Husband not excited about baby

[Mrs.R]

Hey hun, sounds like a sucky situation to be in . What I will say is (and not downplaying his feelings or anything) but I think a lot of men, even if they are excited about having another child can't quite 'feel it' when we are pregnant. They don't feel the baby move every day, they don't think about the baby all day, they don't mentally prepare as much as we do. My husband was really excited for our first little boy, even then, he didn't want to talk about it all the time, and only once he was born did I see the absolute love, devotion and understanding that this new little person had entered our lives once he was here.

This time round he is the same, but I am way less stressed and excited so it kind of feels like we are on par. We'll have days where we are excited and days where we are just normal and forget about it. Some days out of the blue my husband will say 'I can't wait to see her face for the first time', and I get taken aback because he obviously had been thinking of her but I didn't realise. They are much more internal than us.

That being said, once baby is here, keep an eye on him. More likely than not he will cherish the baby but if you feel like he is withdrawing or resenting the baby I would go see a doctor. Perinatal depression is very real, even in men.

 

[rose.]

Thank you Mrs R

 

[rose.]

The 20 week scan yesterday went well and we are having a girl!

It was weird yesterday because DH was acting like a normal expectant dad. He was pointing at the screen to show DS and saying 'look the baby is moving!' And asked him a couple of times what names he would like if it was a boy/girl. When we found out she is a girl, he was talking to DS about it and then we went out for dinner afterwards which was nice. He wasn't grumpy, he wasn't brimming with excitement and love but then that's not really him anyway. I talked about the baby quite a lot and he didn't try to change the subject - although he didn't join in with a long conversation. He laughed at DS' sister announcement video that we filmed in the restaurant and sent a few texts to his mum etc about her being a girl.

He still doesn't touch or cuddle my bump but he's fine with me and DS at the moment and didn't seem unsettled by the scan. I am hoping that if I give him more time, he will get more excited and once she's born we can put all this behind us.

Oh and we have a name now (which he picked from when we were expecting DS before we knew he was a boy) which he still says he wants to use so I'm hoping that thinking of her as a person will help him to bond.

Thanks for your advice

 

[6lilpigs]

This is great news Its a shame that he has been a little distant during the pregnancy so far but Im sure that he will he will fall under her little spell as soon as he sees her xxx

 

[Lucasmum]

Congrats on a girl

He sounds a lot my OH he is excited now its a girl but dosent cuddle touch the bump or anything and the same about doesnt do mega excited anyway

I think he will most definatley be smitten once she is here

 

[squizzlew]

My husband is the same he rarely touches the bump and doesn't often mention the baby unless I do then he moves on to a different subject I have asked him about it in the past (3rd baby) and he says a lot of it is because it's hard for him to feel involved as he cant do anything and up until very recently he couldn't feel any movement it's not that he is unhappy he is just a bit more detached because he isn't feeling what I do so it's less real to him. I have no doubt that once baby is here he will love it and show much more interest as he can do more if that makes sense I hope your husband is the same men just don't seem to see things the way we do

 

[wish4baby]

I'm glad your 20 week scan went well!

I just wanted to say that my husband is similar. He was the most "excited" about our first - in that, he went to a few doctors appointments & insisted that a boy would be named after him lol
He hasn't really been to any ultrasounds or appointments since #1...it's all the same to him he says.
He's not really open with his emotions. A few times he's seemed distant or something, I've been able to drag out of him that he's concerned about something - a job, finances (he owns a construction company so that's really stressful), my health or safety during pregnancy, etc...could your husband be worried about something?

Anyways, he also doesnt really talk about the new baby, unless it's about what is needed for his arrival or a to-do list. Or "woman's" things...seriously, just the words "umbilical cord" will send him out of the room like he's on fire.
But once baby is here, he's the best dad & husband in the world! And he only gets more involved as they get bigger lol

Could you maybe talk about other stuff, things y'all are interested in besides the new baby (maybe your DS instead? LOL) and keep baby talk to the stuff he can control - names, what he needs to do around the house, what to buy, etc.

Do you have another excited woman to chat with - a mom or sister who's really involved? Luckily my mom loves to talk baby and shop and everything else, so it works out.
Some men are weirded out by pregnancy and everything that goes with it. And baby isnt really "real" until it's here (to some guys!), you know? I'm sure it will all be fine once baby is here. It's not like you tricked him, he's a grown man and knew what would happen if y'all DTD, so he decided to have this baby too!

 

[minties]

My OH was like this with my second, and spent even less time thinking or talking about our third. I think he maybe volunteered 5 minutes worth of conversation about Emma that wasn't negative, the entire pregnancy. He didn't go to any of my scans, look at my scan pics, think of names or anything.

