Husband Keeps Backing Out

[Val458]

Has anyone's husband backed out of trying, and if so, how long did it go on for, and what was the end result? We’ve been together almost 7 years and married 3. I've been in “ready for kids now” mode and he in “someday” mode for more than a year. We've set “start trying” dates five times since then, and he’s backed out each time. Each time he does, the next starting time he proposes gets further out and for reasons more vague than the last.

We bought a house with what the shared intention of starting a family. We discussed which room was going to be the nursery and went to a pre-conception consultation together at my ob/gyn. That was a year ago, and he now avoids having sex with me for fear of getting me pregnant. He recently told me he’s far from being ready and doesn’t know when he will be, but hinted at years from now. I feel led on. It’s gotten difficult to trust that he’ll ever be ready, and at times, I find myself not even liking him, which I know sounds terrible. He acknowledges how difficult this must be for me, but he doesn’t show a sincere interest in getting to where he needs to be to feel ready.

We don’t know anyone with kids who live nearby, so getting him on board via exposure isn’t an option. I’m scared he might put me through this until I’m unable to have children. I’m also scared that even if we do have kids, I will have a lot of anger and resentment for him that will affect our marriage quality. I wish very badly that I could relax and wait it out, but my distrust for him has caused me a lot of anxiety and makes it difficult to enjoy time with him anymore.

 

[MissN8]

Hiya sorry to hear you are going thru this. I know how u feel. I have been with my partner 9 years and was ready years ago but he wasn't and we kept saying next year and then backing out each time the date would come around. He has said next year for definite but I've heard it before and if he backs out again I actually think I would have to give him an ultimatum this time as its not fair. Can I ask what are his reasons he gives you? What age are you as well? Do you feel you still have time
I really think he needs to compromise and be honest with you either way otherwise it isn't fair. Men just don't get how we feel! Hugs

 

[Val458]

So sorry to hear you're going through the same. His reasons change each time: being a provider, needing to travel first, it will be stressful all the time, we aren't strong enough, he just doesn't "feel" ready, needs to work on himself, etc etc etc. He is 33. I am 28.. He also struggles with depression and anxiety and has a really difficult time communicating beyond the superficial.

 

[MissN8]

how long do you think you can wait for him??

 

[staralfur]

Does he see a therapist currently for his depression/anxiety? If yes, then it might be worth seeing if they will see you both to discuss the topic. If not, then you might want to look into it.

 

[goddess25]

Its a tough thing to think about when your mental health isn't up to par. I agree that he should probably talk it over with his therapist then have a big chat with him.

 

[LouOscar01]

My partner does this. Although has just stopped...whilst I was on the pill I missed a few and then imagined some symptoms....so I think he was expecting a positive and then when it didn't happen he didn't seem to have a problem with me suggesting that we start trying properly.

My partner never saw this is as a journey he seemed to think we would just get pregnant first time.

He does still complain about the fact that he won't have a life after baby though....

I've spent many hours crying as a result of him changing our TTC date and rejecting me because of it!!

 

[MissN8]

So have I Lou.

 

[LeaLion]

I totally understand how you feel. My DH didn't want to hear anything about children after marriage (2011) although we have discussed the issue before we actually got married... I have been trying various methods since 2011 to convince him... Exposure to kids, nagging, positive approach, telling him it would take a lot of time to actually get pregnant and nothing worked... I kept hearing that we're not ready, he wants to travel, live his life, do stuff before having children... This has been going for 2 years, until he promised to start trying in January 2014. He backed up due to various reasons (mostly financial) and I started resenting him, because he let me down and did not keep his promise... He turned 30 in February 2014 and it was like sth clicked in his mind and he came to me and said that he's now ready to start trying... 6 months later we are still trying... So don't give up, because men are like this sometimes... This is the only thing your husband may actually feel he has control over and even though he loves you he may want to wait, because of various reasons (not ready, scared, travel, finances etc...) He will be ready someday and will eventually want to start trying... What men don't realize is that when they finally feel ready it may be too late... Best of luck to you and I really hope that your DH changes his mind soon so that you may enjoy the journey of TTC and finally become a mom...

 

[ladywife]

Yes, yes, and yes. My husband and I married 5 years ago, and discussed having children in 5 years if we've met all of our long-term goals, which we have. We have traveled extensively around the world, we both have careers and good-paying jobs, a suitable place to live to begin a family, reliable transportation, support from family members -- on and on. I'm ready!!

Buuut, husband is not. About 6 months ago we discussed having children and he began saying "Next month we'll try" but whenever 'next month' came around, he hopped back on the 'next month' wagon, again and again and again. It really began to tear me down, this extreme elation followed by a period of time of utter disappointment.

I've tried to sit down and talk to him about why he continues to back out month after month, but he just promises 'next month' which now means nothing to me.

I wish I could give you some advice but I can't, I'm waiting for HIM to bring up the subject because it seems the more I talk about it, the less interested he is. My husband is the type of person who likes to think he 'thought of it first' so I'm hoping that if I wait it out patiently, he'll come to me wanting to TTC instead of the other way around.

Good luck!

 

[Buffyx]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this! My husband doesn't do this exactly. His is more that every time I try and bring up babies, he just closes up. Although we have definitely discussed we are going to start trying in the near future, he won't let me bring it up because he hates me trying to convince him to try earlier. I'm worried we will get to the agreed date, and he will change his mind.