how do you deal with a 3yr olds attitude/stroppy phase.. lengthy sorry

[DizzyMoo]

You might want a cuppa n a comfy chair for this one . * sigh *

Hi ladies my son is 3 1/2 yr old , The last i'd say 3 poss 4 wks he has become naughty everyday, he is generally well behaved & of course plays up every now & then but his actions/attitude at mo are totally out of character for him.

He has started to answer back constantly, or when i ask something he just point blank says " no " , or he'll say " i said i want .. " etc etc demanding things or when i make him something to eat he'll argue he dont want that & say " i told you not to make that " .. he sulks , throws his arms about & when i try to tell him no or that he is being naughty , or that if he does it again he gets no sweets, pennies or whatever he just laughs in my face , or starts to to say " dont tell me that word " . I know most 3 yr olds go through a phase but how long for? how do i deal with it? im finding it so hard & difficult im losing my rag & the easiest way at mo is to send him to his room as soon as he even starts i dont lose my rag as quick which i admit i have virtually no patience.

The other thing is where as he's always been polite, and although very active he's always been pleasant & done as he's told, he's a cuddly mummies boy & has never been the type to hit others or cause trouble. BUT at nursery lately their telling me he's being naughty all of a sudden & usually its general kiddyness like talking during quiet story time or not sitting when asked, ya know silly little things that dont exactly bother me..but a few wks ago he pushed a little boy who landed on something cutting his head they couldnt work out what had happened but when i got josh home i sat him down & asked why he did it he said this boy pushed him & stole his toy. Now my problem is because josh is quiet & has always been shown play nicely he knows no diff so when ppl are nasty with him he doesnt understand or how to react so used to accept it, i started telling him if boys hit you & hurt you then you hit back. I'm not having him bullied/picked on or scared & i know some of you will say hes only 3 BUT this is where it starts. Ive always said you dont hit ppl you tell the wrkr etc & try to tell him its not nice to hit or snatch toys, so now im confused. But aswell as that incident... hes pushed somebody else & when asked why this other boy actually sent my son flying over an outside toy so josh got up & pushed him back..but do i discipline or not?
Another incident was yesterday when i was picking him up from nursery he was in the play yard & just as i got there i saw josh & another boy holding a boy by the collar & shaking him back & forth if ya get me, This is just so unlike josh it upset me , i shouted of josh & told him we dont do that,asked why he was doing it & told him to apologise, i had hold of him by the wrist & he started to try pull away saying get off me, then tried pushing my hand off him & trying to get past me into nursery away from the situ, i was so angry with him for his behaviour. So we left & when we got home i sent him straight upstairs, i spoke to him later & told him he was naughty & that he must apologise today to the little boy or we get no puppy. he understands & said sorry to me & that he will say sorry to the boy.
Ive noticed some of the boys at nursery are bullying & are always either in the naughty corner or are being spoken to by the staff about their behaviour. I cant praise the staff enough they are lovely but is this just a stage he is going through? Or is it something thats setting it off? Could it be hes just copying other boys? Its beginning to really upset me now as this is just not like him at all & i dont know what to do, Its just so much out of character you wouldnt believe . At home or with other family children he is superb & plays great , apart from the attitude he has with me.

Help me before i give up

Sorry this is lengthy thanks for reading .

ps tried the naughty step time out thing but it hasnt worked & he now takes himself there tut

 

[Tudor Rose]

im sorry i dont have an answer but i am going through exactly the same thing my son will be 4 in 5 weeks and this last fortnight he has turned in to a nightmare, even at nursery they say they have seen a change in him.
i think it is just a stage boys go through i never had this problem with my daughter.
It like there showing off ( something which carries on through to manhood )
one tatic i have used which may be frowned upon by some parents is, use a policeman, if he mis behaves then i say right im getting that policeman, and he.l take you to the naughty boys house. it does work, i only use this threat when i have exhausted all other options.
hopefully things will improve, at school they say he has been better behaved this week and he has been better behaved at home too.

i wish you luck it will pass soon im sure.

