Help with MIL

[calicowgirl]

How do I explain to my husband I don't feel comfortable taking baby to his mothers ? There's several reasons, the main one is they smoke pot in the house. Also SIL lives there and they make comments all the time how I'm parenting. I am an EBF and no paci gal and she is formula, can't live without the paci gal. I feel so anxious and miserable being there and my baby is 4 months old and I am just so tired of playing pass the baby. Also he complains they never see baby but we live 10 mins away and I always say invite them over if they want to see baby. Any advice??? I have clashed with those two since day one and have tried several times but now primal instincts are in high gear I don't know how to make husband fully understand my reasoning and feelings for the way I'm thinking.

 

[stormcloud96]

I personally prefer to go the in-laws because they make such a mess when they come here I also get comments on my dog parenting. I am not comfortable every time the MIL takes baby. I at first tried to talk to my husband about it, and point out why it made me uncomfortable. I found what made it better, and made him understand was putting it on myself rather than the in-laws. For instance, I would say things like, "Well I feel like your mother isn't watching her close enough" (she left her on the couch on a blanket at 3 weeks old, while she was in the other room). Now instead, I say "I'm just not comfortable having anyone have baby yet." This is true. The difference is rather than say something about her parenting, or whatever I just say what I am feeling. That way hubby does not have to get defensive of his mother, or whatever. I just found it works for us. So you can try something like, "I am happy to have them see the baby more, they're welcome to come here (give them maybe a day/time), Wednesdays from 2-3 pm, or whatever. Just understand that I am more comfortable with them coming here, to our house, than I am going over there with baby." If he asks why, simply tell him, neutral things like all the stuff for baby is at your house, or that it motivates you to tidy up." Or something along those lines... Hope this helps!

 

[Elizdia]

Sorry i have no answers for you but I have the same problem in the fact that i don't like to go to my inlaws because i'm fed up of pass the baby and also p****d off that they don't come to us and we always have to go to them. I once didn't go round to theres for 4 months and they just didn't bother to come see LO. So frustrating that they think that i've got time after work (i work full time) or on my precious weekends to go and see them so that they can see the baby. Why cant they come to us? Grrrrr!

Maybe if you say its easier for everyone if they come here as then you don't need to take the baby out (its cold) and also they can come relax and have a coffee/tea??

 

[MindUtopia]

I would just be really clear with your husband that you aren't comfortable with the drug use and third hand smoke exposure and ask if he would invite them over to your house for a visit or to meet up somewhere (a park, restaurant, etc.). You can say you've put up with it until now, but that it makes you uncomfortable and you realise that you need to put your foot down before your daughter might be old enough to visit on her own and be exposed for even longer periods of time. I don't think you have to get into how you don't like his sister (I don't think that's a valid enough reason not to visit, more just something you have to put up with probably, if you want to stay on friendly terms). But you can encourage him to make plans to invite them over or to meet up somewhere on mutual territory. I also found that using a wrap was a great way to keep hands off the baby. If she was snuggly (and usually asleep) in the wrap, there was no good reason to take her out and pass her around.

 

[Zephram]

I would just say point blank that I won't be taking my baby to a house where drugs are smoked. The other stuff I could deal with if we were just stopping by for a short visit every now and then, but the second hand smoke thing is a health issue for your baby and I wouldn't be compromising on that.

 

[sethsmummy]

if i were you and that were my inlaws.. i would actually throw a full on wobbler at my husband about wanting to take my child into a home with drugs! there wouldnt be any converstion about it they would all just get told point blank its not happening at all.

 

[Eleonora]

My in-laws don't have any of these problems but I still can only handle them in small doses. I think it is natural to be on edge especially if they ask stupid questions (why is he crying?) and make (repetitive!!) comments about stuff like the pacifier & feeding. Most people wouldn't put up with the pot smoking either. I thought my in-laws would be really helpful and experienced but they just drive me up the wall and sometimes do crazy dangerous things. And with every sniffle they want to go to a doctor and get antibiotics which is another pet peeve of mine. So no advice here just my sympathies. You probably have to endure some contact but I think it is ok to really limit it while your LO is a so small baby and maybe try to control the circumstances of your time together as much as possible - - like have a get away plan!

 

[Cjayne]

I had a lot of issues with MIL after my first. "Oh look she's picking him up again" "Oh look he whinged, here comes his Mum" "Do you never put him down?!" "Why aren't you feeding him yet?" Christ.

I think MIL's are just.. not biologically programmed to be loved by us haha.

Try to be considerate, whilst communicating your concerns. x

 

[CACH12]

Totally understand. We have just began ttc #2. My fear of having another one is the inlaws. They have always been horrible, but have gotten worse since SIL & I have had our kids. They demand to see them, yet won't come over. Do not want us over there, drop the kids and leave... I don't do that with my DD EVER! I'm afraid that I can't protect two kids, if I struggle with one already when they are around. I'm confused at this whole situation.

 

[hanni]

Put your foot down and tell him straight. There's no way anyone should feel they have to take their baby into that kind of environment.

