Husband attending wedding other side of the world, when baby just born - thoughts?

[kitchenware]

Was hoping for some input from you ladies on whether I am just being hormonal and unreasonable, or whether this is a mad idea.
My husband's brother is getting married ( for the second time) on March 19th in Australia. Our baby is due on the 3rd feb, and we also have a 2 yr old and 4 yr old. His family are expecting him to attend. We live in Switzerland.
This would involve him leaving me with 3 kids, including a one month old, and 2 preschoolers alone for at least 7 days. I have no family around to help, and not all that many friends. It would also involve him being really tired because of jet lag, and using up 5 days of our holidays together to go. Not to mention the cost.
My kids only have childcare 2 mornings a week, and I just don't know how I am going to cope. I do realize, that he could be called on to go on a business trip at a similar time, but at least that wouldn't involve spending our money and annual leave allocation.
My husband is too scared of upsetting his family by saying no, but is this not an unreasonable thing to expect someone to do? He is not particularly close to his brother ( given that they live on different continents, and probably only really speaks to him a couple of times a year).
I'm really struggling with spd and things at the moment, which I know will be better once the baby is born, but I'm still getting really panicked about that week, already!

Am I being unreasonable? Any tips on how to get out of this?
My husband's view was that we also can't get out of it because we knew about the wedding before we got pregnant. But things change right? They've been engaged for over 2 years, were we suppose to put our life on hold in the lead up?

Ahhh! Sorry for long rambling post.

 

[Starlight32]

I think your husband should skip the trip. It's nice he wants to attend, but you and his children are number one priority.

 

[Blu10]

If your baby comes late it may not even be a month old. Id be annoyed if my DH wanted to go I think x

 

[xdxxtx]

Sorry, but I do think he should be there for his brother. I don't care if it's his second wedding. If the first one didn't work out, then that makes this one even more special, that he's willing to put his heart on the line again. And it deserves the same recognition as any other wedding.

It's only 5 days. It stinks that your time and money is being used for it, but he shouldn't have to feel guilty on spending money on his family, no matter which part of the family it is. And you'll make it, too.

Not to compare, but instead to give you hope and a more realistic idea of what it's like to have 3 little kids on your own, I TOLD my OH to go back to work the day after I got out of the hospital after my third baby was born (my others were 11m and 2). I have no help or childcare. My kids go where I go. My partner works 66-73 hours a week, usually 70. If you create a routine and follow it, you'll be able to give each of your kids LOTS of attention and care AND have a clean house. And even if it's a struggle, it's only 5 days. You can have meals prepped ahead of time and just worry about giving everyone attention. Chances are it won't be as difficult as you think. Your newborn could have a growth spurt during that time and do nothing but sleep!

You have the rest of your life with your family. Your brother in law won't be getting married every day. I think he should go. But I'm just some stranger on the Internet. I really hope I've sounded as kind and positive as I'm trying to be. I know sometimes, in words on a page, we can sound judgmental or mean when we aren't trying to be. I completely understand your point of view and would feel the same way, but in the end, my OH would need to go and support his brother, even if it's hard on me.

 

[MindUtopia]

I would say you're absolutely not being unreasonable. I can see how your husband is feeling really torn, but at the same time, I think his family would be unreasonable to expect that he would attend. My husband and I also have lots of family overseas, in the U.S. and in Australia and NZ (we live in the UK), and our family are very understanding that traveling to see them really isn't a realistic thing in most cases even with just one toddler (and I'm not even pregnant!). It's expensive and it takes a lot of time out from family commitments here.

My husband did go away to a wedding for a weekend when our daughter was 3 months old. It was in the UK though, about 3 hours drive from us, and that was fine (it was an adults only wedding which is why we couldn't all go), but that's completely different. I didn't have any older toddlers. It was 3 months after the birth. Things were much more manageable at that point. And it was just for a night. I think absolutely it's a reasonable expectation that your husband would graciously decline and offer to make it up to them when they are next in the UK by planning something special with them. We have an almost 3 year old now, and though my husband and I have both traveled overseas for work (unavoidable), I still don't think either of us would leave the other for a week just for a family event, not to mention the cost. It just doesn't seem totally realistic and I think most rational people (hopefully his family are rational) would see that. We have a family wedding in Oman next summer that we already know about. I won't be pregnant, but even still we won't be going. It's expensive and it's just not a good way to spend our time and money. We'll celebrate with our family when they're here (they're already planning a second reception here because they know there's lots of us who won't be able to attend).