 

[DizzyMoo]

Thanks hun, I really don't know what to do about it or how i can get through the phase if that's what it is. I made him apologise to the little boy at nursery the day after & all seemed well, My mum had to pick him up though & she said he was well behaved til i turned up then he started being hard work, babyish etc so now it's my fault *sob sob*

 

[needausername]

I know nadda but.....

Keep rewarding him when he behaves and shower him with attention then.

 

[DizzyMoo]

cheers hun xxx

 

[Dizzy321]

You have to be so consistant with what you find acceptable & what you dont, so he know where he stands, and also praise praise praise good behaviour & try your best to ignore the bad behaviour, unless of course its unacceptable. Sure it will just be a faze hun keep at it x

 

[helen1234]

he's testing boundries, with his friends and yourself even though its not acceptable it is something most children go through hun so dont think your alone.

be consistent in what you say, dont say things like if you dont behave santa wont come, or we wont o on holiday cos he'll know even at this age you will, far better to say something you can stick to.
it sounds like the naughty step is working he's realised he's done something and he's going to get punished so i'd stick with it.get down to his level lower your tone be serious without being bullyish, your the adult tweice the size of him i know your pregnant but dont let him pull you about, keep what you say short and sweet, going on and on he'll switch off cos he doesnt want to hear anymore.
he's not a toddler anymore and is quite capable of understanding hurting people and physically hurting someone is not acceptable. he'll soon snap out of it and go back to his usual self hun.
one thing me and my oh dont agree on is the hitting back thing, i've always taught rosie to walk away 3 yr olds in a heated situation havent got the thought process to think that quick on there feet and in school hitting from either side is not acceptable so you'll be telling him to hit back but school will punish him he'll get frustrated and do it even more out of confusion, tell him to move away go tell a teacher and if it still carries on you go tell the teacher too,
now as mine got older i would teach her not to get into situations rather than how not to get into situations, like saying stay away from trouble makers etc walk away, tell a teacher, tell a friend, not to be impulsive etc. it doesnt always work there's no set answer.
now rosie is 14 and easier to reason with and have a convo, i do say if someone was to come up and thump you for no reason yes whack them back hard. but people dont and havent ever come up to her and hit her because usually in them senarios there would be crossed words in which i tell her dont let arguements escalate to violence.

you did the right thing sending him upstairs to reflect just dont put him in bed for it as then you'll get bedtime tantrums.
your doing a great job hun just by recognising it and dealing with it shows you wont let him rule roosts, which is more than other parents do.

xx

 

[DizzyMoo]

Thanks hun, He's finished nursery last friday til sept so i'm watching to see if their is a change in his behaviour. So far as there is only me & him he is ok but still i find i'm having to repeat myself at least 8 times, or i'll ask him a question & he'll just completely ignore me.How many times should i realistically have to repeat myself? I understand he's 3 1/2 but its not once or twice a day it is everytime i speak to him *sigh*

I'm finding i'm now having to send him to the toilet where as before he used to just tell me & go now i see him holding himself & when i say dya need a wee he denies it then minutes later he rushes to get there & wets himself not being able to get his shorts/pants down quick enough.

I dont like sending him upstairs for being naughty as i never wanted him to associate his bedroom with being naughty but at the moment it seems the best way to remove him & let me calm down. He always apologises, gives me cuddles afterwards so kinda think he's learning right/wrong but then minutes later he just does something else.

