Husband not excited about baby

[rose.]

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second baby. DS is 3 and can be a little monkey at times, so it took me quite a while to start wanting another baby. Before we had DS we talked about having 2 children but once we had DS, my husband decided he didn't want any more children.

At first I came to terms with that and sort of accepted it, but as time went on and DS' friends started getting siblings I began to feel sad for him and really wanted to give him someone to play with. Then that baby fever feeling started and I was desperate to have another baby. DH was adamant that he didn't want anymore but then i managed to find a way to persuade him if he got a sports car in return (it sounds stupid but basically what I thought he was worried about was that he wouldn't be able to have any fun or him-time with another baby to look after, and I wanted to show him that he would still be able to do that).

Anyway it took 6 months to conceive this baby and whilst I knew that he wasn't thrilled at the prospect of having another, I thought he had actually come around to the idea a little and didn't mind. When I found out I was pregnant and told him, he didn't say much but seemed OK about it.

As the weeks have gone on, he's become more distant which worries me. He was ok up until about 8 weeks when we had an early private scan - he pointed to baby on the screen to show DS etc. After that we went on holiday and he spent most of the time ignoring us. He wasn't excited about the 12 week scan and he hardly talks about the baby. I decided to stop talking about it and give him time to get used to the idea. A couple of months or so ago we had a big argument because I said I feel like he's really distant and things aren't right, he doesn't like to talk about things but he did open up and say he didn't want the baby but had agreed to make me happy, and now he feels like I want him to talk about the baby all the time and he can't. So, again I stopped talking about baby and just thought he needs more time. About a week later he apologised for being a dick since I got pregnant and we agreed we would try to be a bit more of a team from now on. He even commented that he had noticed I was getting a bit of a bump, which was nice as up until then he had never said something about the baby without me initiating it.

Fast forward to now, and he still isn't talking about baby. In fact it feels like he is becoming distant towards me and won't cuddle me etc. Last night I got really annoyed and asked him about it. He admitted that he still feels the same way about the baby. After that he did give me a cuddle which was lovely as it was the first night in ages that he's actually cuddled me and I haven't had to just lie there cuddling him.

We have our 20 week scan on Tuesday and I was really hoping that by now he would have started to get more excited - he's had moments where he's seemed to get more excited like when he told his family about the baby, but now we seem to be back at square one.

I guess what I want to know is, has anyone had a similar situation where DH has been distant throughout the pregnancy and then bonded with the baby after its born and all has been ok? With DS he was excited about the pregnancy and it's just really difficult this time, trying not to talk about baby with him and worrying about what the future will hold if he doesn't come around to the idea it's really putting a shadow on my pregnancy because with hormones as well, at times when I feel particularly sad about it I almost regret having another in the first place, even though I know it will be so much nicer for DS to have a sibling and DH has said he still loves me.

Thanks in advance

 

[rose.]

I should also add -

Hubby hates talking about his feelings. If he's annoyed about something he tends to keep it all inside and be grumpy for several days rather than talking about it and sorting it out. This has made things a lot more difficult as when I try to talk to him about how he's feeling and how he makes me feel, he struggles and just says 'you know what I feel I told you before' or similar. When we had our argument before we ended up talking via text message which I hated but he actually responded with his feelings rather than just walking off in a grump.

After DS was born, when he was around 1, we went through a difficult patch where I wasn't paying attention to DH and he wasn't paying attention to me, and we both felt unloved and we weren't paying attention to each other's feelings. anyway that's another long story but we managed to get through it and I felt like things were really back on track long before we started trying for baby number 2. I think that this probably plays on DHs mind a lot, as although he seems like an unemotional person I think he struggled a lot at the time and he's worried it might happen again. I am desperate not to let that happen again this time, as I can't go through all that again and now I feel that I am a lot more in tune with DHs feelings and more aware that I need to pay him some attention sometimes too, even if he seems like he's not the sort of man who would want it.

 

[Jessicahide]

I am sure its just the mood of the post but your dh sounds mean and passive aggressive, it's still his child if he is thrilled or not and you and your son are still his family... I can't wrap my head around men like this, i really can't, no advice for you just wanted to say h&h rest of your pregnancy and send you a

 

[rose.]

