How to handle when your OH is just plain mean?

[Surprised26]

Before anyone gives me a speech about being irresponsible for bringing a baby into my situation, I was using birth control and no amount of shaming from you will ever make me regret my baby.

Lately my boyfriend has been getting more and more impossible to be around. I do my best to keep my emotions in check, so I know it's not me causing the fights. Last night he literally started treating me like sh*t because I didn't fix him what he wanted for dinner.

I've been trying so hard and walking on eggshells as to not make him upset, he's working a lot so I know he is stressed out, but I don't think that should be an excuse to treat someone who's carrying his child like garbage. I packed a lot of my things, and my dog and drove an hour at night to get to my mother's house. His response when I was getting my things gathered to leave was "Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out, and don't come back"

I'm really at a loss right now, because he would rather let me do this all on my own than to admit that he was being an ass. If this was a one time thing, I could let it go...and I've let it go time and time again. I just really don't know where to go from here. I got fired from my job the day after I told my boss that I was pregnant, and finding a new job with this growing bump is becoming less and less likely. I'm stressed to the max and really have no idea what to do. I'm on my mom's sofa right now, but I can't stay here, there is literally no room.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, maybe just to vent.

 

[jeanyern123]

Hey mama, you know your boss can't fire you outright... Thats illegal. I would get some sort of legal advice on that situation, thats if you wanted to though
Partners can get a little (or a lot) moody when they find out a baby is on the way.
Jealousy or attention seeking, maybe feeling a little left out... Give him time and a few kisses and hopefully he comes around?
Vents are good, even for the vent Keep us posted, let us know you're ok
Love n light xxJ

 

[LoveMy2Boys2]

My hubby was extremely crabby the 1st week we found out I was preg, once he snapped out of it he was overly appologetic and claimed to be simply overwhelmed and too many thoughts and what ifs were stressing him out (this is our 3rd and our last had a lot of medical issues the first 1yr) ..... Web he was an ass I just ignored him, heck ya I cried pretty much 24/7 but I figured he was just overwhelmed and prayed it would pass..... I think sometimes space is good.... Give him a few days to be alone , let his thoughts gather, let him
Sleep ..... He will miss you like crazy and feel lost without you and feel awful for treati g you do mean especially while carrying his baby .......
And if he doesn't , maybe you guys can try councing / couples therapy..... If anything do it for baby..... Even if you were to ever split up, you'd still need to be civil, it would help regardless ...... Wishing you the best of luck !!!! And btw that's complete bs about your job!!! Why would they fire you so soon? Seems insane!!
You are carrying a precious little life, just try to take care of yourself right now, get lots of rest, and eat well, and try to avoid him if he works you up
Too much..... He'll come around..... Especially once you start showing and he sees the ultrasounds !

 

[emeeorevan]

Jeanyearn123 is right. I don't know where you are but in almost every place I know of it is illegal for fire someone for being pg. If your boss can cite other reasons then he can claim it wasn't the pg but it seems fishy.
as far as your boyfriend, he may just be scared but not wanting to admit it so he takes his frustration out on whoever is closest. I don't know him, you, or your current situation all I can say is hand in there and stay strong for your little one. I have been there. My first relationship didn't workout but I wouldn't trade those years for anything cause it gave me my wonderful oldest son who will be 12yrs old when baby #3 gets here! In that case when I told my bf I was pg he quit his job the very next day! I supported him while pg until I could no longer work BC of complications. We lost our apartment, after my son was born I moved back in with my parents for about 6 months while I was working two jobs and going to college to get back on my feet. Two years later I met my DH who took me and my son as his own. He adopted my son who to this day doesn't know that his father is is stepfather and will never know. My long ago bf disappeared after I started college. He just wasn't ready for the responsibility of having a family. I don't blame home or hate him I just feel sorry for him that he lost his place in the heart of a wonderful young man that he will never know. No I did not go after him, chase him down looking for money or support. I am woman, hear me roar! I control my life and he didn't want to be a part of it, it's his loss!
sorry so long, but the point is if he wants to be in your he will, if not you can't force him and you will survive and come out of this stronger and richer cause you will have that precious baby! Good luck!

