how to cope? Help.

[Melly]

hi all, im new to the site, i was googling for miscarriage support and found myself here.

me and my hubby lost our baby at 7wks on 8th december. well it was confirmed on 8th, but i started bleeding on 4th december.

the hospital were utter useless, ive had no support from them, and i feel completely confused, useless, lonely, angry, desperately lost and upset etc.

me and hubby have been arguing in the last week, and we never argue.

what makes the whole situation worse is that my little sister is due to give birth in 3 weeks, and one of my best friends has told me that she is pregnant and is due 5 days after my due date was. i dont know how im going to cope with firstly seeing my sister have a baby in a couple of weeks when its all so raw, and secondly, to see my friend be at the stage i should be, and then be holding her baby the same week i should have been holding mine.
im insanely jealous of my sister and her big bump, but for my friend its weird, ive developed more or a kind of hatred, and then i hate myself for feeling like this.

the rest of my friends seem to have disappeared, and i dont feel i have anyone to talk to, and im going slowly mad by the constant crying and feeling like ive got nothing to live for.

people keep telling me the best thing is to start trying again, but im scared, i couldnt face going through this again, im utterly crushed. i want a baby, desperately, but i just dont know what to do to start feeling better. Please help.

 

[debgreasby]

We are all here for you, get your feelings out, far more healthy than bottling it up. xxx

 

[Melly]

thank you, its nice to know there are people out there who will listen, and to know im not on my own

 

[aviolet]

I am so sorry

This is so difficult for so many people.... friends rarely know how to react compassionately, spouses shut down, and the need to hold the baby we've lost.... it's all so very hard to handle Unfortunately there is no "one way" to heal - we all do differently....

For me, I know how important it is that I get to know who Justice was. She was only 5 weeks inside of me but I love her as much as anyone loves their child - I need to get to know her in my life before anything or anyone else.... the father of the baby and I are not close and I am essentially on my own in this except for a couple of close friends who know. I get the emotional support I need mostly from the wonderful women here who understand what I'm going through And in the meanwhile I'm doing what I feel is necessary for me to heal - writing her letters, poetry, making jewelry, keeping a memory box of things in her honor, a little scrapbook, etc. Some women keep house plants or plant a tree. Some get memorial tattoos. Or donate in the child's name, or do volunteer work for the needy to occupy their time without the pressures of a regular work job and every day life. I feel I've grown a lot inside thanks to Justice, she gave me a new perspective that was much needed. I miss her, cry for her, smile for her, and light a candle for her often.

So remember it's still important that when you feel like crying to cry - just as it's important when you feel happy to smile it's a rollercoaster of emotions, and all you can really do is hold on and know that eventually the ride will get smoother - it will be difficult with the pregnancies going on around you, just try to look for the positives. And by acknowledging that you feel jealousy and hate you can have that awareness to try to prevent it. My sis in law is going to give birth a couple months before my due date. and it's going to kill me that all the people will be fawning over her and her baby and not have a clue about me and mine. but it's something I know is coming so I'm trying to prepare for it. And I actually look forward now to holding her baby...

take time for yourself, take care of yourself, and grieve however you need to for however long you need to

 

[Melly]

thank you aviolet.

i had a feeling our angel baby was a boy, which is strange, because before getting pregnant all i wanted was a little girl, but now i would do anything to have my little blue angel back

im thinking about getting a memorial tattoo, but have no idea what to get.

none of my friends have experienced a loss, and i dont feel i can talk to them because they've all said i should start trying again. one even said it wasnt a 'proper baby' yet and it was only a bunch of cells, which absolutely destroyed me

 

[aviolet]

I'm sorry someone would say that to you. I always defend my baby as a real child, I don't care who thinks otherwise, I always make sure to point out that it wasn't just a bunch of cells, it wasn't just an embryo, it wasn't just a fetus, it was a BABY. I chalk it up to them not understanding because they haven't experienced the loss and they haven't experienced a child growing inside of them (the most amazing feeling ever). They would change their tune if they had experienced it and if they looked into the development of the baby.

I would love to get a tattoo as well, still working on a design, probably won't get it until next year, maybe on my due date.

