How did you know it was time

[Isme]

We actually ended up in an unexpected foster situation (of sorts.) We had been debating the idea of a 3rd child for about 5.5 years, and then suddenly there was a third child in our house. We'd originally had the same concerns that you're expressing. We had been a comfortable family of four for a long time. It was scary to think of rocking the boat. When the boat was rocked anyway, we realized that we absolutely could handle a third child. We would have kept our bonus baby in a heartbeat if given the opportunity... But that wasn't meant to be. However, when the experience was over we were left without any doubt that we could handle being a family of five. We also knew that it was something we definitely wanted, so we've been working on it for about ten months now.

I'm not sure that my experience will help you any... But I do feel like it is unlikely that you would regret adding to your family, while I can say from experience it it entirely possible you will regret NOT adding to it. I wish now that we'd overlooked our uncertainty about a third child before... as I have been disappointed with how difficult is been to conceive now that I am fully "ready".

 

[mel102]

Quick story, with my son (my first) I felt inside so strong I wanted a baby and I couldn't wait to have him. When I found out i was pregnant I was overjoyed. With my daughter my husband wanted another one soon after the first and I wanted to wait but we decided to have our second and when I found out I was pregnant I panicked but then was overjoyed. I love my two kids more then the world, and they are such amazing friends and always do everything together. My husband and I always wanted a big family (at least 3) so we decided to try for out third (I'm finishing my period in a couple of days so game on) but I feel reluctant. I don't want to ruin our family dynamic, or my kids friendship, or the time I barely have with them, but inside of my heart I feel and know our family is not complete yet. How did you know it was time to go for it again? Are you trying to conceive second or third, how do you feel in regards to the first child(ren).

I could of wrote your post myself I have been feeling like this for a while now we have 2 kids and I have always said I want 3 but scared to officially start ttc as I am worried about my kids having to share me and scared I won't love it as much as I do my other 2 kids but deep down I know I will love it just as much. I think as isme said you will never regret having another but you might regret not having another

 

[MindUtopia]

In part, it just has to do with finances and timing. I'm very practical like that. We've always known we wanted 2 children. When we decided to TTC our first, it was just a matter of it being a good time career-wise and financially for me to take a break and be at home for a year, so that's why we did it. I always knew I wanted to be a mum, but I was never broody. It was just good timing. The second time around, again, we know we want two, so it's never been a question of whether we'd have a second, but when. We'll be TTC later this year and again, it's mostly down to timing. It's also a good time for me to take off because of where I am in my career and I'll be done doing as much traveling (which I often have to do for work) by the time I'd be in 3rd trimester (if I was to get pregnant right away). Also, it's age, I'll be turning 36 when we start to try and I don't really want to put it off much longer. Our daughter will be starting school as well right around the time baby arrives (4.5 year age gap between them), which means we won't have to pay for nursery anymore (and I'd hate to take her out while I was on maternity leave because she loves it so much). Really, it's timing and finances just working out, plus my age. I'm totally not one of those people who gets broody and can only think about babies. My daughter often also talks about having a baby and having a brother or sister, so though it's a little sad to thing it won't just be us anymore, I know she would love a baby in the family and the timing would be good since she'd be in school anyway and I wouldn't have to feel like I was dividing my days between the two of them.

 

[nycmommy]

I am sorry I did not realize I was posting about a subject that we are not allowed to mention. I though I could get support. Here is a modified version so it would not offend anyone.

