How insensitive can people be...?

[Neversaynever]

my mum said today you dh did his bit and got u pregnant so we just assume it's ur fault. u gotta be kidding me from my own mother. she said she didn't mean it that way and she didn't blame but she assumes if there is a problem it'll be my fault. as if i didn't feel guilty or responsible already I know know everyone else assumes it's my fault too

Hey, you do know that it was NOT your fault don't you

I'm sorry for your losses and I'm sorry you have to listen to ignorant comments too.

Take no prisoners and tell people to back off

XxX

 

[scenicbee]

How awful for you both, some people really have no idea and it's your closest friends that you think and hope are the ones to be their for you.
I have so many instances when people have said and done things that are so hurtful and yeah they may not mean to,but it still hurts.
Hang in there.X

 

[hellypops]

I am so sorry that as well as having to go through a mc you are all faced with insensitive and ignorant people.I have found since my mc everyone around me thinks they are a expert on the subject.They seem to think they know what i am going through.well i'm sorry, but unless you have been through it you have no idea and never will. this was my 1st mc and i had no idea just how hard it really is.
my mom has been amazing but she has been through it 3 times before as well so she truely understands. my mil and sil have not been through it before.they clearly dont understand how much it has devestated me and DH as after a week they refuse to even acknowledge that the babies were ever there. comments like 'it just wasn't meant to be this time' dont help.why wasn't it meant to be?they cant answer that with their wisdom on mc can they!
I have also been told 'well you have 2 already you didn't need any more did you?' i may not have needed more children,but i wanted my babies so badly.
Someone said to me the other day 'most women don't even realise they have had mc when it happens early,just don't test so early next time.' there was no mistaking my mc,i saw the sac.and when you are ttc it is no so easy to 'not test' as early as you can.
I wish people would think before they speak.
at least we can all come here to vent and we all understand what we are going through.
sending you all big hugs

 

[Mellybelle]

I especially hate 'it wasnt meant to be'. The fact is it WAS meant to be. Yes, something went wrong, but that doesnt mean I should be ok about it, or less sad. Our babies were meant to be.

 

[TraceC]

I especially hate 'it wasnt meant to be'. The fact is it WAS meant to be. Yes, something went wrong, but that doesnt mean I should be ok about it, or less sad. Our babies were meant to be.

I agree with you on that 110%!!! That is the one that pisses me off the most I think. Every child that is concieved is meant to be. AS far as that comment goes, it feel like saying, ok so someone who dies in an accident or of a illness...they weren't meant to be? Cause to me a Fetus is a person, its alive, and has a heart neat just like anyone else, they deserve equal treatment.

 

[happy2b]

On the day my hubby and I heard the news from our gynae that my baby has gone, it was the hardest time in my life. I couldn't even stand the sight of those patients in the gynae waiting room I had to go outside as the tears kept flowing unstoppably. It took me sometime to overcome the pain of seeing pregnant women & babies.

Like many other women, I never thought this would happen to me.

I'm grateful that our good friends here helped us to open our eyes. They shared with us about someone they know who was also had a m/c. I lost my baby during its 9 weeks in my womb. Another women experienced it in earlier or later stages. A friend of mine told me she had 2 m/c before getting her 2nd son. A close relative of mine loss her 18 yo daughter after sudden sickness and being hospitalized for 1 week. After many years the mother is still mourning over it.

Every story is different. Be it the loss of 2 weeks, 9 weeks, 8 months, newborn, toddler, teenager, adult.. it surely carries an unbearable pain when you lose the one you love.

It made me realise that I'm not alone in overcoming this feeling of loss. Share it with the people you trust will help to ease the burden.
As for those who are insensitive, maybe it's because they do not have enough empathy.

There's no positive effect in keeping the sadness in our heart for too long. The sooner you overcome the sadness, the better.

