How do I get *ME* back?

[rachjim98]

I have been struggling with myself since the loss of our daughter back in November 08. I feel like I have lost Me (Rachael) as well as her. No matter what I do to make myself smile that is just it I have to make myself. Pretend to be happy but am still dying inside to have my baby. My 2 older kids don't notice I still laugh in their presence and read to them at night but the second I walk out that door I wanna cry.

I know it has only been a few months since her loss but I cant seem to get me back. I will never get over this but why is it so hard to find the happy go lucky person I was before all of this happened. I don't want to pretend I want to feel joy again.

Yes in case anyone ask I am on anti-depression it just seems to be something I have to work on. Anyone else have trouble finding themselves after their loss?
Thanks everyone for being here for me I really do appreciate it.

 

[toby2]

for you,you will get yourself back but i understand that it is a horrible way to feel, it is so horrible when you feel like you are pretending to the world that you are ok when you have so much pain inside-did you have any counselling after your loss?My hospital offered me some and it really helped me to talk through things and to have a place i could talk about how i honestly felt without worrying about upsetting anyone, i also went back recently for a few more sessions,as for me, different things work at dfferent times
hope you find some peace soonxxx

 

[rachjim98]

toby2, I was offered counselling but would have to pay for it. At this time we are struggling to pay off the hospital bills from the delivery. They charged us $9,998.00 and my insurance only covered $3,000.00 of it. I guess that isnt helping my mood either. Got all these bills and nothing to hold in my arms.
I am sure it will all work itself out in time, thanks for the hugs!

 

[dawny690]

Oh my huni, I cant imagine how hard it is for you to pretend your ok, when clearly your not. I still have tears now and I only had a mc, I dont think I could go through what you have and still going for the sake of your other children, I think you are amazing hun and deserve lots of Can I ask is that her in you avatar? She sure does look so cute if its her hun. Sending you lots of love and to try and help you through this difficult time and I really hope you get "you" back as best you can, just do something to remember her by hun, maybe that will help you grieve, Im so so sorry for you and your family. xxx

 

[rachjim98]

Yes that is my sweet angel Rebecca Ann in my avatar she was tiny but perfect in every way. Thanks for the support. Sorry for your loss as well.

 

[Rebaby]

I just read your post and didn't want to leave without saying something. I can only imagine what you must have been through, and i think it is perfectly understandable the way you are feeling right now. I wish i could be more help to you, i hope that in time you will start to feel more like yourself and find some happiness after all the pain and upset Big hugs to you and your family.

 

[Shelby2007]

Is there a local priest.. or deacon that you could talk to.. they dont charge for counseling.. whenever I have something going on.. I always ring my priest..just a thought.

Rebecca is a lovely name.. and she is perfect. I know you probably dont want to hear this.. but time really is the best healer..

 

[rachjim98]

Is there a local priest.. or deacon that you could talk to.. they dont charge for counseling.. whenever I have something going on.. I always ring my priest..just a thought.

Rebecca is a lovely name.. and she is perfect. I know you probably don't want to hear this.. but time really is the best healer..

Thank you we named her after our Mom's. We are still new to the area so not to familiar with the deacon around here, but that is a good idea. I did join a support group but felt worse after going. Like you said time is the healer and I just want everything to be back to normal now.. Patience was never a virtue I learned very well.

 

[dawny690]

Awww hun she is lovely she will be watching down on you now and she will be so proud of how you are handling this sweetheart xx

 

[toby2]

maybe worth giving group a try again?sometimes its the right time for those things and other times it not
x

 

[born2Bmama]

Your story sounds so much like mine. I too lost my daughter, Mikayla, in November. I am having the same feelings you are and I too have the struggle of being strong and happy for my older two children and my husband. It is difficult to continue on with with everyday life and fulfill all the resposibilities and expectations everyone has when I feel so tired and overwhelmed and empty without my baby here. They want me to do everything I did before and be fine, but I need time. Time for me, Time to grieve, Time to feel everyhting I need and deserve to feel. Like you I am longing for a time when I feel like me again.

I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

 

[Shelby2007]

I agree with Toby about trying the group again.. I dont know when you went the first time..but maybe it was "too fresh" - if that makes any sense.

I also think.. maybe you will never be the "old you" again.. but maybe what you are wanting to find is a "new you".. with new experiences.. new emotions.. new everything.. considering what you have been through.. it would be nearly impossible for me to go back to the "old me" after experiencing something this terrible.

Im so sorry again. Big

 

[oxSarahxo]

I have been struggling with myself since the loss of our daughter back in November 08. I feel like I have lost Me (Rachael) as well as her. No matter what I do to make myself smile that is just it I have to make myself. Pretend to be happy but am still dying inside to have my baby. My 2 older kids don't notice I still laugh in their presence and read to them at night but the second I walk out that door I wanna cry.

