How can i support my friend?

Discussion in 'Miscarriage Support' started by hypnorm, Dec 9, 2009.

  1. hypnorm

    hypnorm Well-Known Member

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    My friends OH told me this am that his wife was 7 weeks pregnant, she has a 9 yr old son and they have been trying for 6+ yrs for number two and had given up hope.
    I phoned my OH to let him know and he has just text me, saying that he had sent a congrats text to friends hubby, and he had txt back that she had started bleeding and looks like a miscarriage.

    I am so gutted for them, esp as their son had been asking for a baby for christmas, this would have been perfect for them.
    I know i shouldn't but i feel guilty that I have Robyn, and feel so awkawrd.
    I am lucky that i have never had a miscarriage, so i can't imagine how they are feeling at this time.

    Her OH was so happy this morning and we were the first he told, don't know what to do now. (they havent told their son anything about the pregnancy)
     
  2. zoe87

    zoe87 Im a new mammy!

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    Hi, Didnt want to read & run. the best advice i could give u is to just be there for them if they need someone to talk to. None of my friends knew what to say to me when I m/c and all i wanted was for someone to listen to me. Maybe take round some chocolates ( sister did this for me & made me smile) xx
     
  3. SmileyShazza

    SmileyShazza I'm a mum!

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    Have a read through the "what not to do/say" thread which is stickied at the top of this forum.

    I would text back and ask how they are doing, tell them you are there if they need anything and say that you are thinking of them and see what they say.

    Our friends were fantastic and most of them just offered their support, a friendly ear and offered to get anything we needed etc. We also had a few cards which just said that people were thinking of us, one friend sent chocolates and we had two bunches of flowers arrived all of which were lovely.

    I think just letting them know you are there if they need someone but without crowding them is a good start.
     
  4. hypnorm

    hypnorm Well-Known Member

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    Not sure if she has completely lost the baby yet but it doesn't look good, as she had a miscarriage a couple of yrs ago. Might leave some chocolates on her doorstep tomorrow.
     
  5. shocker

    shocker Well-Known Member

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  6. chirp123

    chirp123 Active Member

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    It is so nice of you to be thinking so much of your friend that you would ask for advice on comforting her. After a mc you feel hurt and numb. She may want to talk, she may just want to know you are there for her. Let her know that you understand this is a very real loss and that you are there for her for whatever will help her. Thank you so much for being such a good friend. She will need it right now.
     
  7. hypnorm

    hypnorm Well-Known Member

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    I will probably wsee her Oh in the school playground this morning so i will ask how they are doing, and give him a box of chocolates to give to her. I can't imagine what this has done to them both mentally, The baby wasn't planned but it wasnt really unplanned they had been trying for so long they didnt think anything was going to happen.
    She had been in tears according to OH because she wasnt sure what to do, she had just got a promotion at work, and started doing other things with her son, but they had decided that they would sort through it and things would be fine, evn deciding to tell their son on Christmas day. Then to lose baby literally an hour after telling me, so so harsh.
    Myself and my OH feel like we jinxed things for them.
     
  8. Tashry

    Tashry Mommy to Ryder and Knox

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    My goodness - it is so lovely to have people like you in the world. When I lost my first I was overwhelmed at the lack of concern/emotion I got from many of the people I thought I was closest to. I understand that some people just do not know what to do/say, but avoiding it just made me feel worse.
    From my own perspective, I felt most comforted by the people who called or visited, passed on their condolences, then just chatted with me to let me try to forget for a bit what had just happened. If I wanted to talk about it I did, and I liked having an ear to listen, even if that person may not have known what to say, it was nice to vent and let it out when needed.
    I was also very appreciative of those who called and offered to bring by dinner or some such other necessity. I was tending to forget to take care of myself during my grief, and having a friend show up with some food when I hadn't eaten in a day or so meant more to me that almost anything else.
     
  9. hypnorm

    hypnorm Well-Known Member

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    i saw my friend on thursday afternoon when i picked up my son from school, they were head of me and i found my self walking slower so i didnt catch up with them... i don't think they wanted to talk as they would have walked past me picking up my son from class.
    But i saw them again on friday morning, taking kid to school, my initial thought was oh god what do i say! i waved over the road, her husband asked me if i was ok, but they were the other side of the road with their dogs, so i waited till we got near to the school and walked with her, asked how she was etc, and so sorry that things hadnt worke out, gave the chocs which i think she was taken aback with. she chatted that everything was coming away ok and she has a couple of scans,i then saw her again at school pick up in the afternoon, she was chatting saying she has given er self a hard tim and is dreading going back to work as it happened there, she is signed off for a week or longer if she doesnt feel ready so i invited her for a cuppa next week idf she feels like it, she said she is ok as long as she keeps busy and they are going to continue trying. so all ok.
     
  10. Las78

    Las78 Mum to 3 beautiful girls

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    Hun, sorry to hear about your friends loss, she's lucky to have you right now and it's good of you to be so considerate of her feelings. I never quite understood how hard a mc was until it happened to me so think it's really good of you to come on and find out how you can be supportive.

    Everyone deals with it so differently, from my own experience I know I would put on a brave face around other people, luckily I had a friend like you who was the one I could talk to, cry with and who would just listen to me and support me when I needed it. All I can suggest is letting her know you are there whenever she needs you and let her know that you really mean it. Check in on her every couple of days, even just a text to say you're thinking of her will make a world of difference. It can take along time to get over and she may feel like she has to appear strong after a weeks or so but she wil;l probably be hurting for a long while, just be thoughtful of that. There's also a sticky of things not to say, things that we've had said to us by others only menaing well, which unfortunately are just not the kind of things we want to hear.

    I think the most important thing for me was that people acknowledged that I had lost a baby, even though I didn't have a chance to meet him, I carried him and loved him.
     
  11. hypnorm

    hypnorm Well-Known Member

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    saw her this am in the placy ground, she and her husband are frinds of my Oh before i met him, so i dont really know them that well but we have done hols together etc.
    I have offered her a cup of tea, but i dont think she will come round. i think that she might find it hard with robyn.. bit too ra which i understand. We are supposed to be having new year with them, but i think they might cancel.,
     

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