How do you deal with the "so when are you having a baby," question?

[Serene123]

I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong section, but I'm finding it hard to relate with people who have been trying for 3 months and think it's a long time. I know it is to them, I've been there, but I could never have imagined being here when I was there.

I'm in the middle of cycle 15, and I'm really struggling with people asking me when we're having another baby. I've taken to just saying, "not yet," or even worse, "never!!!" It upsets me to be honest. I want to say, "you tell me!!" I have my recurrent miscarriage clinic appointment coming up (June 25th so not far away) and I don't know whether it's time to just be honest with people now the doctor agrees something might actually be up with me.

We went to a family party over the weekend, and I can't count on both hands the amount of people that suggested it was time for another baby, demanded I have another baby, or asked me when I'm planning on popping out another.

I know it's probably a personal thing. What do you say? Are you honest?

 

[todteach]

I don't deal with this question well anymore. My husband seems more tactful tbh. I am quite honest with people now, and I know that isn't the right way to deal either. I tend to avoid people now because of this.

 

[Lyns]

I'm in a similar situation.....I have a 3 yr old daughter, 2 yr TTC and 2 mc's under my belt, and at 40 the clock is ticking with me (as people cruelly and frequently remind me), only I'm also battling cancer at the moment to boot, so even TTC is on hold!

The bad news is there is no perfect answer, the good news is that people give up asking eventually...well so much anyway!!

To be honest, whilst there is no real answer, all I can encourage you to do is remember that when someone utters those words, smile sweetly and remember that you've probably tried harder and wanted harder than 99% of them ever did.....and therefore know that when it does happen for you, it will be that tiny bit sweeter.

If all else fails.....I just say "When the time is right....and for reasons you really don't want to know....its not really right now!" That usually shuts 'em up, and doesn't give anything away!

Huge hugs to you darling.....I know just how you are feeling x

 

[Blue12]

Oh I wish I had some suggestion. As I do not have any children yet, I find it hard to answer this question, yet probably much easier than it is to answer when you already have one as people assume you had 1, why not another.

goodluck

Hope you get some answers soon too.

 

[Terangela]

I say honesty is the best policy. I am blatantly honest and it honestly stops the stupid questions! I would say, well, we have been trying for 15 months now and we hope we are able to have another as we love our first so much.

It took us 2years and 8 months to get pg the first time. I let everyone know that i had to take drugs to get pg and it might not work. Then when we were ttc#2 we told people we were ttc but hoping it didn't take as long that time. Now we are ttc#3 and all we get bugged about is having triplets, or twins. All I want is one, and all I got both other times was one. So i don't get why they have to joke about it. I find it all rather annoying. My brother is the worst and him and his wife aren't having kids. I think i might start joking back and see how he enjoys the thought of having twins himself.

 

[lola13]

I'm with todteach on this one. I try to avoid situations where the question might come up. When it does, my DH usually answers with "we'd like to, but it just hasn't happened yet". I'd like a dime for every time I've heard him say it.

I don't know what makes me feel worse - that people ask it, or that it's been so long that some have stopped asking.

 

[Blue12]

Ugh you are right lola - that is devastating.

 

[Springflower]

I hate this question but have to admit when I was younger I used to ask it. Never again!!

I've been honest with my close friends and mum, OH hasn't told his friends and won't. He's very private. Luckily we're not that close to his friends wives (who have all had baby no. one) so manage to avoid that question.

It#s really difficult and I have to admit that my OH and I don't go out as nealry as much as we used to and have pretty much stopped hanging out with our friends who have kids. Really sad, but we find it easier.

It must be harder when you already have one as people always have an expectation that no. 2 is on the way!

Hugs to you

 

[prettyshoes]

Hi,
I must admit I'm finding it difficult. Just yesterday I decided to grasp the nettle and admit to a few friends who have children that yes we are TTC and it's just taking a long time (they were TTC for 3 months on average for their kids). For everyone else, we just mumble 'not yet' or 'maybe in a couple of years, plenty of time'.

I have also muttered the old chestnut 'babies? I find it hard just to look after myself!' and give a little laugh which must sound like the falsest thing ever...