I know it has only been a few months since her loss but I cant seem to get me back. I will never get over this but why is it so hard to find the happy go lucky person I was before all of this happened. I don't want to pretend I want to feel joy again.

Yes in case anyone ask I am on anti-depression it just seems to be something I have to work on. Anyone else have trouble finding themselves after their loss?
Thanks everyone for being here for me I really do appreciate it.

I'm exactly the same, also on anti depressants, having counselling and hypno therapy but to no avail...

In all honesty I'm at a total loss with myself now, my daughter was my first born and thus my only child, she was perfectly healthy, i did everything right in pregnancy and she stilll died because of something that went wrong 6-12 hours before she was delivered...

It sucks, big time...

I completely sympathise with you, its a damned horrible thing to go through.

My daughter, jessica, was delivered by emergency section at 40 5 gestation... I feel like a horrible cruel person because I watched her die at 7 hours old, and couldnt save her...

Its just awful.

I dunno what to advise cuz im trying everything but i still feel crap.

 

[DiddyDons]

so sorry hun, if you ever want to talk just PM me

 

[todteach]

Sending you hugs and kisses. xox

 

[rachjim98]

Your story sounds so much like mine. I too lost my daughter, Mikayla, in November. I am having the same feelings you are and I too have the struggle of being strong and happy for my older two children and my husband. It is difficult to continue on with with everyday life and fulfill all the resposibilities and expectations everyone has when I feel so tired and overwhelmed and empty without my baby here. They want me to do everything I did before and be fine, but I need time. Time for me, Time to grieve, Time to feel everyhting I need and deserve to feel. Like you I am longing for a time when I feel like me again.

I guess I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Thank you, and I am sorry you too are feeling this, I am glad I am not alone but hate that anyone else has to feel this way as well. Mikayla and Rebecca are playing together up there and in their own way they will help us get through this. We have to believe that! to you many many

 

[rachjim98]

I have been struggling with myself since the loss of our daughter back in November 08. I feel like I have lost Me (Rachael) as well as her. No matter what I do to make myself smile that is just it I have to make myself. Pretend to be happy but am still dying inside to have my baby. My 2 older kids don't notice I still laugh in their presence and read to them at night but the second I walk out that door I wanna cry.

I know it has only been a few months since her loss but I cant seem to get me back. I will never get over this but why is it so hard to find the happy go lucky person I was before all of this happened. I don't want to pretend I want to feel joy again.

Yes in case anyone ask I am on anti-depression it just seems to be something I have to work on. Anyone else have trouble finding themselves after their loss?
Thanks everyone for being here for me I really do appreciate it.

I'm exactly the same, also on anti depressants, having counselling and hypno therapy but to no avail...

In all honesty I'm at a total loss with myself now, my daughter was my first born and thus my only child, she was perfectly healthy, i did everything right in pregnancy and she stilll died because of something that went wrong 6-12 hours before she was delivered...

It sucks, big time...

I completely sympathise with you, its a damned horrible thing to go through.

My daughter, jessica, was delivered by emergency section at 40 5 gestation... I feel like a horrible cruel person because I watched her die at 7 hours old, and couldnt save her...

Its just awful.

I dunno what to advise cuz im trying everything but i still feel crap.

Thank you for taking time out of your own grief to show me some much needed sympathy. I am so sorry you lost your dear sweet Jessica. It dose suck and it is the worst feeling in the world to know there is nothing you can do to make it any different. Your not cruel or horrible and if there was a way to help you stop feeling that way believe me I would. Our angels are looking down on us right now ( I know that isnt much help at this point cause if we could we would have them in our arms looking up at us) I am thinking of you and yours. Hoping we can find some peace with this soon.

 

[DiddyDons]

Your not cruel or horrible and if there was a way to help you stop feeling that way believe me I would. Our angels are looking down on us right now ( I know that isnt much help at this point cause if we could we would have them in our arms looking up at us) I am thinking of you and yours. Hoping we can find some peace with this soon.

I too wish we could have them in our arms! As i said, if you ever need to talk just PM me!

Love Donna

https://i433.photobucket.com/albums/qq53/donnapickering/DSC00446-8.jpg

 

[rachjim98]

Donna, she is beautiful! So sorry for your loss and thank you for being here I am lucky to have come across this site. A Lot of wonderful people on here. It just sucks we have to meet on such horrible circumstances.

 

[DiddyDons]

Thanks so much so hun! I too am sorry we have met in such horrible circumstances, but as you have said there are alot of lovely people on here!
I am actually on a stillbirth, neonatal forum and m/c forum...which is only for that so you dont see as much preg boards and annoucements as you do on here...i know some people find it upsetting to see so many LO's etc.... and the people on there are just wonderful, maybe you should try it if you wanted to?

Donna xxx