Guess this is one im gonna have to cope with til he grows out of it

 

[helen1234]

your doing a great job hun stick with it and it'll ride its way out. then there will be something else to worry bout
as for selective hearing boy does that get worse i get the deaf looking blank stare, and the word EH! wha! WHY! words

 

[vicky]

my daughter is 3 and half and she is going thru the talking back ordering me around and gerneral naughty behaviour.

i'm using the naughty step and sticks here is how that works

they have to collect so many sticks (10 for something big like cinema or 7 something small i went to the pound shop with me and pick 3 things out that cost a pound each when she has collect 7 sticks she can choose what she gets)

i'm using the sticks for gerneal behaviour so if she is a good girl and does what i ask off her and not get sent to the naughty step she gets a stick,

if she is naughty in any way she doesn't get a stick that does include wetting herslef, hitting, not sharing, having a trantum of any sort, she don't get one

hope that makes sense hope it helps

 

[Kirstin]

I would use a rewards and punishments chart like the poster above does. Telling him how he can get rewards and what he does that can get them taken away

 

[DizzyMoo]

Yep i tried those about 6mth ago & he just wasn't interested in them, But i'm thinking of trying again see if now is a better time & age for him.

Since not being at nursery he is so much better, Saturday i took him pictures & afterwards he saw a lad from nursery who he does talk about quite abit for being naughty at nursery & within 10 mins of being with him he was so naughty & hard work, Thank god that lad has left nursery for big school phew

 

[purpledahlia]

He is definately testing you. Did you tell him about the baby? He will be trying to test you for your attention. Try your hardest to only give him good behaviour. Dont worry about him asociating his bedroom with punishment because if you send him there or need to say it twice it means he doesnt get any attention. He will soon learn that he gets more attention and interest from you when he is good. If he is bad continue to send him to his rrom and he will get bored of it and realise he is not getting the attention he wants.
with the nursery thing i would say he is just acting out as his friends are, sounds like to me he is at the age where they all want to be the biggest and the best so they all show off, and they all become cheeky and answer back because they want the most attention in class. Just continue with the negative attention, be blunt and dont talk etc if he is being rude. he will realise if he carry's on being bad he will be ignored-sent out the room. but if he is nice and good he gets attention and interest in what hes doing etc. hope that makes sense. Its all in the book toddler taming, i read it for my last job. but what your doing is right, he will be worried when the baby comes he wont get any attention aswell so he is acting up-all normal for 3yr old 4yr old boys, xx

 

[hypnorm]

Ewan is the same and trying to get attention, i think its partly coz of a new baby and also he starts school in sept.
But he lies to me, smiles when i tell him off, we sit him on the naughty step which he hates and will winge and cry.
we also use a reward chart but forget to use it too! so not so good.
Also around 6 pm he seems to go hyper, running around being noisy which winds his dad up when he gets in!

 

[whitelilly]

I am a psychologist and I agree that much of the advice on here is good! However, the naughty step isn't working if he is taking himself there!

It definitely sounds as though your son is seeking out extra attention. Unfortunately, negative attention is better than no attention. He might well be put out by baby and this is normal. The important thing is not to respond when he misbehaves, but to priase him for good behaviour and give him attention when he is being good.

My suggestions at this stage would be:

1. Introduce a time each day that is set in stone where you can play for a half hour. He must be able to recognise when it is time for this task and you must always be available for it.

2. Re. the food- if he doesn't want it, tell him that is fine and you will leave it there incase he gets hungry but that you won't be making him anything else.

3. Naughty step- I hate hate hate the naughty step! Stop using it as he shouldn't be taking himself there!

4. I think charts are much better but they only work when parents are consistent and this is often really hard when there are other priorities, such as housewirk, washing, new babies etc. But they generally work quickly if they are strictly adhered to. Maybe since the function of his behaviour is attention, the reward could be a special one hour session with mum doing an activity of his choice (but don't take away the set half hour each day).

5. Bullying/ problems at nursery. I would make a seperate chart for this and let him see that you will be asking the nursery teacxhers for a report each day. Smily/ sad faces are useful here. If he gets a sad face then he could maybe get a bedtime story read (extra attention and in a good way) and if he misbehaves then no bedtime story.

6. Don't let him see you upset/ raising your voice. You are the parent and are in control.

xx