How to get DH to cooperate?

[Rhapsodi]

So my DH refuses to take any medications. He also refuses to change diet.

He has high blood pressure. So both would be helpful. But I'd also like to see him try GF/DF low meat diet with me but I don't see that happening.

He knows we have infertility issues but he hasn't fully accepted it (still in denial). He doesn't really agree with me pursuing more treatments but I think changing diet would be good. We haven't had a SA done but I'm guessing we will soon. Right now I have him agreeing to changes if tests comes back abnormal. But I'm doubting he will stick to it.

How did you do it?

 

[beaglemom]

This is something I have been battling. The response I get on the forums is we have to do all the work, get used to it. Well not me. I am so sorry but my marriage is 50/50 & our infertility is OUR problem & WE are trying to make a baby. I was taking on all the stress, research, supplements, invasive surgery (hsg) tracking O. Plus after all this I am responsible for getting sex accomplished. I had to be sexy, I had to turn HIM on. So I finally just broke down & I was crying telling him it was too much & all I ask was for him to take a vitamin & eat a damn vegetable without complaining like a child. It helped him when he saw how frustrated I was. I told him we will probably not get this done on our own & I need way more support from him in order to move on to IUI. I was ready to just tell him we are calling the baby thing quits. I had gone this long without.

I also came across this book. It is easy to read & made for a man's mind. My husband just finished it & he was overwhelmed with how much women have to go through & how little men have to do. I think it gave him a real perspective on the whole thing.

https://www.amazon.com/What-Expect-...words=what+to+expect+when+she's+not+expecting

 

[Rhapsodi]

I'll have to add that to my list! That looks great. Now is just have to get him to read it. Usually he just pretends to read things... *cross my fingers*

Lately I've just been bugging him more about it. Not helping but I could just start doing it all. But I don't have the energy. I need him to take some initiative too. Just like you said.

He has contacts but doesn't care for them. In the summer I wear contacts more than glasses. Well the past few car trips he asked if I had contact stuff. I told him nope, I don't wear them so I didn't grab the stuff and he needs to be responsible for it (yes it was like talking to my 9yo). Next trip he did have them. That problem got solve but many more to do.

Maybe the book will help!

 

[beaglemom]

Yes my husband can be this way. It basically comes from us taking care of so much so they just don't think about taking care of it themselves. It is not as if he doesn't want to help...his brain just isn't understanding how much I am going through.

 

[JJKCB]

mine is the same, he drinks far to much and the hospital said his sperm are pretty much useless as a result and he claimed to quite drinking but im looking at a pile of

4 large cans of stella
9 cans of carling
4 gin and tonics
1 bottle of wine

over 4 days... how the fuck is that quitting

thats at least

1 large can of stella
4 cans of carling
1 gin and tonic
1 glass of wine

per night

 

[Rhapsodi]

Tomorrow I think I'm going to just make a menu that I think would help (less meat, more veggies) and make him follow it. I need to get somewhere!

Jjkcb maybe it's his New Years resolution?

 

[Relaxedlevis]

Just wanted to add that sometimes us guys don't feel the complexity or the gravity of a situation. Sometimes it needs to be so dire that we will finally figure out that something needs to be done. I know with my situation - I didn't take it seriously. During my bout of fun times with the FS - the doctors were so concerned about my wife that they didn't even look at me. My first SA came back - not good - but they didn't even bother with me. I got a referral finally to a Urologist after it was determined she was ok and my sperm couldn't do a proper swim up.
I think I just had to think about it and realize that if I wanted kids - well - I needed to start and fix myself up. There is a lot more to it but I am maybe wired different from other guys. Ask any questions you would like if you got some for me. I'll do my best to answer.

 

[Rhapsodi]

Relaxedlevies you totally described my husband. He won't listen to anything because he doesn't really believe its dire. I. Now that's it. I just have had no luck getting through to him. He does many things with his health that endanger himself but he won't realize it. He is completely anti meds or diet changes.

I've tried ultimatums but he knows I'm terrible about follow through. Maybe that's what I need. Better ultimatums that I'll follow through on.

Ideas on good ultimatums? (By the way not BDing is not motivating to him, yes weird I know.)

 

[beaglemom]

Relaxedlevies you totally described my husband. He won't listen to anything because he doesn't really believe its dire. I. Now that's it. I just have had no luck getting through to him. He does many things with his health that endanger himself but he won't realize it. He is completely anti meds or diet changes.

I've tried ultimatums but he knows I'm terrible about follow through. Maybe that's what I need. Better ultimatums that I'll follow through on.

Ideas on good ultimatums? (By the way not BDing is not motivating to him, yes weird I know.)

Silent treatment works for me. My husband can't stand it. He is a real people person. I could go days not talking to anyone & be fine...he hates being alone. If I go out of town he constantly calls me. So when I spend time in another room or don't talk to him, it works well. I have also almost gotten to the point to telling him I am calling off all baby making attempts & just go back on bc if he doesn't seem to care about it. It has not gotten to that point.

 

[messica]

I'm not sure I'd go the ultimatum route. I also wouldn't make out menus for him to follow or try to goad him into doing anything he wasn't an active and willing participant in.

I'm so sorry he's being such a butt about all this but it's really REALLY unfair for you to have to be putting forth 100% of the effort. If he's that way now can you imagine what parenting a child with him is going to consist of?