 

[Surprised26]

Thanks ladies. I was working through a temp agency, so they can pretty much do what they want. I'm still not sure how to approach this whole thing, but I do know that I'm going to stay away for a while. It's just so frustrating, I do everything I can to put this baby first, when he gets this way I feel like I he doesn't consider how all this emotional distress is not good for the baby :/

 

[emeeorevan]

I feel like I he doesn't consider how all this emotional distress is not good for the baby :/

He probably doesn't. men don't think the way we do. emotions of others and the effects on other peoples emotions are rarely a consideration to them cause they are only thinking of what they have to do. I know it sounds sexists but from my experiences it is true. My DH gets quiet and pensive. he won't talk and i have to drag his emotions and feelings out of him. he is always worried about things like "putting a roof over our heads" and making enough money to "pay the bills" and "buy you the stuff you and the kids deserve." (in quotations is his words). I try to tell him that I worry about health, whether or not he made it to work when i hear there is a wreck, love, emotional state of him and our children. I try to tell him that I don't need the material things as long as i have him but he can't think that way.

 

[LadyHutch]

I love my DH, but he can be an outright ass sometimes. I usually tell him, straight up and bluntly, that he is being an asshole and I won't tolerate it. I am not one to tip-toe around anyone.

Good on you for packing up and shipping out. No one needs to take shit from someone they are a partner with. My DH is well aware that I am capable, functional, and self reliant, and my sharing my life with him is a choice, not a necessity. I'll leave in a heartbeat if that sharing becomes one sided or painful. Its not that we don't ever fight, we do occasionally, but I certainly won't put up with straight up and prolonged meanness. I don't expect him to put up with it from me either.

The secret I've found in having a happy marriage/relationship is to live for myself first, the husband next and the kids. I have a strong relationship with God, so I rarely feel "alone". I know who I am, my worth, and that if I am not making myself happy, no one else can do the job.

Pray for him. Pray for yourself. Forgive transgressions, but prepare for a scenario where you have to make you happy, all by yourself, without him. Move forward in a joyful way, regardless of his participation. The happier you are, the more likely he is to want to join in on the fun. That then puts you in the driver seat of your life, rather than letting him call the shots.

 

[laodicean]

If this isn't the first time that he's been an arse, then it's by no means going to be the last. And with a baby coming, it's only going to get worse. It sounds like he's used to being the centre of your world and that everything should happen how he wants it to. That's not going to happen when the baby arrives - the exact opposite, in fact.

Just because someone's got you pregnant, it doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life with them. You should always try to make a relationship work, but it takes two people working at it, it can't be done by one person while the coasts along having their way all the time.

Being on your own is scary, especially when pregnant. But it's not the end of the world, hundreds of thousands of women can and do cope. Remember that you're not completely financially destitute - he's made this baby too, even though neither of planned it, and he will need to pay some kind of maintenance to you.

Whatever happens, it is not worth going back to him just because you think you've got no other option. Go back if he apologises sincerely and means it, and makes an effort to treat you better than he has been. But if none of that happens, then there is always a better option.

Talk to your Mum. Maybe you can work something out? I'm sure she doesn't want her pregnant daughter living on the street!

 

[RaspberryK]

1. Tell him sort himself out and stop being a dick and see what he does to reconcile.
Or
2. Leave him, , you and the baby deserve better.
Xx

 

[Surprised26]

Thank you all for your helpful words. It only took a day before he was blowing up my phone and Facebook apologizing for being a jerk and admitting that the issue was all his. He is excited about this baby,and although he has his moods, He is rarely as unbearable as he was on Tuesday night. I think he is beginning to realize that I'm not about to put up with his attitude. I was raised by an amazing single mother, and although that is not what I want for my child, I know that I'm fully capable and I'm not afraid to go at it alone. I will leave in a heartbeat if I ever think my child is being mistreated, I've been in abusive situations in the past and that's something I'm not about to let go on again. I think the fact that I so easily packed my bags may have opened his eyes, as he's been nothing but sweet and catering to my needs since I came back. As a few of you said, sexist or not, words don't work on men, actions do. Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it!

 

[fizzypop]

I have no advice but basically I agree with what Ladyhutch said. My OH isn't a very nice person either so I know how hard it is. They get worse during pregnancy also. Well done on getting out of there, keep strong honey..

I have started to say a prayer taken from the aa 12 step programme, that has really helped me:

God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change (him)
The courage to change what I can (my response to him/whether I put up with it)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[JackanddaBean]

Seems I'm last to arrive at the party but so glad you've sorted things with your OH. I know you have to be optimistic but just make sure he's aware that it's not happening again, next time you go there will be no grovelling apology followed by forgiveness (hope you understand what I mean by that).

Good luck to all three of you on journey.