Thank you. I think it's just the way I've written the post - it is such a long story it's hard to write it down properly! He isn't like that really, he can be lovely and is a good dad to DS I think the issue all stems from him not being able to open up and talk about his feelings so he tends to bottle them instead and then take it out on me. I just wish he would talk as on the odd occasion that I've managed to get him to open up in the past, it has really helped us to get on the same page and sort things out.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply

 

[Jessicahide]

Thank you. I think it's just the way I've written the post - it is such a long story it's hard to write it down properly! He isn't like that really, he can be lovely and is a good dad to DS I think the issue all stems from him not being able to open up and talk about his feelings so he tends to bottle them instead and then take it out on me. I just wish he would talk as on the odd occasion that I've managed to get him to open up in the past, it has really helped us to get on the same page and sort things out.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply

 

[Moom7900]

I think he's unlikely to still feel this way once the baby is actually here, and is probably just sulking as it wasn't what he wanted but he couldn't just have everything his own way. It's not acceptable to behave this way, and you need to show him that on a daily basis, not just when it gets on top of you. Why are you cuddling up to him each night if he is being distant and not bothering? You're pandering to his behaviour and it's time to get firmer with him. Whether or not this is his ideal situation, he AGREED to have this baby and TRIED for it, and ultimately the baby is on the way now and is his child too. He needs to grow up and remember that the baby is innocent in all this and is 50% his responsibility.

Sending you big hugs xxxxxxx

 

[rose.]

Thank you. I guess I just really miss the cuddles etc, I'm quite a cuddly person. I suppose I thought if I carried on as normal then things will get back to normal eventually - and if I stop making an effort then maybe they never will? I don't know. After a few months of uncertainty it's really starting to make me anxious.

 

[Lucasmum]

I agree with PP I think once baby is here he will be fine

OH refused to even entertain the fact we were having another child until after the 20 week scan, we have had 3 loses in a row and he saw what it did to me emotionally as well as himself and said right from the start (well from the time I waved a stick covered in wee at him screaming what the hell are we are going to do at about this) he wasnt going to get emotionally attached as for him it was easier to deal with should we have ended up misscarrying again, even after an early scan he was distant 12 week scan still distant, 20 week scan we found out it was a girl and he was a changed man I think it was all the more real for him by that stage

 

[rose.]

Thanks, I am so desperately hoping that something clicks after the scan as we will know if it's a boy/girl. DS is coming with us so I'm also hoping the excitement of his face will help.

Sorry about your losses

 

[Lucasmum]

We took DS with us to the 20 week scan and he was mega excited which I think helped a great deal, we had the songrapher tell DS what it was and he was able to tell us watching OH's face change completely was wonderful.

I really wish now we had given DS a pink and blue balloon as he had to wait outside while they did they checks then when she fetched him in he could have been carrying the right colour bit to late now though

 

[rose.]

The balloons is a cool idea. DS is only 3 and quite shy, so I'm sure he wouldn't go outside alone! Bless him.

I so hope something clicks for DH after the scan. I'm really missing the excitement of sharing it with him this time

 

[KatO79]

I have no experience in this type of situation but here's my 2 cents:

I think the fact that your DH agreed to baby #2 to make you happy was a poor way of him deciding, he should also want another child! But that's on him. Although if he said that to you when he agreed, you probably should've discussed things more and make sure that he's also doing it to make himself happy. Otherwise there should've been more of a discussion and to see if he would be more on board. The way it is now, he may feel that he was in a way strong armed into it and now he's feeling a bit forced into it since he didn't wholeheartedly agree to it because it was what he wanted but because it was what you wanted.

My feeling is you should probably just let him be. Inform him of scans and the like but don't force him to bond. I'm sure it'll happen in his time and definitely when baby comes. Let it happen naturally. Forcing the issue won't help things, it may make things worse and delay him feeling a bond if he feels like you're forcing it on him. Same goes when discussing feelings, it may be best to let him talk about them when he's ready, just let him know you're there for him when he's ready to do that.

 

[rose.]

