How to help/ What to say?

[Jennifaerie]

Hi ladies, I hope you don't mind me intruding.

My sister in law has had multiple rounds of IVF and has been TTC for 6 years. Their final attempt hasn't worked. They've now decided to stop and are planning to adopt next year.

I just wanted to ask if there's anything you can think of gesture wise that would communicate just how much we feel for them and think it's awful that they didn't get their ?

Me and OH were hoping to start TTC soon, but we might put it off for a while as we don't want to cause them any pain if it did work for us (it probably wouldn't happen unassisted anyway - I've been told they don't think I always ovulate).

At the same time we really want to try for a family and both my aunty and mum hit menopause at 35 ish so we can't leave it too long. If we do decide to try is there any better way to approach telling them? Should we let them know we're thinking about it (not just yet obviously)?

Thanks in advance, we just don't want to make things any harder for them, and know that if we do manage to get pregnant it will.


Sorry if this is invading your board.


Jennie xxx

 

[Beckic]

Hello hun
I think its relay lovely that you are thinking about this enough to post on here - I am sure if your SIL knew that she would be really touched.

I wanted to repspond cos I am in your SIL's position - as my SIL is getting married to her fiance next year and I know they are going to start trying straight away - plus my sister will have been married a year this October and I am assuming she will start trying too as she had mentioned she wanted a year of being married first (oh the luxury of thinking its going to happen straight away - I miss those days!!) - and basically it does upset me thinking of them getting pregnant. Not because I dont want it to happen for them - because i wouldn't wish this pain on anyone - but just because I find it hard to see friends when they are pregnant cos I am just so god damn jealous - and then hate myself for being jealous - and it just reminds me of everything I haven't got. And whist I can avoid friends - I cant avoid family, or my Mum or MIL bringing it up all the time - because they will be so excited and I dont want to ruin anything for them.

So i guess - it will be hard for your SIL to learn you are pregnant when it happens but I honestly dont think there is anything you can do that will make it better.

I think its lovely that you are trying to make it easier on them - but tbh - its a pain that they to deal with - and only time will heal it,

I know that there is nothing that either my SIL or sister could do to make it easier on me. There will be days when I will want to be involved with their pregnancy and there will be days when I just need to put my head in the sand and wallow - and I will have to deal with it by myself

I dont think there is anything to gain by them knowing when you are trying - except if you do have problems (which I really hope you dont) - as I am sure they would want you to feel you could go to them for help and advice (because believe me - after 6 years she will be a bloody encyclopaedia!!) - but otherwise I would keep it to yourselves.

Form my POV if either my sister or SIL got pregnant I have asked them to tell me via text - because I just can not bear having to put on a brave face - I want to be able to cry by myself and then when I 'm strong enough go out and buy them pregnancy magazine and mamma and papas vouchers and wish them congratulations - but I need time to get over it first.

My worst thing is also whenever my BIL goes 'you can be there favourite aunty' as thought thats some consolation prize - cos whislt he means well - I dont want to just be an aunty - I want to be a Mummy and an aunty.


I would honestly say - form someone who is there - I just want to know family are there for me if I need them, but I dont want their pity - i want to be told that they are proud of me for being strong and getting through this. There is nothing else that will heal me except time.

One of the other things that I would mention is that at the moment - although I have decided to go down the adoption route - there are some days when still grieve for the lost hope of ever being pregnant - and with the adoption journey taking so long eventually getting a child feels very far away. so I cant always deal with my sister getting all excited about my adoption - cos at the moment that seems like another battle I have to live through. So i also would advise you to let them talk about the adoption when they want to - but not bring it up too much in case they are having a bad day. As they get further down the process they will definitely want your support and encouragement - but if your SIL is anything like me - at the moment she might just still need to hold onto the hope of getting a miracle whilst having the adoption as a back up.

