How soon...

[Hellylou]

Hi lovely ladies,

Just wondering how soon you went back to work (if applicable) after your loss? It has been 2 and a half weeks since delivery, and a week since d & e operation, plus other complications. I have been signed off next week also, but I'm not sure how I will even know when I should go back. I don't think anyone will pressure me to go back, but just interested to know how long you were off work...

Thanks and hugs

P.S. Oh, and just to add, I work as a welfare benefits advisor to the public, dealing with homelessness, state benefits, taxes, disability help, and local council services, so I deal with a wide range of peoples' problems...

 

[SabrinaKat]

Can you go back PT just for a week or so, to 'test the waters'?

I had an m/c at 7-8 wks tow years ago and I was able to take a week or so off; then my lovely immediate boss cut my hours for a few weeks, which was great; I went back to a regular schedule after about 6 weeks. I work in further education and my students were fantastic; if I felt that I was getting upset, I could 'go outside and get a book we needed', e.g. run to the bathroom or stand in the stair-well and cry a bit....

best wishes

 

[mhazzab]

I'm still off work, 14 weeks later. I qualified for maternity leave, as one of my girls was born alive, although she lived for just a few minutes. I plan to go back in 6 weeks, as that is when my pay drops

to be honest, I have felt for about a month now, that I could have gone back if I had to. But I thought, seeing as they were paying me my full wage, why not stay off and make sure I am really ready before going back.

don't let anyone rush you into returning, make sure you are ready. it's still so early for you, I don't think I could have done it after 2.5 weeks. xxx

 

[kam78]

Hi Hellylou

That decision is ultimately up to you my dear ...

I lost my daughter 6 months ago... I was @20 weeks along when she was taken away ...

I was able to take 6 full weeks off and I was and still am very thankful and greatful I was able ... Gave me extra time, to have to face all the sorrowful stares, the whispers, the "i'm sorry's", the newborns that are out there and man! I'm telling ya, there are a ton... I had a horrible time with all those ...

You take as much or as lil time as you need .... I have talked with some mothers that needed to just get back to normalcy and to not have all that "thinking time" on their hands ...

Either way is perfect fine, no rights or wrongs in this journey

We're always here for ya!!!

 

[winterwonder]

I think you'll know when your ready. I delivered my little boy just over three weeks ago (no major complications) and i went back to work this week, because i was well enough and was basically just stewing in my grief at home, at work (i'm a hca at a hospital) i was just able to get on with it plus getting back to work meant i used more energy which meant i slept so much better than i had been.

But i know that i'm not ready for any social situations or able to properly talk on the phone to people still.

At some point your body will begin to feel better and and will let you know in its own way that your ready for more,

 

[SarahJane]

I took 7 weeks off. The first week was in hospital and sorting things and I did that with no sicknote. (I think work gave me compassionate leave) I then got signed off for 4 weeks initially as I had a funeral to sort and they felt physically I needed to recover from the labour also. I went back to the doctor when the note ran out with the intention to go back to work but for some silly reason cried as I was late for the appointment. He told me that if I couldn't even get to the doctor without crying, I wasn't in a fit state to go back so he refused to let me go back and signed me off for another 2 weeks. He told me to go and see friends and to go shopping and to try to do normal things. After that he gave me a note for work to say I should be phased back in gradually.

I work with people talking about death a lot (life assurance) so it wasn't the best job to go back to emotionally.

Only you will know when you are ready. Don't rush things. One thing I learnt was that being away for 7 weeks the world of work didn't stop turning. They can, and will have to, cope without you so please don't go back just because you feel you have to.

Hugs babe xxx

 

[Hellylou]

Thanks ladies, as ever.

I deal with bereaved people also, as part of my job, and I tend to get people crying and getting upset during interviews, so I know I need to be emotionally a lot stronger than I am at the moment.

Yesterday I wanted to go in to work just to sit in the back office and see my colleagues again, who have been lovely, sending flowers and cards and texts, but I sat outside with my mum in the car and cried. I just couldn't go in. And I have started to get upset seeing pregnant women and babies. I thought, and hoped, I wouldn't feel like that, and I didn't at first, but all of a sudden it's hit me.

I hope this isn't going to get worse...so much of me wants normality, but at the same time slotting back into my old life is going to feel so empty and wrong.

 

[SarahJane]

If you still feel that way then please don't go back. You will end up setting yourself back even further and having even longer off at a later time.

Allow yourself time to grieve babe xxxx

 

[Hellylou]

If you still feel that way then please don't go back. You will end up setting yourself back even further and having even longer off at a later time.

Allow yourself time to grieve babe xxxx

I cried just reading that. I think you are right. Thank you x

 

[kam78]

Thanks ladies, as ever.

I deal with bereaved people also, as part of my job, and I tend to get people crying and getting upset during interviews, so I know I need to be emotionally a lot stronger than I am at the moment.

Yesterday I wanted to go in to work just to sit in the back office and see my colleagues again, who have been lovely, sending flowers and cards and texts, but I sat outside with my mum in the car and cried. I just couldn't go in. And I have started to get upset seeing pregnant women and babies. I thought, and hoped, I wouldn't feel like that, and I didn't at first, but all of a sudden it's hit me.