 

[zowiey]

I hate myself for saying it, but I usually just say, that we so aren't ready for one yet! Which is absolute bullshit, but if I didn't have such a firm answer I'd break down every time. But then I get paranoid that maybe if I'm denying it so much,maybe I'm stopping it from happening!! Which I know is complete rubbish, but sometimes my mind goes a little crazy!!

But like Lola said, it's not very often we get asked anymore, can't always decide if it's a good or bad thing?

Good luck with your appt, hope you get some answers.
xxx

 

[CurlySue]

I'm just honest about it.

 

[wishful think]

I hate that question. I have an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My dh and I have been ttc since April '09 and there are male fertility issues (and possibly some female fertility issues). When people put the question to me "So when are u and your dh gonna have a baby?" they sometimes add in "and your dh is great with kids, i'd say he'd love a baby". I find it really hard because i feel that they're thinking that he would love a baby but obviously I must not want another child!! It's just the way they say it that sends me thinking!!!! It's not fair, we both want a baby. I have started saying "Whenever it happens, it happens". Also I have a new next door neighbour who just had a baby but when she was heavily pregnant she actually said to me over the garden fence "Would yourself and your dh not get a move on with number 2". I actually couldnt believe it cause she doesn't know me on a personal level and doesnt even know yet that my dh is not my 11 year olds father. I nearly started crying that day in front of her, i just had to turn my head and say "all in good time". Some people have no sense!!!!

 

[ttcbaby117]

ugh that is probably the worse question ever....It is so private, I mean seriously...do these same people walk around and ask how much money we have in our bank accounts also.....This question gets on my nerves....and I have to admit I lie and just say....we have been married for only a year...we will do it when we are ready....well we have been ready since we got married....I am 34 and cant really afford to wait much longer....to make it worse I live in a v. small community so everyone is in your business. Oh and the icing...my two bff's who started trying around teh same time as me are either pg or just had one...so of course everyone is saying...why would you wait your kids can grow up together....ho hum...anyway that was my rant for the evening.

 

[RebaRezzelba]

What I say to people when they ask that question is "sure Im only young (31), plenty of time for babies".... little do they know im TTC like a mad woman for the past 2.5 years!!!! Then they just say back to me "good for you, live your life, enjoy it while you can etc"......

 

[Serene123]

I nearly told a room full of people yesterday. I want a baby, I just can't have one!

 

[Sambatiki]

I laugh it off....

 

[PalmerWife]

My husband and i have been trying a little over a year. we are on round 2 of clomid. At my brother in law's birthday dinner, my sister in laws husband (who has no brain or manners) says, SO ARE YOU OVULATING? AT the DINNER TABLE!. I was so humiliated that i just looked away, he followed that up with "what?, dont you know that its now a family event?" SERIOUSLY??!? I love how my inferitily becomes the butt of his out of control "sense of humor".

 

[Redfraggle]

Depends what mood I am in (or how hormonal I am feeling!). Most of the time I just laugh it off and ask why on earth we would want to do that, we like having money/lie ins/holidays etc. Have been known to say "it's none of you f**king business" and have at tmes just burst into tears and told the truth.

But to be honest its been so long now people have stopped asking.

 

[ttcbaby117]

palmer - omg that is horrible..I hope your sil told him how wrong that was...

 

[PalmerWife]

palmer - omg that is horrible..I hope your sil told him how wrong that was...

I know! I was so embarrassed. Luckily my husband looks similar to a football linebacker, and stood up and said "actually its not a family affair, and id appriciate it if you didnt ask my wife such sensitive questions". The guy quickly shut up.

I hate how people think that if they ask you enough, you will magically become pregnant.

A friend of mine is pregnant after only trying for 2 months and i was supposed to throw her baby shower with another friend. Well the other friend said something about the baby being a miracle. I really just wanted to say, MIRACLE?! are you kidding me? try going through endless OPK tests, preg tests, clomid cycles with allllll the side effects, doctors telling you that "it just might not happen for you at 24 yrs old" and countless nights crying because you dont know what is wrong with YOU....THEN you can call the baby a miracle. but instead i just smiled and nodded.