I dont think I have helped really - sorry - I just dont think there really is much you can do to make it better - except help them have distractions -maybe invite them over for dinner / out for drinks - to keep them smiling and let them know you are there for them if they need to talk about it.
I know that after my last go failed - I just needed everyone to be normal - I didnt want flowers and cards of sympathy - I just wanted to cry on my own or with DH and then be normal with everyone else.

I wish you all the best with your own journey and hope that the adoption goes smoothly for your SIL.

Bx x

 

[Jennifaerie]

Thanks so much for your reply. At the minute we are leaving them to it, they let us know by text that it hadn't worked but we presume they'll call us if/when they want to talk - we just said that we were very sorry.

They're planning on going travelling for a while before starting the adoption process so at least that's something they can look forward to before starting another journey. I'm very close with DH's family and I hate to think of them hurting. I know it makes it harder that they've never been given a reason why it hasn't worked. Technically speaking they should be able to get Pg.

Plan of action =

Let them come to us if they need us, SIL has always been very open about their journey TTC and seemed genuinely pleased when we ask what's happening with it. I presume that means if they want to talk, they will.

If we do have any problems TTC (doctors have mentioned clomid and I talked to SIL about it) then we'll go to them for advice.

If we do manage to conceive we'll let them know by text, probably early on so they can grieve and not like us too much for a while.

I know they found it hard when DH's brother had his daughter, but as she has gotten older they find it easier.

I've made sure in the past to mention how strong and brave they've been through it all and that we are very proud of them- and that whatever way they get a LO they'll be fantastic parents!

They love walking so we'll maybe ask if they want to meet us for a ramble somewhere and grab some lunch?

I'm very sorry for all that you've had to go through, and I can completely see why adoption is hard to come to terms with! I know from SIL's point of view she says she has no problem with adopting, it just isn't their preference as such.

We won't mention it until they bring it up, and we'll be sure to let them know we're interested in everything that's going on.

Again thankyou for your reply and I hope you get your bub soon

 

[Beckic]

That sounds like a perfect plan hun

And I am in the same boat as your SIL - as we are unexplained as well - so if she ever wants to vent - point her in the direction of BnB - I am always stalking on here!!!


Bx x

 

[MrsF]

Hi Jenni, i second what becki has said regarding how fab you are that you're here asking for advice - it really does show how supportive you guys are

i guess it's so hard to know how to advise you as everyone is different. I'm just starting my 6th year ttc - i only ovulate a few times a year and dh swimmers aren't exactly elite - but the doc's have "clumped" us as unexplained too.

when my friend recently told me she was pregnant, it was a bolt out of the blue, and it hurts like hell. I wish they'd told me they were trying (she said they've been trying 4 years, she knows our history and we've been freidns for 20 years) as i felt so utterly unprepared for the announcement (she was 14 weeks when she told me). Likewise my BIL and girlf's announcement was out the blue, and again, really didnt feel prepared.

it sounds selfish on my behalf (as really, who am i to say that everyone should tell me when they're ttc???!!!!) but I honestly feel that if i'dve know they were ttc, i could have better prepared myself.

My other friend told me on both occasions that she was planning, and it felt different. Still painful, but I didn't have other negative feelings. She told me by text on the first (which is such a good idea), and a phonecall for the second as my ivf had just failed. face to face telling is deffo the hardest to deal with.

I second Becki's recommendation of pointing her this way - this forum and the ladies in it rock

I'd be very proud and honoured to have a SIL like you

 

[Jennifaerie]

Thanks so much for the advice. I texted her and said that if there's anything we can do to let us know and thatwe're proud of them. Thanks so much for your lovely comments too you girls do rock! We're going to revisit our ttc plans in the new year I think then decide when to tell them, we wouldn't wait till we were past 12 weeks. You girls are amazing fir going through all that you have/are and I hope you get all you hope for. Ideally we wouldn't get pregnant until they've adopted but you can't help it if you want children I suppose xxx