We did discuss it for a long time but because DH isn't big on expressing his true feelings, I assumed that as he could be so easily persuaded in the end that he couldn't be too bothered. Although I knew he didn't want another baby, I kind of thought that he just wasn't really fussed either way. The fact that he has agreed to it just for me is the main reason I don't want to push him too much, as I do appreciate its a big decision to make just to make someone else happy - although I wish he would consider our oldest more - that's the main reason I wanted another, so that they would have each other.

Thank you for replying

 

[pompeyvix]

Sorry you are going through this, rose.

One of my best friends was almost in your exact position. She really wanted another for a sibling for their son, but my friends partner was not keen whatsoever. He already has a daughter from a previous relationship and is on the older side of fatherhood (late forties). My friend was really upset at the thought of not at least trying for a second and in the end her partner agreed. To be honest, he is not very hands on or supportive whatsoever, but then he was like that anyway even when their first was born, so nothing has changed.

Personally, I think you should let you husband come to terms with it in his own time. I am sure if he bonded with your son, he will bond with this child too. It may take him longer to get there. It's a shame he has these feelings, but fast forward a year, I bet you won't be worrying at all

 

[rose.]

Thanks Pompey it's good to know things worked out for your friend. I don't expect him to do much for the baby at all really - I didn't expect him to do any night feeds or nappies with DS, he did the odd nappy during the day but most of his care was/still is down to me. That's what makes it harder - if I was expecting him to go 50/50 with the child care then I understand but it doesn't really make much of a practical difference to him whether we have 1 or 2 to look after apart from except hassle with holidays etc for a few years.

I work and will continue to contribute to the finances and also do all the housework too so it's not like Im asking him to become the only person who brings money in either!

Ah I just hope he comes around in time.

 

[KatO79]

We did discuss it for a long time but because DH isn't big on expressing his true feelings, I assumed that as he could be so easily persuaded in the end that he couldn't be too bothered. Although I knew he didn't want another baby, I kind of thought that he just wasn't really fussed either way. The fact that he has agreed to it just for me is the main reason I don't want to push him too much, as I do appreciate its a big decision to make just to make someone else happy - although I wish he would consider our oldest more - that's the main reason I wanted another, so that they would have each other.

Thank you for replying

I would say if you knew he wasn't 100% sold on the idea of baby #2, that you should've waited and had a few more discussions with him about it. He may now feel like that it's only your feelings and wants that count, even though you say you're doing it for your DS. Which could be contributing to the issues you have now: he feels like his wants and feelings don't count and that certainly won't help things if he already has issues in discussing feelings, it'll just make it worse.

I would say you should also have more children because you want more children! Not all siblings have great relationships either, some never develop very close relationships, especially if they have very different personalities and interests. E.g. while I would say my DH has good relationships with his siblings (1 older and 1 younger), they're not particularly close. Plus not all only children feel like they were missing anything, especially if they had lots of friends while growing up.

 

[Classic Girl]

This totally happened with my ex-husband. Once DS was it, he fell totally in love.


Unfortunately he's a shitty father now that we're divorced but he did fall in love

 

[Nikko88]

Maybe the conversation needs to be about why he's so lack-luster on having another baby. The reasons might be completely unrelated to the baby itself and more to do with himself.

All you can do is give him time and the opportunity to talk. He's an adult. If he really didn't want another, he should have said no. He needs to deal with his own issues. Don't take them on yourself, because there isn't much you can do about them.

 

[rose.]

Thanks ladies.

Kat, I did want another for myself too. Like I said baby fever took over and I was desperate to have another. We did try for 6 months so if he really didn't want another, I had hoped he would have said that he had changed his mind in that time. He would never have been 100% on having number 2, and like I say I tried to get over the idea of wanting more than one but I couldn't. I know ideally I should have made sure he was ready etc but that would probably have never happened, and my son is going to be almost 4 when baby arrives, so I didn't want to leave it much longer. Since our troubles after DS was born I've always tried to give him the opportunity to tell me how he feels, he agreed to TTC and I certainly didn't force him - I consciously made sure I tried not to make him feel pressured.

 

[Amygdala]

Rose, this situation is in no way your fault. You didn't force him to try for another and you didn't trick him into it. If he's not enough of a grown-up to say how he feels about something as important as this, that's not on you. By all means try to improve the situation but don't let people tell you you caused it.