 

[Melly]

the one who said about the bunch of cells has 2 kids, which is why i was so surprised she said that! althouigh she admitted never reading books and things to do with development, so maybe she just didnt realise how developed they are at 7 weeks...and even so, i dont care what she thinks, even if it was a 'bunch of cells' i LOVED my bunch of cells

 

[shocker]

Im so sorry for your loss hun Its a terrible thing to go through, let it out and rant your feelings are totally normal, if you ever need someone to talk to or support you'll find it here

 

[aviolet]

the one who said about the bunch of cells has 2 kids, which is why i was so surprised she said that! althouigh she admitted never reading books and things to do with development, so maybe she just didnt realise how developed they are at 7 weeks...and even so, i dont care what she thinks, even if it was a 'bunch of cells' i LOVED my bunch of cells

Yep, it could be because she never looked at the development. I never thought much of it either way until it happened to me and then I HAD to look it up and I was like WHOA it's a little tiny person growing, and she's only 1/16 of an inch big those little bunch of cells had a heartbeat

 

[Charlotteee]

So sorry sweetheart.

My sister has a 3 month old, and i didnt think i could be near him. But its different. You'll be the babys auntie. And look after him and teach him things, and eventually you WILL get to do it with your baby.

It is hard right now but time is a great healer, and we're all here if you need to talk. If it wasnt for this site i'd have gone mad xxxx

 

[bevan88]

your not mad!

its normal to feel like you do!

its crap the way u feel but it will eventually get easier!


take each day as it comes and dont beat yourdelf up for the feelings you get!

Your hormones will still be all over the place!

But you are deffo not mad not mean not thoughtless JUST SAD- YOU JUST LOST A CHILD YOUR BABY! YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE A BIT MESSED UP!

You will get better and cope with your feelings but dont be hard on yourself!

 

[Tulip]

Sweetheart I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. It will hurt for a long, long time. The important thing at this early stage is to let your feelings out, release your anger and express your fears. Don't expect to be 'normal' again any time soon. Don't rush your recovery. And we are all here to listen.

I went to see a friend's 24-hour old baby on Tuesday - a week to the day since we lost Ruby. I expected to cry. I expected to feel jealous. I didn't, I just felt total joy for them. I had a cuddle and I loved her... but she wasn't my baby so there were no negative feelings. But she was their third baby. My cousin and two more friends are due to give birth at any moment and they will be harder to deal with. All three have had perfect first pregnancies and no doubt will have perfect first labours and perfect first babies... whereas my first pregnancy ended in the Loss forum.

No-one will blame you for the way you feel at the moment. Anyone who has suffered the same loss with feel exactly as you do. You just need to accept that your life has changed, and that this pain - although less over time - will be with you forever.

Feel free to PM me if you need support x

 

[the_key2005]

Hi Melly, So sorry for your lose. I too came to this site when I experienced my lose and found everyone was/is so supportive. Its been really great knowing I can come onto BNB and post how I was feeling without being afraid for being judged or critised. Please do reach out Melly, it helped me a lot.

xxx

 

[jezzle]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've also recently had a miscarriage with my first and also have so many family and friends around me who are all pregnant. It's so horrible and you will be feeling utterly rubbish but its now 7 weeks since my loss and I do feel better. I'm not ok by any means but I'm better than I was, slowly the pain eases but it will never go away because you willnever forget your baby.

I'm also arguing all the time with my husband who seems to think I should just get on with things and he then reminds me of all the people in the world who are worse off than me. I'm sure you can imagine my response! I think he just hates seeing me upset and that's his clumsy way of dealing with things.

Please PM me if you need to.

Take care sweetie xxx

 

[Melly]

thank you all, your words, and knowing you are all here and going/gone through the same is really reassuring.

its crappy timing, i just hope that next christmas we'll all have a reason to be excited and enjoy it, because i sure as hell am not enjoying this christmas.

im looking forward to getting to know you all, and hope that i can support you all as much as you all have to me in this post.

i just want to grow a bit stronger every day, but it seems to follow a pattern of one 'ok'ish day, followed by a desperately sad day where i dont want to get out of bed/eat/drink/see or speak to anyone...and those days scare me to bits.
half the trouble is i have recently moved, and dont know anyone who is local to me, so i feel really trapped. Added to that my 'friends' all seem to not want to speak to me at the moment, i can understand they probably dont know what to say, but some are deliberatly avoiding me, and thats really upset me cos i wouldnt dare do that to any of my friends.

thank god for you girls!