How did #2 affect your relationship with your eldest?

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We're starting to (finally) consider ttc #2 in 2017. My daughter is 3 3/4 years so I feel like we need to get on or the age gap will seem too big. She's very keen on the idea at the moment and in part I am driven by the desire to give her a sibling because I never had and really wanted one as a child. Various health worries aside, my question is how people find having two children?

At the moment I can give her all my attention and love and it does make me very sad when I imagine not being able to do so. How do you feel your relationship with your eldest was affected by #2?

Hopefully we'll have nhs support to avoid the post natal depression of our first attempt, but all of that and two years of no sleep, makes it hard to look forward to this without a lot of anxiety creeping in (and that's aside from our ectopic in September. Argh!)
 
My daughter has just turned four and my boy is coming up to six months.

I, like you, was an only child and dd was desperate for a sibling and I definitely didn't want her to be an only child. I remember the last day just me and her before my planned section I cried, knowing that I wouldn't be able to give her the undivided attention that I had done for the past three years.

I have to say, she has taken to the role of big sister amazingly. She understands that baby has to come first for some things, like when he is crying or needs feeling but she is at the age where she loves to help. She wants to help change his bum, clothe him and get things for him and you can just see how much she absolutely adores him. It's just lovely.

In terms of my relationship with dd, I have had to actively work on it, although not in a negative way. I have to make sure I spend time with her alone and we do things that she wants to do, especially with the cold weather and she wants to go to the park but I don't want to be taking a baby out in freezing conditions. Instead I will suggest soft play or baking so that she's still choosing an activity that she would like to do.

I think the hardest part is sometimes you do feel like you palm the eldest off, as at 3/4 years old they can entertain themselves for a while. I had to actively say to myself "get off your arse and play with her!" As when baby was asleep I just wanted to sit and be/have a cup of tea/watch some tv especially as he is a poor sleeper.

I make sure I encourage my daughter and let her know we love her and tell her the things she's really good at, like helping choose clothes for her brother/sharing her bath with him and just making sure that she still has 1-2-1 time with hubby and I together and alone

Xx
 
Well, you still find the time to give the 1:1 attention and love, but your child just has to learn to share. It's hard at first. Think about how you'd do if your husband brought home a second wife. However, second children are not the same as second wives and kids learn to adjust and they learn how to handle not being the center of the universe. I had my second when my first was 2 years 4 months and she had a rough time adjusting and was aggressive toward the baby for the first month. Yours would be closer to the 4-5 range and at that age kids can be just as jealous, but they have a bit more understanding and control. They also have more independence. Another positive thing is that at 4-5, if you're in the room talking with them, they can feel like they're getting your attention whereas a younger child would need you to be more actively involved in doing something with her in order to feel like you're giving them attention. I think having a sibling teaches good skills and there are different dynamics that come with different gaps, but personality more than age gap is what determines whether or not siblings get along.
 
I imagine this kind of worry is more common with a bigger age gap, I had just over two years between number one and two so he really wasn't much more than a baby. I was always comfident any benefits of a sibling outweighed the issues, like 'sharing' me. There are ways to make an older child feel included and help the adjustment of a new sibling. I try and spend time with each child and treat them all as individuals, at the moment ds1 tends to get a bit more one on one time as he's a bit more needy that way than ds2.
 
Dd1 was nearly 3 years when dd2 was born. I too was concerned as dd1 had a lot of love and attention from me (and also never slept for 2 years).
Dd1 was grumpy when dd2 was born but luckily my parents were around for 2 months to give her extra attention which helped.

Now dd1 gets a sister. She lives being a sister and they play together. Now dd2 is 10 months old it's getting easier to give more attention to dd1 again. I make sure I hug dd1 and tell her how happy she makes me and how much I love her as often as I can.

I also called dd2 'our baby'and involved dd1 with nappies, baths etc.
If dd2 was asleep id do an activity with dd1. If I was breastfeeding on the sofa and I was really tired we'd watch a cartoon together. Now dd2 is older there are less cartoons.

It sounds exhausting but it isn't too bad. I'm lucky that dd2 does sleep at night. Dd1 never slept. It was more tiring working and having dd1 for those first two years.
 
It was hard to divide the attention at first but right from the start Holly was so good and understanding. She did have a bit of a bad stage when he started getting mobile and taking her toys and putting them in his mouth and pulling her hair etc but she loves him to bits.
I find that Holly has always needed more attention whereas James is quite laid back. I am.always trying to include Holly in things and give her lots of attention.
It's a big change for everyone at first but it will soon become the new norm :)
 
The worst it got for me was in the first few days my son (19 months at the time) wouldn't come to me for anything and refused when I did offer. I was breastfeeding so I don't think he was happy that I was constantly holding this new thing lol. However, obviously he wasn't old enough to react very well/emotionally.

