How to accept the new woman?

[Kayley]

Hey
So my ex fiancé left me last December, it was a massive shock as I thought we were so in love, I found out later in the year he had been cheating and now a year on this girl lives with him and they are engaged. She plays quite an active role in my daughters life as myself and her dad agreed on joint custody (reluctantly)

I can only see this girl as a home wrecker, I don't like her and I don't trust her - I have never met her as she has never had the courtesy to introduce herself to me, instead hiding upstairs whenever I drop my DD off.

I've had a hard time this year, myself and DDs dad have had countless arguments and disagreements, he doesn't understand the hurt he caused me and I know deep down I still love him even if I don't like him as a person any more. I've also had other really tough times this year in other parts of my life which haven't helped at all.

DDs dad told me that his new fiancée was not going to be around yesterday on Xmas day, however he lied as when I went to drop DD off low and behold her car was sat in the drive.
His mum answered the door and I was so fuming I kicked off at her a little (which I regret because it's not his mums fault)

I just hate thinking of this girl playing a motherly role in my daughters life! I am her one and only mother! However I know she's not going any where and the hurt and resentment and anger and bitterness I am feeling is not helping anybody - it just makes things worse and I don't want my daughter picking up on the bad vibes

So my question is what can I do to let myself accept this new woman this homewrecker in my baby girls life?

 

[sandilion]

I think its really lousy on your Ex for not ensuring you have met and got to know this other woman who is now in your child's life. That is very stupid and cold on his behalf. it's one thing if he doesn't want to be with you anymore, but you are still your LO's mother and should be respected as such. I do not blame you at all for how you feel towards this other woman now, especially if she has made no effort to get to know you. But i really feel this s all your Ex's fault, as he should be organizing a meeting between you both to clear the air.

I would be almost willing to refuse to drop my LO off until I have met the new woman and you have sat down and had a coffee together or something. As hard and awkward it will be, you never know it very well could be the one thing that helps you cope better with all of this. You will finally be respected and acknowledged as the mother of your LO. And you never know, if she is nice - then it very well could bring you ease on who your child is being left with.

It sounds like you're really suffering with all of this, and i can only imagine how upset it makes you feel. Do you think you could handle a meeting with her? Have you asked to meet her as yet?

Sadly, this negativity going on and resentment will be obvious to your LO, as she will get older and more aware and will catch on to the emotions you are suffering. You don;t want to show your daughter you are bitter - don't you want her to learn from you how to rise above things and be the bigger person? You're her soul role model. And you will always be her mummy.

I really feel an arranged meet up is urgently required here as a step towards coping and moving forward.

 

[Kayley]

Thank you for your reply ��

I have suggested meeting up several times over the year and have been refused every time she will not give me the time of day, even this morning I text saying about meeting up and having an adult conversation but the ex text back and said he wouldn't even mention it to her because he knows what the answer would be (the fact I called her a homewrecker yesterday didn't help but I was angry/upset)

I will just have to let things settle and wait for the air to clear for a while I guess

 

[Kayley]

Ps the ex is the coldest person I know! He doesn't compromise with anything and has made it clear he will not talk to me about anything but the DD - even when I had to ask him to have DD because I had to go for an MRI scan he was so cold and heartless toward me, I really think he feels his life would be a lot easier if I was dead.

Not only that but he completely dropped my eldest DD who looked at him as a step father for 6 years and will not have anything to do with her any more because she isn't his child - thankfully my eldest DD had her own dad who is a decent man! But she does talk about the ex a lot and I think she misses him.

 

[Shezza84uk]

Its a shame he isn't helping situations, my advice is time to switch it up no more being nice! If you cant meet her he cant have your daughter.. Its that simply he wants to play hard then so do you, at the end of the day she is caring for your child in your absence she came into your lives so they need to have the courtesy of an introduction.

If he then threaten court action ask him if he thinks the judge will take his side considering its a valid request, he's fortunate its you some would have been much worst

 

[Mummy1995]

I agree. No way in hell would I allow my daughter to be in the care of someone I've never met!! You need to stick up for yourself hun! Tell him if he wants to see his daughter he can go to your house or somewhere public til him and his fiancé agree for you to meet her! X

 

[Yo_Yo]

You sound well shot of him. Sounds like a real gent.

The whole thing has been handled badly on his part.

Dropping your eldest like that is really mean to a child too.

I'd do things how you want to do them with regards to contact, don't give in and do anything your not 100% happy with.
This other woman should take a back seat for the time being.

 

[Kayley]

It's difficult to say he can't see her though as I work full time and his mum looks after her after preschool every day.
He and his fiancée lives with his mum. So unless I quit work and take DD out of preschool (his mum is the manager there and he's the chair person!) I can't do anything about them seeing her!
Also DD loves her grandma so much it wouldn't be fair on DD to stop that contact.

I'm in a no win situation and he knows it! He manipulates me and is very good at mind games.

We had an argument about Xmas day because he wanted her half hour before the time I said I would drop her round, the argument went on for weeks and I stood my ground the whole time until he convinced me it was so important to him and his mum and grandad that he would drop a day if he had to - so me being stupid gave in and agreed! When I asked him if it was ok for me to have DD on Sunday (we each have her every other weekend!) he said no chance!!

