husband is not attracted to my pregnancy body

[Akinesia]

I don't see what the big deal is with the porn. I don't like it and I think it is gross but if DH does and so long as I don't have to be subjected to it, I could care less. He tells me he loves me, makes me feel beautiful, respects me and that to me is enough. Is the problem the porn or that you aren't getting the attention you deserve?

I think pregnancy is a beautiful thing but I really can't blame DH for not being sexually attracted to my 6 month pregnant body. I have now gained 21 Ibs., have gas and eat like a truck driver. What's sexy about that? He is still affectionate and we giggle and still tell each other we love each other. This will pass but for now sex just seems to be awkward so if he needs to deal with himself on his own, so be it.

So well said! The Hubby and i are the same, we still tell each other we love each other, he still tells me i am beautiful and all that but he still watches his porn in his own time to sort himself out, lol! He is worried about having sex and hurting me and/or the baby - he said he wont be able to handle it if something happened to the baby because of sex.... I did tell him last night though that it really is safe as long as he doesn't ram me! He said he really wants to give it a go then, but if there are any signs of blood he is stopping straight away!

As a poster said earlier, i do think the men see us as delicate now that we're carrying their bub and they'd rather take the easy way out with porn than to go through the stress of sleeping with us and wondering if they're hurting the bub.

I will confess - i have been watching some porn myself when he isn't around hahaha. So it would be wrong of me to stop him from doing it. It doesn't mean i don't find him attractive at all either, just sometimes a quick fix is what is needed and just because he is a male doesn't mean he is instantly wanting those women over me at all. Women are just as capable of cheating and all that like men are.

That's a good point, and I tend to agree. The poster's issue seems to be more than the porn though. The porn seems to be more of an afterthought. If you have a hubby who can still make you feel beautiful and tells you how gorgeous you are, and sometimes happens to watch porn, then it's relatively easy for a woman to accept. But this poster's DH makes her feel unattractive in their day to day life, AND watches porn as his main means to get off. That's the unfortunate part of this situation, and in this circumstance I can completely see how the porn watching could make her feel upset and insecure with herself even more than just his comments and behaviour towards her alone.

 

[1stOne]

^WSS. There does seem to be a bigger issue here and I would be crushed if I was looking for a compliment and he answered the ways yours did.
Was it like this before you got pregnant? Seems like it isn't a porn or a pregnancy issue.

 

[Ventri]

I don't see what the big deal is with the porn. I don't like it and I think it is gross but if DH does and so long as I don't have to be subjected to it, I could care less. He tells me he loves me, makes me feel beautiful, respects me and that to me is enough. Is the problem the porn or that you aren't getting the attention you deserve?

I think pregnancy is a beautiful thing but I really can't blame DH for not being sexually attracted to my 6 month pregnant body. I have now gained 21 Ibs., have gas and eat like a truck driver. What's sexy about that? He is still affectionate and we giggle and still tell each other we love each other. This will pass but for now sex just seems to be awkward so if he needs to deal with himself on his own, so be it.

So well said! The Hubby and i are the same, we still tell each other we love each other, he still tells me i am beautiful and all that but he still watches his porn in his own time to sort himself out, lol! He is worried about having sex and hurting me and/or the baby - he said he wont be able to handle it if something happened to the baby because of sex.... I did tell him last night though that it really is safe as long as he doesn't ram me! He said he really wants to give it a go then, but if there are any signs of blood he is stopping straight away!

As a poster said earlier, i do think the men see us as delicate now that we're carrying their bub and they'd rather take the easy way out with porn than to go through the stress of sleeping with us and wondering if they're hurting the bub.

I will confess - i have been watching some porn myself when he isn't around hahaha. So it would be wrong of me to stop him from doing it. It doesn't mean i don't find him attractive at all either, just sometimes a quick fix is what is needed and just because he is a male doesn't mean he is instantly wanting those women over me at all. Women are just as capable of cheating and all that like men are.

That's a good point, and I tend to agree. The poster's issue seems to be more than the porn though. The porn seems to be more of an afterthought. If you have a hubby who can still make you feel beautiful and tells you how gorgeous you are, and sometimes happens to watch porn, then it's relatively easy for a woman to accept. But this poster's DH makes her feel unattractive in their day to day life, AND watches porn as his main means to get off. That's the unfortunate part of this situation, and in this circumstance I can completely see how the porn watching could make her feel upset and insecure with herself even more than just his comments and behaviour towards her alone.

