How do you know when you're "ready"?

[day_dreamer]

Pretty much as the title says really...how DO you know when you're "ready"?

Whenever I bring up the subject of trying for a baby, my OH always says "I'm not ready yet" but when I ask why, all I get in reply is "i don't know, not yet"

I try and pin down some more specific reasons...such as fear, responsibility, money, lack of freedom...but i still just get "i don't know, just not ready" and I kinda feel like I'm hanging around waiting for some undetermined point in the future when OH is just going to go "PING, I'm ready now"

Does that make sense??

 

[lemongrass]

My OH did the same thing with marriage. My response? Okay, so I'll MAKE you ready!
Maybe he hasn't spent much time around kids, many men haven't, so its hard for them to understand why you want them so bad. If thats it, make friends with all the people you know with babies so he can be around them more.
He could also have tangible goals set out before he wants to have kids. Education, a certain income, or a buying a house, or getting married if you are not. If this is the case you need to talk about it with him so you're both on the same page.
Talk to him and if he still says I'm not ready, tell him thats fine, but you both want kids at some point, so set a goal date to start trying. Gives you something to look forward to and makes it feel less like your walking blindfold into the future.

 

[moomin_troll]

i really dont no how u no when ur ready u just no lol

my sister is undecided about children but her oh really wants to start a family now, hes crazy about zane so thats made him want them more.

he knows hes ready because he loves my sister, hes 29 got a job he knows hes stayin in, where as my sister wants to concertrate on her career she works in a clothes shop and she loves going out n wasting money really on clothes and she loves her drunken holidays.

ive said to her theres so much more to life then those things, having a baby means so much more and then u get to enjoy ur nights out when u get them.

i think if ur oh just doesnt no then maybe u shud ntnp

 

[Booga]

My OH had a "fear of commitment" for awhile. He said he was just afraid of screwing up. But one night, he surprised me completely by proposing. Sometimes men are transparent, but mostly they're very hard to read.

Now, OH is open to NTNP (which we all know is casual TTC) and he's excited about marriage, and living together!

But yeah, my OH pretty much just went "ping!" one day.

 

[lovehearts]

My OH pretty much did the same - one day it was im not ready and the next it was ok so maybe im ready.... I dont know what changed his mind as i avoided the subject as i didnt want to push him in to something. We decided to ntnp on holiday but that was more my decision then the other week he just came out with it so we are def ntnp on holiday. I think he needed time to adjust to the idea and throw it about in his own head what it would be like to have a child. I had know for a long time that i wanted one but i dont think he had ever thought about it being so near in the future untill i told him how i felt. It took he a few months but he soon realised he wanted it just as much as me Good luck - they can be stubborn buggers sometimes but they all come round in the end xxxxx

 

[Amygdala]

I'm afraid my DH went "ping" at some point as well. So much so that I didn't believe him for a week or so, kept having to ask him if he's sure.
Having said that, it came after a lot of talking about our future, our plans and dreams and also our fears. In the, helping him imagine what it would be like gave him the confidence to make a decision. Turns out he had lots of (crazy) ideas about what he'd have to give up to "be a good father".

 

[TinyBoots]

You girls sound lucky... My OH won't even sit down and talk about the future... Whenever I mention it he says "Why are you talking about things so far in the future?"... i can't help it if I like to know what my future could possibly hold!

Saying that, I was having a really crappy day looking after my sisters kids and said to him "I don't think I ever want children", and he seemed quite taken back by this, even as far as saying "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want children"

So I'm just going to wait until he's ready, whenever that is

 

[KerryGold]

I'm still waiting for my DH to tell me he's gone 'ping'! (I guess he has in because we're going to do it and we've planned when, but neither of us is mad broody yet!)

We actually discussed years ago that one day he would 'go ping'. He did the same with marriage "deffo want to do it - not yet" - "will you marry me?" However, my fella is pretty traditional (as am I) and so we always sort of had a plan - wedding, house, fix up house, finish PhD, then babies. I guess we've ticked all the other things off the list so this is what's next!

I do think the fact that a bunch of people who we know (not our close friends, but my cousins and, funnily, younger sisters of our friends) are suddenly all popping them out makes him kind of realise he doesn't want to be left behind!

xXx

 

[mightyspu]

I think it may be a little hard for allstars to NTNP, as her OH is also a lady!

What made you feel ready? Does she want kids in the future?

I'd always wanted kids, just couldn't see me having them as I hadn't met the right person yet and when I did it all fell into place. I'm not saying she hasn't met the right person yet, just maybe something hasn't happened that she'd like to have in her life before she makes that jump. And if she doesn't know, then maybe she doesn't know. I hope the "ping" happens sooner rather than later!

 

[day_dreamer]

Haha -- yeh thanks for pointing that out 'spu

I know she really wants to go travelling...and I think that might be what's holding her back at the moment. But we have a house, decent-ish jobs, and 3 dogs -- going travelling just isn't possible for us really. I'd love to go travelling also (had my chance at 19 and chickened out!) but the older I've got, the more I'm willing to let go of that dream in favour of creating a family.

I suppose her age might have something to do with it...she's 2 and a half years younger than me and said she never imagined having kids until she was at least 25 -- the way we're going, if we're hoping to conceive April/May/June this year, then she won't be far off 25!! I just don't want to be 30 before it happens. I've always wanted to be a younger Mum and it's really not happening, lol.

 

[mightyspu]

I appreciate that, as the big 30 approaches at the end of this year, I was getting more nervy! So does that make you 26ish? Maybe broach the idea of aiming for before you're 30th? How about a big holiday to stave off the travelling bug? get some trusted friends in to dog and house sit and go back packing for 3 weeks or a month?

