How do I approach this situation? Advice please!

[Snufflepop]

Hello ladies,
I would really appreciate your advice on how to handle a tricky situation. Apologies if this is long!

The background is this,
I have a 13 month old dd and we have just found out we are expecting no 2. We are thrilled as this new baby will complete our family.

The hard part is that I have a step sister who is ten years older than me and who has had 5 failed ivf attempts and who is coming to terms with not having children. My first pregnancy was terrible for our whole family. She could barely look at me and pretty much avoided me for 9 months and has still to this day barely seen my dd. I spent the whole 9 months feeling guilty for my pregnancy and that I had hurt her even more than she was already hurting. My poor step mum was stuck in the middle between being happy about becoming a grandma and being upset for my sis.

I told my sister I was pregnant in person last time (on the advice of my step mum) and it was awful, she burst into tears and then said 'oh well, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage anyway". I realise it is just her pain talking but it still wasn't a nice experience for me and my dh was upset by the comment.

I have been wondering how I should break the news to her this time? Everything I read says that email is the best way to break the news because you can write a personal message and the recipient can react to the news however they need to in private before seeing you face to face. I don't think my step mum will approve of this though and would probably prefer me to tell her face to face again.

I don't know what to do for the best. I know the news will hit her hard and if I can make it even slightly easier for her to handle then I will.

What would you ladies do?

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

 

[hopeful:)]

Hi, I don't really have answers but want u to know there are people in that situation. My best friend is on her 3rd failed ivf round and I am really dreading telling her.

She finds it hard to be in the same room as pregnant women and is really not well mentally atm xx

 

[Snufflepop]

Thanks hopeful! It's such a horrible situation to be in, I am dreading telling her already because I know she will be upset 😢

 

[SweetV]

From somebody that has suffered with infertility for years I would reccommend the email approach. I think that you are absolutely right with it giving you the time to say something heartfelt and gives the receiver time to adjust without hurtful things being said or negative feelings. If your stepmother has an issue with it perhaps remind her that the last time didn't go over as well as you would have liked and that it hurt your sister to hear it that way.
It shows how much you care that you spent your pregnancy feeling for others and your sister needs to come to terms with this as well. When I lost a pregnancy at 25 weeks my DH's best friend was due a few weeks before me. I cried the day their baby came home and I cried even harder when my DH went to meet her and I couldn't bring myself to do it. A few weeks later I held their little girl for the first time and it was slightly therapeutic. I can't have my little boy back but it's not this little girls fault and I still have all this love to give.
I hope your sister can come to terms with your family. It took me a while to figure out how selfish I was being but eventually had to learn and grow.

Good luck!

 

[LilFooshFoosh]

I had 3 failed IVF in the 3 years it took us to conceive #2 and have had to break the news of a pregnancy to a friend currently struggling with fertility. I also had a second tri loss 5 days after my neice was born. From my experience:

Don't tell other ppl first if there is even the slightest possibility that she will find out from one of them instead of you.
Don't do it in person, it makes everyone uncomfortable. You sister will be happy for you but sad for herself, she needs to be allowed to react however she wants without accidentally making you feel bad or guilty.
Don't skirt the issue or tell her it was unexpected or an accident- you are happy about it, so don't act like you aren't.

Do try to drop hints, if you can. I told my friend I was feeling nauseous or let her see me eating soda crackers or casually touched my belly. It made her start suspecting I might be pregnant so when I told her it wasn't a total surprise.
Do write her a letter. I would not do email for the same reason I wouldn't text...she could end up reading it in the grocery store or other public place and that isn't a good place to cry.
Do understand that she is grieving a loss and let her set the pace. If she doesn't ask about the pregnancy, don't talk about it with her. That doesn't mean you can't talk about it (for example if mum asks about it and sis is there, of course you can talk about it- it is big great news for you) just be respectful of your audience and try to remember that no matter how bad your MS or hormones your sis would go through that everyday for 9 months if she could get a baby at the end.

