Here's a loaded question **Bully or be bullied**

[KittyVentura]

So, Ian and I were talking about this last night and I think it's a really interesting question to raise.

If one was categorically GOING to happen, would you rather your child grow up to BE a bully or be BULLIED?

We're meaning once they reach juniors/senior school age and actually bullying, not a little teasing/joining in etc. Proper, mean, vicious, spiteful, harmful an regular bullying or come home, cry, be scared of walking down the corridor bullied.

Of course we all hope neither would happen, but I think it would be interesting to know which people would prefer if one had to happen.

 

[KittyVentura]

Ian and I both had to really think hard on this but both agreed that overall, being bullied would likely be the better of the two.

Firstly because both of us were bullied. Ian was bullied, I was severely so. With me I had to change schools in year 9 for my own safety. But we both feel we are kind, ambitious, hard working and empathetic people who have done pretty well in life. When BOTH of us look at those that bullied us, most seem stuck in a time warp, look exactly the same, live the same places and either have no jobs or dead end jobs. We can't help but feel that being bullied gave us an unspoken drive and determination to better ourselves and win overall.

Also, as painful as it would be to see our child being upset and hurt in such a way, we would rather our child NOT be one with a mean, spiteful and nasty enough temperament to treat others in such a way.

Finally, we know we could offer amazing support and help for our child if they were bullied. We would do all we could to make the situation better and ease things for them.

 

[Mummy2B21]

This is a very tough question and id hate either to happen, Id say be the bully as id hate to see my child so hurt and upset and things like that tend to stay with them for years id hate that.
Being the bully is something i could have more control over and id do my very best to change the situation and intervene. My OH is adament on teaching LO how to stick up and defend himself to prevent him being bullied.

 

[Eala]

At first I thought "Gosh, that's a hard question!" but then I realised that it would hurt me far more to think that my child could be deliberately causing another child pain. I was lucky enough to never be seriously bullied, but I did have brushes with it, and one of my friends was bullied badly. I still have very strong negative feelings towards the girls who caused problems for me and my friend in school (one of them tried to add me on FB not long ago, I think she's a bit dippit ). I would hate to think that someone could end up feeling that way about one of my children

To be honest, this is something I've thought about a fair bit in my travels around teh Intarweb. On some websites (not here so much), the "Mummy Wars" are in full swing, and from all angles some pretty awful things are said. I do wonder if some of these Mums who are spouting awful crap at strangers on the internet would be happy with their child doing the same thing? But if children learn by example, what are they being taught?

 

[CaptainMummy]

I chose be a bully... Eek! I honestly dont know thoygh. At school, i wasnt bullied but i did get a bit of a teasing sometimes because i was a "teachers pet" (this was when i was like 14/15) even though I wasnt, i was just quite smart. It made me feel horrible. I had NO self confidence because of it, and i felt like i couldnt ever talk to people and i found it hard to make friends.

The ones who "bullied" me had lots of friends, always seemed happy ajd lookd like they were always having fun.

As I have got older, i actually speak to these people if I see them, and its clear that they arent the same now as they were at school. I think everyone realises that it is childish and eventually stops.

Of course I would hate if my child was hurting another child, but i would probably be ble to cope and deal with that easier than if my daugter was being seriously bullied herself.

Its impossible to answer really, and i hope none ever happens.

Thts a good question to ask though!

 

[pinklightbulb]

Be a bully. You can get them out of that with behavioural therapy when they get busted at it. But the psychological trauma can live forever from being bullied. As cruel as it is to the child they are bullying, I'd rather it not be my child suffer the trauma of it themselves I'd do everything in my power to make sure my bullying child was made to make things right with the victim, though.

 

[Jazzy-NICU]

I was horrifically bullied at school, I had my arm broken, cigarettes stubbed out on me as well as all the usual things. When I was 14 I started self defense classes, I went on to compete and won 2 gold medals for our country as well as achieving black belt by the time I was 18. I never had to use it because as soon as my school announced in assembly I'd won my first gold medal no one ever said anything to me again.
I will equip my children to have the skills to defend themselves if they become targets of bullies, so they never have to go through what I did.
I would be devastated if my children turned out to be bullies, but I don't think that will happen. If you look into it, must bullies have parents who were bullies!

 

[louandivy]

I don't know. I have to admit - I was pretty mean when I was in secondary school. Not violent and I didn't target any one person in particular but I did make a few girls cry and definitely treated some people like total shit. But as much as I was a huge bitch then, I did grow out of it - most of those girls have the last laugh now anyway as a few have just graduated from oxford and cambridge! But then again my sister was bullied and although it did really affect her self-esteem she now is an amazing person with loads of really good friends. I don't know how to answer that question tbh. But even if Ivy is a bully when she is a teen I won't automatically assume I have raised a mean, spiteful person because how you are as a teenager if not how you will be for the rest of your life. There is usually a reason why bullies are that way - I hated myself to a crippling degree.

I feel like I could cope better if Ivy was a bully though - I could actually do something about it. If Ivy was bullied I would feel so helpless.