Thanks all. When I had my first my FIL was extremely unhappy and disappointed in my husband for starting a family (even though husband and I were married when we decided trying and were really happy when we announced the pregnancy). He then made my pregnancy miserable and the first month of my son's life calling me lazy and incompetent (even though he never visited so wouldn't know what I do with my kid). He then made my pregnancy with my daughter hell too. Called me lazy because I am not returning to work, and told my husband to leave me very subtle because I was just a lazy stay at home and was using him. It was hell and some. My mom has been very loving and supportive but for some odd reason she doesn't think I am mom material (maybe because I am 28 and not in my mid-30 like most moms where I live) but I am very hands on and do everything for and with my kids. My mother is the most loving grandma but keeps telling me to follow my career and not be "stupid" to have more kids. In my heart of hearts I always wanted 3 kids, ever since I was a little girl I knew that more then anything I wanted to be a mother and have a big family. I am lucky to have a husband that shares the same idea, so we really want our final baby, but I guess the family is holding me back and makes me second guess my decisions. I went back to work in september and my FIL respects me more and gives me time of the day, if I have third I will go back to being a stay at home mom, since my oldest is starting pre-k and I have to take him and my daughter to classes as well. I guess I am worried how everyone in my extended family will react. Accept my husband no one has ever been excited for us. My parents warmed up to the idea after initial shock, but FIL and MIL still pretend that my husband and I are just dating (been together for a decade, married for almost 5 years but FIL refers to me as my husband's friend). I guess I am a person that cares about being accepted and want family to be excited for us when I get pregnant, as much as they are for everyone else in the family who gets pregnant. Sorry for the rant. I know I have to not care what they think and just focus on my family and what my husband and I want but its hard.

 

[Isme]

I am sorry I did not realize I was posting about a subject that we are not allowed to mention. I though I could get support. Here is a modified version so it would not offend anyone.

Thanks all. When I had my first my FIL was extremely unhappy and disappointed in my husband for starting a family (even though husband and I were married when we decided trying and were really happy when we announced the pregnancy). He then made my pregnancy miserable and the first month of my son's life calling me lazy and incompetent (even though he never visited so wouldn't know what I do with my kid). He then made my pregnancy with my daughter hell too. Called me lazy because I am not returning to work, and told my husband to leave me very subtle because I was just a lazy stay at home and was using him. It was hell and some. My mom has been very loving and supportive but for some odd reason she doesn't think I am mom material (maybe because I am 28 and not in my mid-30 like most moms where I live) but I am very hands on and do everything for and with my kids. My mother is the most loving grandma but keeps telling me to follow my career and not be "stupid" to have more kids. In my heart of hearts I always wanted 3 kids, ever since I was a little girl I knew that more then anything I wanted to be a mother and have a big family. I am lucky to have a husband that shares the same idea, so we really want our final baby, but I guess the family is holding me back and makes me second guess my decisions. I went back to work in september and my FIL respects me more and gives me time of the day, if I have third I will go back to being a stay at home mom, since my oldest is starting pre-k and I have to take him and my daughter to classes as well. I guess I am worried how everyone in my extended family will react. Accept my husband no one has ever been excited for us. My parents warmed up to the idea after initial shock, but FIL and MIL still pretend that my husband and I are just dating (been together for a decade, married for almost 5 years but FIL refers to me as my husband's friend). I guess I am a person that cares about being accepted and want family to be excited for us when I get pregnant, as much as they are for everyone else in the family who gets pregnant. Sorry for the rant. I know I have to not care what they think and just focus on my family and what my husband and I want but its hard.

What happened here? What was inappropriate? I was not the original poster of this thread, and having my response at the top makes the the thread look pretty weird... Did you delete your original post Nycmommy? I didn't know that was possible.

In any case, from your most recent response, it would appear that the issue isn't exactly what you originally stated. It seems like your concern is less about what is right for YOUR family (you, your husband, and your two children) and more about the judgment and/or retaliation you might face from your FIL. That is a completely different problem. The fact is that if you and your husband are ready to grow your family, then that is absolutely all that matters. Outsiders don't get a say in these types of things. If the person is providing financial assistance and/or shelter, then there might be a reason to discuss things with others... But if you and your husband are self sufficient, then why the heck would anyone else feel like their opinions are important?

The bigger question here is WHY would you maintain contact with someone who treated you so horribly during one of the most vulnerable times of your life? Your FIL's behavior was wholly inappropriate. I'm confused as to while your husband didn't put him in his place or cut off contact himself? I can see why you might be concerned if you are going to be forced to handle his wrath on your own if you make a decision that displeases him... But that absolutely isn't how a marriage should work. You and your DH should be a united front against anyone or anything that is threatening your other half. Your FIL's nasty opinions have no place in your marriage bed or your uterus.

 

[nycmommy]

I am sorry I did not realize I was posting about a subject that we are not allowed to mention. I though I could get support. Here is a modified version so it would not offend anyone.