Thanks for understanding, all of you Its pretty shitty to very rarely hear a complement from him. He only says things he means - I've heard that many times. Its like not hearing a complement it the most hurtful. I've brought this stuff up in the past and he just melts down into tears saying how much he loves me and how he's so lucky to have me. We say I love you every day but sometimes I want to be SHOWN that I'm loved amd wanted... ya know?
I've been to therapy from depression and he was the main topic of conversation and how he can make me feel with my physical and other needs. But we haven't been to a couples therapy.

 

[Hels_Bells]

Before we got pregnant, DH and I went through a phase where he would never initiate sex either and would often turn me down if I tried. He would rather just jerk off in the shower. It was really hurtful to me and I couldn't understand it either, but it turned out that he wasn't attracted to me anymore because we were constantly bickering and I was always in a bad mood. He just didn't want to be intimate with someone who acted that way. Maybe since you've become more sensitive about everything due to the pregnancy something similar is going on. Either way, it's a shame he isn't paying you more attention/compliments or respecting your needs.

 

[Akinesia]

Thanks for understanding, all of you Its pretty shitty to very rarely hear a complement from him. He only says things he means - I've heard that many times. Its like not hearing a complement it the most hurtful. I've brought this stuff up in the past and he just melts down into tears saying how much he loves me and how he's so lucky to have me. We say I love you every day but sometimes I want to be SHOWN that I'm loved amd wanted... ya know?
I've been to therapy from depression and he was the main topic of conversation and how he can make me feel with my physical and other needs. But we haven't been to a couples therapy.

I understand his whole only saying what he means mentality, but to a certain extent only. In a relationship you also have to be considerate of your partner's feelings. Some types of honesty are just too brutal for us, especially when we're pregnant and hormonal. Logically, I know my gassy bloated pregnant body is none too appealing, not that it's my fault, but I would still be insulted if my OH flat out refused to compliment me and was always pushing away my advances. We need our confidence boosted sometimes, we need support and affection, even if we fart ten times as much as OH now.

It goes both ways too. My drive has gone right down since becoming pregnant, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a frigid ice box to my OH. He has needs too and it's important to strike a balance to both keep your sanity for these nine months. I think maybe with some talking and therapy your DH may come around and learn that sometimes being kind and thoughtful needs to take precedence over blunt honesty. Hearing this from someone else may help him put it into perspective. Don't feel badly about yourself hun

 

[Annubrius]

I haven't read all the posts yet, but I read enough to say my piece;

Ventri, my OH is the same way in terms of, 'put on makeup, dress nice once in a while' etc.

This used to bother me. But after talking with him on the subject on how it made me feel, he explained to me that men are 90% visual stimulus.

He looks at me in Jammies and it's pretty meh. But if I shave, put on lingerie or even just some sexy underwear, it usually gets him started.

Recently, I've gotten him into toy play. He wasn't very into it at first, but discovered that he likes it when I use them, as long as he can participate.

As with the porn, it gets to me a little, but if I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to make the poor man wait for what could be days/weeks of inactivity. Sometimes him and I watch it together and share our 'interests' so to speak. (watch stuff he likes and stuff I like).

To go a step further, sometimes I do stuff to him while he watches. Instead of wagging fingers at him and frowning about it, I use it to my advantage!

Just thought I'd throw that out there!

 

[sandilion]

That's a good point, and I tend to agree. The poster's issue seems to be more than the porn though. The porn seems to be more of an afterthought. If you have a hubby who can still make you feel beautiful and tells you how gorgeous you are, and sometimes happens to watch porn, then it's relatively easy for a woman to accept. But this poster's DH makes her feel unattractive in their day to day life, AND watches porn as his main means to get off. That's the unfortunate part of this situation, and in this circumstance I can completely see how the porn watching could make her feel upset and insecure with herself even more than just his comments and behaviour towards her alone.

Yep i agree with you, the fact he isn't making the effort to let her know he still finds her attractive is what is not right, and if my husband was treating me like that id imagine id probably start to get an issue with his porn watching myself, actually.