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

I think from a parenting point of view I'd feel id done something really wrong if either of my daughters were bullies. Nobody is a bully unless they have serious issues of their own.

I honestly can't answer this. I really don't think there's much difference. Both scenarios are desperately unhappy ones.

I was bullied at school and unfortunately I still carry some of that around with me today. The girls who bullied me were clearly unhappy themselves, mostly came from very difficult backgrounds and as far as I can see they have repeated that for their own children I really don't know.

 

[KittyVentura]

It's a tough one isn't it xx

 

[BabyJayne]

Really tough question - and it goes without saying that I wouldn't want either to happen. But I think I would choose for her to be the bully. That way, I would have some element of control, and it would be down to DH and I as parents to to fix it. I would feel terrible though, and I guess I would feel some sort of failing as a parents (although I know this isn't always the case, there are many outside influences).

But I just couldn't bear seeing Madeline hurt, and the fact that I would have no control over the actions of others. Yes you can arm them with the tools to try and deal with the bullies, but you could do absolutely nothing about they way they behave. At least with them being the bully, you are slightly more empowered to do something about it.

 

[louandivy]

Really tough question - and it goes without saying that I wouldn't want either to happen. But I think I would choose for her to be the bully. That way, I would have some element of control, and it would be down to DH and I as parents to to fix it. I would feel terrible though, and I guess I would feel some sort of failing as a parents (although I know this isn't always the case, there are many outside influences).

But I just couldn't bear seeing Madeline hurt, and the fact that I would have no control over the actions of others. Yes you can arm them with the tools to try and deal with the bullies, but you could do absolutely nothing about they way they behave. At least with them being the bully, you are slightly more empowered to do something about it.

Yep this is how I feel. When my sister was bullied I couldn't bear the feeling of knowing she was so upset but literally not being able to do anything about it and just watching her cry because she didn't understand why this group didn't like her. I can only imagine it is like a million times worse with your own child!

 

[eddjanuary10]

ohhhhh you ask a very difficult question, I don't know! I think I'd rather Ihsan were a bully but it's hard to explain why without going on and on!

 

[Celesse]

In the short term, be a bully. Much better that they are not being hurt. But in the long run, be bullied and get through it and become a strong adult. They are not children forever and one day our little people will be grown up.

If I look through my facebook the school bully's are all losers and the bullied are all successful.

Ofc if either where to happen I would intervene to stop it as appropriate and I would hope that I am raising strong and kind children that will not bully or be bullied.

 

[kerrie24]

Ive thought and I cant answer that,being bullied myself I obviously dont want it to happen to my children,even if Aimee tells me she played on her own in the yard I feel unhappy,to think of her being bullied would horrify me tbh.

I wouldnt want them to make other people feel that way either though.

Then again,this question is one you will never get a choice in really,if you do your upmost to raise your children and instill in them the best morals you can and they end up being bullied/a bully then you will do your best to deal with it at that time.
Bullies dont have to have a reason to single someone out,especially teenagers can be so cruel.You just have to let your child know how to deal with it,and that they can come to you.

I hate to think of it actually.My son goes to high school next year

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Neither. I'm going to teach my son to be a confident young man. If he's bullied, he'll rise above and not bite. My only issue is if another child purposely hits him. I have no issues telling my son to whack him one back.

 

[jaytee146]

Of course as a mother I'd prefer to choose neither but if I had to....

I was bullied at school and tried to take my life behind it... I hated going to school and as I was planning to go to school to do harm to my bullier I got sick (lost my vision) and missed that entire school year. when I returned to school (vision returned eventually) my bully was no where around...

I'd rather my child be a bully, as I feel that if i shared my expierence with what I went to and got help for whatever insecurities she faced being a bully, she'd be okay. I thought about this guy for years after high school.. ( smart come backs I could have said) ect....

Most people say my baby is so mean... and honestly that makes me happy.. that way no one will be able to run over her and she'll have a voice of her own one day..

 

[Ozzieshunni]

I don't think I would what my son to be known as "mean." There are ways to teach a child to be confident and assertive without being a bully.

 

[Lilicat]

I was badly bullied at school, it has effected my confidence long term however if I had to choose I would choose for my son to be bullied rather than be the bully.

If he was the bully I would wonder where the hell I went wrong to raise someone who behaves like that. I would find it difficult to cope knowing he was deliberately going round tormenting other children and making them miserable. I would worry about his character and what sort of person who was turning in to.

I would be devastated if he was bullied and it likely he will be (he is autistic) but at least I could work on teaching him to protect himself, build his confidence, move schools if necessary. I wouldn't have to worry there was something fundamentally wrong with him.

We have already encountered a problem child who picks on other children and is generally nasty. I have also heard how other parents talk when he isn't there, how great it is when he isn't in, how they don't like him near their child and how they wish his mother wouldn't bring him to the session. I wouldn't want that to be my son they were talking about and to have people grateful when he wasn't there.

 

[louandivy]

Neither. I'm going to teach my son to be a confident young man. If he's bullied, he'll rise above and not bite. My only issue is if another child purposely hits him. I have no issues telling my son to whack him one back.

I'm sorry but there is absolutely no way you can possibly be sure of that?!