HELP!!!!!!!!!!!! x x

[mad4babies]

Hi. I need someone to talk to. I was told 8 weeks ago today that my baby was dead after seeing him 2 weeks earlier alive with a heartbeat. 6 weeks ago I lost 'lumps' and blood for 2-3 days so assumed I had had miscarriage. I always knew that I might have more to lose so had prepared myself for 'a heavy period'.


5pm tonight I started with stomach pains which gradually worsened until at 9pm they were unbearable. I went to the toilet and out popped my baby! I now have him in the freezer and just don't know how to deal with this. He is staring at me in the sac totally complete. I have a photo and he is so clear that it is really freaking me out. I feel the most overwhelming love for him and just want to hold him (I know that this isn't healthy). To me, he looks so beautiful.


This is my 3rd miscarriage in 10 months, 2 of them being missed miscarriages. My first one didn't end until 11 weeks after being told the baby was dead. This miscarriage had left me extremely depressed and suicidal and I was just starting to be able to say the word 'baby' without cracking up and was even looking at other babies and just looking forward to maybe getting my rainbow baby in the future. I was just about managing to get about my daily life and managing the anxiety better. Now this has made the 'miscarriage'very very real and I now have a baby to prove that I was pregnant. I don't know what to feel right now. I feel guilty because I dropped him when I picked him out of the toilet because I was so shocked, I feel love for something that people would feel repulsed by, I feel comfort from going through a labour for him, I feel a great sadness that I can now see for myself that he was there, that he was real, and he was my baby.


I'm sorry if this is a garble but I just don't know where to turn. My husband couldn't look at the sac and the baby. I need to talk to people who understand. Tomorrow I have to take my children to school and attend school meetings and act as if nothing out of the ordinary happened tonight and that I haven't just put my baby in the freezer with the frozen veg. How do you cope with this, how do you get your head around such a surreal situation??

 

[Camichelle]

Sending you massive hugs. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've had 6 losses myself. they have been fairly early but I know exactly what you mean that it doesn't change the love you feel. I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[mad4babies]

I had the pains, I didn’t know
It was my baby letting go
I gave a push and screamed out loud
And gave birth to my baby, I was so proud
I gave him a hug and gave him a kiss
Something all my life I’ll always miss
To hold him safe and to hold him tight
And love him forever with all my might
My precious baby boy goodnight
I wish forever I could hold you tight.

 

[mad4babies]

My tiny wee babe, protected in the sac
So precious, so fragile – there’s no turning back
I’ve seen your legs and looked in your eyes
We’ve now had time to say our goodbyes

I wish I didn’t have to let you go
And I just wanted you to know
That I’ll love you forever deep in my heart
And never want our spirits to part.

 

[Camichelle]

That's beautiful

 

[Blu10]

So sorry for your loss x

 

[AnnieMac2]

I am so sorry. It's not repulsive. Does your hospital/doctor have any information for you on support groups? I was just mailed an invitation from the loss support person (can't remember their real title) at the hospital where my d&c was performed. It was for a memorial event for the babies lost this year. I think someone like that might have lots of ideas on how you can get through this step by step in a way that's meaningful for you, given the experience they've had with so many grieving parents. xo

 

[mummof1]

I am so so sorry this just made me cry .
Sending you prayers