How insensitive can people be...?

[TraceC]

So I might be a bit over the top, and I hope this doesn't sound like I'm bitching about a mate. But I sent a friend a msg last night wishing her a Happy Birthday. At which she replied saying thank you can't wait to see you, I have some exciting news to share with you on Sunday at Church. Keeping in mind I only had my D&C last Wednesday... I replied saying your pregnant..? she says yeah I just found out we're 4 weeks pregnant, wanted to tell you in person though, wasn't sure if it would upset you.

I couldn't believe that she didn't stop and think that seen as she is only 4 weeks pregnant and I only had the baby removed last week that she could of waited a few weeks to tell me. I balled my eyes out for about half an hour. I want to be happy for her, but I'm not ready to celebrate these things with others, I'm still missing my baby too much. I replied to her saying, it hurts badly only to look at a baby at the moment. But congrats to you both. Just can't get my head around someone being so insensitive about my feelings. I'm a strong person generally and don't let things get to me. But she was aware that I was in struggle street this week. I'm not angry at her, just her "exciting news' she had to share so early has really hurt me badly. Its rubbed salt in the cut .

 

[ceejie]

 

[MRS_HJO]

Ooooooh boy, I could share so many stories with you about how insensitive people can be, but I will only share this one because I know you can relate:

My SIL had her daughter's first birthday party two days after I miscarried the baby. I was still bleeding/passing tissue, in so much pain, on paid meds, and was crying non stop, so of course I couldn't go. Would you know that my SIL went around telling people how pissed she was that I wasn't at her daughter's party. When I confronted her on it, she called me jealous, jealous of the fact that she has a baby and I don't, and that's why I didn't go... How selfish of me not to be there just because I couldn't be around babies......... So you and I know that had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, and I give up on this crazy SIL... She's so self-centered. And might I add that she is in competition with me now trying to get pregnant with her second before I get pregnant with my first... after a loss.... People are unbelievable. I'm very sorry that your friend was only thinking of herself, but you'll soon realize that people only care about themselves and their happiness, and have NO IDEA (and some have no compassion) about what we have gone through and what it's like to lose their baby.

 

[TraceC]

Gosh that sounds terrible, so sorry for your loss. Wow she does sound awful, my friend isn't that bad, so I guess that helps me put it into perspective now. Thank you for sharing with me. Wishing lots of sticky baby dust xx

 

[MRS_HJO]

It doesn't matter the degree of insensitivity, it all hurts when we are going through hell. I hope you get your forever baby soon, and I'm very sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

 

[addy1]

Sorry to both of you for your losses, (and sorry you have the SIL from h$#@)

I found out my friend was pregnant and due the same time as us. We were a week or two apart. I still am having a hard time even talking to her, let alone seeing her. It is nothing that she did, but I just can't come to terms with it yet. I know it will be okay once I am pregnant again, but until then, I am being quite distant.

Any loss is hard, and everyone handles things differently. I hope you both find peace soon, and am wishing you loads of babydust!!

Addy

 

[hulagirl]

Sorry your friend didnt think before she spoke.
My o/h sil and us were at a family barbcue, when she leans over and in one breath says "sorry to hear about you guys, oh and by the way i am pregnant and due when you would of been"... wtf
I would not of minded so much but she was 14 weeks then and when asked why she waited to tell the family then her answer was " in case what happened to You guys happend to me"

The other thing that annoyed me was the family knew what had happened to me and she thought that annoucing this at a family barbecue without a little prior warning, then getting annnoyed and upset when after telling her congrats, me and o/h got a little upset.

Ah that feels better
Thank you
xx

 

[MRS_HJO]

OMG hulagirl! Seriously?! How awful! See, people just don't think before they speak, or they are only thinking of themselves... So sorry she said that.

 

[Mellybelle]

You arent being over the top at all. Its so, so hard to deal with others pregnancies. Its not that we want them to miscarry, its just that...well, its supposed to be us!
Please remember that its very rare for anyone to understand our pain unless they have been here where we are. Most people dont mean to be insensitive.
I hate complete strangers in the street because they are pregnant and I'm not. I want to know why they get to keep their babies and mine die. I dont really know how long this bitterness lasts. I just know that we arent evil for thinking the way we do. We dont have any control over these feelings. I just know its not fair.

 

[puppycat]

My Nan keeps banging on about my loss over Christmas - she says isn't it a good job it didn't work out because how would I manage...? Yeh great, I feel so thankful to hav lost my baby and then constantly be reminded.

Yes people are insensitive but I tend to find if you tell people how they have made you feel they will be surprised and sorry xx

 

[ZoMo]

I am stuck in a bit of a hard place at the moment. One of my best friends became pregnant without even trying last year. She texted me and of course I texted back that I was thrilled for her but I cried for hours. Then I could not even be in the same room with her at work, she was constantly talking about it with everyone which I suppose I would be too if I was her. I explained to her I couldnt even look at her and why and she was good about it and toned it down slightly for a day or two, then reverted to shouting (literally) about it all around the office. Not too long ago we went out for lunch and I was explaining how hard I found it to even see pregnant women as it was something I want so badly and so I was grateful when she changed the subject but then she finished lunch by saying she wanted to go to the shop next door because she was picking out baby clothes and wanted to show me??!!!! WTF????!!! This morning she has gone into labour a month early. I feel bad as I have cut off all contact since my last m/c mid april and she wanted to be there for me but I just couldnt handle seeing her 7 month bump. She didnt text to let me know about this morning, I found out from someone else. But I know that I should be supportive although it will literally break my heart when I have to see her, and hold her baby when both of mine died. And I am struggling with that and desperate to get pregnant again but no joy last month. I know she has been insensitive but she has also tried to be there for me all along and now I am the one who feels insensitive for pushing her away.