I'm just too easy to walk all over - I have no idea what to do.

 

[Dream.dream]

Id keep insisting on meeting . If he's truly going to be with her forever then all 3 of your are co parenting and all parties need to be able to communicate about your daughter in the long run so she has consistent parenting .

Have you thought about some Counselling for yourself ? Might be good to have a place to work through your feelings about the situation so you can move forward without the anger and hurt .

 

[Mummy1995]

Is there nothing a court/mediation can do? X

 

[cookette]

I'm sure I'm going to get flamed, but I'm going to put in another perspective...

I completely agree your ex is a %%&*. Hands down. Considering they will likely be married, is it worth burning bridges? Honestly I avoided my husbands ex wife for a while in the beginning too because I truly felt it wasn't my place to be involved with her, I felt Id be sticking my nose in, etc.

You admit you may deep down still love him. Believe you me, I was well aware my DHs ex still lived him and for the sake if being civil for SD I removed myself from situations for the sake of keeping peace.

I'd be genuinely interested to hear the other side if this story. Is he a deadbeat loser for cheating on you? Undoubtedly, and thank the Lord you rid yourself of him! Do you have the right band DUTY to ensure your child is in safe hands? Absolutely.

I still think there's more to this.

 

[Kayley]

Thank you cookette

The thing is my post was never about stopping contact etc with DDs dad, he is a loser for cheating, he broke my heart and crushed all my hopes and dreams it was unexpected and unexplained - a year on I still blame myself I still want to know what I done wrong. In the first place I handled the situation wrong, I was angry, hurt and upset and I just wanted my ex to explain why I deserved how he treated me.
In the first few months I was so sad when I didn't have my girls and I was all alone I turned to alcohol and I would text him declaring my love and how much I missed him, I just wanted to know what I had done wrong and wanted him to know how hurt I was.
This was obviously a pain for him and his new girl.

His new fiancée is a lot younger than him and immature, she would use his phone to text me really insensitive things or would email me on Facebook. She had great pleasure in texting me to tell me they were engaged. In the first instance I retailiated but I soon realised it was NOT helping me move on so I blocked her on Facebook and never responded to her messages. I even apologised to him for anything that I had said that had caused strain.

I stopped unnecessary contact (anything unrelated to DD) around August time when I met another guy but he wasn't right for me so we didn't see each other long - I realised then I couldn't get another man until I was fully over the ex. I was also going through another REALLY horrible time and before the ex would've helped me through it.

I don't know if I look at our relationship with rosé tinted glasses, my friends tell me my ex was controlling and manipulative and I never liked the way he spoke to his family and friends with such disrespect but the bottom line is I loved him and love is a hard thing to break when it's been thrust upon you.

So yes I wasn't the model ex fiancée but I missed him, I missed planning our wedding and I was completely and utterly jealous of the new girl who I saw as a homewrecker and taken my place.

However, putting my feelings aside, I could never deny that he is a pretty decent dad, he is good with DD and they have a great bond (he's not a great person as he still did just drop my eldest DD saying he didn't want to tell his new girl he had 2 children!) I could never bring myself to take that away from DD I'm not the bad person in this, I don't want to have 50/50 custody I want my girls all the time but I want both my DDs to grow up knowing I did what was right and fair no matter how hard it is for me.

So my post wasn't about how do I change things but more how do I accept them? Maybe I should have asked, how do I make myself feel better and stop caring that my youngest DD is with another family, a family who tore me to pieces?

 

[Kayley]

Sorry that was long x

 

[Shezza84uk]

I don't feel someone who is not a single parent and have never been in your shoes has any place commenting here, I am not encouraging stopping contact but simply removing his new fiance from your daughters life until you have met her! This might mean him agreeing via courts she is absent during his access times or him being a civilized human being thinking ahead of himself as you are doing to ensure his relationship with your daughter by ensuring you have met this person being involved in your daughters life..

You cannot change the past but rebuild your future, you are better off without him that is clear however allowing him to control and manipulate you by being an ass is not in your best interest or your daughters interest...

Lets put a spin on things, the moment you meet someone he will try to muscle in on who is around his child because he clearly has controlling tendencies and surely you being the calm rational person will feel its his right as a father to meet this new person in your life? correct??

This is not about acceptance or the issue of you having feelings for him, that is unavoidable you share a child. In your mind its an unresolved issue because he just up and left without explanation.. believe me I have experience this to the core I too had a fiance who left 2 weeks before the wedding without an explanation! I too have been there, I too have made decisions best for my children. I have never denied him contact he is however slightly different he keeps his flings/ GF's away from our children the day he marries I am very open to a co-parenting relationship however if I cant meet her she cant meet my kids does that make me a bitter ex? surly not!

Do not be manipulated anymore, you are already accepting of the situation by allowing visitation without the courtesy of meeting her! It is not an invalid request when you have children involved all the crap goes out the window you have been tolerant please stop blaming yourself for it all you have done nothing wrong!!

