How to get OH to help a little more?

[DoodleDoo]

He seems to think it's his God given right to do less than me with our 18 month old daughter. He's a brilliant dad when he wants to be and he gives her loads of attention and cuddles etc. It's just everything else. I get up with her when she decides she's awake at 6am, every single morning. I prepare her meals, pack her bags, change her nappies. He literally wouldn't know where to start with half this stuff. If he puts her to bed, I have to brush her teeth and lay her pyjamas out etc so it's "ready" for him. I do 90% of the housework and cooking on top of this.

This morning, she woke up (at 7.30am!!) and asked for her cereal. He pushed her away and made her cry. I asked him to get up and get it for her and he laughed and said no, so I stole the quilt covers from the bed (I've been asking him for weeks to begin getting up with her occasionally so I thought it was kind of a joke) immature I know. He's ignoring me and telling me to get out of our bedroom because I'm "annoying".

I wouldn't mind half as much if I were a SAHM but I'm not. We are both FT students and I, unlike him, work a part time teaching job too. I'm so tired all the time I genuinely believe it's because he always saw his mum act like a housewife, he was NEVER made to do chores, but she was a SAHM. I love him loads, and he's a good man. I just need more support. Sorry for the rant. Any advice?

 

[Teri7489]

A foot up the arse?

That's really unfair on you and your daughter? Maybe she won't realise now but when she's older she will pick up on it and that's cruel

Personally I'd have a proper talk with him. He's as much responsible for her so he should be helping. If need be, get him to pick what he wants to do. The nighttime teeth, jammies story and put to bed or the early morning routine. or switch it one week of each.

I had to do it with my husband and I simply did nothing. I did not housework, washed no clothes and cooked no meals. He soon got the message and realised how much I actually did. Was awful but worked! I wouldn't advise it as it nearly killed my marriage so try a stern talk first! xxx

 

[laura109]

I think you should have a serious chat with him hun. You cant be the one to do everything even us sahm need a break occasionally as it's exhausting! My partner will do whatever he can to help me despite him working long hours. He will let me have a lie in or send me for a bath when im worn out.

How about suggesting that you get a lie in every other sunday or every Saturday and he gets one every sunday.

I do think men are abit clueless with dressing and stuff. I also have to get dd clothes or pyjamas out but he happily changes nappies or gets her some breakfast.

If you are in a serious relationship then he should be prepared to do some extra things for his daughter so you can also get some well earned rest.

Good luck and hope you can get him to realise x

 

[Eleanor ace]

If it was me I'd sit him down at a good time (when LO is in bed and there's no distractions) and say that we need to sort out how housework, childcare and other responsibilities are shared out. I'd work with him to list the different responsibilities and who takes them on. So, getting up with LO in the morning. Putting LO to bed. Dropping off and picking LO up from childcare. Looking after LO in the evenings. Putting LO to bed. Cooking. Cleaning. Paying bills etc etc. And then also making a note of how many hours each of you works/studies. Hopefully going through it all and seeing in black and white the imbalance between what you do and he does will make him realize he's not doing his fair share right now. Then you can hopefully work together to decide what would be fair, which responsibilities he can pick up.

 

[Zephram]

He should be doing at least half of the housework, if not more than half considering that he doesn't work and you do. Sit him down and tell him what's what. He needs to pull his weight, not be a dead weight. You're also not responsible for tidying up after him, etc, he is an adult and can do this himself! Explain that you are not his mother. He needs to help look after your daughter too. Start by giving him a couple of jobs he can always do. Tell him you will each have one weekend day to sleep in and he has to get up with her and let you sleep.

Honestly, some men need a boot up the arse. I had to really keep at my OH until he started helping more. We had heaps of fights about it, but he is pretty good these days.

 

[SarahBear]

You call him a "good man" and a "good dad," but he doesn't sound like one. He sounds like a jerk. He needs a serious talking to. He needs to step up or step out. He's her dad, not her uncle - he needs to give her more than attention and cuddles.

 

[Pearls18]

You call him a "good man" and a "good dad," but he doesn't sound like one. He sounds like a jerk. He needs a serious talking to. He needs to step up or step out. He's her dad, not her uncle - he needs to give her more than attention and cuddles.

I agree. It's not a personality trait to be a bit lazy that you have to live with, he is consciously making the decision to not help you. You can't choose when you want to be a good dad, either you are or you aren't and if he thinks it's his god given right to do less with his daughter then I fail to see how he can fall into the good dad category. When you love someone you respect them and don't want to see them struggle, to me a lazy partner is up there with other serious relationship issues like adultery because he is disrespecting you and doesn't care that you are struggling, how is that a relationship. I say all this because for me it's shape up or get out, it's a deal breaker, have a serious conversation with him and if he doesn't improve you should reconsider him as a life partner because how can you be happy like this?

 

[zorak]

You call him a "good man" and a "good dad," but he doesn't sound like one. He sounds like a jerk. He needs a serious talking to. He needs to step up or step out. He's her dad, not her uncle - he needs to give her more than attention and cuddles.

I agree. It's not a personality trait to be a bit lazy that you have to live with, he is consciously making the decision to not help you. You can't choose when you want to be a good dad, either you are or you aren't and if he thinks it's his god given right to do less with his daughter then I fail to see how he can fall into the good dad category. When you love someone you respect them and don't want to see them struggle, to me a lazy partner is up there with other serious relationship issues like adultery because he is disrespecting you and doesn't care that you are struggling, how is that a relationship. I say all this because for me it's shape up or get out, it's a deal breaker, have a serious conversation with him and if he doesn't improve you should reconsider him as a life partner because how can you be happy like this?

All of this! I don't understand how someone so disengaged and lazy comes under the good dad or partner category. Gosh, my husband works really long hours but even when he doesn't get in until 7pm he'll phone me and ask me not to bath the kids yet because he wants to do it and spend that time with them. It means he often doesn't get his dinner until nearly 9pm. Honestly the way your partner is acting would be a total deal breaker for me.

 

[oliv]

I could have written this except I have two kids under 3.

My DH wouldn't even know how to make the kids meals and still treats them as if they are babies by given them the smallest bit of food when he feeds them. Very rarely gets up with them and if he does I have to get if and settle them first then I can go back to bed!!

 

[jd83]

He sounds like he contributes very little to the family and household, so I think you may have overstated it by calling him a good partner and father. I think you guys need to have a serious talk about sharing the work load in the house. Parenting isn't just the fun parts, like cuddling for a few minutes and playing for a few minutes here and there. It's ALL of it. It's not fair to you to be responsible for 90% of the care, plus all the housework, plus school and work. That's too much. If he can't see that, then he is being extremely selfish.

Having said that, sometimes men who have grown up in households where their mom did everything have a really hard time figuring out how to help. They aren't used to it, and it takes time to work on that. My Dh's mom did EVERYTHING, and he pretty much was completely spoiled by that and expected it. Well, I'm not like that at all, and not okay with that. He still struggles with knowing what to do and how to help, but what seems to work well for us if for me to just be direct about what I need him to help with. Example: "I'm going to do the dishes, can you please go get the kids in their PJs and ready for bed while I'm doing that?" Maybe it's an approach that would work well for you guys, too?