I don't get much 1-1 with my kids at all but we don't have less of a bond because of it, it's been like that since my youngest was born so they're used to the other being around lol.

In general though, no, having a second baby didn't change my relationship with my eldest and as they've gotten older, with a small age gap they have become shall I say, less torerable of each other :haha: which does cause a lot of tiffs but at the end of the day, we still have great bonds. :)
 
I'm nervous at having my second as my son is quite attached to me and I worry how he will cope. However he's really good at playing with others and seems very excited at having the baby around so I'm hoping he'll cope well. I plan on having a lot of 1:1 time to ease us both as I imagine I'll have some.guilt around the matter.
 
I'm interested in this topic too. I was an only child and sometimes want my son to have a sibling but it also breaks my heart thinking about him not being the center of our world. I also feel like I could never love a second child as much as him. We had to do IVf to have him & then we amost lost him when he was born, so Ibwas just so grateful to have him that I never minded when he cried or woke up at night. I worry I could never bond with another child like I am to him.
 
Ava was 3y8m when Olivia was born. She absolutely adored her and helped out a lot.
For the past couple of months, Ava has struggled a little bit now Olivia's almost 18 months and very demanding. Gets a little jealous when OH throws Olivia around, because Ava's unable to have that done to her due to her size (she's a very tall/built 5 year old). They've shared a bedroom for a year, and Olivia's been in a single bed for months. Meaning she can disturb Ava often - and it shows in the mornings. So now Ava sleeps in our bed then either sleeps downstairs to save disturbing Olivia or needs to be super quiet when going in her bed. She enjoys it though. They do miss each other when one isn't around.
 
This will be applicable for us as our daughter will be 3yrs and 4mo when her brother is born. At the moment, she "doesn't want a sibling," though I'm not too sure she really knows what it means.
 
#2 didn't have any affect on my relationship with #1. Emma arriving had a slight negative affect with Thomas but it was brief. He never acted out, just often said that he wishes I didn't have a baby as it takes a lot of my time. Emma is now very easy to take care of so we are all back to normal.

My older kids don't like Emma much, but they also don't rt care that she's their, so there are no tantrums or upsets at there being a baby in the house.
 
I'm absolutely petrified reading this. I actually sat and cried for a good hour to OH last night about how guilty I feel and how I don't want Rio to feel pushed out. I pretty much just about manage to find time to play with him now, how am I going to do that with another baby around too. I totally feel like I suck at parenting and he is going to hate me for bringing another child into the house to take the attention away from him! Did anyone else feel THIS scared about the effect on #1? I feel like I'm being stupid but the more I think about it the more upset I am for him :(
I haven't told him yet but have mentioned in passing comments about siblings and he says he wants one but the reality of it is obviously going to be different to what he thinks.
We are buying merlin annual passes for Christmas and going to cram as much in with Rio as we can until September in the hope it'll make me feel a bit better as next year will be such a big adjustment for him, new sibling and the start of full days at big school, I just can't shake how worried I am and I've only just found out. Goodness knows what I'll be like towards the end! :(
 
My relationship with my eldest didn't change once number 2 arrived. He was younger (21 months) and very laid back, both of which definitely helped though. At first we didn't get much 1-1 time but it was fine, I would feed number 2 and play with toys on the floor with DS, we still went out to his groups and clubs so not much changed for him. Now that they are older I get more 1-1 time with DS, he stays up a little later than the girls so we have that time every evening, and we'll do things that his sisters don't want to do or can't do such as going for a longer bike ride or going climbing just the two of us (or just DS and DH).
 
I'm absolutely petrified reading this. I actually sat and cried for a good hour to OH last night about how guilty I feel and how I don't want Rio to feel pushed out. I pretty much just about manage to find time to play with him now, how am I going to do that with another baby around too. I totally feel like I suck at parenting and he is going to hate me for bringing another child into the house to take the attention away from him! Did anyone else feel THIS scared about the effect on #1? I feel like I'm being stupid but the more I think about it the more upset I am for him :(
I haven't told him yet but have mentioned in passing comments about siblings and he says he wants one but the reality of it is obviously going to be different to what he thinks.
We are buying merlin annual passes for Christmas and going to cram as much in with Rio as we can until September in the hope it'll make me feel a bit better as next year will be such a big adjustment for him, new sibling and the start of full days at big school, I just can't shake how worried I am and I've only just found out. Goodness knows what I'll be like towards the end! :(

Me! Hence posting :-/ big big hugs
 

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