I don't think there is anyone who has struggled with fertility that would wish it on anyone. It is terrible, but I'm sure your sis will be happy for you...even if it is too painful for her to be around you. If you haven't already, you can Google ideas for what to write in your letter.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

 

[calm]

Could your stepmum possibly tell her? I think I would want my mum to tell me something like that, and I don't think its fair on you to receive such a horrid comment as last time (ex LTTTC here too)

 

[Snufflepop]

Thankyou for your replies everyone. Calm, that might be a good idea actually. We haven't told my parents yet but once we have I might have a chat to my step mum and see what she thinks.

 

[calm]

I hope it goes "well", its not your fault hun, its just infertilty is such a bitch Hoping your step sister can find some peace. Big congrats by the way X

 

[Mushymilkfor2]

Could your stepmum possibly tell her? I think I would want my mum to tell me something like that, and I don't think its fair on you to receive such a horrid comment as last time (ex LTTTC here too)

This is kind of what I had to do with my SIL. She's unable to get pregnant (although got lucky with 1 baby) and she can't afford IVF so she's basically given up. I was terrified to tell her that I was pregnant again. Especially so soon after my first was born. So I had my husband tell his brother (her husband), so he could tell her. When I told family yesterday she wasn't exactly thrilled like everyone else, but she wasn't completely devestated.

 

[calm]

Could your stepmum possibly tell her? I think I would want my mum to tell me something like that, and I don't think its fair on you to receive such a horrid comment as last time (ex LTTTC here too)

This is kind of what I had to do with my SIL. She's unable to get pregnant (although got lucky with 1 baby) and she can't afford IVF so she's basically given up. I was terrified to tell her that I was pregnant again. Especially so soon after my first was born. So I had my husband tell his brother (her husband), so he could tell her. When I told family yesterday she wasn't exactly thrilled like everyone else, but she wasn't completely devestated.

That sounds the best thing. I mean, if its your OH or your mum, you can throw yourself in their arms and have a big cry and a rant, and it won't matter if the words that come out are hurtful

 

[bunyhuny]

I would definitely not do it in person. No way. She'll need space to process/cry/deal with it. If you were super close to your stepsister, I'd say a phone call would be appropriate, but it doesn't sound like you two are bff's so I think a heartfelt e-mail would work much better. That, or have your stepmother talk to her. Just whatever you do, don't break the news in person. That's not a good situation for anyone.

 

[LilianA]

I know exactly how you feel!! Last time i was pregnant my sister was so mad at me she didnt talk or email me the whole time and after i had my son she sent me a long hateful email saying how i only got pregnant because she was pregnant( which ended in a mc unfortunately) and a lot more hurful thing... This time around i was so worried but i thought she might get mad if i had my mother tell her ( just the way she is) she might think i didnt want to tell her directly so i sent her an email and she took her time and replied with a nice email!! Its much easier for bith sides thru email in my opinion..
Good luck! And congratulations!!!!

 

[Redfraggle]

Could your stepmum possibly tell her? I think I would want my mum to tell me something like that, and I don't think its fair on you to receive such a horrid comment as last time (ex LTTTC here too)

I second this. It was my mum who told me about my SILs pregnancy, not because I react badly, but because they knew I would be upset.


However much she is hurting it doesn't excuse what she said to you last time.

So sad she doesn't want to experience being an aunty either.


I hope she takes it better this time.

 

[maryanne1987]

I definatley agree with not telling her in person. I think I suggested a similar approach to a lady who had a similar post a few weeks back. Infertility and loss, unless you have experienced them first hand are impossible to understand. People say 'you should be happy for people' but it's really not that simple. Hearing a pregnancy announcement is crushing. And it does make you bitter. I turned into someone I didn't really like through our 7 years ttc. If I think back then I'd had Defo preferred to hear via an email, that means I would have been able to deal with the upset in private without causing myself any embarresment or spoiling it for the mum to be who has every right to be excited. It would have given me time to deal with my feelings before having to see the mum to be in person and then hopefully Id be composed enough to be able to congratulate them in a proper way rather than fighting back the tears. Massive congratulations on your pregnancy and hope all goes well with announcing!