Hi....I really need your help *or help in general*

[Aly529]

I'm new to the forum... Came across it in during my crazy googling... I think I use googling as theraphy. This is VERY long..I am SO sorry I just ...kept writing.

I thought your ladies could relate.

Me and hubbby have been together for 7 years... Have been trying for a while really. I don't even want to think about it.
I got pregnant before and had a very early miscarriage. It was real early and not to dismiss it or anyone else who has gone through one but I was ok after.

We finally got pregnant Jan14th (exact date we conceived)... It was a girl. I was sooo excited. It's all I could google about... I finally relaxed after passing 12 weeks..fiqured what were the chances of something going wrong at this point. After all, we found out it was a girl two week later, started feeling her move...it was great. One morning ..May 14th I woke up and my water just broke. Just like that. It was all over . There was nothing the hospital could do. They called it premature rupture of membranes. I was 18weeks and 1day. Far enough along to have to give birth and see her fully developed, with nails and all, her dads feet, my shape face, etc.. it was the WORST experience of my life and I don't wish it on my worst enemy. To make matters worse the labor triggered my milk to come in. I was leaking for weeks and had no baby to feed.

Anyway, sorry for the TMI. I'm obviously not over it. I still can't talk about it really and this is my first time on a forum where I have a remote chance of seeing or talking to pregnant women. I avoid them in real life at all costs... babies too. I just get soo sad. I just want to be a mom.

My ob was an idiot (I know better now) didnt even attend the delivery..gave us a 6th RX of clomid a week after I lost her and told me to try again. No monitoring, just a 6 mth supply and a kick in the butt. I will NEVER go back to him for MANY reasons. I'll keep it short.

We decided to take it one mth and see how it goes. I ended up with pains worse then labor and in the hospital during the next two af's. I have not filled the rest of the 5mths and wont until we see a RE *I also have PCOS..yay! ) I said we would take a break until January so I can get it together and well, we're not preventing it either.

My last cycle was 10.01 and it was due 11.04. I am now a week late. Tested when I was 3 days late and Still no AF as of today. I'm sure I'm just late for another reason then pregnancy. *this is what I tell myself to avoid complete dissapointment*


To make matters worse *and give me possible false hope* back in July when I was taking the clomid I got a reading from Cherri22 just out of desperation mostly. I didn't pay.. I didn't care if it was a free reading and had to wait. She wrote back the same day though although her website said she's 4 mths behind with free readings and 1mth for paid ones. She said sometimes she gets an urge so she writes back. I don't know. I'm not even sure if I believe it but she said she sees July as the mth I'd be due with a boy. This coming July 2011.

That means I would be pregnant now. So combined with that and the BFN, plus the fact that our daughter would have been due less then a mth ago I'm losing it... poor hubby. He's soo good to deal with me through this.

Anyway...I had a lot to say...sorry if I lost some of you on paragraph one but it's been rough and very few people understand. I just want to be mom. I always thought this "Clock ticking" business was crap but really...this clock is sooooo loud.

Thanks for reading!

 

[kit_cat]

Hey Aly529

I hope you found writing that all down very cathartic - I know I do when I'm upset and down.

I'm so sorry for your losses and to lose your LO in such a cruel way when you quite rightly had felt you were past the danger zone, well......it's unthinkable. I too have suffered a loss which was the singlemost unpleasant experience of my life although I was not as far along as you were.

There are many ladies on these forums who have been through exactly what you've been through and understand. I can relate very much to your "clock ticking".....I was pretty much NTNP, then became pregnant, then lost it and now the only thing that matters is having a healthy child. I am pregnant again but it's absolutely terrifying.

I wish you all the good things and that your wishes come true very soon. I do hope the prediction you got was correct and you will have your little bundle in July next year.

Love and x

 

[grandbleu]

Hey hon - So sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. This is the right place for you for people that are struggling and know what it is like to lose a baby and all the emotions that come with it.

I hope that you get the BFP you deserve! Keep us updated.