And yep you're spot on that relationships are a two way street and he we need to be considerate of our partners feelings and needs. It's taken a little work on my husband to make him aware of this fact, to be honest. I wasn't as lucky to have him in the beginning as i am now. I am grateful he has taken on board what i have said when i have expressed to him what i need in order for our relationship to work. But it took some time and hard work and some pretty heavy arguments....

Some men are just really crap at expressing their feelings, and even with dealing with things such as pregnancy. But OP - how you are being made to feel shouldn't be tolerated... sounds like he needs a bit of an emotional slap from you that if he keeps this up he'll end up alone. You don't deserve to be made to feel this way, pregnancy is hard enough on a woman's physical and emotional state let alone other people making us feel lousy. Especially our OH's.

 

[marley2580]

I totally get where you're coming from, my pregnancies follow this pattern - his sex drive goes up slightly for first couple of months, by 2nd tri my sex drive sky rockets and at fist he's willing to accommodate, then the baby starts kicking and suddenly all he wants to do is sleep. My sex drive is still high, but every time I try to initiate sex he rejects me, and normally in quite a thoughtless way (stop being irritating/a pest/annoying etc). I then get the hump with him and vow to never initiate sex again and we end up only DTD once or twice a month. Once baby gets here he suddenly becomes more interested again!

It does my bloody head in. In general he has a lower sex drive than me, so he doesn't even look at porn etc. I don't even care about the actual sex, I just want to feel desired IYKWIM.

 

[xxchloexx]

Awh i felt like this the other day , we were spooning in bed and he turned and said "my hand use to ft around your waist now ive to put my whole arm over you" I got really embarrassed and nearly cried feeling so upset and he said "Your pregnant babe thats what happens, I love you even more now that you carrying my baby" made me feel so much better , maybe tell him how upset you are about it xxxx

 

[Ventri]

Thanks ladies
I try to be fun an Flirty with him to show him that I'm interested on him and being intimate but I guess he's thick or really just a jerk. When I found the video he was watching ( he was an expert at hiding his porn usage) one of the things he told me was that he didnt think I was ever interested in him that way anymore, which was complete bull sh** and I told him that and all of the times he turns me down. So I'm making a special effort to be sweet an sexy but its never a good time cuz apparently if he likes it he's not expressing it to me. No time is a good time to be Flirty though he has to unwind from everything just feels like a tactic to blow me off. I'll give him the need to unwind from work - his days can be long and stressfilled - and if our DD has a meltdown I'll give him that but she is a really sweet kid and that's pretty rare at the end of the night. What ticks me off is when he wants to unwind from his day with a video game he knows darn well will be played too long and he will be too tired. If I try to distract him so he gets off the game sooner he gets annoyed and I get, " come on now!" I just want to shout - no you come on! Your wife wants sex why is that something to be avoided!!? Hhhmph.
If he initiates sex and in not in the mood I atleast get him off so he doesn't have a sleepless night at the computer. Which the sleepless night thing has started again says its work stress and his mind is going. I can't prove anything from his computer history but it's the same toys of pattern that happened when I found the stuff last time - work stress. I'm pregnant. Sleepless nights. I can't provided it but I just have a bad feeling that the cyle may have been started again. I just don't know if I can trust his answer with all the other things happening. Sigh.

I'll give him that he is bad about sharing his emotions so I literally have to tell him when I like his backrubs - always have to askfor them but its clear he's not interested in giving them he feels its a waist of time because I'm so stiff - I feel the need to expressly tell him when something as simple as being held makes me feel wanted, especially if he initiates it.
I came home yesterday and was clearly upset about everything but I wasn't prepared to talk about it and he gets sweet when he sees that I'm upset, I got an impromptu back rub and he was trying to be sweet when we were in our bedroom - he was playing his game I was doing wordfinds / trying to sleep. He hates seeing me upset so he'll pour it on kinda thick. One of the things I discovered when I had my couple sessions of therapy is that I really resent the fact that everything that I need weather it be financially (we have no cousion) or physcially, is always put on the back burner until I'm at my wits end and start crying about it because I'm so frustrated! Then magically whatever I've been needing for months/years will happen. Pisses me off because its not like he doesn't know I need things its just not a priority.