I hope this isn't going to get worse...so much of me wants normality, but at the same time slotting back into my old life is going to feel so empty and wrong.[/QUOT

I lost my Emma on a Friday (bearly after midnight) and was sent home from the hospital , upon my request and once I got home I went to the stupid store to buy nursing pads, my milk had came in and was leaking already : ( BUT I can't believe I actually went to the store!! Everyone was telling me to just go home and get in bed but I couldn't.... Now, I know I was in SHOCK ...big time but at the time, I thought... "Hm, I can handle this" ...

Whew! Was I wrong! Once shock wore off, I was 100% miserable... So depressed I couldn't leave the house without having a melt down & crying , ecspecially seeing every freakin' pregnant woman or baby.. and man, there was a ton of them all of a sudden! I just hid... I asked my friends to please give me time, I pushed them all away, not sure if that was the smartest thing but I needed time, and time for my body to heal as well... after all, I did just give birth, just like everyone else but I didn't get to bring mine home

But here I sit, 6 months down the road and I am NOT gonna sugar coat things or make it seem all roses cuz it's not... It is better but no where near like I was... You will have your days babe ... Some good and some bad...I think the thing I say the most is " I miss the old Kelly" but then everyone including myself reminds me, I am still Kelly, just a new version and I'll never be the old me again ... I have to learn to be ok with that and so do my friends... I used to be a social butterfly, first one out the door, ready to just go, do anything , but now, I catch myself staying home more, I never wanna visit friends, so they have a lot of getting accustomed to as well, and trust me, not all of them was patient, and we no longer speak.... but it's all ok ...

These last few months I have learned so much and changed a ton but guess that is just part of life ... You just keep rolling with what you've been given .. That's what I keep reminding myself ..

You are truly a strong, brave woman... and never forget that!!

I just know all of our lil ones will be playing together today!!

 

[kam78]

Well ... I obviously don't know what I'm doing trying to post on here!

I somehow got the tail end of your post tacked onto the beginning of mine... Hahaha! Yep ladies, Now THAT takes some talent!!!

I'm telling ya, I am sooooo new to these forum sites... My gosh, should be Forums101 for Dummies for MEEEEEEEE

Hahahaha

 

[Hellylou]

It's ok, I knew what you were doing!

Thanks for the support. I think I am just wishing all the pain away and for things to be ok again. And the milk...!!! When I got the milk a few days after, no one warned me, and that hit me like a ton of bricks, it was horrible. I used to love that prickly feeling when I fed my first two, but this was the most awful feeling ever, the leaking and engorged soreness...ugh So cruel...

They gave me pills to dry it up, which lowered my blood pressure to a dangerous point and I ended up collapsing in the bathroom, just out cold. My husband was banging on the door a full minute and I was out for the count. He was about to break the door down when I came round and managed to unlock the door and let him in. That put me in hospital another 4 days (including the d & e) and I had a terrible reaction to the anaesthetic to top it all off, leaving me mostly paralysed for 48 hours. I think I should write a book!

I went out today just to get a paper and buy a card for my friend who has just had a little boy...and all I could think of was how wierd I felt just being there, just out. Like there was everyone else in the world, and then me. I sincerely hope I'm not going crazy, because that's the last thing I need. Or maybe a dose of madness would be a blessing

 

[kam78]

No one told me/ warned me about my milk coming in... I just never thought about that part and then a few days after delivery.... WHAM! Wow, was I knocked for a loop! I think that is when my spiral into depression began ... And yes, to this day I still struggle with that ugle word ... but very true ...

Isn't it amazing how alike we all are, feel & think... I am so completely blessed to each and everyone of you! I have tried talking with 2 different counselors and it did nothing for me, but the day I stumbled into this website and a once a month support group at my local hospital... I actually feel like I really ain't going crazy : ))

Xoxo!!!

 

[collie_crazy]

Like others have said everyone will be different - we will all find different ways for dealing with grief. It will be 10 weeks on Sunday since I delivered Emily sleeping - my sick note runs out on Tuesday, my days off are Wednesday and Thursday so I will be going back to work on Friday. I am already stressing out about it and feel like I am going to lose it. I have been in 2 weeks ago for a visit to see colleauges etc and coped OK but did cry.

But I need to go back. I am on half pay at the moment already which I cant really afford (have been since Aug 10th) and I'm due to go onto no pay from 10th October which is NOT going to pay the mortgage

I have had other things to deal with as well - I had an abscess that required a general anaesthetic and 2 nights stay in hospital 4 weeks ago. Then the ERPC 2 weeks ago. And my mum has been in hospital for the last 4 weeks undergoing 4 major surgeries so to say I have been stressed is an understatement - there is no way I could have went back to work any earlier.

At the same time as I dont want to go back however I get the feeling I was still feel the same next week, next month or even next year. I think its time I just need to face it and get on with it

Personally I think its way too soon for you hunny. You need to make sure you feel strong in yourself. And yes sometimes it does get worse before it gets any better - maybe its true what they say 'the darkest hour is just before the dawn'. At first I was fine with seeing babies and pregnant woman but now I stop and stare at them and can feel tears in my eyes - thinking Emily will never have that, why couldnt she have that?

 

[collie_crazy]

Oh I didnt read the second page before I replied But just wanted to say I felt the strangeness of being out as well. I remember going for a pub lunch with OH and bursting into tears because everyone was laughing and getting on with their lives - I said to OH - why is the world still going? It feels wrong. Like everything is revolving around you but you are stood still in the middle of it all and you just want to scream at everybody and everyone to STOP. Just stop.

So either you are not going crazy - or we are both going crazy