Once she was born she was limp and not breathing well, he cried and was smitten since. He really adores her.

 

[rose.]

Thanks for all your stories, they're really reassuring

Wish4baby I do try to keep baby chat to a minimum with him. Luckily my mum and DS are more than happy to talk about babies loads, and I have this forum which is great I think the main thing he's worried about is losing his freedom when we have 2, which is a bit silly as I'm not going to expect him to do much more than he does now! Life doesn't end just because you have kids - although it will no doubt be more hectic for me.

 

[Isme]

I'm sorry that that you've been having a hard time with this.

Very glad to hear that things went so well after the ultrasound, though. Congrats on your pink bundle!

I will say that I've never thought of my DH as "unsupportive" or lacking excitement when it comes to this baby. She was very much planned, and quite the opposite of our first together who not planned. With that pregnancy I felt like I had to walk on eggshells around him when it came to my own excitement. He didn't make me feel that way... I just knew that he hadn't wanted another kid (we were already raising my daughter who is not his biologically) and I felt guilty as if all the stress was my fault. He still supported me, though. He would run to the store to fuel my weird cravings at all hours of the night, and he was generally considerate of my needs as they related to being pregnant. When our daughter finally arrived, he instantly fell in love.

This time around he was completely on board and was happy that we'd finally gotten pregnant after a year of TTC... However, he's still not the type to fawn over my belly or talk about how excited he is for the future. He won't change the subject, but he rarely brings it up on his own. I know he's happy, he's just not that kind of guy. He is still very supportive of me... but I think it's just different for most men. He enjoys the ultrasounds, and I'm pretty sure he's excited to feel her move (darn anterior placenta is delaying things) but he isn't talking to my belly and giving it kisses just yet. Maybe once we get closer to delivery (I can't remember exactly how things were in my third trimester last time since its been 8 years), but maybe not. And either way, it's okay. I know from experience that it won't matter once she's here. He'll fall in love when he gets to see her little face for the first time.

I really believe that will be the case for you. Try not to set your expectations too high for now. Definitely don't feel bad if he isn't cuddling your bump. That does not relate in any way to how he will feel about your little girl once she's here. On the flip side, is okay to want and need his support. There are many ways he can show his love and consideration for YOU (as his pregnant wife) that don't have anything to do with how bonded he feels to the baby right now. Expressing concern for how you're feeling, and listening to you when you're excited about planning for the baby-- those are things he can and should be doing for no other reason than he loves you. It's okay to want and need that, and it's okay to tell him so.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Glad things seem better. Its hard for men, its not in their bodies xx

 

[Bubbles1088]

Glad to hear he seems to be coming around a little!

 

[rose.]

Thanks Isme

 

[Rymel12]

My husband is having severe anxiety about having another child and it's coming out in nasty ways every once in a while. He has said on more than one occasion since I've become pregnant that a second child will destroy our marriage since we have a hard enough time handling the one child we have(she's two and a half; it's a tough age!). This baby was planned also and I wish he could feel more comfort about having a second, but I think until the baby is here and we are into a flow with two kids, he's not going to be truly excited about being a father of two. It's definitely killed some of my excitement about this pregnancy as well though I'm trying not to let his anxiety affect me. I definitely feel your pain, however.

 

[cluckerduckie]

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible.
Some men just aren't the "showy" type when it comes to emotions. After our 2nd was born, we had the discussion about adding another to the family and it was rough for me to express my feelings as well as keeping my husband's intentions and his feelings in mind, when all I wanted was another little baby in my arms.
My husband loves babies but in the beginning, only wanted two kids ever in his life. We talked for a good year before finally BOTH coming to an agreement over having a third and this pregnancy has grown on him. No, he doesn't go to my appointments. He's a supervisor for his workcenter, so he never has the time. I make sure to include him and continually thank him for making a decision that made me happy.
On a side note, we've had a long road to conceiving this one and he's seen me struggle and openly told me that, "one more is one more to put to sleep, one more space needed in our vehicle, and one more for me to spread out my time MORE". I can see where your husband is being distant because my husband values his free time and I make it a point for him to have his time and he works time in his schedule to make time for me and for both of us.

Eventually, he will grow to love the new one and work out a new schedule for him to have his own individual time. My kids are similar in age to yours. My oldest, will be 7 in February, 2nd, will be 4 and this one will be born before they turn those ages.
Personally, I wouldn't really stress out that much more about it.

 

[rose.]

Thanks Rymel and Cluckerduckie. That's what I have been doing, allowing him time to go and do his hobbies when he wants to (fishing, riding his bike etc). Hopefully it will reassure him that he will still be able to do those things once we have 2.

Rymel I hope your husband comes round soon too