Wow I make him sound like a monster don't I? He's not he has good qualities, he's a great dad and is very helpful with her especially in the middle of the night when she's awake. But I will be honest here I have thought about divorce recently and where I would go with my daughter. The twonhome is in MY name but I'm not sure I'd want to stay here.

Thank you all for listening it helps to get this off my chest!!

 

[Annubrius]

he gets annoyed and I get, " come on now!" I just want to shout - no you come on! Your wife wants sex why is that something to be avoided!!? Hhhmph.

I WOULD say this. I'm just the type to outburst if I'm sick of something.

 

[blessed22]

Hey ladies,
You are all sexy and you are not fat but pregnant!!!!! SEX is actually great while pregnant and I cant get enough of it! luckily for me my OH is the same way and he likes my big belly mormally and during intimate times he acts ike its not there and he seems to be attracted to me just the same! now what I will say is you seem a lil insecure with yourself...maybe you should try doing things that make you feel better and he will notice men are attracted to confidence! As for the rude remarks he has been making I say PUNISH HIM BY PLEASING YOURSELF RIGHT BESIDE HIM! LOL He needs to get over himself and consider your feelings what he is saying plus watching the porn is simply making you feel worse and he needs toknow that!!!! talk to him and slap him if you have too! Make him understand and then tell him to kiss your ass because you are carrying a life something he cant do so cut you some damn slack!!! just my opinion ladies if it doesnt help im sorry i hope you will at least get a good laugh! lol

 

[Equess]

So sorry you are dealing with that I guess im lucky that my DH still finds me attractive

 

[naitken]

My DH insists that he's still attracted to me. But why no sex I ask? I think that it's a little not attracted, a little not wanting to 'hurt' the baby.

 

[HarrietO]

As for the rude remarks he has been making I say PUNISH HIM BY PLEASING YOURSELF RIGHT BESIDE HIM!

I could not agree more! Brilliant!

 

[marley2580]

As for the rude remarks he has been making I say PUNISH HIM BY PLEASING YOURSELF RIGHT BESIDE HIM!

I could not agree more! Brilliant!

I've done this before - it usually results in him ignoring me and falling asleep lol

 

[BunNtheOven]

As for the rude remarks he has been making I say PUNISH HIM BY PLEASING YOURSELF RIGHT BESIDE HIM!

I could not agree more! Brilliant!

hahaha. i have totally done that too! Ending up getting him riled up and having sex with me. hahaha But i hate initiating the sex. i want him to damnit!

 

[bumpbear]

Is he like this all the time or just during pregnancy?

If its just during pregnancy, I wouldnt let it bother me too much. For some men, the changes that happen to our bodies during pregnancy is just weird, and the idea of sex when there is a baby inside you puts them off. Try and be affectionate in other ways and it might get him adjusted to the idea of more physical stuff?

I know my husband finds me more cute than sexy at the mo (although he'd never say it), and thats just fine with me. In honesty, when I look in the mirror, I dont look quite as ooh-la-la as i used to with this bump so why should he think or perceive me any differently to the change that has happened in reality? As long as he is not turned off by me, I would not feel bad if he said he found me less sexy.

The porn thing would annoy me no end though. If I caught my husband looking at anything remotely pornographic, I'd have his guts for garters. I'm in the 'its demeaning' camp when it comes to this topic though.

 

[_jellybean_]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My DH doesn't go near porn, and I wouldn't be able to deal with it if he did because it upsets me so much to think about him looking at another woman. To me it's disrespectful and gross.

I'm sorry that you feel like he's not attracted to you. He should be there for you emotionally and physically, and should be making you feel like you're the most beautiful woman in the world.

I'd tell him how you feel...maybe write a letter? If not, could you consider maybe going to counseling? I hope things get better. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
Sending you massive hugs.

 

[blessed22]

As for the rude remarks he has been making I say PUNISH HIM BY PLEASING YOURSELF RIGHT BESIDE HIM!

I could not agree more! Brilliant!

hahaha. i have totally done that too! Ending up getting him riled up and having sex with me. hahaha But i hate initiating the sex. i want him to damnit!

Right!!! It works lke a charm everytime and then I say no Im doing just fine on my own and make wait before allowing him to join!!! lol Its punishment in my house... As for the falling asleep and ignoring...YOU ARE NOT LOUD ENOUGH ...LOL MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THE BEST EVER!