Husband just told me he doesn't find me attractive :,-(

[Yo_Yo]

I'm feeling really upset right now. My husband was talking about work, and just mentioned his boss was attractive which struck a raw nerve with me as we haven't been intimate much, and the only time we have was after a long talk initiated by me over the lack of it.
So, mentioning innocently his boss was attractive hurt.

I then asked again why he wasn't interested in sex and he again gets super defensive and we end up having another tense conversation about it. He then said to me he doesn't find me attractive. He then made out after he saw my reaction (crying) that he meant that he didn't find me very attractive during this arguement, and there are periods he doesn't find me attractive and that I probably have periods or moments I don't find him attractive either-not true! I never asked if he found me attractive-he just came out with it. I always find him attractive it doesn't just switch on/off does it?

I'm absolutely devastated and feel ugly-my confidence was low when I brought up the lack of intimacy. It takes me a lot of courage to bring it up, and it gets met with unkind unloving co menus that make me clam up and not want to talk. So I shut down then

Who would even say they didn't find their spouse attractive even if they thought it? Your partner is meant to make you feel good about yourself and build you up, not knock you down with hurtful words
I am doing my best to hold in my tears, but I feel different towards him for saying this to me. I'm 38 weeks pregnant and already feeling unattractive without being told by my husband.

I don't even know what to do-he makes it so hard to talk to him and I always end up feeling worse than when I bottle it up.

I guess I brought up the conversation too as I was needing some reasuranxe he finds me attractive, but instead I feel worse

Am I overreacting? Not sure how to handle this

 

[xSamantha]

This sounds familiar.. I've had instances when my hubby has said this to me.. BUT.. in my case it was my jealousy over something.. and I don't remember now.. but he said the same thing.. that it's not attractive. I don't think he means you're not physically attractive.. but with the added stress of having a baby and a tense conversation like that, he finds the entire situation unattractive. It was kind of dumb for him to mention his boss is attractive.. but that's men, they don't think a lot of the time. Don't take it personally. He married you, he finds you attractive. He just may not find it an attractive quality that you're displaying. Cheer up! It will all get better!

 

[AK89]

Aww honey that's an awful thing for him to say How could someone be so insensitive?! The only potential redeeming factor is that he could have just worded it wrong?? Or let's hope so anyway!! I'm sure he didn't mean it. Men can choose their wording a bit questionably sometimes! If it's of any consolation me and my OH have only had sex a handful of times since I've been pregnant. He says it's because it freaks him out that there's a baby in there (especially since she's so low and I can actually feel her head with my fingers now from inside!) Maybe he means something similar..? That he's not feeling ready to have sex with you at the moment because he's freaked out about the baby being in there? I know that's quite common (unfortunately!) But in any case, coupled with the fact that he mentioned his boss being attractive that is a very insensitive thing to say, not least to a heavily pregnant lady! Men eh?!

 

[Elsa50501]

That's awful to say. I'm sure it came out wrong, but of course it's still hurtful.

 

[londongirl]

I agree with the other replies. I was shined when I read your entry. I would be devastated if he said that, too. However, *sometimes* guys say stupid things either to hurt us if they are upset, to get a reaction or simply they don't think of the right words. Now he should be extra sensitive as you're 38 weeks preg.

Let me give you an example of guys saying insensitive things without meaning them as bad as they sound:

Husband is looking at Facebook pics of me pre-pregnancy and says: look how slim and stunning you were. You'll be that sexy girl again.

Obviously I was like ummmm so you don't think I'm sexy now??? You got me into this - how dare u. He explained he was trying to encourage me to not feel worried about getting back to my "old self" as I'd been saying I felt huge.

Ok it's not a perfect example but it shows guys can jumble their words.

I really hope this is the case with your guy x

 

[purplecupcake]

I think he presented himself in a bad way, but that his feelings are normal and common. My DH and I rarely had sex while I was pregnant, in part since he was out of town for 3 months, but also because he found it weird. He said it felt like there was someone else there with us, and although he was still attracted to me and was touchy feely, actually doing the deed and having to be mindful of not hurting me was just a constant reminder that his son was right there with us.

