Husband is Leaving Me

[klbp15]

***Please read this and post without judgement. I don't need to hear things about him or me. I just need a bit of support right now as this is a very very difficult for me.

My husband and i have been married for 1 1/2 we have been together almost 4. We tried for 10 months to conceive. We both wanted this baby. At week 17 he came to me and advised that he had started an emotional affair with a woman at work almost a month earlier. She was his soulmate and that he wanted a divorce. I knew he was depressed and knew that we were both a bit unhappy about how much time we were spending together but I had no idea things had spiraled this far. He agreed to go to counseling and he stopped talking to her.

Expect he didn't. He kept seeing her and talking with her behind my back and saying he was on the fence about what he wanted to do. The therapy was useless since he wasn't fully committed to making it work. He still is talking to her. I moved out for the last several days as a temporary thing to give him some time to make a decision. I want our marriage to work. i love my husband and unfortunately he has a never seen a successful relationship. I thought given enough time he would be able to see what he had and what he would give up.

I spoke with him tonight and he is still talking with her and has the whole time I've been away from the house. He has no intention of stopping the communication. I asked him to pack his things and move out if he wont stop seeing her. I wont share him. I believe he plans to leave and also divorce me..

I don't want this. I still love him. I want him to give our marriage and family a chance. If this woman wasn't in the picture he has no reason to leave. He was slightly unhappy but nothing we couldn't work on. He can't give me a reason why he wants to leave. He has never cheated before and He says he still loves me but that's hard to believe

Now I sit here at 29 weeks knowing that i'm going to be single momma. He's too selfish obviously to be a good daddy. I'm so upset. this was supposed to be the happiest time of my life and I feel like I'm dying.

1) do i go to lamaze class by myself or just do my research on my own and watch some videos. I don't want anyone else to go with me and I don't want to be alone
2) Do i uninvite his family to the baby shower? I don't know how the final chips will fall and His mother and sister are still extremely supportive and I love his family very much.

I'm so very very confused and so sad. this person isn't the man i married and i don't know what else to do. Thank you for reading and for anyone that responds i just needed to get this out.

 

[likeaustralia]

Does his family know what's going on? If they are still supportive and want to be involved, and you want them around, I wouldn't uninvite them.

I'm assuming that this is your first baby, so I would definitely recommend you attend a birthing class. It doesn't have to be lamaze. But do something so that you can help to prepare yourself and perhaps reach out to people who might be able to help you more. If you can, contact the instructor ahead of time and find out the best way for a potentially single mom to attend a class.

Best of luck, mama. I'm sure this is very hard.

 

[Mummy_Mac]

Do what you feel comfortable with - if you want them there then have them there and likewise if you don't.

Definitely go to a class Hun you really need the support to get through the next few months.

Do you have a family member or friend you trust to take over as birthing partner?

You need to be selfish at this point and focus on you and keep yourself as calm and stress free as you can.

You can (and will) get through this Hun and never think you are not strong enough Hun. X x

 

[klbp15]

Thank you both very much for your responses. His sister knows all the details about what is going on and feels that he making a huge mistake. His mother simply knows he wants to leave, not the sordid details. I'll probably keep them invited. I don't want them to be excluded.

I might have a friend who can go to the class with me. Unfortunately the first class is tomorrow night and its super short notice to be inviting someone new. I might just go alone, that way i know what's going on. I really don't trust someone else at this time to not let me down.

I just want him to be there with me :'(
I told him not to come though if he was still talking to her and i figure he won't show up. I don't count on him for anything right now.

 

[klsltsp]

Big hugs

I know it's hard, but everything will work out. You can do this. Look after you, no one else will. I wasn't on my own for the birth of my first, but I was from 3 months and you know I did it!! Actually I loved it!! My motto for my ex's family was always that I never wanted to be the one to keep my son away form his aunts or grandmother. So if I were you, I would totally keep them invited, if they chose not to participate, well that's their choice. I never wanted to have to explain to my ds when he was older that I didn't allow him to know his family, since like it or not they are his family!

My advice is to find someone whom you can rely on.. for me as supportive as my mom and sister were, it was hard for them to be impartial.. I found it a lot easier to have a close friend.

So take care of yourself and your baby, the rest will all fall where it's supposed to fall. My new motto in life became "it is what it is", in other words, worry about things that I can control...everything else is not worth my time. You can't control what he's going to do or not do, so take care of things that you need to and if he comes around then it's a bonus, if he doesn't then you are prepared.

Good luck!!

Kim

 

[Laroawan]

I am very sorry this is happening to you.

