16 and incapable of raising a child, so it could be worse! Good luck, let us all know how things progress! Oh, and also, will this be their first grandchild?

 

[Rhapsodi]

As a very conservative Catholic I suggest telling them when your ready with an ultrasound or not. I would see if you can talk to your parents priest to help you tell them since you know their beliefs will be what causes conflict. (I can guarantee you a priest will be very understanding, they have heard it all, they will help in any way you let them, it's their job.) Will they be sad, disappointed yes but bottom line they want what's best for you.

When you tell them make sure you tell them how you are feeling.

Grateful for everything they have done and you realize getting pregnant now was not a great idea but it has happened, and you are excited (maybe scared/nervous as you are just getting on your feet) and want them to be happy for you as well, but you understand it might take some time.

I hope that helps.

 

[floatingbaby]

Congratulations!
Sorry for the extra anxiety it has brought though
Don't feel like you need to rush into telling them - I am over 6w with my 2nd and I haven't told my parents!

I grew up with similar type parents. My little sister (the youngest of 5) was dating a very bad guy in highschool - drop out and drug addict to name two issues - so no one liked him. She got pregnant at 17 (so yes, slightly different situation) and didn't tell them, my mom eventually guessed when she was about 2 months (even though she denied it! haha). But my parents knew they had a decision to make: they could be angry and embarrassed or they could be loving. Thankfully, they chose loving and supported my lil sis though it all.
It turned out that when that little boy was born it changed our whole family. My parents softened up and realized that their children aren't perfect and that's OK.
My sister eventually married and divorced the boy's father (which is good b/c he is still bad news) and she is a wonderful mom!

So, even though you fear the worst, love may overpower. Hopefully. If not, just show how committed and capable you both are with you actions, then when the baby comes s/he will bring all the love needed to find forgiveness and understanding

 

[zenaa]

If your parents are strict Catholics, they are not ever going to ask you to abort that child, they might get a bit upset with you about dignity aspect of things but I think if you tell them after the ultrasound it should be all good and at least you will know where you are heading with the pregnancy as well. Its a tough situation but you and your partner are both grown up adults I dont think your parents are going to overreact to this.

 

[skyesmom]

sorry to hear you have to go through this! but remember, the less you fear your parents and more upfront you are about it, the less you will come through as a fearful child that doesn't know what to do with their life and still needs their parents to tell them what's the best for them. i also think your BF should be present when you tell them - my personal advice since they didn't like him before, they may use his absence to say stuff like "he's not a real man if he couldn't man up and tell them and let you do it alone, how do you expect him to care for a child" and so on and so forth.

i also find it hypocritical to offer you their help and then take it as being "used". either you give or you don't give. they have to understand you are an individual of your own and may not share all their believes.

if they are catholic as they say, i guess that religion should teach them to be understanding and accepting of differences and other people's choices, as well as forgiveness to all who don't belong to their belief system, or not?

and sorry if this post comes through as somewhat harsh, i personally am not fond of people who put their believes and rules before concrete, living human beings (especially if family) who have their own emotions, and should by this be more important than a set of written rules that some books and institutions say (no matter which religion/belief system it is).

good luck to you!