How to tell an infertile work colleague you're pregnant?

[iluvcocopops]

I work for a very small company (7 people - 5 men & another lady including myself). I sit about 8ft away from the other lady. I know her & her husband have been trying for the past 10yrs to have a baby, but after 3 miscarriages they haven't had any joy. She is 48 now, but I know she still has monthly periods & still slings to the hope that someday it will happen.

I'm very nervous about telling her that I am pregnant. In the past she has told me how upset she has been when she found out her friends were pregnant.

I know my pregnancy will upset her & I will try my best not to moan about pregnancy symptoms or talk about babies, but she will still have to look at my growing bump every day.

Really don't want this to ruin our friendship or damage the work environment, but at the same time I don't want to feel guilty about being pregnant.

Anyone else ever been in a similar position & how did you deal with it?

 

[Lauz85]

No experience however when pregnant with my son my best friend found out she was pregnant too and there was only a few weeks between us but then she had a mc and I felt guilty but she actually was very happy for me and didn't want me to feel like I couldn't talk to her. I think you need to be honest with her and just say you know that she'll find it difficult and you'll try and be considerate to her feelings and then let her take the lead!

I'd imagine after 10 years of ttc she is more than prepared for these conversations and although finds it difficult for herself she wouldn't want you to feel guilty x

 

[Yo_Yo]

I think you sound like a wonderful work friend think of her feelings on this

It's a difficult situation, and one I can relate to. At some point in going to have to tell my lttc friend who had been trying for years too. I feel guilty and it's a weight on my mind too.

I think when your ready to tell people, just bite the bullet and tell her. I'm sure she will be happy for you.

I think also keeping it low key with her, and only mentioning it if she instigates baby talk might help too. This is what I plan on doing

 

[maryanne1987]

If it were me I'd just come out and tell her just like you would tell everyone else. I always found that people tip toeing around me upset me more. After 10 years she may be pretty hardened to it like I was. Although I wouldn't get into daily bump updates with her, she may not appreciate it. Maybe just keep baby talk to a minimum when talking. I think it's really lovely your considering her feelings though!

 

[lemsz]

tell her in an sms or email, when i was going through that stage i hated having to react in the moment, it gives her time to have a cry and then talk to you the next time she sees you . she doesnt have to paste a smile on right away, and maryanne doesnt matter how long its been , she probably still feels like her heart bleeds every time

 

[maryanne1987]

tell her in an sms or email, when i was going through that stage i hated having to react in the moment, it gives her time to have a cry and then talk to you the next time she sees you . she doesnt have to paste a smile on right away, and maryanne doesnt matter how long its been , she probably still feels like her heart bleeds every time

That's not everyone lemsz. For me I found as the years went on i hardened up to it. Yes I was just as upset but I found it easier to put on a brave face as Id had a lot of practice. All I can is give is my personal experience as im not in others position just as others havent been in mine. There's no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone handles infertility differently.

 

[_jellybean_]

Goodness, it is hard. Before I had my little ones, we thought that I would never be able to b/c of my health, and I remember that a family member got pregnant, and I was the last to know in the family b/c she was nervous to tell me b/c she didn't want to hurt my feelings. For me, that made it sting much more, because I really felt left out.

She ended up coming over and talking to me and I WAS happy but I was also a mess, and I had to pretend I wasn't. So yeah it was tough for me to be around her. I guess I would have rather had a phone call or a kind-hearted, well thought out email.

 

[iluvcocopops]

Thank you so much ladies for taking the time to comment. It really is a tricky one, because everyone reacts & handles situations like this differently. She has told me in the past that she has unfollowed friends on Facebook when they got pregnant because she didn't want to hear anything about their pregnancy. I just don't know how she will deal with me sitting beside her everyday with a growing bump. I will of course be quiet when it comes to talking about the baby, but it's hard to ignore a big bump when it's in front of your face everyday.

And it's hard to know what's best - a heart felt email or a quiet talk face to face. It's just hard to know which would be easiest on her.

 

[EverythingXd]

That's so kind of you to be considering her feelings. No my experience a big no-no is to say you got pregnant 'by accident' or 'first time trying.' If you did, just best not mention it as, to someone TTC for a long time, it can feel like salt in the wounds.

She may be upset however you deal with it, but I'm sure you will handle it brilliantly because you have put so much thought into it, and that will make it as easy as possible for her.

 

[DobbyForever]

It's hard. Some people would rather get that news face to face and others would prefer it via email. It's a personal choice that only she could give you the answer to. I would just tell her in person, and not make a big deal of it either way. Nothing drives me crazier than when people follow up their baby announcements with "I know this must be killing you/ how hard this must be given your situation." There's not getting around it hurting her, so the best thing to do is just lay it out there and try not to bombard her with news every day. Not saying you would. But again, it kills me every time my friends send me (personally me not just a fb post) videos and pictures of their kids. Let her drive the conversation. She'll either congratulate you and move on, she may ask questions. So I guess I'm saying is tell her and then let her let you know what she wants to know and how involved she wants to be. I always appreciated when those coworkers or friends let me come to them with questions about their pregnancy or babies.

 

[Wish85]

Firstly, I just want to say how beautiful you are for being so compassionate towards how she may feel when she finds out.

It really depends on the kind of person she is, none of us know her therefore none of us can know how she will react. Either way, you have to be honest with her and if she is visibly upset, show her empathy but don't let it get in the way of being excited that you're pregnant. We all have our own journey's.

My SIL can't have children naturally due to an auto-immune issue and she went through countless rounds of IVF before she had her first (she has 2 now) but she watched so many friends and family go through pregnancy and childbirth and she was honestly so happy for every single person. She never got down about it even though all she wanted was to be a mum. She may be the exception to the rule but there are people out there who accept their situation and don't compare themselves to others who have a different journey. Good luck

 

[MoBaby]

Coming from me as someone who has done countless rounds of ivf (11 transfers; multiple miscarriages and such): people who struggle with infertility will almost always be happy for the person who is pregnant Because we wouldn't wish infertility on anyone. Then there is this sad component when you are like it's not fair etc. everyone of my friends and family had a baby before I even could get pregnant. I became very very bitter and angry. But then I realized- it's not their fault they can get pregnant easily or it's not their fault I struggle. So I learned to be happy for others. Did it still hurt- sure it did but there comes a point when you can't tip toe around others for situations outside of your control.
I say when you are comfortable, maybe at the end of the day, tell her. Tell her you've been struggling with telling her but you wanted her to know from you and not hear it otherwise that you're expecting. Tell her you want to be sensitive to her and her feelings. Just be honest with her. Will she be sad? Yes. But she will also be so incredibly happy for you as well.