 

[wannabe mam]

Aly, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry for all this you have been through. I have had a loss and I am not saying its not as bad as yours but I cant imagine going through what you did.
You are not on your own and your not mad (or I am mad to!). I am only 28 and the clock is like an alarm that is stuck on snooze forever. I think after a loss it becomes an unhealthy obsession. Google is a nightmare, I could write a book on pregnancy even though I have no children. Its dangerous though cos you can almost find anything to backup what you think.
Naturally you want to be a mum and now you are overdue you were ready before. Sorry i dont think i am being helpful here just want to point out what you feel is normal. You are entitled to have bad days after what you have experienced. This is the best place to air your thoughts, the ladies are lovely. Sometimes your family and freinds arent enough you just want to talk to someone who understands.
I really hope this is your month. But if its not, have a cry, bottle of wine maybe, then look ahead to next month. You will get there, good luck xxx

 

[hopes-up-sd]

Hi,
I am so terribly sorry for your loss and your current worry and fear. I lost my last pregnancy at 9 weeks 3 days and just seeing him looking like a baby and watching his little heartbeat, and not having him look like just a blob on the sonogram made it so much harder and worse for me than my previous two miscarriages. I cannot imagine the loss of making it to twice that with all that added bonding time, and hoping, and dreaming, and giving birth, and seeing her actual whole beautiful baby self after she passed away. Your grief must have been shattering. I hope you never have to have such an experience ever again.
I noticed you mentioned you have PCOS. I have been diagnosed with it as well. Did any of your doctors put you on Metformin? My fertility doctor said it reduces statistical odds of miscarriage for women with PCOS down to the same as for women in the general population. I do not know if it would have helped with the problem you had in your last pregnancy, but it does help prevent early losses. I'm not sure if you can start it if you are already pregnant, or not, but you might ask your your doctor and check it out. If you are pregnant, I am sending you very sticky super glue baby dust right now. You will be in my thoughts.

 

[Feisty Fidget]

Oh my darling I am so, so sorry for your loss - you truly are a brave little soldier

I really, really, really hope that it is a and will be eagerly watching your posts to check progress!

Everyone on here is so lovely, and as previously said it really does help being able to discuss things that you perhaps aren't comfortable telling close friends or family. Chances are someone will have had a similar experience and be able to offer you invaluable advice.

Sending you super sticky xx

 

[Amygdala]

Aly, I have no words right now but just wanted to leave you big . You will hold your healthy little baby soon!

 

[happymum045]

I am so sorry for your loss

 

[zelda]

sorry for you loss, its really helps to talk here to people who know what you are going through. take care.

 

[Aly529]

Thank you everyone. It really helps to read your posts and talk about it. Someone said I should see someone.. But one of my friends is a therapist and its hard to try to go specifically and talk to someone when I know they're people too and have their own issues. This is far more helpful.
Its been so hard and sometimes I just can't believe I lost a daughter. I keep replaying that day in my head and those images and feelings are just something I'll never forget. I have her picture in my phone, in my wallet, my parents have framed it and still have the ultrasound pics on the fridge.
I just want another chance at having a little baby of my own. Just one and I don't even care if its a boy or girl. As long as its a healthy little one for us to love and grow.

I tested again friday. Still negative. I won't test again and will make a dr appt for next friday just to do a blood test and know for sure. Google is great but its also great at creating false hope. Hubby keeps saying I won't see af for 9 mths but he doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand that it should have shown positive already if I was and a lot could cause my lack of af.. Stress, weight, too much exercise, or just my screwed up hormones.


Soooo stressful.

 

[ab75]

Thank you everyone. It really helps to read your posts and talk about it. Someone said I should see someone.. But one of my friends is a therapist and its hard to try to go specifically and talk to someone when I know they're people too and have their own issues. This is far more helpful.
Its been so hard and sometimes I just can't believe I lost a daughter. I keep replaying that day in my head and those images and feelings are just something I'll never forget. I have her picture in my phone, in my wallet, my parents have framed it and still have the ultrasound pics on the fridge.
I just want another chance at having a little baby of my own. Just one and I don't even care if its a boy or girl. As long as its a healthy little one for us to love and grow.

I tested again friday. Still negative. I won't test again and will make a dr appt for next friday just to do a blood test and know for sure. Google is great but its also great at creating false hope. Hubby keeps saying I won't see af for 9 mths but he doesn't understand, or doesn't want to understand that it should have shown positive already if I was and a lot could cause my lack of af.. Stress, weight, too much exercise, or just my screwed up hormones.


Soooo stressful.