 

[plutosblue]

Unfortunately I really can't answer that question for the simple reason I don't know myself

My OH has been ready for years but I have been the opposite even now I don't think I am, we are due to get married in September and I have major cold feets To be honest I am just pushing myself, I'm one of these people that isn't too good with dealing with change, so I have to push myself out my comfort zones; it always comes up good in the end, I just have to push.

All I know is I have always wanted children in my younger years and wanted to meet the right person which I have, and the next logical step is marriage and children so I am going down that route, my plan is on our honeymoon to move to NTNP since that makes me feel more comfortable (don't ask my why I couldn't tell you!) I think its just if it happens I will cope and try to be the best mummy I can be, and if it doesn't I wont beat myself up about it since I have many years to keep trying in future..

Hope that makes sense!

 

[Pyrrhic]

I am nowhere near ready, but my OH is.

I am not ready because....

I want to finish my course which starts on Monday

I have training commitments with the TA.

OH is going to Afghan later this year.

I don't 'feel' ready. I know this seems like a cop-out, but it's true! I'm scared of having two young children. I don't want to have the stress of a newborn and a toddler. I feel like I'm just getting my life back a bit now LO is more independent and I will have to go back to the newborn stage again.

Sometimes I just do feel like I'm making excuses though.

Having a baby is a huge commitment, and you realise how much work it is when you have one already.

I will have my 'ping' moment. Until then I've told OH we can TTC in January next year. I think I will change my mind though, which doesn't seem fair but both people have to be 100% sure they are ready in my opinion.

 

[tasha41]

I am not ready. I have reasons but above all else, I know that I am not ready because the time doesn't feel right yet for us. Sometimes I'm so excited and the urge to have another is strong and I want to commit to a TTC date, but other times I don't even want to seriously think about it, just daydream about "next time".

In reality I would like a break between babies. I will be having another c-section and I'm not ready for another yet. I'm not ready to divide my attention and focus between 2 children. I don't want 2 children in diapers. I have things I must do before having a baby.

Plus I really want to get married. It's important to me and I know I will bend if it's the only thing in the way and we can't afford to... but I do want that.

In a perfect world I would be able to go back to school in September and live with my OH already and be engaged and planning a wedding and I'd have my next child when Elyse goes to school, so that while she is at school I have some just baby & mommy time, and then some time with my children and I, and then family time during my maternity leave. The age gap wouldn't be too big, and I could manage a newborn if I had Elyse in school for a few hours everyday during the week.

 

[LuckyStarr]

My husband used to just say he wasn't ready and asked for me not to push him. Since then we have spent a lot of time with our 18 month nephew, who is amazing (and gives a totally false idea of parenthood) lol. He turned round and said. If we start saving now in a few months I am ready. He wont start till we have saved enough though. He is very much we dont do something if we arent going to do it right!

It's stressful ladies! lol It really is just like a switch!

 

[Newly Broody]

I was always adamnt that I'd never have children. I've only become fond of the idea at some point in the last few months. I can't tell you how/when/where it happened, so i don't think I pinged, it was more gradual.

I suppose my thoughts started when I started spending alot of time with kids of OH's friends and family. He's great with his neice and his friend's kids and i thought "I want him to be like that with our children, not just theirs. Woah... hang on... did I just put myself in the same sentance and train of thought as children?!?! Well I could do with a few months off work"

And it grew from there. I'd always told him I hated children and thought he felt the same so it took me a long time to pluck up the courage to tell him I'd changed my mind. I was petrified that he'd reply "perhaps you need to find someone who wants the same thing as you". When I eventually told him he said "Our children will be beautiful. But not yet. Babies cost more than beer"

 

[day_dreamer]

I appreciate that, as the big 30 approaches at the end of this year, I was getting more nervy! So does that make you 26ish? Maybe broach the idea of aiming for before you're 30th? How about a big holiday to stave off the travelling bug? get some trusted friends in to dog and house sit and go back packing for 3 weeks or a month?

Yeah I'm 26. I have broached the idea of aiming for before I'm 30, but all I got was a "we'll see" so I guess I'll just wait a bit longer.

The holiday/backpacking idea is a great one, except neither of us are allowed to have more than 2 weeks off work at a time...plus we can't afford it. We've never been on holiday (apart from 3 nights camping) in the whole time we've been together!! Something to think about though I suppose...I'd just be worried that she'd get a taste for it and want to go for longer/further (I'm a worrier lol)

 

[vermeil]

just wanted to chime in that in my family pretty much everyone had their kids after 30. I'll be 38 when #1 arrives, I feel great, have a good life and this is the time for me.


sooo the big 30 isn't that scary, really

 

[notquite]

This is my first post on here in months...

I have no idea when I'll know if I'm ready. I had an M/C last April at 9.5 weeks, after an unexpected BFP. So even though I wasn't ready at that point, I had kind of made myself start to GET ready, if that makes any sense.

Now though, I'm just starting to have baby on the brain all the time... I'm going through a lot of other changes right now (buying a house to move into in March, after that I'd like to look for a new job)... it might be way too much for me to deal with if I was pregnant right now. Ideally I'd like to be at a different job for at least 6 months before getting pregnant, but I don't know. Even if DH got a better job, then I might feel okay about it.

I guess I'm just worried that there will never be a "right time". So I'm ready but I'm not, I want it but I don't. And so on and so on.

 

[day_dreamer]

just wanted to chime in that in my family pretty much everyone had their kids after 30. I'll be 38 when #1 arrives, I feel great, have a good life and this is the time for me.

sooo the big 30 isn't that scary, really

It's not scary lol, just I've always wanted children whilst I'm young -- if I'd have had my way I'd have had my first by 25!!

Notquite - I'm worried there'll never be a right time too