 

[jamhs]

So sorry for all your losses. I wish it wasn't something that we had in common. People really can be insensitive to what we are going through, and unfortunately unless it happened to them they will never know or realise just how insensitive they are being, even when they think they are trying to be comforting. With me, I have two little boys and my lost my 3rd baby and everyone- including the consultant at hospital just after my d&c- told me oh well, at least you've already got kids. I know how blessed I am to have them, but I still lost my baby and all my dreams and plans for our family along with.

 

[kiki04]

I lost my baby on thursday and today, just 3 days later is my friends daughters 1st bday. I'm not going because its too fresh, hurtful etc etc I think what your friend did to you was awful and selfish. You are entitled to feel the way you are feeling. I am very sorry about your loss and I will send you some baby dust for your new miracle waiting to happen.

 

[Neversaynever]

Sorry for all our losses...

It is so true that unless you have had a loss yourself, you have NO idea what people are going through.

I have good days and bad days and it has been three months since my loss. I still have complete meltdowns about my loss but I am determined to more positive.

Come and vent on here with people that understand and that are able to support you

A XxX

 

[MsJMouse]

My friend did something similar a couple of weeks after my loss, she announced she was very early days pregnant with her third and it was an opps baby. I have only seen her once since then (which just happened to be two months to the day since I had lost my baby) and ended up a complete mess after three hours of listening to her talk about her children and her pregnancy to everyone. I haven't seen her since even though she is a good friend as I can't bear to see her pregnant and I am not.

Some days are good and some days it is hard. I am hoping that I will not feel like this for ever as I kinda hate the way I feel. If someone hasn't been in this situation they can't understand it and don't realise they are being insensitive.

 

[gingercat]

to all of you. I miscarried our first baby in February and honestly it was the worst experience of my life. Everything upset me..and sometimes still does. I think what annoys me the most is how smug people are 'I'm going to have two children...I want to have my children by the time I'm X years old...' Thoughtless people who never think for one second that babies aren't mail-order. You don't just get them whenever you want them. The hardest emotion I've had to deal with is the feeling of being a failure. Yes, I know it's not my fault but I feel like it anyway. I miscarried my husbands baby so I feel like a failure to his family..nobody in his family has had miscarriages..I feel like it was some sort of weakness on my part. It is only after a few months that I am not red raw..though still have a little weep about it now and again. Even though I got a lot of sympathy at the time, it was as though they gave me a week's official mourning and then THEY were ready to move on and not to talk about it anymore. THEIR grieving was over. We are strong women who can get through this!!! We are better than the kind of people who make those thoughtless remarks. I am completely focussing on the future now and I know that it will be a happy, healthy, baby-filled one for all of us. Baby dust to you all and prayers that our next pregnancy will be successful xxx

 

[DaisyBee]

Sorry for everyone's loss.

My mil is very insensitive. I had lots of emotional days after the miscarriage. DH was stressed from the miscarriage & from work. He deals with the miscarriage different than I do - he just snaps quicker (temper) and gets grumpy where as I just want to cry.
We had a bit of a fight in front of my inlaws (over something silly & ridiculous but he was grumpy & I burst out crying. I left the house to go outside & get some air so I didnt have to cry in front of my sil & mil & fil. My mil then yelled at my dh in front of my 1 year old! We later told mil we were having a tough time dealing w/ things & she said "life sucks - you just have to suck it up & deal w/ it".
I later told her how insensitive she had been - that dh would have liked to talk a bit about being upset & stressed. She said she didnt think he would talk about it with her (well how would she know if she says crap like that?) I told her how worried we are & we both feel like its our fault (of course its not - but hard not to feel like that). She says basically we will have more children (& she knows this how?) and so&so had 3 miscarriages so I have nothing to complain about yet. And at least they were early on. And its all for the best. And maybe i cant just carry boys. It wasnt meant to be.

Its very hard for dh to deal w/ his feelings about the miscarriages when his own mom can be so insensitive about it. On the other hand his sister just had a breakup & his mom is over the top compassionate about that. Go figure.

 

[Mellybelle]

She says basically we will have more children (& she knows this how?) and so&so had 3 miscarriages so I have nothing to complain about yet. And at least they were early on. And its all for the best. And maybe i cant just carry boys. It wasnt meant to be.

I hate people telling me stories like that!!! "So-and-so had x amount of miscarriages and still got a healthy baby." "Blah-blah was much further along than you."
Do people tell us these stories to give us some kind of hope?? Its just further proof that they have NO idea how we are feeling.
My mother is a champion for telling me these shitty stories. If I hear another one i'll explode.

 

[Neversaynever]

She says basically we will have more children (& she knows this how?) and so&so had 3 miscarriages so I have nothing to complain about yet. And at least they were early on. And its all for the best. And maybe i cant just carry boys. It wasnt meant to be.

I hate people telling me stories like that!!! "So-and-so had x amount of miscarriages and still got a healthy baby." "Blah-blah was much further along than you."
Do people tell us these stories to give us some kind of hope?? Its just further proof that they have NO idea how we are feeling.
My mother is a champion for telling me these shitty stories. If I hear another one i'll explode.

I had this yesterday....AGAIN

It was your first, most people mc their first...oh that's ok then my response was actually, 1 in 4 PREGNANCYS end in mc and 1 in 3 when you're over 35 (insert two sticking up fingers emoticon here)

My mom was 41 when she got pregnant with X....oh that's ok then too

Makes me so mad

XxX

 

[justwaiting]

my mum said today you dh did his bit and got u pregnant so we just assume it's ur fault. u gotta be kidding me from my own mother. she said she didn't mean it that way and she didn't blame but she assumes if there is a problem it'll be my fault. as if i didn't feel guilty or responsible already I know know everyone else assumes it's my fault too