 

[Faith2781]

Hmm I had a few insensitive incidents! My best firend basically telling me my ectopic was my own fault because I had lost too much weight (may I point out that yes I did lose a lot of weight last year but once I was pregnant in August I upped my calories to compensate). And another friend who decided by xmas (after the ectopic loss in mid October) that she couldn't believe I was still grieveing and stopped coming round!

The best person in the world besides my housemate who was amazingly supportive, was my SIL who's baby was born 4 days after my termination!!! I love my niece but the first time I held her I went home and cried!!

 

[Faith2781]

I especially hate 'it wasnt meant to be'. The fact is it WAS meant to be. Yes, something went wrong, but that doesnt mean I should be ok about it, or less sad. Our babies were meant to be.

I agree with you on that 110%!!! That is the one that pisses me off the most I think. Every child that is concieved is meant to be. AS far as that comment goes, it feel like saying, ok so someone who dies in an accident or of a illness...they weren't meant to be? Cause to me a Fetus is a person, its alive, and has a heart neat just like anyone else, they deserve equal treatment.

First thing my own mother said to me!
Totally agree that it is the worst thing in the world to hear!

 

[Semanthia]

I don't think you are being over the top. You have every right to be upset and hurt. Even though she is excited she should of shown a little empathy towards your situation. People who have not experienced a loss don't get it. I have a friend who's sister in law is due a week and a half after I would be due if I were still pregnant and she invited me to her shower. I couldn't bring myself to go and my close friend ( who is also friends with this girl) called her out on it. The girl still didn't understand. Her sister in law is having a girl and is due close to my due date and it wouldn't be fair to that girl if I broke down crying at her shower a time of joy for her.
It is ok to vent!

 

[Afamilygal]

what the hell is wrong with these people? what COWS! I truly cant understand how anyone could be so insensitive or un-empathetic... dreadful...

I do know that having had a mc I feel much more connected to women who have been through it too and I have a deeper level of compassion about children and loss that I think is a good thing to have. (there are very few good things that come out of losing our babies) but that is one.

It is so much better to be the woman who has compassion and empathy than the one who could be so heartless.

And as far as "it was meant to be" I hate that- thats the kind of thing that needs to come from within us if we chose to believe it but I think it really boils down to is that people who don't understand have no idea what to say...

for all of you who feel alone and disconnected, know that we all understand. (and feeling irrational anger or envy of women who have lovely bumps or perfect babies is totally normal- we envy it because we want it for ourselves, nothing wrong with that)

and to all!!

 

[Sunshine31]

Lots of SIL stories - what is it about SILs??

I had my ERPC (at 10 weeks) the day before my SIL's 20 week scan. The whole family knew what my husband and I were going through but SIL still felt it was appropriate to text me a scan pic of her "perfect baby" the day of the scan - ie the day after my op! Don't get my wrong I'm very happy about her pregnancy but please!

Hugs to all of you. At least we'll know what NOT to say when someone tells us their sad news. And when we do get our babies it'll be all the sweeter xx

 

[Chelsea .x.]

My sister in law and i found out we were pregnant around the same time, and i could not have been happier - i found out at 4 weeks on the 8th march (my baby left me at 13 weeks and 1 day however i was told at 10 weeks 3days i lost it at 7 weeks 4days) she found out she was 5 weeks on the 22nd march it couldnt of got better ! or so i thought -
It aches every day to know that her baby is growing nice and healthy and mine was so cruelly taken away.

I am starting to feel genuinelly happy for her now because i can't wait to meet my new niece or nephew. She has also been brilliant with me through what happened - so i can tell you that it does get easier and you will start to feel truly happy for that person.


BabyB2011.

 

[jojo23]

oh hun im so sorry that is very insensitive!! i really hope she has realised how this has upset you. 4 weeks is super early to be telling people... just keep in mind that maybe she has been trying for a long time perhaps?? its so hard cause she's a friend but maybe distance yourself for a little while... hope your ok xxx