I'd sit him down like the grown man he is and have an open and very frank conversation. This is how you feel, this is what you want. Ask him point blank how he feels and what he wants.....because right now it doesn't seem to you that he's at all motivated to make this happen for the two of you.

My husband has been nothing but completely cooperative, supportive and motivating. I don't say that to brag, I say that because I would not have gone on trying as long as we have (which is a far less amount of time than you've had to endure) without him pulling his weight in this process. If one of us isn't "into it," then that seals the deal and we're done. Period.

As gently as I can say, what he's doing is wrong imho and you need to either get your point across so he can effectively change what he's (not) contributing, or possibly re-evaluate how best to proceed. It's incredibly unfair of you to have this all on your shoulders running after him, begging and pleading at him for his participation in something that should be the epitome of a joint effort.

 

[Rhapsodi]

Messica I see your point. We have 2 foster kids so I see how parenting will be. Yes it is a challenge somedays but he always backs me up with the kids. I have tried sitting him down multiple times he will just walk away or give me generic answers.

You know that stereo typical man that can't talk about emotions and does the yes dear to everything. Yeah that's my DH.

I think the issue is his fear of failure but he won't admit to any of it. I don't mind the baby stuff being on my end more right now (although his presence would be nice). He feels no matter what we do it's out of our hands anyway so we should do more. (No, he does not understand all of it.) I'm really concerned about his heart. I've done everything I can think of. Maybe I need to lay TTC on the table if he doesn't do something. I don't want our kids to be fatherless due to his desires not to take stupid meds or change his diet.

 

[beaglemom]

I also agree with you Messica. I think the main thing is knowing your partner. Mine sometimes will just not get it. And he will just agree blankly. So the only way for me to truly get my point across is getting angry at him & just having it out. Mine has done a whole lot better after reading the book. I also think that as the tests go on & things are pointing at him, he is more willing to put in the effort. I do not point out our issue is his, I support him. But at the same time he acknowledges it...so he knows we together have to do something & he has to do something. I also think it helps that while I am pumping him with vitamins, I am also doing the same thing. He still doesn't like the vegetables, but he doesn't complain about them any more.

 

[beaglemom]

Oh & I have also posted this same question & the feedback I got was we are the women, we hold the burden, we have to do everything...just accept it. I completely disagree with that logic. Our partners need to man up. But I also think if they need a push, we are there to push them...not break them.

 

[messica]

I completely sympathize with him potentially fearing and having to face failure. It's not easy for anyone to do, much less a man and especially in regards to fertility.

Have you ever asked him to consider how his habits now will affect his health long term? That if you do fall pregnant and have a child that he may not be around to raise it if he doesn't take better care of himself? I'd go so far as to ask him how his habits would influence his son or daughter....if he eats poorly he/she will want to too, if he drinks too much how will that teach his son to be? Tell him you don't want to raise any child as a widow, and no child wants to lose a parent (ever, but especially young....tell him to consider a son not having his dad at ball games, a daughter not having her dad send her off on her first date or be around to walk her down the aisle).

I'm glad you're already parenting so you have a good idea of what it would entail. I fostered for a number of years and it takes a special heart to be able to do that


There are consequences for everything in life. Good and bad. beaglemom put it well, push, but don't break. Let him know that what he does from here on out will either have positive or negative impact on what you're doing. If he chooses to get healthy and participate in your infertility journey that could be what finally gets you to your goal. If however he chooses not to then you will have to consider alternatives in regards to what you're doing because you can't continue to shoulder the burden entirely on your own.

My doc put it very well when DH balked at his first SA.....me doing everything I possibly can at best will only get us 50% of the way. Those aren't very good odds when you're already facing the infertility uphill battle. Since then he's never questioned or poo-poo'd his part in the process. Thinks of it like ripping off a bandaid now and does as much as he can as fast as he can so we can get to the other side faster (regardless of what the other side holds in store for us). We can drag it out for 10 years going at it half assed or go full board and knock it out either way in a fraction of that time (HOPEFULLY!)

 

[Relaxedlevis]

Well, I think guys do have that ego to deal with. It gets in the way of us making choices that could be for the best. We over think it to the point where we procrastinate. My thoughts: Get him to take a SA. It should really be a reality snap if the test comes back bad. I know mine was - just make sure the doctors focus is maintained to a degree on that. It will take a bit to set in. Then without him realizing it - you may notice some changes. Guys are really slow and don't respond at all to forced actions. Even just the thoughts that you are sad that he won't do anything is eating away at him - trust me

 

[Rhapsodi]

Last night we talked about his meds supposedly he started taking them again this week (he has a mandatory check up, due to our foster license) so he must be trying to last minute change it. We'll see.

I'm hoping once I can give him info after my fertility appointment Friday he will start stepping up.

 

[Relaxedlevis]

That is really good news! Definitely - information is only a good thing - especially if he reads magazines instead of books. I am crossing my fingers for you - let us know how it goes I know I was like impressed with the information that semen doesn't improve within a week - it is like 3-6 months! That should have him thinking

 

[Rhapsodi]

Had the appointment today. He seems to be ok with everything and even said its good to know there is a diagnosis (even if it's not official). Hope it stays this way after the bill