I have no personal experience with this but something similar did happen to my mom. When I was less than a year old my dad left my mom for another woman. He moved out of our house and moved in with his gf. My mom stayed faithful to him and continued to hope he would come back which he eventually did after a few months. Their marriage lasted another ~15 years after that but I wouldn't say they were ever fully happy. There were good times for sure but also a lot of bad. Eventually the fighting became too much and as a teenager I ended up begging my mom to leave him which she eventually did. I later found out that my dad suffers from mental illness and refused to take medication or seek any kind of help for it.

As the child in that unhappy home I wished my parents hadn't stayed together as long as they had. I didn't understand why my mom kept forgiving him when he wasn't putting anything into the relationship. Even as a kid I was aware on some level that my dad wasn't fully committed to our family. He would take off on long trips by himself out of the blue, spend money on himself that our family really needed, and take on "jobs" that pulled him away from our family (I say "jobs" because he rarely took money for the work he did).

Of course every situation and relationship is different. You need to evaluate what you want and need right now and in the future. Just remember, you deserve a real partner, someone who is fully committed to you, your child and your life together.

For your questions:
1) I think it would be good to build up your support system now. Do you have close friends or family who can help you through the birthing process and support you when the baby comes? I know you said you don't want to do lamaze with anyone else but if there is anyone who you can at least watch videos and prepare with I think it would be really helpful.

2)As long as his family remains supportive I would probably still invite them. No matter what happens with you and him, they will still be your babies grandparents and aunts/uncles.

 

[winterbabies3]

I am a strong believer in, everything happens for a reason. Even tho things can happen and we don't understand why but there is something else out there!! Sorry if your not religious but God never gives you more than you can handle and always has a plan for you and your child! I wish you the best of luck and you can get through this!! As others have said, you do need to be selfish. You are carrying his child and doing it alone. Keep his family close, as theyre the child's grandparents and you want a good relationship with them for your child. Things will work out!! Spend your free time focused on baby and yourself!

P.S.
Shame on her for coming into a marriage. I just dealt with this with one of our friends=/

 

[Mississippi03]

Id give them the option, if they know whats up and stillwant to come then id let them. But if it will be too hard for you, then id just tell them that too!

As for the classes.. They do have online ones these days. You ould do that as an option if you feel uncomfortable going on your own. I would ask a fiend to at least come as a birth partner to support through the labour so you arent alone in this!

 

[Tink1o5]

First off huge huge !

Secondly I know it may be tough but I think it might be good to go to your lamaze classes. Even if you go alone it would get you out and not cooped up to sit around thinking about this all.
As far as his family goes, since they know somewhat of what's going on and are still very supportive I say let them be apart of your pregnancy. You could use all the support you can get right now. Plus they are still that little baby in your tummies family. So as long as they aren't causing a stir i see no problem.

Again I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!

 

[Baby.Love12]

I am very sorry you are going through this and as someone who has been in your situation not once but twice I truly feel your pain.

I know how alone you are feeling right now and it is very unacceptable for him to behave this way. I can tell you that once it happens it more than likely won't stop. I dealt with it for almost 6 years and it only got worse.

If his family still wants to be part of the baby by all means let them. After all they didn't do this, he did. I would definitely go to a birthing class so that you can see what the experience will be like? Does he not want to be in the delivery room or do you not want him to be? That is totally up to you and nobody else but it does help to have someone there with you.

I really hope it all works out for you and my heart really does hurt for you! We're all here for you if you need to talk.

 

[Misscalais]

Sorry for what you're going through, men like him only care about themselves. He will never put you and baby 1st.

1. I've done most things in my own cause hubby can't get out of work, so you can still do those things to help yourself. Do you have any family members or close friends that can come with you?
2. That's tricky, do they know the situation? Do you feel comfortable with them being there?
Good luck

 

[2have4kids]

Kl I'm so sorry you're going through this.

If your inlaws are supportive I'd include them if you're comfortable doing so. My DH's middle brother broke up with his gf during her pregnancy and DH's family has continued to provide love & support for her & her baby. Her baby is now 20 and has had her own baby, DH and his big bro just sent her $250 as a shower gift from Canada, they live in Scotland. DH's mom never did approve of the break up and while my bro-in-law found another lady to live his life with, the entire family was there for her throughout everything. I really hope it goes as positively for you with your in-laws no matter what happens with your man.

In psychology they often say that people who cheat have very low self esteem problems. I don't know if this is the case with your man but I hope you can find it in your heart to carry on with your classes, recruit a friend for birthing support and look back one day, pat yourself on the back for being an incredible lady & mom. I wish I could give you a huge hug right now, no one deserves this to happen to them.

 

[Berri]

1 ) go to go a class, everyone will be so focused on their own situation and trying to take it all in, they really won't care about yours. If you can find a family member or friend to take, do it.
2 ) if you want to invite them and feel they are genuinely supportive and it won't be awkward then I wouldn't un-invite them.