Some men are turned on by it, others turned off. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and isn't attracted to you in general. I guess I was just very understanding because I myself was a little put off by having sex while pregnant, even though the desire was there.

 

[bumpbear]

If my hubs had a baby kicking around inside him, swollen everything and a mahoosive 37 week bump with huge marker style linea nigra down the middle (like I have at the moment), I think I'd find him a bit less attractive too. But I'd love him the same, if not more for carrying my child. It's not totally unforgivable for him to feel that way, but perhaps hard to hear. Many, probably most men feel this way about their partner during pregnancy. Don't take it personally, I am sure you are still his queen. Try to look at things from his perspective.

I am a very jealous person and would probably feel insecure if my husband mentioned another woman was pretty, but to be honest, it was probably just an observation rather than an indication of any intentions he might have had. If you trust him, don't worry. x

 

[lala222]

That's such an awful thig to say.. I can't comprehend why he would say that to you as you are carrying his child. Surely there is nothing more beautiful than that. Ignore what he said. It was so ignorant!

 

[smile83]

My husband told me months ago that he finds me totally unattractive during pregnancy and that my body is a massive turn off for him...of course at the moment he said it it hurt but now just think he's a total cock to even be stupid enough to say it to my face he should of kept it to himself and have the decently to think that my body may be gross to him right now but its because Im growing his children...men are strange creatures they have little tact or logic towards feelings. I'm actually kind of glad he finds me gross so I'm not getting hassled for sex most days!

 

[NotNic]

Eejit!! Whether he meant it or not, no one needs to hear that they're not attractive when they're pregnant. Particularly when we already know we're not. Its like the does my bum look big in X question. We know the answer is yes but want them to lie, or at least be diplomatic!
I would be very hurt (like you) but remember you're carrying a baby not entering a beauty pageant. Whatever he says you're busy growing your baby. That's more important than anything else.

 

[britt0285]

I would be really hurt also. I would also be very pissed. It's a pretty dick thing to say even if he feels it. If my husband feels that way he should keep his mouth shut and use the thumper if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all from Bambi.

I'm not intoned much at all for like the whole last half of pregnancy so it's basically been a non issue except now that I'm working on getting this baby out. He doesn't seem to mind. His birthday is Monday and he wants the lo here on the same day. I just want him here ASAP so I can bend over.

My husband did mention early on in this pregnancy that he couldn't believe how big my butt got at the very end the last time. I was just like wtf? I'm glad he didn't say anything then because I probably would have burned all his clothes. And I was pissed he mentioned it.

I'm using it at motivation to stay healthy this time around and to get back working out after this baby. I've only gained 22 lbs this time. Last time it was like 40+ but I was on bed rest. But it still hurt my feelings. My husband has actually gained about the same amount as me this pregnancy! He weighed the other day and was like is this scale right and I told him the scale at the ob actually weighs 2-3 lbs MORE. I would never say anything to him because I would not want to hurt his feelings.

I'm sure you are as beautiful as ever. Bodies change it's just a fact of life. While appearance is part of attraction it isn't everything and you seem to be a wonderful person in your posts as well. I'm sure your husband just stuck his foot in his mouth like most men and it came out wrong.

 

[Yo_Yo]

Thanks for your replies.

Brit-thanks for the lovely kind words nearly made me cry (in a nice way)

Hubby said sorry (prompted by me saying it was hurtful) and he didn't mean it (that's just to make me feel better, I'm sure) but I'm just feeling so crappy still. He's acting like nothing's happened today as expecting me to do the same

Off to eat chocolate-at least if I feel unattractive I can enjoy myself somehow !

 

[britt0285]

Glad your feeling better. My daughter and I made brownies and we pretty much destroyed them. Lol. She looked down at the plate last night and I said oh no it's empty! I'm trying to get what I can out the last bit at this point. And you are very welcome!