Help - urgent Advice / opinions needed please

[sundance]

I have two children a beautiful four year old son and four month old daughter,

I had a high powered job with very long hours when I was expecting my first child - I wanted to return to work but did not get the support I was expecting - my mothers advice was stay at home and look after your child thats all that matters - I was hoping for a couple of days a week help mixed with a creche, we were financially secure at this time and very reluctantly I gave up my job - I feel this also contributed to PND although at the time I didnt realise I had it.

My mother just would not commit to even one day a week so I could work - she is in her early 50s and does not work herself I also offered to pay.

To put my son in a creche / child minder then it would mean I would be working for not very much £ it was just not worthwhile as my son would be in a creche mon - fri 7am - 8pm as I worked a long distance away from home as does my husband.

2.5 years later with a big dent in our savings I had to take whatever job I could to work around my child mostly weekends - my mother in law was retiring at this time and offered to help - when I asked my mum to mind my son for my interview she asked what time - when told 9am her answer was can you not arrange another time? and I should stay at home and look after my child while he was so young. (He was 2 1/2 at this time) she did babysit at this time but I was made to feel very begrudgingly.

I got offered two jobs one a Sunday when my husband is not working and the other a casual as and when job approx 2 saturdays a month with the ocassional friday mostly when my husband is at home too - over the year my mum did start to help out i.e. 1-2 days maximum a month which I was greatful for and always ensured she was not out of pocket, but if it wasnt for my mother in law I wouldnt have a job at all. My mum just does not want to commit to a set day.

Now my daughter has come along and money will be even tighter - my husband works full time and we have a mortgage, two cars which are needed for school runs etc and I need to keep my jobs - but due to the nature of it I feel I need to do a couple of keeping in touch days - my mum is totally against this and making me feel sooo guilty and nervous about leaving my children with my mother in law as she is only four months old and what if something happens etc is all I hear, she is so young . . .

I worry if I dont keep in touch with my work about money and how we will manage!

I am so stressed out (we are only talking about 5-6 days max over a couple of months maternity leave) I feel brainwashed!

I have turned down numerous jobs since the birth of my son as my mum refused to help - but I am always made to feel terrible for thinking anything bad about the situation and that she has a point - I think I am going crazy!

If I put my children in a creche I would be paying to work,

I didnt grow up with much and I want my children to grow up with the things I didnt - how can we better or lives by struggling and me just staying at home for the next 4 years until my daughter starts school.

We went on a family day out recently to spend quality time with our four year old and left my daughter with my mother - we got a phone call three hours later to 'get home now' - there was something wrong! My daughter had been crying - but when we arrived she was sleeping she was just over tired. My mum was totally stressed out.

I feel I get absolutely no support - although there is no problem ringing and getting my mum to spend time doing leisurely things i.e. trips to coffee shops / drives out with ME and the children I feel like we are doing all the visiting / running and it is making me exhausted. She comes on a flying visit 1-2 hours per fortnight at the minute. But she has no problem babysitting if I have a dental / dr apt - providing she checks her diary and there is nothing else to do - when she does help I offer petrol money and she does take it - When I say help- it is maybe for example to lift a perscription as I am struggling to get out of the house on time.

Shes never come to my house and helped with housework / dinners etc - It just feels so superficial and because she is nice on the one side the reality is I feel so confused by her behaviour it is really getting to me, I just feel she wants all the good times without any of the work and only when it suits her and my dad / on their terms if there is nothing else to do - it is a case of dont bother us we will bother you.

I know my mother in law is not very used to our daughter so I really worry about leaving her and I will be so stressed out, (I dont know if this is my mums opinions I am taking on or my own) I dont know what to do I dont want to lose my source of income, my mother in law wants to help but I cant stand the thought of my baby crying 'or something wrong with her - as my mum put it' while I am at work - Please any opinions etc is much needed ((((

I do love my mum to bits and she is a great woman Im just struggling with this behaviour I would appreciate any opinions / advice

 

[cb1]

Ok, im not entirely clear what the question is here so im going to address it in 2 halfs. Firstly childcare while you work - it sound to me like you have 3 options for childcare:
1. Mum - but she clearly isn't being supportive
2. Nursery - expensive but reliable
3. MIL - willing, but not experienced with daughter

To me, this is obvious. Your MIL wants to help, so let her help. She will soon build up experience and a bond with your daughter, and it will enable you to keep working. You could always combine this with nursery care if needed.

Right, now the lack of support from your mum - now this I can relate to! My son is 3 1/2, and in that time we have had NO support from family at all! I have no idea why, but whilst everyone is happy to visit and spend time with him, there is no offer to help look after him. We have asked for help but it's not been forthcoming. Now this really used to eat me up, especially when I see how much my in laws look after their other grandchildren, but now I just let it go - if they don't want to help, then fine we will manage without them.

I'm sorry this probably doesn't help, but you just have to accept that your mum isn't going to pitch in the same way your MIL is.

 

[sundance]

Thanks for your reply, I think I just need to vent some steam as it is quite fustrating. Im made to feel like I shouldnt be working at all, but I know I need to, nothing has really changed in four years so I think I do need to start accepting the situation although it does get to me

 

[LDC]

I too am a little confused by what you're looking for advice on.

If I were you I'd leave your mum out of it; she's clearly not interested so I wouldn't push it. Your mil is willing to help so I'd look at work around times that she can have lo.

I completely get not wanting to work to essentially put lo in child care. I said to my oh that this was not something that I was willing to do as i saw it as a waste of time. I'm lucky in the fact that lo goes into child care two days a week and the rest of the week she is with oh and mil and weekend are with me.

If I didn't have mil I would have worked part time only, as there was no point in going to work to just pay for her to be in nursery.

My dad is the same as your mum; he gets a Wednesday off and I asked if he'd have lo when I went back to work (this is a day I put her in nursery) but he said no. I was kinda frustrated as he doesn't particularly do anything, and my best friend offered to help out if I needed it and she also has Wednesdays off. I told my dad that if he had something to do on a particular week that my friend could have lo but he wasn't interested - I was more annoyed as he always used to moan that his mother would look after me yet my mums parents always refused, yet now it's like that with my family!

At the end of the day though, as annoying as it is (trust me I know) it was mine and ohs choice to have children, so I can't really be annoyed at my dad for not having her (he doesn't baby sit either, we always ask mil and my own mother passed away) as its not his job or his responsibility. I wish my dad would offer to have her more as my own mother isn't here and so I feel like I want them to be close, iykwim.

I don't agree with your mother making you feel guilty for returning to work, but maybe that's how it was "in her day?" I have a lot of people assume that I'm no longer going to work because I've had a child and are shocked when I say I'm returning full time.

Good luck Hun, I hope it works out x