How to say "no"

[Abigail8673]

I am due in 5/6 weeks. I am getting really fusterated with family. I have 3 sisters, that all have spouses plus my two parents, my husband has 5 siblings all with another and his two parents and im not kidding when i say they ALL plan on coming. Im so f***ing annoyed. My MIL is super over bearing and had all 6 of her kids within 2 hours (all natural too) and thinks childbirth is easy and keeps telling me I dont know what im talking about and visitors arnt a big deal because you really arnt in that bad of shape after. then because this is the first grand baby/ nephew on my hubby side they ALL want to be there and I keep telling them they can come but have to leave within 15/20 mins because we will be tired and NEED to work on breastfeeding its our goal and we want time to bond as a family and they keep telling me im so selfish!! its pissing me off then i have my family who thinks that my in laws are ridiculous but they are no better! they all want to be there and stay and say they will make a huge fuss if his family is there because they think they are too annoying. I understand everyone is excited for this baby, I know they want to see him but I think that coming taking a quick photo and leaving is all that should be allowed for the few day because there is so many of them, they are all loud people, and i want time with my son and husband ALONE TIME. we will be tired enough I dont think we need to entertain a bunch of people . I dont know how to get it through their skulls. my husband is almost sheepish on the issue but all i can think it hes NOT the one delivering this baby and he WILL be exhausted

 

[mac1979]

Conspire with the nurses before hand and ask if they can kick the visitors out after 15 or so minutes if your in laws won't listen to you. Nurses are good at that.

 

[undomestic]

I agree - get the nurses to kick them out.

Also, maybe just call them all a couple hours after you've given birth - so gives you some time before they descend upon you?

My mom will be in the room with me and my husband, but she is under strict instructions that extended family is not to be informed until after I've already given birth - not before and not during.

 

[smokey]

I had the same problem last time.
I made the mistake of phoning my mum to say our son was born and the next thing I know my parents are hammering on the hospital door before I was even finished beimg stitched up, I was still sitting in a pool of blood.
The 2 families are the same, one always thinks the other is getting somthing they arnt or better "treatment" so if I say no to one side its a case of "oh I bet his family will be there"
I didnt mind as much as I thought I would because I was actually in pretty good shape after and wasnt tired at all (but my whole labour was less then 2 hours) I just wanted rid of them so I could go jump in the shower.
Im the end I allowed my parents in because I knew I could handle them and told in laws they could come other once we where home but split into 2 lots (big family) each only staying for an hour then tild my mum seen as she had the privalege of being the first to see him she would wait a day or 2 for another visit.
Rest of my family just saw him in bits other the next week or two (the ones that cared)
This time ill tell them my family can visit for an hour or two in the morning and his in the evening but no one is to visit at the hospital this time as im hoping to be out pretty quickly.

 

[elle86]

Just don't tell them you have even had the baby until your ready and the tell the nurses to kick them out after a few minutes
Not your fault- hospital policy ;-)

 

[Babushka]

I only want close family visiting in the hospital as I will only be in for 2 days. I've had to bluntly tell people that I would appreciate some rest & relaxation in the hospital and will let them know when we are ready for visitors at home. However, a couple of workmates mentioned visiting when I was early in second trimester so I'm going to have a word to the hospital about this. I couldn't imagine visiting someone after giving birth who I'm not that close to, it makes me wonder how some people think!

As OP mentioned, talk to your hospital & let them play bad cop. There's tons of excuses they could use, ur feeding or having a nap is a good start.

 

[Glitter_berry]

I would bluntly say.
" sorry dh an I are going to go through labour and delivery in our own and we will call you when we are up for visitors as this is an overwhelming time for us. "

If they say you are selfish reply with
" you may think that, but don't you think imposing on a labouring woman without her consent is selfish, you will have plenty of time to meet baby, but I will be going through labor and delivery alone with my husband. "

 

[mummie2be]

Like pp's said let the nursesplay bad cop. A friend of mine is a l&d nurse and said that most of them actually enjoy being bad cop because a lot of them have been in your position and know what it feels like so they stick up for you.

 

[Missy08]

I agree with everyone else, also, let the nurses kick them out I also agree with your stance and I will likely be dealing with the same thing. This is our second baby and with my DD we were sooo tired after being up all night, then going through delivery. Our DD was born at 8am so people started coming to visit right away and I felt like I couldn't tell them no...I even had people visiting (not family) before I was out of the L&D room This time I will be telling people beforehand when they can/can't come visit.

 

[Jess137]

I told everyone ahead of time that if they came while I was in labor, they would be waiting a long time to see/hold the baby! I don't really care what they think, we need our time as a family first especially to establish breastfeeding, etc. I will be using the nurses if necessary!

 

[TeddyBearPug]

When I had my childbirth class, the instructor told us to let the nurses be the bad guys and that they would enforce any decision we made. They can even put a sign on your door that says to check in at the nurses station first. That sounds like a lot of people to visit. I wouldn't call and tell them anything has happened until you are ready for visitors.

 

[Sarahdisco]

OH and I have told both sets of parents that we'll be doing this on our own thankyou very much! My mum has been told to be on standby in case I have an "I need my mummy!" moment but she's under strict instructions that if that happens, she's not to tell anyone as MIL will get upset that she wasn't there too (they have this weird competitive thing going).

