How to not come off as an elitiest a-hole?

[redneckhippy]

So I live in a rural part of the US, but I'm very into natural, organic, all that stuff (thus my username). In any event, my in-laws are such good-hearted people who are really exited about my husband & my upcoming baby and are really into being helpful and everything. The thing is, they are totally opposite of me in terms of all my natural / hippy stuff. I plan to exclusively breastfeed, cloth diaper, want to make sure all baby stuff is free of chemicals / plastics, etc. My mother in law is already talking about a diaper party (to help us stock up on diapers) and I know they all assume I will formula feed like EVERYONE does here, so I'm sure I will get a bunch of that stuff at my shower. I feel like an elitist jerk if I try to turn down these things. I mentioned I plan to cloth diaper and try to put it in terms of how much cheaper it will be and plan to say the same thing about breastfeeding since we don't qualify for WIC, but does anyone have experince with dealing with very un-crunchy relatives without coming off like I'm rejecting their kindness? I don't want them to feel like I think I'm stuck up or too good for what they did, but I also don't want to be pushed in to things I don't agree with.

Anyone have ways of politely being cruncy without coming off like an elitist asshole?

 

[Marie000]

As much as you appreciate people's kindness, I think you should be less apologetic about your beliefs. If you keep telling them that you will cloth diaper because it is cheaper, they might interpret that as 'I wish I could use disposable diapers, but I can't afford it!' so of course they will think giving your a stock of disposable diapers will be really nice. Tell them the truth. Tell them you want to cloth diaper because it is better for the environment and because you are uncomfortable with the chemicals in disposable diapers. Keep it simple, but don't hide your reasons. Unless you constantly lecture them and start judging other people who make different choices, you wont come off as elitist.

You may come off as a weirdo, but you get used to that. I know my family finds me weird for using cloth diapers and for still breastfeeding my two year old, but they accept that it is my decision.

You could also suggest them other ways to let them be supportive. Why not suggest a cloth diaper party? Everyone could buy you one cute cloth diaper to help you stock up. And cloth diapers are so much more fun for them to shop for!
You could also tell them that there are things you would really want for the baby but can't afford it all, so you would love to give suggestions for the baby shower.

If you do get things you don't want/need, you can eventually give it to charity. Maybe wait until after the baby is here, so you could always say you just didn't need it after all (to me, it sounds less like a rejection than if you give it away before the baby is born, if that makes sense)

 

[redneckhippy]

Those are good suggestions. I did figure unwanted boxes of diapers can always be donated. When I mentioned the cloth diapers, my mil said I will need disposables for when the baby gets a rash, which my thought was that disposables are usually what cause rashes, but I didn't say anything.

I also feel like when I say those things, they think it's just because I'm a first time mom and that I will see how unrealisitc I am when the baby comes, ("oh you won't want to wash all those diapers"), but I really feel confident in my wanting to cloth diaper and don't think it will be that bad (it's not that hard to throw in a load of laundry!). I just don't want them to feel like I'm making a judgement on them when I say these things.

Fortunately my husband is supportive of me in that way. He doesn't always "get" it why all these things are important to me, but he's gotten on board with most of my crazy ways. It would be nice to be somewhere where these things were the norm though instead of having to be such a "weirdo" for wanting to breastfeed and cloth diaper.

 

[EcoMama]

Usually MIL just want to help and have some part in the baby's arrival. Is it possible to arrange with her a reusable diaper hamper?.... Maybe a few ones that you'd like to try, before you buy in bulk?

 

[fieryphoenix]

You can always return diapers to the store and get something else, clothes or cash or whatever, that's what I'd do!

 

[HopefulEm]

I know how you feel redneckhippy! It's hard being the odd one out.

For me I just try to emphasize the personal benefits rather than "what's best for baby". I like breastfeeding because I like the excuse to cuddle with baby, for instance.

With the nappies, you could point out the fact that there are a lot more chemicals in them today then there were when they were using them. That way it's not insulting what they did.

 

[JessesGirl29]

I graciously accepted and then donated to a women's shelter.

If you can return them I'd do that first and use the money to get cloth diapers

 

[misspriss]

I was in the same place as you before DS was born. I told MIL "actually, we are planning to use cloth" when she mentioned 'sposies. I don't remember telling her about breastfeeding, but she was very supportive. Even more so than DH at times (she FF DH). Just tell her, it may not be so bad!

 

[JenX]

If you are confident that cloth diapering is what you want to do, then be firm. You CAN do it, and no, you won't need disposables if your baby gets a rash. Just use cloth safe cream or something like coconut oil. I was a first time mom wanting to cloth diaper too, and my little girl is now 18 months and has only worn disposables a handful of times. I don't care for them at all!

 

[RaspberryK]

I think I'd give her a "registry" list of wanted items - specific cloth nappies, washable breastpads etc which she can give to those wanting to gift you items.
I have had to be very blunt in the past about what I will and won't be doing/using.
For example I had to basically shout at my mil "no I don't believe in it" at a family dinner about why didn't I just bottle feed, leave him to cry or use a dummy.
No one said anything after that about any of my parenting choices.
Xx

 

[redneckhippy]

Do any of you have any good, simple responses to explain to kids why you are breastfeeding? All of the kids in my DH's family were FF and I don't think our neices/nephews even know that babies can be fed any other way. They are 9, 7, and 2. They have already started asking me if they can feed the baby (who isn't due for 3 months) and I know it's going to seem very weird (and probably gross) to them to see me breastfeeding. What's a good child-friendly, non-judgemental way to explain / introduce to them why they can't feed their newest cousin and help them understand that breastfeeding isn't gross or weird?