And anyway, if baby was a couple weeks late and you ended up with a c-section, he literally wouldn't be able to go because you might not be able to drive or do other basic things, in which case, he'd have to cancel his trip and lose a lot of money, which just sounds like a waste.

 

[wildflower79]

In my opinion you're not being unreasonable and its a mad idea! As the pp mentioned, baby may be late or you may take longer to recover from labour.

Does your husband even want to go? or is it more that he's worried about upsetting his family? I can't imagine wanting to leave a month old baby for a whole week.

The only way I'd consider it would be if I could arrange for my family to come stay the week and help out, or at least just be around in case I needed them.

I think it's totally unreasonable for his family to just expect him to be attending. Have neither of them mentioned the possibilty he might not be able to attend?

 

[kitchenware]

No he doesn't want to go either. They aren't very close at all, we didn't have them at our wedding.
He's just scared about upsetting things. His parents are super excited about the wedding (think they think as this is our 3rd child, it's of little interest), can't talk or think of anything else. I don't think would occur to them that it isn't the most important thing on our radar as well. When we told them we were having a baby their first response was ' but what about the wedding?'.
It would actually be closer to 10 days as would include both weekends. Feel like if it was a work trip at least it would be shorter, not at the weekend and wouldn't be so far. For work he wouldn't really fly for more than a couple of hours away, and if something went wrong he could fly back at relatively short notice. He can't really do that from Australia, I think the shortest way to do it from here is 28 hours... Just thinking what would I do if one of the kids got ill, or I did. I literally have no one around. Maybe I should think of getting an au pair or something for a week or so, but then that's more cost and organisation.

Sorry if I sounded a bit flippant about it being his second wedding. I didn't mean to denigrate anyone on second marriage at all, but it's because he did the giant blow out event 4 years ago with huge cathedral wedding. We all spent a fortune traveling to event, buying black tie suits and outfits and John lewis wedding gifts. My husband had to do a speech, it was 3 years in the planning, made Kate and Wills wedding seem modest. He has only just finished paying off the loan they took out for that wedding, and now he is doing the whole thing again... I have no judgement on that if it's what he wants to do ( as mentioned we see them only once in a blue moon, I know nothing of his life) but it does feel a bit like we have already done our bit.

 

[jessthemess]

I also think he should be there for his brother.

 

[MrsBroodyPant]

I think you, your husband and children come as a package, so if you all can't go then nobody goes. His brother should be more understanding and so should your inlaws. I'd find it understandable under the circumstances. They can't expect him to go alone and leave you alone too. Try not to feel bad about it, but I'd get your husband to talk to his brother asap so you can relax and stop worrying xxx

 

[Topanga053]

My answer would change depending on your husband's feelings. If he really wanted to go, then I would do my best to support him and just make it through. But if he really doesn't want to go (as you've said) and is only doing it to keep the peace, then I would have a really hard time justifying the strain on you and the cost. I don't think keeping the peace by itself is a good reason to travel half-way across the world when it will put a huge strain on your partner and children.

Last month, when I was 30+ weeks pregnant, I urged DH to go on a trip with his close friend half-way across the country for a sporting event that DH had been dying to see for years. It meant I was hugely pregnant and alone with our 21 month old daughter for five days, but I am so glad DH went (and I supported him) because he would have really regretted not doing. So I understand making sacrifices for a spouse to take trips. But I would NOT have encouraged or wanted DH to go if it hadn't been that important to him personally.

Just the other day DH's family invited him to a mini-reunion of sorts that will take place across the country a month after our second is expected to be born and he told them no right away. He told his family he couldn't leave me alone with a toddler and a newborn so soon after me giving birth. It isn't a wedding, but his family completely understands.

I think your husbands family should understand if he doesn't go. They should understand that Spouses and children come first and that it is too difficult for DH to leave you alone with two kids and a newborn right after birth with no family support nearby. That is a perfectly acceptable reason to miss the wedding, IMO. It's not as if your husband is saying, "sorry, I know the wedding is right down the street, but I'm going to be taking a nap that afternoon." He has a great reason to gracefully back out and send a (large) gift instead.

 

[Qmama79]

I totally agree with Topanga.