Thanks all. When I had my first my FIL was extremely unhappy and disappointed in my husband for starting a family (even though husband and I were married when we decided trying and were really happy when we announced the pregnancy). He then made my pregnancy miserable and the first month of my son's life calling me lazy and incompetent (even though he never visited so wouldn't know what I do with my kid). He then made my pregnancy with my daughter hell too. Called me lazy because I am not returning to work, and told my husband to leave me very subtle because I was just a lazy stay at home and was using him. It was hell and some. My mom has been very loving and supportive but for some odd reason she doesn't think I am mom material (maybe because I am 28 and not in my mid-30 like most moms where I live) but I am very hands on and do everything for and with my kids. My mother is the most loving grandma but keeps telling me to follow my career and not be "stupid" to have more kids. In my heart of hearts I always wanted 3 kids, ever since I was a little girl I knew that more then anything I wanted to be a mother and have a big family. I am lucky to have a husband that shares the same idea, so we really want our final baby, but I guess the family is holding me back and makes me second guess my decisions. I went back to work in september and my FIL respects me more and gives me time of the day, if I have third I will go back to being a stay at home mom, since my oldest is starting pre-k and I have to take him and my daughter to classes as well. I guess I am worried how everyone in my extended family will react. Accept my husband no one has ever been excited for us. My parents warmed up to the idea after initial shock, but FIL and MIL still pretend that my husband and I are just dating (been together for a decade, married for almost 5 years but FIL refers to me as my husband's friend). I guess I am a person that cares about being accepted and want family to be excited for us when I get pregnant, as much as they are for everyone else in the family who gets pregnant. Sorry for the rant. I know I have to not care what they think and just focus on my family and what my husband and I want but its hard.

What happened here? What was inappropriate? I was not the original poster of this thread, and having my response at the top makes the the thread look pretty weird... Did you delete your original post Nycmommy? I didn't know that was possible.

In any case, from your most recent response, it would appear that the issue isn't exactly what you originally stated. It seems like your concern is less about what is right for YOUR family (you, your husband, and your two children) and more about the judgment and/or retaliation you might face from your FIL. That is a completely different problem. The fact is that if you and your husband are ready to grow your family, then that is absolutely all that matters. Outsiders don't get a say in these types of things. If the person is providing financial assistance and/or shelter, then there might be a reason to discuss things with others... But if you and your husband are self sufficient, then why the heck would anyone else feel like their opinions are important?

The bigger question here is WHY would you maintain contact with someone who treated you so horribly during one of the most vulnerable times of your life? Your FIL's behavior was wholly inappropriate. I'm confused as to while your husband didn't put him in his place or cut off contact himself? I can see why you might be concerned if you are going to be forced to handle his wrath on your own if you make a decision that displeases him... But that absolutely isn't how a marriage should work. You and your DH should be a united front against anyone or anything that is threatening your other half. Your FIL's nasty opinions have no place in your marriage bed or your uterus.

I did not delete it, the admin did. I mentioned the "a" word that was thrown at me by my FIL i wasn't aware we are not allowed to. My husband at the time was working for my FIL (and getting paid 1/3 of what other's were) so he didn't really say anything, plus my husband is not that confrontational. But when my FIL started to insult me during second pregnancy my husband got in a huge fight with him and we didn't talk for a few months. My FIL is the patriarch of that entire family, all the holidays and such are at his house, so to cut relationship with him would mean my husband pretty much loses his whole family and I dont think its fair. So there is my dilema. But at the end of the day how much can I take. At least FIL no longer tells us how to live our life and where to go what to buy etc. He is a know it all and everyone around him apparently needs him to tell them what to do. We do not depend on anyone financially or other wise. Four years ago my husband was finishing law school, and we needed support so he was working for the FIL but the last two years he is working at another location so we are independent.
The problem I guess is telling my FIL to get over himself (put in nice terms) would mean my husband losing touch with his whole family, because they all kind work him and would take his side.......

You are so right, having a kid is our option and ours alone, and we are trying, I just don't think I can handle all the negativity third time around. Maybe I won't tell them at all lol