He is using his position of authority over you, time to make a change and demand respect as the mother of his child! Go to mediation and insist it is written that until you have met his new partner she is not allowed access to your child which doesn't mean he isn't allowed to see your DD it just means she leaves when your child is there until she grows up!

How much more accepting can you be? You have accepted their relationship haven't you? Yes you are hurt and its unresolved but you have not interfered in their lives, the issue is some unknown person is playing mum to your child. If you met her as adults and were assured she is a caring person by seeing how your child reacts to her that would put your mind at rest, I cant see room for more negotiation on your part you have already done your best to be civil..

 

[cookette]

Oh love, that's awful. Ugh. I think that clarifies, I had thought in the first post you were saying she just avoided you completely and that was it. Her behavior is ridiculous online, clearly. And its big of you to see that maybe you didn't act a queen in the past but you've identified that and moved on. I give you kudos, the entire situation is more than I can wrap my head around.

I hope you can find peace with them...it sounds like you may be the only one with a head on your shoulders in this situation!

 

[Mummy1995]

I completely agree with Shezza84uk. Mediation could help definitely. Also, maybe I'm paranoid but you hear way too many horror stories about exs partners hurting/killing kids. And that really really scares me! X

 

[daneuse27]

Great post from shezza84uk. I think that the new fiance hasn't just given you the cold shoulder, she's been blatantly cruel to you. It must be so hard having a complete stranger who has been unkind play happy families with your precious babies. I would not let this continue any longer. Go to a mediator or lawyer and have the decision made that she's not to have access to your daughter until you BOTH as parents approve of her.

your ex sounds nasty, and I don't think he's such a great dad I'm sorry. A great dad doesn't betray his family and cause the mother of his child so much pain and misery.

 

[sandilion]

your ex sounds nasty, and I don't think he's such a great dad I'm sorry. A great dad doesn't betray his family and cause the mother of his child so much pain and misery.

This! (well your whole post, but I want to highlight this part) No good father treats the mother of his children so shockingly. He is causing you unnecessary misery and distress. Fine, he wants to be with this other women. So be it. Nothing can change that. But all the rest is completely unnecessary and cruel.

And of course you have got mouthy about the new woman, and she needs to expect that too after stepping in and assisting in tearing up your family. It sounds like she is too weak to see you in person now. Because deep down inside, she knows she has been a complete troll. And facing you will mean she will have to face everything she has done.

Do not let this go on anymore. Its not fair you are made to feel forced into a corner with this, that you have no say or rights. I am sorry if you have already covered this, but is anyone on your side of the family able to watch your LO while you work, until a FAIR decision is made?

I think its so amazing you are so selfless with your children. But im sure your LO wont be traumatized if they go a few days or weeks without seeing Grandma whilst mummy puts her foot down and no longer stands for being bullied. In fact, this is all part of being a good role model for our children. Set the example that people are not to walk all over you. Your children will remember these things, and appreciate the lesson in life I can assure you.

 

[Dezireey]

I agree with what others have said. You shouldn't be bullied into doing what this man wants you to do i.e not honouring your wish to meet his new woman who is around your child.

I don't think that when such a thing happens to a woman, that 'acceptance' is an easy thing to achieve quickly. What you must do is work on yourself, make plans now to build and build your confidence back up. Once your confidence and self esteem gets better, you will get stronger and wiser and deal with this differently. You probably feel stuck and unable to get free of this heartache and it takes time, more time than just a usual break up when kids are involved and when one partner was cheating ( bit easier in relationship break ups when it's both parties amicably splitting but when a man leaves you and his kids for someone else it's bloody tough)

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a better person than him by miles, he is emotionally abusive and what he has done is erode your confidence and worn you down so you can't stand up to him. Do things that make you happy, no matter how simple or far fetched. Just keep telling yourself that he took so much from you, but now that he is not your partner, he is not allowed to take anymore. There is nothing wrong with loving a shit of a man. That love will eventually fade, so give that time too. It can't be turned off like a tap and it's amazing what many many people put up with when they love someone ( me included! Been there!)

Try and get a solicitor involved, ref you meeting and assessing this woman. Sometimes a short, sharp, factual letter from an authority is enough to let your ex and this woman know you have the right to know who is around your child. I know that it's difficult for you but seriously sweetie, when it comes to your kids, you have to be strong. Teachers, people who come into contact with kids or are alone with kids get CRB checked in the working world. This should apply to a situation like this. You don't know who the hell she is or what her past is. Do you honestly think that at all times, your. LO is NEVER alone with this woman? I doubt it. Demand a CRB check at the very least.

Hugs xxx you have been through so much, I feel for you xxx

 

[lovejoy]

I agree with the above poster.

Also, wanted to add that you need to start thinking about how you can do things on your own. Yes, they are lo family and should help out, but the fact that you are so reliance on his mum is giving him the upper hand and control over you as and when he needs it.

Can working tax credit not cover nursery or a child minder for after pre school etc. I know it's nice to have family help out, but sometimes it's just better to stand on your own two feet . His manipulating you and you're being too nice, we've all been there.

If it really is an issue for you don't request to meet her, demand it, because guess what when you meet a new man he'll be the first one at your door demanding to meet him.