I'm sorry this is happening to you You say he can't give you a reason he wants to leave but what reasons has he given you that he is worthy enough to stay? You and your baby deserve more than someone who is only in it when it suits him. It's hard and it hurts but the fact that he lied to you and continues to speak to her says volumes. It will get easier and you CAN do it.

 

[klbp15]

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

I plan to keep his family involved. I think it'll be more awkward for him than me. Only his sister knows all the details I'll plan to tell his mother everything this week.

Because the first birthing class is in about 14 hours I plan to go by myself. It'll suck but hey this whole situation does. I've already told him that he can come to it if he wants but only if he plans to work on us and stop talking with her. I think there is a snowballs chance in hell of him showing up. He won't be in the room with me when the baby is born if he stays talking with her. I plan to have my mom with me, she unfortunately cannot take the class with me.

I've been away from the house for basically 5 or 6 days at this point I was planning to stay away til Wednesday afternoon, this was all to give him time to think. However his plan is now to pack his things and take a month at a hotel to think about things. With that in mind I plan to go back today and sleep there. I've slept horrible since I've been away, worse than my normal 5-6 hours and honestly it's like fuck him. I only planned to stay away to give him time to think and now he's going to take another month so dammit I'm going to sleep in my bed.

As I said in my original post I love this man. This is so far out of the norm for him everyone is shocked by his actions. He's depressed, stressed, and in a really dark place. This girl encouraging him doesn't help. This by no means justifies what he has done. It's deplorable and awful and I hate him for it. But I also know the man that he really is or can be. That is the man who I'm fighting for. At this point though I realize there is very little to do and to him the grass is greener on the other side. She is all the fun without the stress of being his wife and mother of his child. He may have to watch that relationship fall apart before he will admit he's wrong.

I couldn't wait to be a mother and now I sit here and wonder 1) should I give this baby to a home that will actually give him a chance of seeing a real mommy and daddy raising him together 2) If I keep the baby and raise it on my own (this 99% likely to be the case) I don't feel super connected right now, what if I'm completely fucked up because of this? What if I can't stand the sight of him? What if I can't connect?

I'm terrified. I have friends that love me and a great family but I've never felt more alone in my entire life.

 

[winterbabies3]

Oh hun, you will love this baby!! I hate ds1 father and my son looks just like him but he is my everything!! It sounds like you really want a baby and you were blessed to get one! If he doesn't want to step up to the plate anot her man will!! You will find happiness else where. Just not with him. I agree with not having him in the room! He choice this route and should have realized what he could miss! Maybe at your class you will meet other single moms! It's more common than what you think. Men have seen to lost their minds over the years!!

 

[StarAngel]

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this position. You need all the support you can get right now. I would remain in contact with his family, they will want to be involved in lo life. Whatever is happening with your marriage your husband still needs to be there for his child so I would suggest that to him that he be there for the appointments etc. As for what you are going through I hope you have people you can talk to, is there any mommy and baby support groups you could attend? I would get more active with things like that for your own piece of mind, you need to be sensitive to your needs right now as well as your babies. Remember... he still has responsibilities to his unborn child. Good luck and I hope things improve for you and your bundle of joy, ye both deserve it xxx

 

[Eleanor ace]

I am so sorry you're going through this . I really hope that your husband wakes up and realises how wrong this is. Do you think he would go to the doctor to talk about his depression?
Try not to fret about loving your baby and raising him as a single mother. You have just been dealt a terrible shock, it is natural that you would panic about these things, but give yourself time to adjust and you will, I promise. You will be an awesome mummy and your baby will bring you love and joy. I hope your Lamaze class goes well, hold your head up and concentrate on you x

 

[Twag]

Just wanted to offer you some so sorry you are having to go through this at such a special time in your life x

 

[Baby.Love12]

Oh hun, you will love this baby!! I hate ds1 father and my son looks just like him but he is my everything!! It sounds like you really want a baby and you were blessed to get one! If he doesn't want to step up to the plate anot her man will!! You will find happiness else where. Just not with him. I agree with not having him in the room! He choice this route and should have realized what he could miss! Maybe at your class you will meet other single moms! It's more common than what you think. Men have seen to lost their minds over the years!!

This is absolutely right!! After this happened to me when my now 6 year old was 3 months old a wonderful man came into my life and has raised her as his own. You will find happiness!

 

[klsltsp]

ah hun no need to worry, you will love this baby and you will be the babies everything!!! it's hard I totally know!! I was on my own at the beginning too, you will see that you will develop this strength and patience that you never thought possible. You can do this!!! If he comes around fantastic! if not you will have your baby who will keep you focused on a love that is stronger than you could ever imagine!!