 

[RaspberryK]

They would probably understand in terms of cows make milk for calves, human breasts naturally make milk for babies and you hope to feed the baby that way.
My friends young son was fascinated and asked to watch - I was fine with that.
It's sad times when children don't know about breastfeeding and when parents are embarrassed by their children being in the same room as a nursing baby.
Xx

 

[misspriss]

There are some good books with pictures of mama kitties nursing kittens, mama cows and calves, and mommies nursing babies.

 

[redneckhippy]

It's sad times when children don't know about breastfeeding and when parents are embarrassed by their children being in the same room as a nursing baby.
Xx

It is sad and unfortunate. I hope it's something they will be curious about rather than thinking "ewww gross" but I have a feeling it will be the latter. But it's a good oportunity for education that they would otherwise possibly never have.

 

[misspriss]

Quite honestly redneckhippy, I think you need to relax. No one is going to think you are an elitist a-hole because you want to use cloth diapers. If you receive diapers for gift anyway, graciously accept them and then donate them or save them for the off chance you DO want to use disposables (we've done some of both). If kids see you breastfeeding, tell you "I am feeding the baby", if they are offended that is THEIR problem, you really needn't worry about it.

The only way you will come off as an a-hole is if you reject or seem ungrateful for gifts of diapers, or say stuff like "I breastfeed because formula sucks"...which it doesn't sound like you are going to do at all.

It made my FIL and MIL uncomfortable for me to BF around FIL, he would leave the room. Oh well. His loss. Didn't make me feel bad!

 

[redneckhippy]

I know I shouldn't care, I just worry a lot about offending them. I finally have got them to not smoke around me while I'm pregnant, but I'm 26 weeks and and it has been within the last month and I feel guilty for making them not smoke around me. I was avoiding going over there for any family events because of it so finally my DH said something and now they at least usually put the cigarettes out when I come in. I just feel like such the odd one out and like they will think I'm crazy and weird becuase I worry about this stuff and am into being natural and all that. You're right that I shouldn't worry so much about it, but I just tend to be very self-conscience and always worry about offending others and my in-laws are very good hearted people but have very different ideas about things that I do.

 

[sheldonsmommy]

Do any of you have any good, simple responses to explain to kids why you are breastfeeding? All of the kids in my DH's family were FF and I don't think our neices/nephews even know that babies can be fed any other way. They are 9, 7, and 2. They have already started asking me if they can feed the baby (who isn't due for 3 months) and I know it's going to seem very weird (and probably gross) to them to see me breastfeeding. What's a good child-friendly, non-judgemental way to explain / introduce to them why they can't feed their newest cousin and help them understand that breastfeeding isn't gross or weird?

My nephew was very curious about what was under the cover as I was nursing and I plainly told him I was feeding my baby from the milk from my breast. Any follow up questions can be dealt with by the parents . Kids do well with simple, direct answers, though. It's only considered gross if that's portrayed to them.

 

[misspriss]

Do any of you have any good, simple responses to explain to kids why you are breastfeeding? All of the kids in my DH's family were FF and I don't think our neices/nephews even know that babies can be fed any other way. They are 9, 7, and 2. They have already started asking me if they can feed the baby (who isn't due for 3 months) and I know it's going to seem very weird (and probably gross) to them to see me breastfeeding. What's a good child-friendly, non-judgemental way to explain / introduce to them why they can't feed their newest cousin and help them understand that breastfeeding isn't gross or weird?

My nephew was very curious about what was under the cover as I was nursing and I plainly told him I was feeding my baby from the milk from my breast. Any follow up questions can be dealt with by the parents . Kids do well with simple, direct answers, though. It's only considered gross if that's portrayed to them.

Exactly. The more kids see it as normal, and not something to be hidden or shamed, the better. Raise a generation with better ideas about feeding babies. I hope the next generation doesn't bicker about feeding the way ours does

 

[nevernormal]

My suggestion would be either to

(a) set the guidelines out now, with the reasons, and people will just adjust

or

(b) relax a bit. I cloth diapered because it was cheaper AND better for baby. I'm the laziest person ever but didn't mind the extra laundry. Hubby didn't always want to mess with cloth, so we kept disposables on hand and he would sometimes change our son into that. Also, if I was somewhere like church and put him in the nursery, I would usually put both cloth and sposies in there, and let the worker changing him choose what they wanted to use. If my mom or MIL changed him, they usually used sposies because they never did the cloth right and I would have to go back and redo it anyway. We ended up using disposables at night because I didn't have the money to experiment and find a night diaper that worked for us.
Anyway, my point is, if you're willing to relax a bit, in my experience, others are more willing to be open to the newer stuff. Eventually, DH jumped into cloth completely, and I bought a couple of velcro closer diapers (most were snaps) for nursery workers and the grandparents to use.


BFing, in general, is just something that you have to be unapologetic about, really! People get over cloth easier, I think. Find the balance of being comfortable yourself, and not purposely offending and making everyone else uncomfortable.