In terms of visitors after the birth, it'll all depend on how labour goes for me but we're working on the idea that my mum, stepdad and sister and the parents-in-law will come up to the hospital for an hour or so but thats it. No extended family, they will wait till I'm home and settled. Any visitors will be told to wait at least a couple of hours so that I can make myself presentable and we both have a chance to bond with the baby and hopefully start breastfeeding (me not OH!). To be fair they've all been pretty good about this.

Just sit them all down and be forceful about it. Its your baby, its your delivery and you and OH are doing this alone. If they are going to make life difficult then they will be waiting longer to see the baby.

Oh and let the nurses play bad guy! My best friend is a midwife (handy eh!?) and she LOVES playing bad guy to the grandparents!!!

 

[AP]

Just don't tell them if possible, not until you are all settled - worked for us We never told anyone we were in labour, both times. They were only told when the baby was born.

With our second we said no visitors, and we meant it. If anyone turned up I was going to get the nurses to refuse them.

 

[MumMumMum]

This time we are not telling anyone except my parents that labour is happening. We have to tell them as they are having our daughter for us.

I'm hoping to be out of hospital the same day so that would mean no visitors anyway. If I do stay we are going to say no to any visitors except my parents and they will bring my daughter.

Once home we are using the excuse of letting dd1 adjust before we have visitors. I expect about a week. I'm really hoping to make it as easy on her as possible.

Last time was a difficult labour and dd and I weren't at our best. This time I want to relax and enjoy the first few days and hopefully get bf underway.

 

[aimee-lou]

Just don't tell them if possible, not until you are all settled - worked for us We never told anyone we were in labour, both times. They were only told when the baby was born.

With our second we said no visitors, and we meant it. If anyone turned up I was going to get the nurses to refuse them.

This is what we did. Didn't tell anyone (to the point where I was puffing and panting in the background while hubby made excuses about me being in the shower lol) until LOs were both here, and then EVERYONE was told that if they showed up before they were invited to come then they would be turned away at the door. Only person who kind of knew with Eddy was MIL as she had Earl for us so she knew he was coming soon when we dropped Earl off....but that was 3 days before he actually came lol.

When our first was born we did have a few words with my Mum who wanted to come and see us when Earl was 2 days old and I just said she's have a wasted journey so she waited. We invited everyone up when Earl was 5-7 days old and that was too soon as my labour was long and tiring but we felt guilty holding them off any longer.

 

[GemmaG]

I'm sorry your not not there to put on a show for all to see...... I will be having no-one other than DH and my family and in laws were annoyed when I told them I didn't want anyone there! Its overwhelming enough without tons of people around you especially as a FTM you need time together to try and adjust to everything. Just don't tell them when you go and I agree with PP speak with your nurse and inform her that you want no visitors then let her enforce it xx

 

[tommyg]

Just don't tell them if possible, not until you are all settled - worked for us We never told anyone we were in labour, both times. They were only told when the baby was born.

With our second we said no visitors, and we meant it. If anyone turned up I was going to get the nurses to refuse them.

Who looked after your first while you were having your second?
I would like to do the same if I'm lucky enough to have a second baby but can't work out what to do with DS.

To the OP just don't tell anybody you are in labour and once baby is home, phone prior to visiting. And if they don't actually ask just go out or if they turn up unannounced "sorry I'm just getting ready to go out". My MIL was classic at phoning me telling me "I'm coming round at 4 to visit" not actually asking was 4 a good time to visit so I'd pack up and head out. She got the message eventually.

And more recently she was trying the 4pm thing on a Saturday so the first few times I waited until they were gone before starting dinner then decided sod it and started making dinner while they were here. After a few weeks they got the message 4pm is not a good time to visit I want to get dinner ready for 5/5.30.

We never told anybody that I was in labour either in fact DS was about 4 hours old before we told people mainly because he was born at 4 in the morning. I was in labour for 36 hours and a few phone calls with my mum and sister but never cracked that I was in labour.

 

[yoshy]

My SIL gave birth on Sunday this week, and I did her the favour a few weeks ago of bringing up the subject of who would be allowed near the hospital when she was in labour, cuz my DH (her brother) had told me he was planning to go to the hospital while she was in labour so he could see her and the baby afterwards. I told him he was an idiot, and that there was no way in hell he was doing that, but he insisted, so I made sure to bring it up with my SIL when we saw them next.

She made it very clear to him and their other two brothers that no one was to come to the hospital until a reasonable amount of time after she gave birth, and that all visits were to be arranged through her husband ahead of time.

She gave birth on Sunday morning, DH went to see her on Monday evening, they came home yesterday (home to my in-laws), and I'm hopefully going round this evening to say hi and meet my niece. That said, I don't plan on staying more than 10-15 minutes, cuz I know my SIL is still exhausted, and she and the baby need bonding and alone time!

When I give birth in a few weeks, my parents and DH will be with me in the hospital, and will all be allowed in the room during my labour. Everyone else can bloody well sod off until I'm feeling up to seeing them.
We live down the street from my in-laws, so once we get home, we'll hopefully see plenty of them, and since I'm hoping not to be in the hospital more than a day after giving birth, I'm hoping they and my BILs will be content to wait a day or so until we get home to come visit.