We can't predict health or recovery after giving birth. You can be feeling great, or poorly! Who knows. You'll resent your in-laws, and BIL if you're left in a lurch with no back up. I wld assume any reasonable person wld understand. This wedding is not about OH, its about his brother. And to be honest, if they aren't super close, it won't be devastating if he can't make it.
I was ill in 3rd tri & fr months after birth with my first. We emigrated & like you I didn't have family or support. It was hard enough oh needed to go to work, letting me cope with a premie & poor health. I wld have resented him and his family if he went away.

This time my OH is visiting family & I'll be staying home when baby is 5 months. I'm fine with that as I should have settled into a routine by then. I made the decision against flying & traveling with baby & toddler as we need to do multiple flights as our family is spread across Europe & I just am not up to it (after having done it 4 times over the last 3 years). Our whole family is travelling together in 2017 instead.

 

[laila 44]

No way in hell would I let my husband go unless I had help and was covered for that week. It seems crazy to me!

 

[MichCuc]

Wow, I'm in a really similar situation!

We live in the US and my husbands oldest brother is getting married in April in Jamaica. We have a 2 year old, and I'm due with #2 mid March. This makes the baby about a month old come the wedding. They are very understanding of our situation, and we feel badly that we can't all go, it sounds like a lovely wedding and I'm sad to miss it. We're still trying to decide if my husband should go by himself though. He will really be sad to miss it, but also doesn't want to go without me. It's a tough call. I actually want my husband to go, because its his brother who he gets along very well with, and he's asked my hubby to be co-bestman (with their other brother), so it would really mean a lot to them all if hubby can go. But we're still trying to figure it all out. He'd go for about 3-4 days... but I have family very close to me, and a few close trusted friends I can lean on if I need help. So, its kind of different.

Can't offer any real advice, but just wanted to offer my good wishes for whatever ends up happening!

 

[kitchenware]

Thanks ladies, glad it's not just me being insane. Seems husband really doesn't want to go anyway. I'm sofa bound with Spd at the moment and it's difficult seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but think it's too much of a risk and by the time we can book tickets if I am alright, it'll be too late anyway. Not sure about the cost of last minute tickets to Australia, but pretty sure they will be ridiculous.
I say that but I've yet to see how he is going to wriggle out of it! He said that actually last time he spoke to his brother, he wasn't actually that bothered, it was more his parents. Maybe if he still wants to go, I should insist he takes the other 2 kids with him, 28 hours on a flight with a 2 yr old and 4 yr old would put anyone off...

 

[SaraVO]

This is the part where husband's and wives are viewed so differently by society. If it were me and he was very close to his brother and would be heartbroken to miss his wedding I would ask someone to come visit while he was gone but, if all he cares about is not upsetting family than I would send the nicest gift on their registry with a beautiful note inviting the uncle and new aunt to visit you at their earliest convenience and I would save the money and time. But you didn't mention if culture or religion is a factor I know that for some weddings are more than a party but are pretty dang important. But considering its a married man that they don't mind leaving his family and a second marriage I'm guessing probably not.

FYI I asked my husband and he said no way in hell would he travel that far without me.. but pretty sure he is smart enough to know what I want to hear.

 

[SaraVO]

Thanks ladies, glad it's not just me being insane. Seems husband really doesn't want to go anyway. I'm sofa bound with Spd at the moment and it's difficult seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, but think it's too much of a risk and by the time we can book tickets if I am alright, it'll be too late anyway. Not sure about the cost of last minute tickets to Australia, but pretty sure they will be ridiculous.
I say that but I've yet to see how he is going to wriggle out of it! He said that actually last time he spoke to his brother, he wasn't actually that bothered, it was more his parents. Maybe if he still wants to go, I should insist he takes the other 2 kids with him, 28 hours on a flight with a 2 yr old and 4 yr old would put anyone off...

That's a good idea. Maybe mention that as a dad he will be attending with his kids and how much his mom would love to help with them. That might get his parents to see reason.

 

[Qmama79]

Taking the kids if he decides to go! An excellent idea! I traveled 9 hs on my own with my 3 yr old & flight was hell both ways!! It'll motivate yr OH not to go as I'm sure he won't be up far that!!

 

[Spudtastic]

This is the part where husband's and wives are viewed so differently by society. If it were me and he was very close to his brother and would be heartbroken to miss his wedding I would ask someone to come visit while he was gone but, if all he cares about is not upsetting family than I would send the nicest gift on their registry with a beautiful note inviting the uncle and new aunt to visit you at their earliest convenience and I would save the money.

This is really good advice . If my dh really wanted to go I wouldn't stop him. If it's just for family expectations I'd be telling him to put his own family first.