I refuse to go to my mils house anymore because despite being perfectly mobile, living 5 minutes up the road and only working 2 days a week she's never bothered to visit us. Then when we take him over all she does is sit and lecture us on parenting and what we should be doing and what she did. I told her if she wants to see him to organise it with me and come to us. I dunno if it's pregnancy hormones or what but I'm done putting up with her shit. Things are so much better now we're not just trying to please her all the time.

 

[Septie]

Well, of course you can't bring your baby over to a house with second hand smoke and drugs...That said, reading a lot of the other responses here, and with 3 sons of my own, I am quite worried about my future daughter in laws...Yes, I will want to hold my grandbabies and having raised 3 kids at that point, it will be hard to shut up on all issues...I am dreading it already. It seems that as a MIL, all one should do is glance at the baby from afar and tell the DIL how wonderful she is as a mother, and maybe offer to clean the DIL's house or cook meals. Sorry for the rant, with 3 sons, I am just quite worried about my own future/my ability to have a close relationship with my grandkids. And yes, full disclosure, I have plenty of rants about my own in laws as well...

 

[CACH12]

I think having a close respectful relationship with your sons and their future wives is key. My mil isn't so much the problem as my FIL (everyone that meets him feels this way!). He is abusive. He says he is 53 he doesn't need God and he has never done anything wrong in his life. We as the "kids" are responsible for visits, calling, and abiding by any rules they feel they are entitled too! Like we should drop or kids off on weekends, school breaks, and any other time they want them. Sadly, life doesn't work like that! Also, they have talked about suing for grandparents rights....
They cancelled Christmas with us (both sons) bc they didn't want to mess with us (the parents being around) they can't parent their style with us around.

MIL called Monday and said that due to life being busy and her hubby not wanting her to call us anymore that we wouldn't have much contact.

It's an issue, a major one! My husband and parents are amazing together. So it's hard for me to understand not having a good relationship. However, I know plenty of all boy families that dil and mil are amazing together.

Just have respect (be tactful, not judgy)and understand where they are coming from and all will be fine! ��

 

[jessmke]

and having raised 3 kids at that point, it will be hard to shut up on all issues...

This is what will get you into trouble with your DIL! Yes you will have raised 3 kids, but there isn't one right way to do everything. If she asks for help or advice then by all means give your opinions, but otherwise let her figure things out for herself. To a new mother who is hormonal, being told how to do something is interpreted as being told you are doing something wrong. No one, especially a hormonal new mother, wants to be told they are raising their child wrong.

Also, if you offer to come over to "help" when the baby is born, then yes that does mean cooking dinner and cleaning your DIL's house! My MIL wanted to come over to "help" after Isla was born, and to her that meant sitting on the couch holding the baby so I could clean my house and cook dinner for her. Um no. I don't need someone to help hold my baby, sitting on the couch holding my baby is one thing I can comfortably do after giving birth! If you really want to help, then let the mother rest and bond with her baby, and do something around the house that will truly be helping her.

 

[Lizzybee]

if i were you and that were my inlaws.. i would actually throw a full on wobbler at my husband about wanting to take my child into a home with drugs! there wouldnt be any converstion about it they would all just get told point blank its not happening at all.

I have to agree with this. It's just a no-go and not up for debate.

 

[mod19]

I don't take dd over to the in-laws house...ever. And never will. Their house is disgusting and I fear for my child's health even being in it.

As far as them not seeing lo? They knew they door was open to them anytime. Did they come visit? Nope. Dd is 11 months old, and my mom, who lives across the country-about 1200 miles away-has seen dd more than dh parents have. (I cannot wait to move home...counting down till dd starts school as she will go to school in WI since they have better schools than TX) My dad hates flying, so he doesn't come as much, but want to start driving or taking the train more.

Sorry for the personal rant.

Anyways, I would not trust dh parents to watch dd by themselves, especially his dad. Dh knows exactly why I will not allow dd over there. It's fine and dandy if his brother and sister are comfortable sending their kids over there, but my dd will not be crawling around in dog poop and pee and inhaling smoke. Hell no! I didn't sugar coat anything, he knows my feelings and that they are strong and I will not budge, so he doesn't press the issue. I think deep down he feels the same way but won't admit it

Dh family pushes the paci and will feed her things I don't approve of. So I completely hid all of the pacis (I never took them away, she just stopped using them around 4 months) to not rekindle old habits, and I STRESS the importance of nutrition on them. I only feed dd organic food/juice/milk/formula etc and they want to go ahead and fiver her chips...aww hell no! I do have the difference of geographic on my side though. Apparently we're more rude in the north than the south? I don't think so, we just tell you how we feel to your face than behind your back, but they all say that's the reason I sound rude and are used to it by now. Whatever. If it helps me get my point across then fine.

Would it be hard for you to stop sugar coating everything and just tell people how it is? I would have zero problem telling someone my child will not be going into their house cuz they smoke in it. That's reason enough.

 

[Amalee]

I would just say point blank that I won't be taking my baby to a house where drugs are smoked.

Absolutely. I think that's all you should have to say.